Would you feel upset?

[shirlton]

I'm sure that if he had taken them to the charity shop someone would have loved them. When my Daughters children were small I used to make them dresses. One Christmas I sewed a label in saying" Lovingly made by Grandma"
When they outgrew them she gave them back to me as she didn't want to throw them away. I put them away and I still have them.Same with the rag doll I made them.They are now17 and 18 and when they come they see the ragdoll and say "I remember when you made us that Nan and have you still got the dresses"

[shirlton]

[1066]

I'm sure I'd be upset, and I think the son could have been more discreet, but what is done is done, and your friend needs to hold her head up high, and move on. Sometimes teenagers can be amazingly self-centered!

My mum made me a tapestry, it took her many hours and she had it framed. It's not what I would have chosen, but I knew it was made with love and also done at a time when she was very ill. And I know I will never throw it away, maybe 1 day I'll find the right place for it, but at the moment it's in the loft, which in my heart doesn't seem right....

[Obelixx]

I made an embroidered picture to mark my daughter's birth and also cross stitched alphabets and numbers for her nursery wall.   At 14, she's been too old to want them in her bedroom for some time but she wants them kept as keepsakes. 

It takes hours of time and skill to do intricate patterns and stitches and they shoulldn't be just dumped.  Grandma should have been asked if she'd like to keep them herself.   On the other hand, who's brought him up to be so insensitive?

In any case, he's obviously never seen how much good ones can fetch on the Antiques Roadshow and those come from a period when every girl did one.  In our time it's a rarity  and they should be treasured.  Doesn't take that much space in an attic or loft and they make good family heirlooms.

[Psi (Pronounced 'Si'!)]

a bit senseless and blinkered - why didnt he save them away somewhere for the future?

If she is looking for ways of coping with the upset then a sense of perspective is always useful - things can always be worse.  Maybe have a word with his mother???

What a pity.  Families really are complex at times.

[Emagggie]

The deed is done, and I bet the son didn't miss the look on his mother's face. Probably now wishing he hadn't said anything.

[Obelixx]

He sounds insensitive and ungrateful and disrespectful but how did he get like that?

He should have had the decency to ask his mum if she wanted to keep them.  These things provide memories for the giver as well as the receiver and may well have become valued family heirlooms and reminders of grandma one day.

I did some for my daughter's birth - one embroiderd to mark her birth and others in fine cross stitch to decorate her nursery.  At 14 she'd rather have posters on the walls now but she certainly didn't want them just chucked.  They're safe in the attic for when she's older and maybe has her own babies.

[Squash64]

Thanks everyone for the replies.  It looks like most of you would have been upset too.

My friend is very good at embroidery so although I never saw what she made, I'm sure they would have been just as beautiful as the one in Flower's photo. 

She had been to stay for a few days with her son and noticed that they were no longer on the wall in the boys' bedrooms.  When she mentioned it to her son, he just told her straight out that he had taken them to the tip.  I asked her why he didn't pretend he had saved them in the loft and she said that he never tells lies.  I would have done.  I couldn't hurt someone's feelings like that.  But there again, he must be very insensitive to his mother's feelings not to realise that she would be upset.

The pictures had taken her many hours to make, which she did willingly and with love for her grandchildren.  He even threw away the ones recording their births. 

If he had taken them to a charity shop it wouldn't have been so bad.  At least someone else could have enjoyed them.

I've still got some of my children's soft toys ('children' are aged 46, 44 and 36!) and their school exercise books. 

I know my friend will get over it.  Before this happened she was going to give her son some old family photos.  She's changed her mind now and says that he can have them when she's dead.

[chriscross1966]

I agree not everything that you get as a child can be kept, all i have is a very old doll, throw her out and you die !!!!!
Maybe it would have been kinder not to have said anything and hinted it was in the loft ?

