How to handle a forum bully.

[Jeannine]

Sorry but  I just have to write this .

Thinking of forums rather like a school playground.

A perfectly acceptable thread is creamed by a rude offensive bully, one responds to the rudeness just as we would do if face to face, the bully quickly realises that  they can't win so they then report you to whoever. 

Ignoring is an option but then the bully just looks for another person or thread to cream.

Reporting to   the boss about banning is a consideration but that makes us the same as the bully and is not an option for me.

And when  the bully is well known in other neighbourhoods  using  several different names can we still ignore it.

It is a bit like na na na na na  to annoy, then running to tell teacher.

You can't really change the bully, it is not always possible to ignore it,but if you respond on his level you are threatened.

Personally I don't care much about being threatened,I am not quaking in my shoes, fair is fair,retaliation is normal.

No names mentioned here of course, we all probably know one or more.

So what is the best way to  keep ones dignity, yet be able to respond to being offended, after all we shouldn't have to be bullied into staying  quiet , the bully has won then.

We often agree to differ on this forum but this is something different.

I want to write..oh go on then..tell teacher, do your worst, see if I care, I stand by what I say. This is what I would say to the playground bully and trust that teacher has the common sense to know what is going on.

So what is the answer.

XX Jeannine

[Jeannine]

[springbok]

Well my answer is click on the ignore button, hence never seeing their posts!!

:) :) :) :) :)

Only been on here a year, but have noticed the bullies pick on the most knowledgeable, which really annoys me!! 

I want to gain knowledge from folk with experience and tried and tested ways, so the annoying little trolls have the ignore button pressed and don't get in the way of the enjoyment of this forum :D

[Jeannine]

I agree, but it only works if everyone does it, meantime the bully just goes after someone else.

My other point is if someone is being rude why shouldn't I be able to answer back, I have that choice if they were standing next to me.

XX Jeannine

[Tyke]

I think that the best way is to just ignore them. There are people who are rude to others and seem to just want an angry response. It's not worth it - don't take the bait and feed their hunger.

It is disappointing to see people respond to the bully by being just as abusive - it's not worth it....

[Borlotti]

Sticks and stones can hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me.  I must be stupid or very nice because I don't understand most of this.  Must get out while weather is fine and not get addicted to this site. As my dear old mother said pretend to be deaf or not understand and just smile and say 'yes dear'. It defuses the situation as people have no answer to that. Also he/she may be a bully but gets more answers/posts than me, I suppose I must be incredibly boring or nice.

[star]

I agree you should be able to answer back if you feel its appropriate to do so, sometimes silence speaks louder than words.   I have seen on A4A that most people here do police anyone out of order or being rude (not always in the best or tactful way) but bullies need support and if they don't get it they are less likely to continue.

I personally think that after prolonged bullying, you should feel happy to report the offender to the moderator or boss, after you have tried all other diplomatic options. Everyone is completely different in their tolerances and acceptances, so its a very individual decision as to how and when to deal with things.

If I was being threatened verbally or otherwise I would take exception as there is absolutely no need for that kind of childish behaviour on any forum.

I have been rude myself on here, I felt I had the right at that time as the person involved would not let up. Its not often I get so annoyed that I get to that level I'm glad to say.

[SamLouise]

You are the oxygen to their fire the minute you let them know something they have said has gotten to you.  Cut their oxygen and see what happens :)

[Froglegs]

I think a forum needs the odd bad apple, if only for there amusement value .

[keef]

I think a forum needs the odd bad apple, if only for there amusement value .

I agree.

[kenkew]

On the surface A4A pretty much polices itself and time has shown this to be the best method. Behind the scenes, Admin action has been taken occassionally, particularly where the integrity of the site as a whole and/or where a member has clearly over-stepped the mark.
'Bullying' takes all forms. Sometimes it's simply an over reaction to a comment made, other times, as we have all seen, a member actually goes out of his/her way to stir things. Most of the time things settle down and we get on with the reason we logged in for. Only rarely is there a need for Admin/Mods to step in and the first step is always a message to the offender following which a closer eye is kept on follow-up events.
If anyone feels they are a victim of bullying on A4A, please let Admin or the relevent Moderator know. Bullying isn't - and never will be - tolerated on A4A.
Thanks, KenKew.

