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my niece in law has just been safely delivered, a baby girl, for someone else
seems a bit strange to me, she only has one of her own, I know she's given a wonderful gift to someone but what do you think ?

I have mixed feelings Manics as I suppose you must have or you wouldn't be asking. For a mum/couple who desperately want a baby but can't it must be a dream come true - manna from heaven. I can't imagine what it must be like for the surrogate mum - in this case your nephew's wife? .. but remembering my pregnancies and the hormonally heightened emotions, I don't think it can be easy to experience the child growing inside you only to give it away.

I think she is a very brave special lady. XX Jeannine

What a truely very special lady.  All the best to her , what a treasure.

what a wonderful and selfless thing to be brave enough to go through it all and bring untold happiness to another couple.  thats how i feel about it.  :)

I think that as she knew from conception this baby was not to be for her to keep she would be in the right frame of mind to do it. it is a beautiful thing to do for someone giving the gift of life she will always have a special bond with the child

Was she a host for the intended parents i.e. it was the IPs egg (or donated egg) and sperm.

Or was she doing straight surrogacy where it is her egg?

It's a very selfless act.  Did she receive any support from COTS?

I think she's given the most precious gift possible, but the worry has to be for her own wellbeing. I know that you'll be there for her when she gets all the hormones & none of the cuddles.

You know, it brings a tear to the eye just thinking about how precious this gift must be to the recipients.

Wonder if the child will be as happy when she grows up? :-\

Quote from: sarah on February 13, 2008, 10:45:37
what a wonderful and selfless thing to be brave enough to go through it all and bring untold happiness to another couple.  thats how i feel about it.  :)

I could not have but it better myself !!

Please pass on our hugs and best wishes :)

Quote from: Alishka_Maxwell on February 13, 2008, 13:03:49
Wonder if the child will be as happy when she grows up? :-\

What a strange thing to say.

Just imagine growing up knowing your parents wanted you so much that they had you 'specially made'!
And to know that somebody else cared enough for your parents to have one for them. Trusted them with this precious gift she has carried in and delivered from her own body.

There is so much trust, love and selflessness (is that a word?) in this process, I think that is certain headstart to a lot of other children.
Give her my hugs.  :-*

I don't want to rock the boat here or be treated like a leper but these situations always make me feel that the children involved don't seem to be considered or is certainly not the priority, its the adults wanting the child that takes priority. Its like gays adopting or paying somewhen to have a child for them or even girls who set out to get pregnant with the intention of raising the child themselves.

What happens when the child finds out? From my experiences it can have a devastating effect with some terrible consequences.I can't imagine what it would be like to not be able to have children but I believe the welfare of the child must come first.How will the child or adult feel when its told about the situation? Possibly 9/10 it works and the child is fine but what about the ones who can't deal with it?

I'm not judging anyone just voicing my opinion from my experiences and dealings with those who can't cope.

Quote from: silly billy on February 13, 2008, 16:12:58
From my experiences

Potentially an insensitive question, but are you able to say what your experience is, billy? Because I find it surprising...

Personally I don't think I have the right to judge a gay couple as good or bad potential parents. There are plenty of loving gay couples, who are able to provide a stable, loving household. We need to avoid letting our own preferences taint what we find acceptable.

Quote from: silly billy on February 13, 2008, 16:12:58
Its like gays adopting or paying somewhen to have a child for them or even girls who set out to get pregnant with the intention of raising the child themselves.

I can appreciate all the points raised on here however the wording makes people who are gay sound like a separate species! (not suggesting you intended it that way, but it did make me chuckle!)  I know quite a few gay couples with children and I have to say they are probably the most well adjusted kids I've ever met, probably because the parents have worked extra hard to make sure they're raised not to have any problem with people because of their sexuality/race/disability etc, something which some of my straight friends could do with thinking about!  It's all in the socialisation dontcha know!

Well done to her though, I'm not sure I would have the emotional strength to do it.  She must be a very special person and that child will be all the more loved through the way she was brought into the world.

Quote from: OllieC on February 13, 2008, 16:57:01


We need to avoid letting our own preferences taint what we find acceptable.

