what is wrong with me?

[debster]

I have never suffered from depression but right now im struggling to think what else it could be. There are a few worries in my life at the moment, i  am worrying about my daughter, she started uni this week but as her dad didnt sign her bursary forms til about a week before it will be ages til she sees any money. she is working hard to pay her rent, i help as much as i can but i dont feel ill be able to relax until her bursary comes through, i so dont want her to fail but its only been this year i finished paying off my own university overdraft.

i go to bed at night and im thinking about these things, it takes me a while sometimes to drop off and then when i do i dream so vividly about different things it often wakes me up then i struggle to get up in the morning.

i have a wonderful hubby and family so im very lucky there, my sister in law is due to have her baby soon and i am worrying about that cos she had such terrible post natal depression, and my nephew who is severely dyslexic is considering giving up his course cos of lack of support.

i love my job and really enjoy going to work, and i love my gardening but even that feels like a chore at the moment.

i had pneumonia and pericarditis last year and before then probably only ever cried at funerals , now i could cry at cartoons at times.
i have had my thyroid checked, but i am now heading towards the f word (40) could it be hormones, or could it be something im missing in my diet vits or minerals or am i just destined to be a miserable old bat for the rest of my life lol

sorry to drip on just feel really flat at the moment. any suggestions?
perhaps it is the time of year?

[debster]

[elvis2003]

hi debs,i havnt got time to write a really long reply,but couldnt read and run!
sorry to hear youre feeling so down in the mouth,i wonder if its a result of such a wet summer? was your daughter living at home till she started uni,maybe you simply missing her?
would your nephew benefit from changing colleges,im sure you have already thought of that
do you,or have you ever tried yoga?might be just the ticket for you at the min,could help you relax and teach how to focus on your breath at bedtime,rather than filling your mind with your worries
ill be back later
love rach
xx

[betula]

Sorry you are feeling so low.Life can get to us sometimes.Things have a way of working out eventually.

Try to have some time to yourself and do things to help you relax.

A nice warm bubble bath with aromatherapy is good.

Treat yourself to a magazine you enjoy and sit and read it with perhaps a nice glass of wine.

A good walk.I always feel better after I have been for a walk with the dogs.

None of these will help solve the problems but may help you cope better with them. :)

[Doris_Pinks]

Debs, I kinda know how you are feeling.........dropped my daughter off at uni for the first time last Saturday and miss her terribly, though I know she is going to have a blast, in a way it almost feels like part of my "lifes work" has gone, goodness knows what I will be like when the next, and last, one leaves in 2 years!
I worry about her being able to survive, we can't really afford to send her much, and she is on the minimum loans, so has £35 per week to survive on, luckily she doesn't smoke or drink (yet!) and is keen to get a job, but I do lay awake nights.

The summer has gotton me down, have been working lots, and everytime the weather has been good, I have been working. My plot looks like a disaster zone, and in fact I was supposed to up there this afternoon, but I cannot bear to go up there and see the work involved!

Am am over the "F" hump and am sure heading towards the "M" word!

Have put myself on vitamins to see if that helps!

May we are just hitting a blip, if the weather improved instead of this greyness, I am sure everyone would feel better!

So you are not on your own, there are many more of us out here, empty nest syndrome on my part I think! ;D

Love, the other Debs

[froglets]

Hi Debs,

Couldn't help but empathise - I put it down to the lack of sunshine this year and last.  Also, try not to worry about bursting into tears - I went through a tough patch a couple of year ago and went from being a hard nut to blubbing at even the word bambi.  It's your bodies' way of reducing stress, so let it all out girl ( just explain to your nearest & dearest otherwise they panic) - I used to lie in the relaxation part of my yoga classes spreading my mascara all over the mat as I relaxed  (get a washable yoga mat).

We go through worrying times and I think as we get older sometimes we don't bounce as well as we used to & that worries us so we get more worried.  It will ease, you may still be a bit blubby at times, but be proud of your emotions. 

Try having radio 4 on very low as you go to bed.  I found I listened in a little which stopped my mind finding things to stress about & it was low enough to not bother me when I did drop off, although the bloody shipping forecast comes back on waaaaaaaay too early.

Do you get "me" time?  sounds like you need a pamper once a fortnight or so, or a walk in the woods, or morning coffee somewhere posh once in a while.  You've been through a lot and probably looking after everyone else at the same time.  It's ok to stop and let them look after you for a bit whatever their troubles.  No-one is ever trouble free so don't feel like it always has to be on your shoulders ( makes mental note to go immediately & e-mail best friend to explain why I haven't responded to her wail this week - my wailing included gnashing & I couldn't take on any more on anyone's behalf).

And as I know you know & annoying as it is to be told again, it will get better, gradually.  Focus on something really good about each day at the end of it and remember to celebrate the +ves, not get overly attached to the -ves.

when all else fails, chocolate.

