Topic: Christmas in Trixieworld 2007! (May contain Swearing!)

[Trixiebelle]

WELCOME TO TRIXIEWORLD  CHRISTMAS 2007   ;D

It's a bit bizarre, it's a bit happy, it's a bit sad. But most importantly IT IS ALL TRUE!

Just to set the scene, Christmas is always at my house & I invite my bonkers mother, daughter Daisy, Grandson Tyler and of course, the main protagonist, Alfie my son! This year was just a leeeeeeetle bit different though ... ENJOY! Because I certainly DID NOT!
 
CHRISTMAS EVE:
 
Picked my mother up from Sheffield. It's her birthday & she's never forgiven the baby Jesus for upstaging her. Every year she has a tantrum and this year was no exception. I bought her an Oxfam Unwrapped present - an allotment for people in Africa. This did not go down very well at all. Her very words were "How do I know the money has been spent on an allotment. Will they send me a letter saying thankyou?"
 
Drove her down to Nottingham & we had a couple of rounds of false memory syndrome stuck in traffic on the M1.

(My mother is famous for 'false memory syndrome'. The most notable recollection being of her grandfather being killed by a tram in Sheffield when he was about 5yrs old. Of course, if her grandfather was killed at five years old he must be a rather young father. And how come he appears on my Gran's wedding photos in a bowler hat & sporting a handle-bar moustache??? Try and work it out! It took me 3 hours to convince her, showed her the wedding photo and then she blamed 'someone else' in the family for giving her false information!)
 
ROUND 1: Where we were when we found out people we knew had died.
 
Seems bizarre I know, but this argument took us from Chesterfield to the Mansfield turn-off.
 
ME: "When Uncle Pat was killed on K2 in the Himalayas my Auntie Sandra was at Auntie Hilary's house"
 
MOTHER: "She was NOT! She was at home ..."
 
ETC ETC   ::)
 
ROUND 2: What we ate every year when we were camping in Scotland.
 
ME: "I always remember, we had cans of chunky-chicken in sauce & jars of sandwich spread and ..."
 
MOTHER: "WE DID NOT!"
 
ETC ETC   ::)
 
Christmas Eve Night: Daisy decides that Tyler is stopping here overnight. Fine by me when I agreed but after 3 hours of hysterical crying until 1am & the thrashing around in the bed inbetween me & Alfie I SORT of regretted it.
 
CHRISTMAS DAY:
 
9:30am: I wake up the kids in my bed so they can open their stockings from Santa. Two delightful kiddies open some Santa presents & I have a tear in my eye! Next minute I'm in the bathroom - puking my guts up & sh*tting through the eye of a needle. I have a 'bug'. Thankyou Santa! I left you a glass of sherry as well. Never again.
 
MOTHER: (As I am lying prostrate on the settee downstairs groaning & heaving & trying to look enthusiastic about the kids opening their presents) "Don't worry. You can have a lie down after you've cooked the dinner"
 
I eat 12 Immodium tablets & wish I was dead.
 
10:30am: I pick up Daughter Daisy & she announces that she has invited her Boyfriend round for Christmas dinner (even though he despises me, the feeling is mutual & he's barred from the house) I stop off at the allotment and get more sprouts - it's the only thing he likes.
 
On Christmas Eve I heard an interview with Gordon Ramsay on Radio Trent about cooking on Christmas Day. He said: "Relax! Don't be afraid to ask other people to help out with the cooking either. And the turkey should be served at room temperature so don't stress"
 
Good old Gordon  Wise words indeed  But then again ... his mother isn't MY mother 
 
I delegated peeling/preparing sprouts & parsnips (fresh from the allotment) to her.
 
MOTHER: "The sprouts are too small"

I explained that it's been a bad year for sprouts but it wasn't a good enough explanation. I had to sit on the naughty step.
 
MOTHER: "How do you want me to cut these parsnips? They're not like the ones I get from Sainsburys, they're a different shape and they're covered in mud. I usually cut mine into circles but these aren't circle-shaped"
 
I explained that parsnips in supermarkets look different to home-grown ones. I was very calm for a minute and then ......
 

"LOOK .... JUST PEEL THE SO**ING PARSNIPS, CUT THEM INTO ANY SO*DING SHAPE YOU WANT AND THEN I WILL ROAST THE BUGGERS. GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN"
 
She didn't though   ::) Blood pressure SKY HIGH and then .....
 
