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I would be very grateful for advice from anyone who has had a similar experience  to mine or suggestions of the right people to contact for help.

My mother in in her eighties, in poor physical health, but with the right support network has been able to keep her Independence and live on her own.

However, within the last several months she has refused to have any contact with my two sons and myself,  She won't speak to any of us on the phone or respond to my letters. 

I have heard from neighbours that she has gone a bit 'funny' and is being very unpleasant.  She will not answer the door to them or let anyone in.

I don't want to upset her but I am seriously concerned for her physical and mental health.  What can I, or should I do?

I would seek advice from the community nurse at the local GP surgery. Or contact social services for advice. Never had to go down this road just yet myself,  but just my opinion for now.

Her GP would have been the first person I would have contacted, but unfortunately I don't know who or where s/he is. 

Mother lives in Luton and I live in Northampton.  I am also disabled and contact has been mainly by telephone or letter.  She is a funny old thing and has always resented what she sees as any intrusion in her life.  Though she talks about her friends and the people who do her shopping etc. I have never met any of them.

The last time I went to see her, (I couldn't phone her because she had gone ex-directory) I asked her for a contact number should there be an emergency, she said I didn't need one and I would know. 

There isn't anybody I can contact on a personal level to find out how she is, and as far as I know there isn't anybody who would contact me.

Cazy, this is a difficult one and you must be very frustrated. You say she has a network of support. Do the neighbours see any of the support workers come and go? If they do perhaps they might mention how worried you are and at least speak to you about your Mother's wellbeing.Could you find out which surgeries are local (also from the neighbours) and have a telephone around.? Maybe you wont get any further than that, but at least you will know how she is. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Try the local chemist shops you could do that by phone, she is probably on some kind of medication and you just might find the one who does her tablets, they may not tell you anything due to data protection but if you explain who you are and your concerns I think they would have to contact the doctor on your behalf who should in turn contact you.


The other point,if you think back has she ever used a solicitor, if so she probably has the same one. I would also contact them.

Good Luck XX Jeannine

Neighbours could probably give you details of GP surgeries in the area to check round.

Go there yourself or if you really can't then get your sons to go. Easy to say and I don't mean it in any way flippantly but really what other choice is there? I hope you get it sorted out, best of luck.

You say your mother is in poor physical health - does she have a district nurse visiting from time to time ?

Also you mention a support network - was this arranged by Social Services. Although different councils do things differently, generally the Elderly Support section of Social Services are the ones who organize Home Help/Day Centres/Meals On Wheels etc. 

As there are strict confidentially laws in place (and rightly so), unless your recorded as being Next Of Kin on your mothers health/Social Service records, getting any details will be difficult without her consent. Getting any details by telephone is virtually impossible.

I would agree with jjt and think that the only way to reassure yourself is to turn up in person. And while your there go and see the GP/District Nurse/Home Help and make yourself known to them, so that they will contact you if they are concerned AND also you can contact them for details.

Both Social Services and the Primary Care Trusts (PCTs) have a duty of care not only to the patient but also to the relatives.

Also turning up in person, showing concern, especially if she knows what a great effort has been made would really demonstrate how much you love her. (And if your really sneaky, use her phone to ring your mobile and record her number !)

Very frustrated Emagggie, she's always been difficult.  I've been thinking about the neighbours too and I'm going to drop them a line tomorrow.  

Mother lives in a semidetached bungalow, I bought it for her about twelve year ago after she moved out of the Granny flat because she couldn't manage the stairs.  (shouldn't say it but that was a relief.)  Within no time at all she had upset her immediate neighbour.  I tried to sort things out but she told me firmly to mind my own business and he wasn't best pleased either, so I left them to it.  But it's worth a try, I will give him my phone no. and ask him to ring me.  

Your right about data protection Jeannine.  Mother had a fall and broke her shoulder and went into a private nursing home for six weeks.   Trying to get information by phoning hospitals, nursing homes etc. to find out how she was or even where she was impossible, even though I was her daughter.  They were not allowed to give out information because she had not given them her permission.

I know who her solicitor is/was, he's left now.  It's the same firm of solicitors that I used when I lived in Harpenden.   I introduced her to them and they handled the purchase of the bungalow for me.  Mother also made her will at the same time, I was there.  

She's 'not short of a bob or two' and  her 'estate' is to be divided equally between a well known dogs home and a cancer charity.  Nothing for me and her grandsons, or the great grandchild on the way.  I say this not because I think it's unfair but it tells a story.

It's just dawned on me as I'm sitting here writing how ridiculous the whole situation is ...  With regard to contacting her firm of solicitors.  I received a very 'snotty' letter from them some time ago, on my mother's instruction.   I had asked her personally not to make any changes to the bungalow without having a chat with me first.  I can't remember exactly what the letter said but something along the lines of - she was going to do exactly what she wanted to do and if I didn't like it I should instruct my own solicitor.  They were my solicitors!

