Kids and Rent

[Doris_Pinks]

Both girls now out of education and both have badly paid jobs, both living back at home.

I am asking for a contribution towards their living expenses of £25 per week. (Hubby's wages dropped considerably so struggling financially)  Is this a fair amount, and how do you actually get the money physically out of them?
I have one willing to pay and is setting up paying me directly from her bank, the other keeps saying, oh next pay check, I am sick of asking her for the money, and sad that she doesn't want to contribute. (she is of course the one that has never really left home and supported herself!)

Wish I had a job that all the money I earned was mine! :-)

So if you have, at home adult working children, do they pay you "rent" and if so how much, and how do you get it out of them!!!

DP

[Doris_Pinks]

[Fayzie]

When I was younger my Mum took £50 a week off me and my brother as soon as we started working and we had to hand it over on a Friday afternoon or no washing or cooking would be done for us until it was received.  It seemed harsh to us at the time but certainly made us more money aware!

Now living back at home as carer but all our money goes into one bank account to pay all the bills and standard things and any extra gives us a wee day out as a treat.

[Digeroo]

Sounds as if your daughter needs a reality check.

Switch off the electricity at the metre.

[antipodes]

My sister was one of these who never left home: she remained in the family home when my parents died!  But to be fair, when she was a young worker, she gave Mum board, as did my older brother till he went OS to work, and as time went on, she just paid some bills instead of my Dad paying them: phone, electricity, doing some of the shopping etc. I guess that arrangement worked for them.
I do think it's OK to ask kids to pay some board if they are earning a wage and the parents are not too well off. After all you buy them food, wash their clothes etc. and it's still much cheaper than living in your own place!  My sister in law lived with her parents for a good 8 years when she was working, saved up the deposit on a flat that way, never paid them a cent. It's all right for some, my hubby and I have always struggled on our own two feet...

[grawrc]

I wonder if your daughter has any idea what it costs to run your house? Rent/mortgage, council tax, gas/elec, water, phone, maintenance and repairs, TV licence .... .. and that's before you get to shopping for food,cleaning, laundry stuff etc. I think I would be sitting her down, sharing the costs with her and explaining that £25 a week is not very much at all. If she thinks it is, perhaps she should go looking for a place of her own and get a reality check?

[ACE]

I always got the kids to pay for board, but secretly put it away in an account,  I done this to make them aware that you don't get something for nothing. When each of them needed a helping hand when they went off to college/left home etc.I used to give them a loan out of the kitty. I've never asked for any back.

On their eighteenth birthdays I used to shock them by giving them a bill for their childhood ;D  They now warn the grandchildren about me when I give them a bag of sweeties. But we were lucky I could get by most of the time, if you are struggling they should all muck in.

[Melbourne12]

This probably won't be much help, but as soon as ours left school or college, we encouraged them to leave home (that is, chucked them out).  This was especially hard on one of them, who had got a poorly paid job as a waitress, but it pushed her into applying for a junior restaurant manager's job.  Now, more than any of us, she knows the value of hard work.

[tomatoada]

I don't think you are doing any favours to your offspring by letting them take advantage of you.   What you do is up to you but I thinks strong measures are called for.   Like ace I had housekeeping money (my accountant said don't call it rent money), from their first pay packet.   I put it in a separate bank account and was able to give them money towards a deposit for a house.
I think £25 would not cover food hot water and a contribution to council tax, tv licence etc. etc..
Best of luck.

[Borlotti]

She's very lucky to only pay £25 a week, one room to rent would be at least £50 a week (in London). I made my children pay me when they were working and they didn't like it, but I insisted and they paid up in the end after calling me mean, and telling all their friends how awful I wass, etc. etc.  I was so proud when I got my first pay packet, bought Mum chocs and flowers.  Not sure if she made me pay, but Dad was well off, and very generous. (Can I come and live with you), then I would be rich, even on my pension, no bills, hurray.  ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Flighty]

I agree with the others. I always paid my share after I started work and still lived at home.  If I hadn't my mother would have told me to leave as she did with my older brother who never paid a penny or lifted a hand to help with anything at home.

[Bubbles26]

When I lived at home I had to give my mum 1/3 of my earnings - whatever that was.

Which is one of the reasons I moved out when I was 17 - not because I resented living at home and paying rent, but because I had a pretty good job and living on my own was not much more than I was paying my mum. It taught me the value of earning my own money and that I had a responsibility to pay my own way.

My sister however is 20 now and has never paid rent (because my mum is more financially sorted now) - she has no idea about the value of money and has no plans to move out. In my opinion it did me good!!!!

[Linnea]

I've always paid rent when I've lived at home. currently it's £250 per month (including food and bills) I've tried to pay more (as I would have to if I had a mortgage or rented privately) but mum won't accept it, as I part-time care for my grandparents when mum is not able to. so i go and get my own meat for dinners and put stuff in the freezer when she's not looking! I also "treat" the family to cakes whenever I think I can get away with it and of course produce from the lottie as much as possible

[Mrs Ava]

Tough one DP. My sis and I never paid rent and I had a well paid job in the West End, but dad insited we had a savings account and direct debit was set up paying in a set amound every month and we both had to have pensions set up paying in the maximum amount we could.  I always felt guilty about not contributing to the house so would regularly take mum and dad out for dinner, or buy things for the home and when my dad was out of work for a while, I paid the mortgage and all of the bills for them and never wanted anything back.

