Allotments 4 All

I am going to have a go at making my own crackers this year, does any one have any jokes/riddles that i can use?  :)

we once had 6 crackers, all with same 'joke' in them! it was bl**dy hilarious, as we all tried to tell the same joke, without laughing (we'd heard it before)

here it is.................

"Waiter, waiter, this coffee tastes like earth"

"i'm sorry sir, it was ground this morning" LOL ;D ;D ;D

Waiter, waiter. What's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the backstroke, sir

Oh dear, this could run and run......!

I pinched these from an old beeb article, lol

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What lies quivering at the bottom of an ocean? A nervous wreck
Which bird is always out of breath? A puffin
Where does Tarzan buy his trousers? A jungle sale
What did baby corn say to mummy corn? Where's popcorn?
What country has a good appetite? Hungary

HELP! I'M BEING HELD PRISONER IN A CHRISTMAS CRACKER FACTORY!!!

i haven't heard the tarzan one before. I have a 9 year old who loves her joke books at the moment. What she doesn't realise that i have heard most of them before :)

Bugloss, pull the other one

What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.

 ;D ;D ;D

A man walked into a bar
He should have looked where he was going.
:-X    ;D ;D ;D

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
and the follow ups...
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?  Still no idea....

What do you call a sheep with no eyes and no legs... a cloud.

:)

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

- Warren

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

- Annette


A horse walked into a bar and the barman said "why the long face?"

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.....  :)

what do you call a man wearing a raincoat? 

Max..

what do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats, near a cemetary??

Max By Graves!!

(I'll get me coat) ;)

how do you start a pudding race?

Sago

a chap at the cinema, during a sad film, started wailing,....................



























i said, you can't throw harpoons in here!

Just stole these from a joke book.



What's big, grey and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant.

What disease can you catch from putting up too many Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis.

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
Smells like carrots

What do get when you cross a pig with a python - the longest streaky bacon in the world.

Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9

Watching a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Who was England's first chiropodist? William the Corncurer

How many NuLab MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, but we can report on the inquiry by 2012

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
He only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm.

What's grey and can fly straight up?
An Elecopter

How do monkeys make toast?
They put bread under a gorilla.

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.

What did the shy pebble say?
I wish I was a little boulder.

What is Rudolph's favourite day of the year?
Red Nose Day

What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's digest!

What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?
A red carnation

Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
Wayne.
   Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger

What do you call two robbers?
A pair of knickers

Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come.

And the biggest joke of all ...
Gordon Brown is doing a great job.