Allotments 4 All

whats the difference between a tractor and a girraffe ?
ones got hydraulics the others got high B****cks

man went into a pub and ordered ten pints of beer, as fast as the bar man was pulling the pints the man was drinking them. wow said that the bar man, youd drink this fast if you had what i have said the man
what have you got said the barman
50pence said the man  ;D

wot do you call a room wiv no doors or windows........................................................a mushroom (my granddaughters fav joke)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar. The Barman says - what is this, some kind of joke?

a young woman goes to the doctor to ask him about the facts of life as she is getting married at the weekend.she says she has seen her husband to be naked whilst he was showering and as she has been saving herself has a few questions about his anatomy. Firstly she says she has seen his pink thing and the doctor tells her that that is his "Shaft".secondly she says it has a purple tip and what is that called.The doctor tells her that is his "thingy end" .then she says he has two round things about 2ft from his thingy end and the doctor says for your sake i hope they are the cheeks of his bum

what do you call a man with a sea gull on his head?
cliff

a irishmen ,scotmen and english men walk in to a bar .the barman said
whats this some sort of joke?

a terrible car accident occoured  up the road the other week. a man hit head head on with a tree he lost his left leg and his left arm but hes all right now.

How do you make a hormone?


Don't pay her ;D

She was only an astronomers daughter.

But she was'n half a meteor.

I see that Swampy the  Eco- Friendly  tosser recently had an heart attack but  declined the  by-pass,

A man visits a psychiatrist and when asked his problem says,

"After I have said something, I can't remember what it is that I have been talking about."
Psychiatrist "How long has this been going on for?"
Man "How long has what been going on for?"

I have a rude one but can't put it in here as this thread isn't in the Watershed. :( :(

go on, you know you want to :P :P :P ;D ;)

Apologies for any joke already on here  :)

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

A dog goes onto a building site, walks up to the foreman and says - Hello mate, any jobs going?
The foreman says - Blimey, a talking dog! We haven't got any jobs at the moment. Have you thought of going to a Circus?
The dog says - don't be stupid. What would a circus want with a bricklayer?

what is white and swings through the jungle?

An Orangufridge.

 ;) ;D :o ;) ;D :o Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!!   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :o

 ;D :o 8) ::) ;D  there were 3 engineers....

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

:-X :o ::) ;D ;D :D ;) ;D

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.



Whats the difference between a great white whale and a small grey whale?

Size and colour.



How do you get down from an elephant?

You dont, you get down from a duck.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?  - a stick.

How do you catch a squirrel?  - Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head? - Mandy Lifeboats.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.
And how long has this been going on?
Oh, ever since I was a kid.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
Just sit there and I'll deal with you in a minute.

Whats green and sings? - Elvis Parsley

Teacher to Pupil: What do you get if you divide 2365 by 37?
Pupil: The wrong answer, I expect, Miss.

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.

What's thick and black and comes out of the ground and shouts 'Knickers!'?  -  Crude oil.

What's thick and black and comes out of the ground and shouts 'Underwear!'? - Refined oil.

First cannibal: What are you cooking for dinner?
Second cannibal: Shut up and get back in the oven.

Any fisher-persons out there ?


Can you name three fish that start and end with the letter "K"?































  1.  Killer shark ...

























  2. Kwik Save frozen haddock ...

























  3. Kilmarnock.
      (Its the name of a plaice in Scotland)

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?



Wooly jumpers