Speaking as someone with Asperger's Syndrome.... I don't tell lies (it's too hard) and I don't notice other people's emothional states (or really consider them before doing things or talking).... lack of empathy can be useful sometimes (we don't really grieve) but equally it can be a PITA if we're dealing with Neurotypicals who expect it..... maybe he's got a trace of the Aspie in him, mine wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid-thirties, but I was always doing stuff like that ...... destroyed most of the photos (and the negatives) that were ever taken of me , I doubt wanyone in the family (inculding my mother) has more than a half-dozen....

chrisc

[saddad]

The pictures had taken her many hours to make, which she did willingly and with love for her grandchildren.  He even threw away the ones recording their births. 

No, I'm sorry but destroying birth samplers is indefensible... (Historian in me coming out). Can see how it wouldn't matter to someone with Aspergers though.
:-X

[1066]

I find Chriscross' take on this interesting, so thanks for sharing  :)

[Tulipa]

Chriscross, thank you for posting, I have several people with AS in my family and I am glad to see you explain a different view.

Thanks

T.

[caroline7758]

I'm actually surprised that the teenagers didn't want them any more. My 3 kids (23,20 and 16) have all still got stuff they have had since babyhood that they won't let go of!

[cacran]

If I'd have made them, I would have been upset at the havng been sent to the tip. I am a bit  (a lot!!!) of a hoarder.
I think that what she didn't know would not have hurt her. I do think perhaps the owner should have asked if the person who made them wanted them back or minded if they were given away to someone or sent to a charity shop. I would never throw anything good away, there is always someone who would like them.
I get rid of a lot more since I discovered Freecycle.

[Borlotti]

Yes I would be upset, but most things I recycle or bin, it is a joke in my house if you sit still too long, Nanny will recycle you.  I recycle the packets from cooking and then forget the instructions.  Many a time I have had to go through the bin and look for newspapers, magazines articles etc.  I think I would say it served it purpose, but actually in this case I wouldn't have binned it would have saved it.  Do feel a bit guilty about recycling all the birthday cards, mothers day cards, but can't keep everything.  Actually Sunday is a good day for me as Monday is recycling, rubbish day.  My memories are in my head, don't think it is worth getting upset about, he/she could have kept them for their children, but all my old books and toys have gone and don't suppose the grandchildren would be interested, they just want computer games.

[tonybloke]

thanks for the informative post chriscross 1966, it certainly helps put another perspective on things!! ;)

[Squash64]

Speaking as someone with Asperger's Syndrome.... I don't tell lies (it's too hard)
chrisc

Thanks for posting this Chris, it certainly gives a different side of things. I don't know if he has AS, my friend has never mentioned it and I don't know him personally.

[lushy86]

Well you can always rely on a good cross section of opinion on here thats for sure  :)

Personally I would have been very upset.  Such things are important family history and I would have had to tell the person how wrong they were to do that.  I amnot a hoarder but how much room would something like that take up for goodness sake? He could at least have offered them back to your friend to keep.  My daughter would never want something like that thrown away but I have brought her up to respect and appreciate the efforts of others.

Lushy x

[tomatoada]

I don't know what to think about just taking them down and taking them to the tip.  
When we downsized a few years ago I put a lot of things in boxes and asked the family to take what they wanted.  I said there would not be enough room for all the mementos and photos in frames in the new place, but this was just a way of getting rid of them.  For too long I had to have things round the house, and dust and clean them that I did not like. .  A lot of things were not to my taste and I like a clean uncluttered look.   So if someone spent hours  doing a crosstich picture, I would not know where to hang it.  So the other side of the coin is "It was your choice to do it".  Perhaps you should have said you expected them to be saved and you would be willing to store them.  
I have friends who croon over samplers etc.  and while I can admire the work that has gone into them I would not hang them on my walls.  Sorry no offence.

[Jeannine]

Having thought about this one for a while my conclusion is.. the joy  for me is in the making and the giving so  I wouldn't be upset if my gift was disposed of later as it is sometimes impossible to keep everything and I understand that, however I do agree that good taste would be to  think a little about the giver and  be discreet about the gifts departure.

XX Jeannine

[Squash64]

Really interesting replies, thanks everyone.

I wonder if part of my friend's sadness is the thought that things she made with such love for her grandchildren have been discarded, and therefore her love for them has been discarded too?

It's just a thought.