I check on the 145lb turkey in the oven - which wasn't lit   :o
 
1:00: I get a textmessage on my mobile phone from Cockney Keef from the garage next door. Keef is LOVELY, don't get me wrong. He's a typical Cockney geezer, 2 stone wet through, an alcohol-toking ducker and diver, good sense of humour and very amusing 
 
But the text said: "When do you want me?"
 
I was a bit perturbed about it for a couple of minutes and then it all came flooding back.
 
A couple of weeks ago I got a bit too caught up in the 'Good Will To All Men' thing, had a few too many egg nogs & invited him for Christmas dinner   ::)
 
Back to the allotment for more sprouts 
 
He arrived with 2 bottles of port, got completely pi**ed and tried to get off with my mother   :o

He brought some videos round for us to watch as well:
 
TRANSFORMERS: Obviously his favourite film of all time because he stood in front of the telly watching it & dragged Alfie up there with him
 
DEVA JU: The film is actually called 'Deja Vu' but Keef insists it's Deva Ju. He also INSISTED that my mother watched it. "It's not violent, yule like it, there's no violence innit, it's a farcking good filum. Deva Ju it's called"
 
He DID set up Alfie's Hornby train set on the living-room floor though. But he was striding across the carpet to go to the bog & he trod on his glasses. Smashed lens and the left-arm was bent outwards at an angle of 45 degrees. Luckily they were from the pound shop. It was quite funny watching him concentrating on the 'remember 20 items on a tea-tray' game: Smashed lens, arm of glasses sticking out at an alarming angle etc. And then he won a prize in Trixie's Christmas raffle: "Give my mother a kiss: He was in there!  :o I didn't know where to put myself!
 
At 1am he was angling to stay here - obviously wanting to shack up with mother in the double bed upstairs  What a vile thought  Cockney Keef my step-dad? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO   :o  :o  :o  :o

I took mother home on Boxing Day & when I got home she phoned me  to thank me for a wonderful Christmas  Yeah whatever!  ;D
 
She was a bit 'egg-nogged' though & the message was : "My new year's resolution is to not lend or give you and Daisy any more money ever again"
 
THANKS MOM   ;D Oh how it warmed my heart!  ;D

[Trixiebelle]

PART 2!

SATURDAY 29TH DECEMBER

This is my Auntie Lyn's birthday. Auntie Lyn & uncle John always invite us to their house on this day - it's a bit of a tradition!

They live in a 17th century HOOOOOOOOOOGE farmhouse on Kinder Scout in the Hope Valley. The driveway to the house is a mile long & the house is one of the most fantastic places I've ever seen (used to go there as a kid and loved it - still do!)

ANYWAY! My car isn't big enough to transport mother, Alfie, Daisy, Tyler and christmas presents over there so I have to hire a car.  This is how the day begins ....

Off to Hertz Rentals for the estate car. Mother flatly refused to go in the boot of the Saab so had to hire a Ford Mondeo. Oh the shame  No acceleration power at all.  :'(
 
The Hertz rental man was the spitting image of Baldrick on Blackadder and was as a miserable as sin.
 
ME: 'I haven't got the paper part of my licence'
BALDRICK: 'I'm not bothered. dun't matter. I'm leaving in January anyway'
ME: 'I don't think I know my PIN no. for this credit card either'
BALDRICK: 'I'm not bothered. dun't matter. I'm leaving in January anyway'
ME:' Hertz cars not a very good firm to work for then?'
BALDRICK: 'Utter sh*t'
 
The only time he cracked a smile was when I asked him to show me where the 'on' button was on the car. It was on the TIP OF MY TONGUE to invite him over to Edale to the family 'do' but I checked myself on two counts:
 
A: The Cockney Keef debacle &
B: Mother had already refused to go in the boot of the Saab and I suspected the boot of a Ford Mondeo would be no different. Shame.
 
Hey ho and off we go ... to pick up Tyler & Daisy. She is uncannily full of the joys of spring (unlike Baldrick) but Tyler's in a strop. Probably because he's got a whiff of the impending family gathering. Canny lad.
 
I then give Daisy the annual briefing about what happens when mother is in the car on our way to Edale:
 
1. Do not have the CD on loud or she will feign death.
2. Tell her immediately that you had a lovely christmas and thank her again for the presents.
3. She gave you a Boots gift voucher & will want to know EXACTLY what you bought so be ready with a list
4. Say you're really looking forward to it this year and sing a jolly song if necessary.
 