Take Care

Kaz ( 40ish, weepyish grumpy, fake tanned, and still kicking ass - join me when you're next in the mood)

ps bambi  bambi bambi bambi.  Pah!

[betula]

Doris ,I know exactly what you mean.My children are all in their thirties and have long flew the nest.I still miss those little people.The home is so quiet now.

However,after a session with the grandkids I know I could not cope with it all these days.

It is hard on us mums. :)

[debster]

my daughter hasnt actually lived with me since she was 12, when her dad and i split up, she opted to live with him as she didnt think he would cope on his own cos he couldnt even boil an egg. he has at times treated her terribly though she cant see it and she virtually brought herself up. i guess a lot of what im feeling is guilt, i do think that i could have done a much better job of it given the chance but sadly was never given the chance. now to see him snub her after all this time is hard, to listen to your daughter sobbing on the phone cos her dad said he is disappointed in her hurts like hell, yet i have a go at him for not signing the forms and yet again i am the enemy but its always my phone she rings when she is in trouble financially or otherwise. i am the only one interested in her education etc yet in her eyes he can do no wrong.
i seriously think that the bad summer has not helped at all, times when i could have just sat in the garden it has poured down. the crops although not a total disaster have not been good, blight hit and  most other things were sorely stunted.
i know things will get better but its hard to concentrate on that sometimes too.
thank you for the support and advice im just going back out in the garden to attack them d**n weeds again, ill imagine they are my ex husbands neck lol

[flowerofshona2007]

Life has a habit of 'Happening' all at once hun (((((hugs))))
I had a bad year 2 years ago, lost my sister, dog died morning of her funeral, mum had alzhimers and died 6 months later, we moved house and i found out i had womb cancer 3 weeks later !! had a hystorectomy ect and it felt like everything had dumped on me  :'(
It has taken me 2 years to pick myself up and i find going to the gym a brilliant 'me' time !! You need to find something to fill the space left by your daughter hun i know that is hard to do but its your time now :)
I have been on prozac for 18 years but i do not have any seritoin in my system which leaves me very depressed :(
Get out and spoil yourself, have a walk, go for a coffee with friends, have your hair done anything that will make you feel special !!
When i feel low i dont want to do anything and that includes the garden ! listen to your body and relax (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))).
If you fancy a break by the sea side  jus shout hun :)

Opps you beat me to it LOL
Don't feel guilty hun she will realise one day that your ex was not the bees knees, as you say its you she comes to when she needs comfort.
Sod the weeds !!! turn the music up and boogie, run naked through the house and buy a bar of chocolate (and i will denie i said any of that if you get caught naked, deaf and covered in chocolate LOL LOL )

[Deb P]

Whew, you have  a lot going on at the moment don't you?!

As a heath professional I'm guessing that enjoying your job is really important, and I'm sure you get a lot of job satisfaction from it; however much we may moan about it at times after a grotty shift, a lot of people are not that lucky. Therefore I also bet you are brilliant at the work/life juggling act as well! ;D

However, with so many competing distractions, you are being a bit tough on yourself for not keeping all those balls in the air at the moment, and it sounds like your body is beginning to let you know about it a bit.

There has been a lot of very good and sensible advice given so far, I also am inclined to dwell on things when trying to get to sleep (particularly after working night shifts) My coping strategy would be to try not to worry too much about things you can't practically do anything about. Hopefully that will cut the list down a bit, and help you concentrate your efforts on things you can do something about.

So, forget last season and this years grotty weather, start looking forward to next years growing goodies (think of all the veggy porn in the new catalogues that is coming out about now!) and start making some plans; that always makes me feel a bit better because I am planning to do something constructive, even if I haven't actually started yet! ;D

You have a relationship with your daughter, even if it isn't quite the one you had hoped for from the sound of it. What is important is that you are there when she says she needs you, and you are still her mum whatever happens, that doesn't switch off or suddenly change as they get older. It must be hard not to be critical of your ex's fathering skills at times, but don't forget you are not responsible for your ex's behaviour or his relationship with your daughter. It sounds unfair that you are trying to do the right thing and sort things out for her, and yet she is not critical of his behaviour; but this isn't a popularity contest! Being a 'good' parent doesn't always mean you are liked for doing the responsible thing, and sounds like it may even lead to some conflict in your case, but you are trying to do the best for your daughter, and I agree that is absolutely the right thing to do.

Right, I have been sensible for far too long now, I really hope the pressures of life ease off a bit for you in the near future Deb, now go get those weeds/chocolate! ;D

[posie]

Hi Debster, just read your post and I can totally empathise with the feelings.  I've had depression for 13 years now, ten of them on medication.  If you're not sure whether a trip to the GP is a good idea or you don't want to go down that route, then why not try some herbal remedies.  St. John's Wort is a good natural anti-depressant (it can react with other medications however so please check it out first).  Also have a look at Bach Flower remedies, I use the Rescue Remedy one when things start to overwhelm me, but there are plenty of them for all sorts of different issues.

