Allotments 4 All

Aaaah, suzanne, I've been expecting you. ;D ;D ;D

Day 79.

No news , eh? Well, well, well.

I shall have to deal with this situation immediately, with a cat joke for suzanne. Dont blame me, blame her ::) ;D

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St. Peter is receptionist at the entrance. A cat shows up.

St. Peter:  "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat:  "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St. Peter:  "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in the Gates."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter:  "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St. Peter:  "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St. Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

St. Peter:  "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat:  "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that 'Meals on Wheels' thing was a nice touch, too."

cj :)

 ;D

Day 80.

Well, I know there will be no news today, so let's get the pain over with early on ;D

I thought this was fitting for a bank holiday ;D ;D ;D


What do you call two straight days of rain in Wales? A weekend.

It only rains twice a year in Wales: August through April and May through July.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Wales? An extra hour of rain.

What's the definition of a Welsh optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.

A newcomer to Wales arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."


Enjoy the weather!!!

cj :)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Day 81.

Well, here it is folks ;D ;D ;D

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace". The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations On Your New Location".

cj :)

Day 82.

Still no news :'(

Has the poor parcel been kidnapped by an alien , in order to poke and probe it looking for an answer to the meaning of life?

Has it decided to take a year out and travel the world before it comes home?

Or is this all a ploy to have another joke?

All three are, I'm sure you will agree, extremely unlikely ;D ;D ;D

This one is just for you....all. :-*

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the postman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "d**n, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."


cj :)

  :o ;D ;D ;D

Day 83.

Well, there seems to be no news on the parcel being sent off .

Now I dont want any accusations of pretending I didnt get a pm saying it was on it's way, just so I can post another joke ::) ::) ::)

I am an honest person , me ;D ;D ;D

So, here we go.

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

cj :)

Ooops  ;D ;D ;D

Day 84.

no news, but I have kindly been sent an amazing selection of terrible Tommy Cooper jokes. Thanks mick ;D ;D ;D

here they are.....enjoy ;D


Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.

Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

Ø The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.

Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

Ø I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

cj :)

Parcel arrived in Sunny Lincs this morning at 10:30 hrs, 2 days from Luton by 2nd class so not a bad service from Post Office.

Great selection, will have a 'rummage' and get it back in the post on Monday.

Cheers   ;D

Day 85.

Whoopee! Parcel news!!!!

You can all relax. No joke today ;D

cj :)

Day 86.

No surprise that there is no parcel news today, it being Sunday ;D

Dont think that means you will be getting away with it........

Robert was a tractor enthusiast - goes to all the major agricultural shows - enthusiastic about tractors etc. etc


He is very keen on a particular model and has heard that it will be featured at the tractor show.
Gets to the show and is in awe - WOW it's huge! Every tractor he could think of.
Asks to have a test drive - exhibitor obliges - ( Visions of awe and excitement - his dream has come true....)

Turns on the ignition ( trembling with excitement) - and accidentally puts it into reverse..... Causes chaos..

Robert's street credentials are ruined . He hangs his head in shame - gets home, burns his tractor magazines etc, etc...


Goes to get plastered in his local pub.....Walks in the door and notices that the room is filled with smoke.

Bartender explains that they have a chimney blockage etc..... and will offer free drinks for a year to anyone who can solve the problem.

Robert stands in the middle of the pub - breathes out fully - then sucks.......
All the smoke dissapears.


Bartender is suprised and amazed - everyone is  cheering......


"How on earth did you do that?" The bartender exclaims.

"Easy" - Says Robert...

"Im an Extractor Fan"

cj :)

GROAN!!
;D ;D ;D

Day 87.

No news. Oh dear. I feel another joke coming on ;D ;D ;D

Well, actually 2.

First , one for the boys....

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?
Give here a shovel.

And now one for the girls....

Grow your own dope.........plant a man.

cj :)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Day 88.

No news and no mercy, mwahaha

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."


cj :)

Day 89.....nearly!!!

Just had news on the parcel. It is on it's way back to me.

So I will take the day off from a joke tomorrow (which will probably be today by the time you read this ??? ;D)

It was posted second class, so all being well, it should be with me on Thursday.

If not, I'll be back with another joke. Not long now and your torment will be over ;D ;D ;D

till then....

cj :)

Day 90.

Well, the parcel has finally arrived home!!!

Thanks to everyone who took part. I hope you manage to grow something you love ;D

Let's wrap this post up with a song....


http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZedhoqYdfTM&feature=related

Over and out.

cj :-*