ME: 'So what DID you buy with the gift voucher then? Let's rehearse!'
 
DD: 'Some hair dye, conditioner, make-up & three pregnancy tests'
 
I do wish she'd save these announcements for 'appropriate' times. When she announced she was pregnant with Tyler it was the same day my Uncle died and this time it was when I was in the middle of trying to accelerate a sh*tty Ford Mondeo estate up the slip-road of junction 26 of the M1.
 
After narrowly missing an Argos lorry & waving my apologies at the driver, I congratulated her (as every good mother should   ;)) and spent 20 miles pleading with her not to tell mother..... just yet anyway.
 
Mother was in one of her 'I'm going to disagree with you whatever you say today' moods so it was probably just as well we delayed the announcement, otherwise the conversation would have been as follows.
 
DD: 'Granny! I'm going to have another baby'
MOTHER: 'No you're not'.
 
As it was, we had a few arguments about bizarre things. The colour of ET's light-up finger for example.

ARGUMENT 1: ET'S FINGER
 
ME: 'Awwwww yeah ET! He had his little green light up healing finger didn't he?'

MOTHER: 'IT WASN'T GREEN - IT WAS RED!'

DAISY: 'I thought it was yellow?'

ARGUMENT 2: DREW BARRYMORE
 
MOTHER: 'The little girl was sooooooooo sweet in it wasn't she'

Daisy: 'Was it Drew Barrymore Mum?'

MOTHER: 'NO IT WASN'T'

ME: 'Yes Daisy, definitely Drew Barrymore.'

MOTHER: 'Oh well it might have been. I don't even know who Drew Barrymore is.'

ME: 'She played the little girl in ET'

ARGUMENT 3: THE CHESHIRE CHEESE INN

ME: 'Oooh look! It's the Cheshire Cheese Inn! I always used to get excited when we got to here when I was a little girl. It meant we were nearly there'

MOTHER: 'Well it didn't USED to be called the Cheshire Cheese Inn.'
 
Of course The Cheshire Cheese Inn has been called that since time immemorial and has a large picture of a cheese on the sign outside - always has. But maybe ... just MAYBE it was originally called The Jaunty thingy & had a picture of a cheese on the sign by mistake 
 
Shortly after the Jaunty thingy Cheese argument mother asks the one million dollar question:
 
MOTHER: 'So, Daisy. What did you buy with the voucher I gave you?'
 
I can see Daisy'ss face beaming from the back seat, grinning maniacally in my direction. My eyes are not on the road. She starts her list....
 
Daisy: 'Some hair dye .....'

MOTHER: 'Which one do you use Daisy.'
 
There ensued a welcome conversation about hair dye brands and I casually dropped in a story about a friend of mine who had a terrible reaction to hair dye and nearly died in the vain hope that all thoughts of what else was bought with the voucher would be forgotten. But no ......
 
Daisy: 'Some conditioner ...' (her eyes are boring into mine via the wing- mirror and she has a vile grin on her face. My eyes are pleading ... NO .... NO .... NO ......'  :o
 
Daisy: 'And ....'
 
ME: 'I KNOW LET'S HAVE A CD ON!!!!'
 
MOTHER: 'Not too loud'
 
Daisy: 'Ooooh yes! Put track 3 on! Granny! Cockney Keef did this CD for you, forgot to tell you! This one is dedicated to YOU'
 
Marvin Gaye. Sexual Healing  I don't know how I kept that bl**dy car on the road   ::)

[Trixiebelle]

WE ARRIVE AT OUR DESTINATION  Nothing short of a miracle.
 
The more dreadful parts of the family (patronising Paula & down-trodden David) have already left. They always do when we're on the way. Funny that! But it's mutually convenient and comfortable that way 
 
Cousin Jayne, her Indian husband Naresh & their 4 kids are there. At this juncture I need to tell you the story about my dear old Gran who always called Naresh 'Hashish'  Something she'd obviously picked up at the WI  ;D I will henceforth refer to him as Hashish because it's funnier - and he thinks so too   ;D
 
It's Auntie Lyn's 70th birthday so cards & presents are exchanged & the gin comes out. Uncle John is very liberal with the gin & rather less liberal with the tonic. Before long Auntie Lyn's (in fact everybody's) eyes start swivelling (except mine - I'm on coffee  ::) )
 
And the phone rings ..........
 