On another occasion I asked my mother if she had remembered to insure the property.  It was in an agreement that I had drawn up to protect her should anything happen to me.  She would then be secure in the bungalow for the rest of her life.  

I bought it cash, she lives there rent free, but she has to pay her own utility bills and insure the property.  Mother said she had insured the property but would not give me site of the policy.  I wrote to my solicitor saying I was concerned about this as she has a habit of leaving the gas on and her tea towels are full of burn holes, could they ask her for a copy.    Their reply stated  that they could not do this as they would be acting for both parties and it would be a 'conflict of interest', I should consult a solicitor.  Both parties?  I had the agreement drawn up.
Thank guys for all your posts, your great.  It's gone 4 in the morning, will do more replys later.

It may sound really harsh, but maybe you should do as she has asked, and leave her be?
Sometimes we have to go against our caring instincts and respect other people's attitudes.
I know you say she is losing it a bit, but if you can somehow warn her GP in writing that she may be at the stage where she is 'at risk' then they will have to investigate.
As far as house insurance goes- why not pay it yourself for peace of mind.
It's not nice watching folks getting old when they start losing it, especially when it's one of your parents and you care about them., and now you are feeling rejected
Maybe you could write to her and tell her you love her and that you will honour her wishes, but your door is always open if she wants to share her life with you again? No one will think badly of you for respecting her wishes.
You have clearly done a lot more for her than most children do for their parents by buying the house.
Maybe now is the time to give her some space, even though you know she needs help.
Not easy.....

Cazy, you have my sympathy, it must be such a worry for you.

I work with the elderly, supporting them so that they can continue to live in their own homes. My thoughts would be that you could ring the local social services and explain your concerns. I know that it can be a bit hit and miss, social workers are very overworked and sometimes don't act when they should, but if you get to speak to a good one...fingers crossed.

If you say that you are really worried that she may be "at risk" it might prompt them to act. "At risk" is a bit of a keyword here, so give it a go and let us know how you get on?

If you know the solicitor, I think they would inform you if anything happened to her especially of you dropped them a note to that effect and perhaps that is the most you can do.

I too can understand you Mums reluctance to have folks involved in her life for whatever reason, valid or otherwise, and  I symphathise  with you both. It is a very tough one to deal with,

XX Jeannine

Hi Cazy

You have my sympathy - My mother has been like this on and off for many years!  She is 82 now and very very lonely - Unfortunately she is prey to strange people that suddenly appear in her life and suddenly become "friends"  she joined a weird "church" group who suddenly became best friends and all "loved" her!  They were after her money!

Another time a guy turned up out of nowhere and she very nearly was talked into investing in his "foundation" because he was such a lovely caring man!!  They would have her live as family in their "foundation"  again a religiously theme although no particular religion mentioned.

The only reason I mention these people is - is there anyone taking advantage of your mum?  Sometimes strangers can poison your mum's memory of you and she will probably believe that you are evil etc.

My mum is a manic depressive she has her regular outbursts - she is a very difficult woman - but every so often she has (and currently has) good spells when I am in favour - my sister who sees her once every 5 years and has call barred her number is also in favour - there is no rhyme nor reason.

Social Services for the elderly is a good place to try - they pay the Social workers enough money so hopefully you will get a good one - otherwise I would give MIND a call and they have a fair build up of knowledge of how to access care!

Good luck - I am afraid it sounds as though you will need it!

Best wishes

Ann - Old Bird

A4A members are just wonderful. :)  I will pick up where I left off, keep posting, it is a great help.

jjt, my sons'.  The youngest, a student, lives in Lincoln, he attends Lincoln University and does not drive.  My mother snubbed him when he was thirteen when I contracted TB and he asked for her help.  She will have nothing to do with him, she said he upset her!

My eldest lives in Eastbourne.  He had a serious car accident fifteen years ago and has never driven since.  He phoned her in January when he was here on a visit and said he would like to see her, she said it was not convenient and to contact her when he next came up.  it was then she changed her phone number.

He is here for a week and goes home tomorrow.  He wrote to her and said he would get the train and perhaps spend the night with her before he goes back, and that he wanted to come and see her because he has some good news.  He is thirty eight and they are expecting their first baby next year.  MY FIRST GRANDCHILD ;D ;D ;D   she said she was busy and not to come.

I am for the moment putting my visiting her on the back burner.  I have written to her next door neighbour today and will make a few phone calls tomorrow when all my visitors have gone.  I am going to eat and will get back to this again later.  thanks again. :)

Oh cazy what a pickle  :'(  It sounds like you've got a real struggle going on there.

I haven't ever come across this sort of problem personally, but from reading what you've written I'd echo what others have said about getting onto the local borough/district or county council regarding social services for the elderly.  Also try local charities, you'll be amazed at how many services they offer once you start to look into it.

I'm no expert, but it does sound like something has triggered the odd behaviour, perhaps mental health problems, perhaps something else.  Either way, it's an experts that help she needs.