[Si D]

I think that what ever you do you should resort to answering them at their level: this often only leads to an escalation of the offensive and can easily drag others in.

I see nothing wrong with reporting to the moderator if you feel that someone is breaking the rules or attacking you in inappropriate ways (speaking as a moderator on another forum I'd rather people did this that try to reply to the offender in kind: this just makes things so much harder to sort out and calm down int he long run).  I think that we are all grown up enough to realise that the "code of honour" that says that you "shouldn't tell teacher" was a code drawn up by the bullies just so that they could carry on bullying; the victims had no say in the creation of this code so why should they obey it: to do so is just to let the bully win again.

I've not seen the post that inspired the OP, however if attacked my standard reply would be something along the lines of:

"I am happy to debate the issue in a civil and respectful way, but I do not respond to bullying, threats or abuse.  Indeed, such tactics say more about the poster than about the one that they are aimed at, as, I am sure, the rest of the forum can see." 

...and depending upon how I am feeling and if the person in question has made several attacks rather than just a one-off posting without thinking, I might post-fix it with:

"Thus, I will allow you the oppotunity to amend your attitude before I use the ignore function and contact the moderator so that (s)he can remind you of the forum rules."



 

[Jeannine]

Hi, you are all pretty much saying what I thought you would. I should make it clear here though that I am personally not being bullied or threatened in any way but it does seem to pop up now and again here I did wonder what others thought.

Actually if I am to be honest what I do feel is sympathy to anyone who feels they have to be mean to get their jollies, usually I find bullies are big  bags of wind who say a lot and no nowt. They are usually the first ones to cry if someone answers back too so I suppose they are to pitied as they rarely have friends.

Kenkew it is the type that goes out of their way to stir that is concerning me and you are dead right froglegs about the odd bad apple.

The other part of me wants to reach out and say "be nice" just in case it is not deliberate rather than simply ignoring.

Oh well,  as my sympathy strings are being tugged I  can't say much more really  especially when it is all over the gardening forums under several names and everywhere folks feel the same.. Sad to be in that position I think.

You are a good bunch you know..

XX Jeannine

[Tyke]

You are the oxygen to their fire the minute you let them know something they have said has gotten to you.  Cut their oxygen and see what happens :)

Couldn't agree more...

[Amazin]

You are the oxygen to their fire the minute you let them know something they have said has gotten to you.

Certain bullies who 'pounce' on posts for the specific purpose of upsetting people do it so clumsily that they simply leave themselves wide open to ridicule.

And I am always happy to oblige.

;D

[Ishard]

*shakes head in wonderment* I must have missed something here  :(

[flossy]

While I understand most of the comments made here regarding people who make unsavoury posts,
I am a bit in awe of it all.

As a newbie to this site, and to having a computor -  you are the first site that I have interacted
with as I am still learning about this new and wonderful world !

Love this site , the people on it and all the topics and info offered,  but  ---  will someone please talk to me ?  or have you pressed my / your ignore  button !
Can someone tell me how that works  --  dont press the button !!!!!!!

Did post some questions about tomato blight,  didn't get any help - but someone else got a reply to
the very same !     :'(

Going down the lottie for a sulk !!    :-\

Flossy xxx

[grawrc]

 ;D ;D Flossy sorry I missed your blight posts  :-* :-* This bullying is not a general problem: just one or two people with an axe to grind and folk to upset. I really do not think you are one of them! I can't speak for others but personally I will always say to the "bully" in the thread that I am about to ignore.

[flossy]

 :)  :)  :)

Hi grawrc

Thank you so much for answering my post  :D, as you can see that I have just started using Smillies-
" little things etc " but they are fun arn't they !  :-\

Now, back to gardening and all things green !

Thank you again,

Floss xxx     ;D  ;D  ;D

[Flighty]

As a newcomer here I've found it a good place with lots of nice people, with one exception.
This last week has seen someone who seems arrogant, smug and a real smartarse.
I sympathise with all of you who've had to put up with the somewhat crass comments that have been made.
I ignore such people, and think that is the best way of dealing with them as they don't like being blanked and usually move on.
Have a good Sunday!

[Old bird]

Go away for a few days holiday and obviously something has gone on that I don't know about!!

What have I missed?

Old Bird
;D