Before I tell the story of the phone conversation I need to set the scene! Cousin Ian (also significantly missing from the party) is obviously in some sort of debt with the National Westminster Bank and they have Auntie Lyn & Uncle John's phone number as his contact. The National Westminster Bank call centre (based in India) had telephoned this morning trying to trace him and were quite 'terse' with Uncle John about the whereabouts of his son.
 
Soooooooo .. as the gin hit the bloodstreams of everyone in the kitchen (big kitchen by the way!) & the kids were crying/laughing and people were chattering .. the phone started to ring.
 
Auntie Lyn picked it up 
 
AUNTIE LYN: 'Hello ... hello (eyes swivelling) Who are you? Is that Sue? I can't hear you! JOHN! IT'S INDIA AGAIN!'
 
Uncle John gets very irate and starts shouting ...
 
'PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN ... WE TOLD YOU THIS MORNING! OUR SON DOES NOT LIVE AT THIS ADDRESS! PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN! WE ARE GOING TO REPORT THIS TO YOUR MANAGER! PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN!'
 
Auntie Lyn put the phone down. Well you would, wouldn't you!
 
The phone rings again. Cousin Jayne answers it this time. Turns out it was
Hashish's (obviously Indian) mother phoning to wish Auntie Lyn a happy birthday.
 
AUNTIE LYN: 'Well it was a bad line ....'
 
Then all sorts of traditional things happened:
 
1. All the smokers sneak outside for a f*g & Uncle John locks all the smokers out.
 
We're not just talking about 'nipping outside the front door' for a smoke like you do in NORMAL houses though. We're talking about a farmhouse half-way up Kinder Scout in the pitch black with the wind whipping your knickers off and torrential rain beating your hairstyle to death. Think 'Wuthering Heights' meets 'The Blair Witch Project' in a force 10 gale.
 
But this year Hashish has hatched a cunning plan (unlike Baldrick in Hertz Rental) He has found a conservatory/shack type thing round the back of the farmhouse so we all troup off with our Peter Storm anoraks on and sit chuffing away with uncle John's geraniums he's brought in for the winter. We then hide the f*g ends in plant pots.
 
This is ok apparently because the f*g ends will never be discovered. Uncle John has a grand total of 509 (they've been counted) plant pots situated around the outside of the house, all full of soil & in various conservatories & greenhouses. Only about 7 of them have bulbs in so we're on a safe bet.
 
EVENTUALLY (swivelling eyes etc) ... Auntie Lyn manages to serve up the traditional buffet supper in the main dining room. Everybody cermoniously sits down and Uncle John makes his usual announcement:
 
'RIGHT! I'm off to feed the chickens'
 
Then 20 minutes later he makes his usual entrance, shortly after he's appeared at the dining room window with a torch under his chin looking like Jack Nicholson from the Shining  EVERY year without fail   ::)
 
It didn't go down very well this year though. 2 X 2yr olds and 2 X 5yrs olds scared witless & having hysterics over the Philadelphia stuffed celery chunks 
 
He was unperturbed though, went into his sacred study (no-one else is allowed into it) and fired up the stereo sound system that is wired through the entire house.

This year is was Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries (clip below for anyone who wants to relive the experience from an auditory point of view) on full blast.
 
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6-ACv3NohLI
 
I don't know if you've ever tried to do it, but singing 'Happy Birthday Auntie Lyyyyyyyyyyyn' over the top of a Wagner classic is really quite difficult.
 
I decided it was time to go @ 7pm. Hashish & Jayne were a bit disappointed I think. After all, they'd got to stay another night.
 
We shovelled ourselves in the Ford Mondeo and began the journey down the mile-long drive to the main road. What a beautiful evening after all  We could see all the stars in the sky & we had the warm glow of a family reunion behind us  We got to end of the drive ...  ;D
 
ME: 'Oh look! I think the gate's open!'
MOTHER: 'NO IT'S NOT!'
ME: 'Well can you just nip out and open it then?'
 
As me and Daisy, Alfie & Tyler sat waiting in the Ford Mondeo for mother to lock the gate, we looked at the very dark lane above us, the very dark road ahead, the starry sky above & the looming shadows of Mam Tor opposite. We turned to each other and smiled - as only mothers do when they have a child/grandchild on the way  It was a VERY special moment 
 
Daisy: 'Mum ...'
 
ME: 'Yes Daisy'
 
Daisy: 'Shall we drive off and leave Granny there?'
 
ME: 'Don't farcking tempt me!'
 