Marks daughter is still doing her a levels but she has a Saturday job and her mum takes a small amount from her and puts it away. I think the only way to go is to sit her down and set up a direct debit.  Eeeek, good luck.

[artichoke]

Would it help to print out a weekly budget and blutack it to a prominent place? It would show the average weekly cost of running your home and feeding the family, based on a year's typical bills, and would make it crystal clear to the freeloader how greedy she was being as the only family member not contributing to the expenses? She might have a good look at it when alone and come to terms with the fact that she is not a child any more.

If you followed earlier advice and stopped cooking and washing for her, is she the sort who would make her own little messes at inconvenient times and not clear away (problems with my own adult son there), and put her own things into the washing machine expecting you to fund the electricity and washing powder?

These transition years are difficult. I never stayed at home after getting a degree, and neither did my daughters, but my son did for a few years. I got tired of nagging and tired of clearing up after him. I didn't ask for money (he was ill and unemployed) but I did need some consideration, so I stuck up a polite list of house rules. They were amazingly reasonable ones, like clearing up after a meal (he wouldn't eat my food, but left his all over the place) and not stamping round the house at night (poor sleeper) and not dropping rubbish everywhere for me to pick up.

I was very busy working as a single parent then, low paid job, and he was depressed and anxious - but although I was sympathetic, there are limits. Once the list was up, I just had to point to it, and point to whatever the problem was, and it saved a lot of tedious nagging. I believe it helps to list problems rather than exist in a perpetual atmosphere of dissatisfaction and complaint.

[Gordonmull]

I find that unbelievable. I was in and out of mum and dad's for a good few years, and on slinging my bag on the floor, drinking dad's beer  ;D and settling in, I always asked how much digs money was.

Money on the table or get out, I'd say. Be firm.  Or....you could make her watch the entire of "Bread". Even if she doesn't get the hint, she'll be begging to pay you to stop!  :)

Seriously, just get her stuff, put it in black bags and give her the ultimatum. She won't end up hating you (for long) but she should get the point after she's done the hard bit, i.e. actually paying your way and getting over the fact that you have to actually do stuff for yourself.

BTW last time I stayed at home i contributed £35 per week. That was in 2003, and my girlfriend, who was with me working for the summer, also put the same in again. My brother, the permanent "child" resident, put in the same as we each did. None of us ever grudged it. We appreciated that we had more disposable income because of our parents' generosity. You're being generous enough. I was in pants jobs then too, so no excuse.

[Obelixx]

I think £25 a week is ludicrously low.   They are being housed which includes mortgage, rates, services such as heating, lighting and water plus any maintenance and, presumably cleaning at least of the communal areas.  If you're feeding them too.........

I think you should sit down and work out the monthly cost of just running your home and then a weekly food bill and show them then ask for a more realisitic sum which can be based on their current income and a need to save for having their own place one day.  They should also be helping with cleaning and washing and ironing or they'll never grow up to appreciate the value of parents, home and money or manage on their own.

As for the one who won't pay, tell her it's pay up or find somewhere else as you love her too much to let her go on thinking life and you owe her a living.

As a comparison, we rent out one 6m x 4.5m double bedroom with its own shower room and kitchen corner to a student from September to June.   She pays €270 a month for this which includes all charges except her food.

[OllieC]

Well, I was booted out by my mother at the age of 11 so I grew up knowing what it was like to be rejected by a parent. This may be why I have a different take to most of the rest of you!

I hope that when my kids are older I would never risk falling out with them over something like this. Rightly or wrongly I think there are more important things than money (of course, assumes that you can make do without it which may or may not be the case). I guess we're all shaped by the journey we've come and it does sound like she's being selfish but kids are selfish sometimes, and you chose to have kids, not the other way around.

I'd attempt to explain the figures to her and show her why you need the money. If she won't pay then maybe I'd not be doing any washing of clothes or cleaning her room, but I would also let her know that whatever happens there is always a place for her to stay.

Good luck with it and I hope things work out.


ETA - I know at least one of the posters above grew up in state care and am not saying my experience was worse or more relevant - just saying that I know it still influences who I am today.

[Nora42]

4 siblings in my family, one left home at 16 under a cloud , Mum and Dad moved to a smaller house no room for 3 so one rented with a mate until they had enough money to buy on their own, one left at 16 under a cloud of a new stepdad..... I went to Poly and could not leave home as Mum and new stepdad had moved to Spain.
We laugh who had it worse? still love Mum we between us have 9 kids and none of us has moved.
what you need to address with your daughter is that she is now a grown up and that means paying her way give her examples and show her £25 is nothing to her but she won't get anything else like home for £25 anywhere else. Pay up or get out.
Nora

[Tulipa]

The other way to do it is a percentage of their income, this is fairer if you have children of very differing incomes, but obviously if the whole household income is low then that is harder to do, but it is only fair that they pay up and begin to learn what life is about.  I hope you can sort it out amicably in the end :) ....we opted for 25% :)

[saddad]

While I agree with Ollie, having spent some time in care, and now without parents for decades, you have to fix an amount you think is fair... and if they are getting board and lodgings anything under £50pw is a laugh. Tell her straight if she thinks she can do it cheaper renting and looking out for herself go and do it. If not cough up and stop complaining.  :-X