What a bloody stupid thing to say!

Why is it all of a sudden everybody wants us all to be wooly minded liberals.

People do not choose the surrogacy route over night.  They are usually people who have tried for many years to become parents.  Often they will have suffered numerous misscarriages and that's before IVF/ICSI has been  pursued which can be sole destroying in itself.  It's very difficult to understand the emotions involved unless you have experienced infertility yourself.  It's not just loosing a baby it's having to reevaluate exactly what your life is and having all your expectations of life turned on their head.  And it doesn't stop with the parents - it has an impact on the lives of what would have been grandparents etc - the ripple effect can be quite broad.

I carried out some research into surrogacy and I found that people who get to the stage of considering surrogacy are very focused on being parents.  On the COTS site their is a great emphasis on being totally honest with the child and often the surrogate remains a close friend of the family having gone through such an emotional period of their lives (the 3 of them).  Strong bonds are formed. 

After all my research I found that surrogacy was not something that I personally felt comfortable with.  However I did love the idea that I would be involved with the special lady who would carry my child, I would be there at all the hospital appointments, a bond could develop prior to birth and that I would know my baby from birth. Being a biological part of my husband and I was a huge thing.  In some ways it all seemed to make sense, more so than adoption.  But something didn't sit right and I worried about the motivation of the surrogate, I couldn't quite believe that someone could be so altruistic, I worried that they had a greater need themselves that needed to be filled.  I also felt terribly uncomfortable with the idea that I was 'renting a womb'.  I'm sure that if I had felt more comfortable and had been matched well (the surrogate always chooses the parents - not the other way round) I would have grown to understand the motivation of my surrogate (I'm sure each is different) prior to taking the step towards conception.

As it turned out I was rushing ahead of myself after hearing bad news from the hospital and I hope eventually to be able to carry a child of my own.  But I do strongly believe that if the child is told how they came into the world they would suffer no psychological problems.  Someone quite simply helped Mummy and Daddy by growing their baby for 9 months.  Sounds so simple.

x

I do not think,no in fact I know I could never have been parted from one of my babies.With so many children needing adoption I find this hard to understand.I know there are not many babies available for adoption but there are a lot of older children.I have never felt the pain of not being able to have a baby but I am sure if I had I would have gone the adoption route.
A family living close to me a gay couple with a tenage daughter have had lots of problems ie daughter taking a lot of stick at school,the cause of many
volatile arguments that can be heard by all with daughter screaming at mum and asking her why is she gay.Sorry but this is a fact.
I think gay parents are no better or worse than straight parents but it is the outside word that makes it hard.

Quote from: betula on February 13, 2008, 19:09:22
I think gay parents are no better or worse than straight parents but it is the outside word that makes it hard.

Well said.

I suspect Ace that OllieC simply meant that we should all practice a little tolerance with things outside our own experiences, not that we should be "woolly minded liberals" - a lesson I think most of us could learn at times.

In general I believe that children accept the world in which they find themselves without question and assume it to be the norm at least until they find out otherwise. Far more often it is the parents or carers who have the hangups and feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Or society which is judgmental - the neighbours, the schoolfriends.

What has happened here is morally good in my view - although there are people and cultures that would not agree. Someone has selflessly donated the use of her healthy child-bearing body to a couple who would not otherwise have been able to have their own child. They are all happy with that arrangement. There is no hurt involved (except for the normal pain atttendant on child birth). They are all adults and have gone into it with their eyes open so presumably thought through the consequences beforehand. This bonny, healthy little baby girl might just have been an unfertilised egg but she's alive and well and has a mum and dad that are delighted to have her + an extra specially close auntie.

So what's the problem? For me it wouldn't make any difference if her parents were a male/female gay couple. When you think of some of the total d**cks you know that nevertheless have fumbled their way through parenthood relatively successfully why should it matter if the parents are gay or black or jewish or disabled. Why should Uk whites not adopt abandoned Chinese or other orphans? Who are we to make such judgments for others? Let them get on with living. Life's short enough anyway and too short for us to waste it on criticising others because they live their lives a wee bit differently.

Rant over.