There is no mobile phone reception in my Uncle's house but I had a 'bleep bleep bleep' message from 901 when I got into a civilized area (not Chesterfield)
 
7:33: 'What are you doing for New Years Eve?' Cockney Keef  ::)

SUNDAY 30TH DECEMBER

After 3 days of sneaking in & out of the house I've been finally collared by Keef who was lurking behind the telegraph pole outside my house this morning 
 
Invited himself round for New Year's Eve despite my high-pitched protestations. I'm not celebrating, going to bed early etc.
 
KEEF: 'Naaaaaaaaahhhh I'm not farcking stoppin'. I'll just bring Diane round (some strange woman with a fizzy perm that sometimes appears outside his garage in an orange Reliant Robin with a small jack russel) and one bottle of sherry. OH YEAH! And a vid for the kids. I've got that one ... what's it farckin' called?? Farckin' 'ell! Oh yeah! The Face in the Mask or The Mask in the Face or summat like that. No violerrnce nor nuffink like that. I'll ring ya! What you drivin' a farckin' Mondeo foor anyway'

 *** SIGH  ::) ***

OPEN HOUSE NEXT CHRISTMAS BY THE WAY! EVERYONE WELCOME AND WHY NOT!

Hope you had a very (comparatively) Merry Christmas & wishing you all a very Happy New 'Keef-less' Year  ;D

Love Trixie & Alfie XXX

[asbean]

Don't know what to say, Trixie, you type faster than I can read (must be something int he gin).

 ::) ;D ::) :o :D :) ;) :) :) :) :) :)

[Trixiebelle]

I never touch Gin Asbean!

I wrote the whole story out to post on here but I had some restrictions! Typed too many words so I had to copy and paste  ;D

[Tin Shed]

Isn't Christmas just wonderful!!!
Trixie - you don't write sitcoms do you? I'm going to nominate you to write next years Christmas Special!!!
Can't wait for the New Year installment!

[Trixiebelle]

TIN SHED! Thanks! I've been told, cajoled and downright BULLIED about writing sitcoms/books etc. The thing is though ... if it all got published then all the members of my family would probably cut me out of their wills!

Actually ... that's no bad thing. They've already cut me out anyway & they've got bugger all to leave me  ;D

Maybe if I adopt a pen-name? Wilhemena Shakespeare? Georgiana Orwelltinsel? Rudyard Trixiebling?

[debster]

well m sat here with tears running down my face lol sorry to laugh at your misfortune but it was funny  :D

[mc55]

oh, the season of goodwill to all men !!!  we ended up having extended stay with MIL after someone the family knows died. Wait til my mum hears, she'll be furious when she's worked out how many days they got vs her ! 

Thank god it only comes once a year  :D

[Tin Shed]

Rudyard Trixiebling has a definite ring to it!
 As for cutting you out of their will etc.......I think they will be queueing up to be in the next installment!

[Rhubarb Thrasher]

Well, that cheered me up enormously. You'll laugh about it all one day - like Kenneth Williams in "Carry on Screaming"  ;D

hideous slur on the good people of Chesterfield btw

[Trixiebelle]

AY! RHUBARB!

I went to Chesterfield once ... DON'T MAKE ME RECOUNT THE TALE!

"Do you mind if I smoke?"

[Rhubarb Thrasher]

I'm looking forward the the New Year's Eve installment

FOUL
FEET
SMELL
SOMETHING ORRIBLE

[greenscrump]

Blimey - me and Oh had a v quiet time in comparison - hope you're feeling rested and recovered and ready for the New Year shennanigans  ;D  (not sure shennaninghans is spelt that way exactly.....)

[caroline7758]

You'll laugh when you look back on it, Trixie! Thanks for making us all feel as if we got off lightly!

[GREENWIZARD]

thank you pmsl ;D

[Trixiebelle]

OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAKE NO MISTAKE!

You all got off lightly  ;)

[sean]

hi trixie
well i must say you should be like me lock the door and hide turn all the lights out and put a note on the door not f---king home sod off
or gone on a cruise for new year lol
well ty hon i just sat and read this to my wife and we had a good giggle sorry lol so where do you live and can i bring me dog lol
have a great new year all
sean and sherry

[Amazin]

Sounds like a fairly normal Christmas in comparison to what goes on round this neighbourhood.

 ;D

[Carol]

You are absolutely hilarious Trixie.  I am sore laughing at your tale of woe.  Please o please get some of your stories to a publisher you have a way with words gal.  Roll on the next instalment.

I have realised I lead a very very dull life.

 ;D ;D