Another thing is, if she genuinely doesn't want you to help, then I doubt very much that she'll accept it willingly or gladly, and it'll possibly push her further away - so all I'm saying is think about yourself in all of this too.  It wouldn't be selfish of you to leave her be - after all it's what she's asking for.  I can't say what I'd do in your situation, it must be terribly frustrating.

Take care of yourself :-*

oh, cazy, i do feel for you, my dad was the same, however, when he had a heart attack, he would have no one but me attend to him until he died, it didn't matter that he was an absolute *** to me, I felt I had to look after him, even 'though i was having difficulties,
luckily for her, she has a support network, I think all you can do is keep in contact with those around her, on the outskirts so to speak..that way, you will feel better and she will be none the wiser..don't make yourself ill, I learned that lesson the hard way  :)
he didn't have any contact with any of my kids, such a loss for him, :(

Just a quick catch up on all your posts',  thanks again folks.

I have just seen Spencer and Anna off back to Eastboune they have to work tomorrow, (tears at the bus stop, you do feel silly) it's a long journey by coach especially with morning sickness.

At the moment, I feel that going to see my mother in person is not a good idea.  I have written to her a few times saying I would like to pop in and see her and would she give me a ring or drop me a line to let me know the best time. 

She has ignored my letters.  She doesn't want to see me, she wouldn't answer the door and she wouldn't let me in, and I don't want to upset her unnecessarily.   But I do need to know if she is a danger to herself or at the hands of another as in the case of Old bird's mother. 

I suspect my mother may be rejecting help from all sauces and because of her physical health I need to find out.  She is house bound and if she has a fall, she has had several, I fear that we would not find out until it's too late. 

I understand what your saying tin can, 'leave her be' .  That's exactly what I have been doing for the last several years.  I send her photos of her grandsons' in birthday, Christmas and mothers day cards with little notes on their progress.  (There's a seventeen year age gap but that's another topic.  A nice one though, maybe I'll do it one day.)  Also, when I have had to go into hospital, I always let her know for how long and which one so she can allways contact me.

My mother never has.  I can't remember the last time I or my sons received a Christmas or a birthday card from my mother, I think It was about five years ago when I contracted TB.

I did insure the property myself as soon as I got the reply from the solicitors, I also do the contents which belong to my mother.  She had a habit of setting fire to tea towels and I doubt if it's got any better, worries me sick.

I have been a bit sneaky in the past and got friends to phone her posing as double glazing agents, just to make sure she is still alive.  Can't do that anymore now she is ex-directory.  I got a friend to call on her and within a week received a letter from her solicitor saying she would go to court and place an exclusion order.   The situation now stands that if I am genuinely concerned I have to call the police and they have to accompany me to the bungalow  and I am only allowed contact if mother gives her permission.

Anyway, going to try a bit more phoning around, got absolutely no where so far.  I'm going to drop a line to the solicitors as well and tell them of my concerns, doubt if it will do any good though.   Thinking of trying Age Concern, If they'll have me.   ;D

I know, two consecutive posts :-[

The only good thing about banging your head against a brick wall is it's nice when you stop.

I have spent the best part of today trying to find out the which bit of social services, if any, would be in contact with my mother.  Don't know which is more frustrating, trying to deal with my mother or them.

I have heard:-  No, you want so and so.  Continually been passed on to different departments. Sorry I can't help you.  Well they shouldn't have passed you on to us.  Heard more about the data protection act than probably exists.  Pressed more numbers on my phone than I have ever done in my whole life.  Listened to more voice mail than you'd believe.  Used the phrase 'at risk' until it made no sense at all, and loads more until my brain was mashed.

When I finally got hold of the right person who would be able to help me I burst into tears and could not speak.  She was very sweet and told me to take deep breaths and she would wait till I was ready.

A modicum of hope.  She could not give me any information on my mother - not that I was expecting any, she said my mother could sue them  -  but did say she would make some enquires. 

She wouldn't be able to give me any information about my mother's health, physical or mental, or what conditions she is living in.  Nor would she be able to tell me if she was being visited by meals on wheels, being bathed, who could be delivering her perscriptions etc. or any other information on who is visiting her and why.  The only information she said she could give me is whether or not she is on their books.  She said she would ring me back and let me know.  Still waiting.

I find no comfort in this.  There are perfect strangers to me visiting my mother.  I used to call her eccentric, I was being polite.

She hides money all over the place, is very forgetful and has no awareness of her possesions.  I used to work for Victim Support and am only too aware of the crimes committed against the elderly.   Grrrrrrrrrrrr,   loud screams.

I have no practical advice Cazy but I found your posts extraordinarily sad for both you and your mum  :(

Be gentle with her and be gentle on yourself.

Trixie XXX

Cazy, for your own peace of mind, is there any way at all you could go there and see for yourself? You may not be able to do anything and you might not like what you see but at least you will know how things are.
Sending you huge cyber-hugs.xx