I can totally empathise with how you feel about your daughter worshipping your less than saintly ex, my brother does the same thing with my father - he can do no wrong.  All you can do is bite your tongue and be there for when the penny finally drops (and it will).  She's a lucky girl, in that she has you to look out for her in all ways as a parent should.

As for them weeds, there's plenty up my way if you run out!

Seriously though, take it easy and look after yourself or you'll be no good to anyone else!  ;D

[debster]

thank you everyone for the advice and just for being there,
Deb i think youre very right and i am gonna sit down this evening and start planning what i am gonna do in the garden, im even gonna have a go at doing a physical planning drawing like someone on here showed us the other day, i have been out in the garden and started on the weeding and clearing so feel a bit better already.
i have never believed in slagging off my ex to my daughter, i always felt that one day she reach her own conclusion he is a dad who loves her with all his heart but who has put himself first too often. being an absent parent makes you feel so guilty, if your child or if you are spending time with your step children the guilt is always there. i think i need to realise that i cannot make all the bad things in her life disappear or better, she needs to experience them to become the person she will be.
now i love the idea of dancing naked through the house music up loud with loads of chocolate that sounds as though it might do the trick.
i am already starting to feel more positive.
i guess i am so used to giving of myself to various people its hard to stop i want to make everything right with the world.
i am gonna make myself an appointment with a hot bubble bath and a good book later  ;D

[Deb P]

Glad you are feeeling a bit better already, I myself have an appointment with a nice bottle of cold Cava and several recorded episodes of 'House' to let off steam to this evening!  ;D ;D ;D

[Bean_Queen]

I've had a fairly miserable year too, despite my life being perfect "on the surface"

I definitely suffer from a lack of sunlight - I get seasonal affective disorder every winter, but this year it started in July!

I find some vigorous exercise first thing in the morning a real help, even though I hate it.  If you don't do running (which is brilliant) then dance around to your favourite music like nobody's watching you.

[Amazin]

Debster, just a thought - were you put on any medication last year either for the pneumonia or the pericarditis? One side-effect of cardiac medication (and not everyone will experience this, mind) is depression, another is fatigue. Together they can make you a little fragile, especially if you have a lot on your plate.

[manicscousers]

post traumatic depression, it just gets too much for you to cope with and your body rebels..sounds like you've had a bad few years..be kind to yourself..hope it's easing now and the problems your daughter is facing have been resolved  :)

[Garjan]

Hi Debster

That's a lot to carry around, and I totally agree with all the others before me: your body is taking care of you. So just cry, feel tired and go with whatever it tells you to do. Especially if it wants to eat two kingsize Mars bars  ;)

When I was faced with a what could result in a massive burn out, I was advised to keep working (but low key and no challenging tasks) as that will give you a sense of fullfilment. And that is a major factor in preventing depression.

I was also told to read a lot. To totally immerse yourself in a story will take you away from the hard facts of live for a short time. It gives your mind some time to produce the substances that make you feel better.
This will only work if you enjoy reading. Otherwise it's a medicin and no fun at all.

Take care and a virtual hug from me.
Garjan

[debster]

thanks guys things are definatly improving mind you had my mind taken off myself with sister in law so ill but at least it stopped me wallowing now she is improving too cant ask for more then that, still havent met my new baby niece yet though so still got that pleasure to come  ;Dcant wait lol

[newbies]

I've read this thread with interest, and I do feel for you.  The bit that I identify most with is the relationship your daughter has with her father, I have been through similar.

My ex has constantly let our daughter down (she lives with me), and has also lied to her.  As a result of this, at age 17, she has decided he has told one lie too many and now refuses to see him.  She wants to see her step sisters, but not him or his wife.  I have not influenced her decision at all, I am pleased to say the scales have fallen from her eyes, and she has made this choice by herself. 

I suppose the point I am trying to make is that eventually your daughter may realise just what a great mum you've been to her over the years, whilst equally realising what an idiot her father is.  Hold tight, this will come.  In the meantime, just do what she already relies on you for, which is to be there.

You're doing great, hold tight.
hugs

[flowerofshona2007]

Ok tonight's the night, 9pm lets have a mass dance naked whilst eating chocolate session  ;D    ;D     ;D who's joining me ????
Im sending hubby out for the chocolate and then he can go into his shed for 30 mins whilst i go mad  ;D    ;D     ;D not restricted to women either !!!


PS make sure you close the curtains im not coming to bail you all out for indecent exposure at 10pm tonight   ;D    ;D

[debster]

only one flaw in your plan i have the chocolate but i am on nights think i might get some funny looks in a and e dancing around naked plus they will expect me to share my chocolate can we make it another night
;D