Topic: Moral Issue about Adoption

[coznbob]

This is really hard subject....

I was told by my grandmother, when wanting to find my birth parents that I would open up a can of worms.  I can quite honestly say that I found them and all my half brothers and sisters, and yes a can of worms was well and truely opened. ::)

However, what would you do if you had a sudden message from someone on facebook saying that they were your half sibling? Personally (although distinctly possible in my family) I think I would probably disregard it as someone trying on a con, and for the person doing it, it may be heartbreaking.

On meeting all the various members of my family I have found that you can never bring back the past, you will never have that bond that they all seem to share, being brought up together, and it can bring on some tremendous bitterness.  On the other hand, you will never be thinking what if and for some of us the need to know about our biological roots is very strong.

Every situation is very different and different personalities will lead to different outcomes. My advice would be to do what feels right, but be ready for some fireworks.

[luckycharlie]

I was an abandoned baby during WWII, reason unknown - subsequently adopted.  I have never felt the slightest desire to contact my so-called 'birth' family - they are nothing to me and I am nothing to them.  Also, I do not understand why anybody wishes to dredge up the past - life is about the future!  I have lots of loving family now and do not need to go rooting around in others' lives, possibly causing intense distress.

    What wise words.

[aj]

I was an abandoned baby during WWII, reason unknown - subsequently adopted.  I have never felt the slightest desire to contact my so-called 'birth' family - they are nothing to me and I am nothing to them.  Also, I do not understand why anybody wishes to dredge up the past - life is about the future!  I have lots of loving family now and do not need to go rooting around in others' lives, possibly causing intense distress.

You don't but the person in the original message does.

[rosebud]

 I would say a resounding  NO just enjoy the family life you have .
Do not wreck a persons life who does not want to know for Gods sake.

[Kepouros]

My first reaction was that he should leave well alone. He never knew his birth mother - she probably never even held him in her arms - so whatever injustice he may feel he incurred at the time of his birth he has no right to mess up the lives of his siblings and the rest of his family just to satisfy his own feelings.

However, if his siblings have been as incautious as he says in revealing the details of themselves and their circumstances  is it not feasible for him to make their acquaintance without mentioning the relationship. "Hi. Didn`t you once live in ...........?" seems a way to start.  If he is able to strike up an acquaintanceship with them that way he might be able to get some idea of the sort of people they are and what kind of reaction he might get if he hinted at the truth.   Of course, if they simply don`t want to know him then he should leave well alone

[SamLouise]

Not a situation I've been in and neither do I know anybody affected by anything similar but my own thoughts, for what they're worth, would be for the individual to do what s/he feels is best for them.

I appreciate the mother has her reasons for not wanting to know but she is speaking for herself.  I feel in my heart that the possible half siblings have a right to know and make their own decision on whether to become family or not.  I couldn't possibly imagine or put myself in a similar position but I'm sure I would want to know if I had other brothers and sisters that could become part of my life.  As adults, they must surely get the chance to choose for themselves?  The decision isn't and shouldn't be up to anybody else at this stage.

Also, I do not agree that every parent who gives up a child does it for selfish reasons and the judgements being made are quite harsh but again, for people having gone through such a situation, I appreciate it must feel very differently :)

Just my tuppence worth.

[lewic]

If I had more siblings I would want to know about them, even if we didnt get on, and I think this person has every right to try to contact them. Yes its going to be hard on the birth mother but she really should have told her partner when they met.

Agree with AJ, one option (not for the faint-hearted) is to contact the birth mother and say "you have X amount of time to tell them or I will". It may end in tears all round, but at least they will have had their say. Its better to regret what you have done than what you havent done.

[springbok]

Times have changed.

It sounds like the birth mothers generation would scorn at the idea that she had a child out of wedlock.  Hence she may of panicked at the initial contact.

However nowadays its pretty acceptable for women to have children before they have married.  If these children are now grown up, I think contacting them is pretty acceptable.  I think they have a right to know that they have another sibling.  I think its wrong when parents keep secrets.  I have seen that side and years later the child feels cheated for being lied to for years. 

You could approach gently...........maybe saying that your doing your family tree and that you may be related.  If they question further, you could mention who you are!!

I can see both sides of the coin, when some of the folks are saying No.............but are you the older generation :)  And I dont mean any offence by that in the least.    Just its 2010, and this generation sees life very differently :)

[Jeannine]

I am older generation but I still vehemently say no and I would have done all my life..causing pain or choosing not to cause pain does not come with age. I don't think anyone could go into this with the assurance that no one will get hurt therefore there is a risk of harm by going forward. Personally O couldn't take the risk if causing pain..not for any reason..  but certainly not to benefit me.I would rather stay back and feel right about not possibly hurting someone.

It may come out anyway as the poster originally said she had contacted the Grandmother I believe.. that would be the place to ask about the family situation and the siblings. Maybe feel her about a bit more. I might write to the mother via the grandmother and state that you are considering the siblings..maybe.. but truthfully for me personally I probably would not just by chance I caused hurt.

 2 Hurts don't cancel each other out, whatever mother did and whatever hurt  caused, it does not justify risking hurting back.

I think these things come out in their time with Gods help

XX Jeannine

[GrannieAnnie]

The idea that the birth mother rejected her child out of selfishness is short-sighted.
I'd say anyone who feels unable to raise a child well is doing the correct thing by giving the child to folks who hunger to raise
a child.  A pity so many ill equipped teenie boppers are keeping their babies and dumping the daily responsibilities on elderly relatives while they run wild.

Probably one of the worst programs we have in the US is putting children in foster care while their crack addicted parent goes from one institution to another instead of kindly opening the child's case for adoption by stable, concerned  people.

If a mother feels unfit to give good care she is to be commended when she releases the child for adoption.

[wraith]

My previous post may have seemed a little course..? I appreciate there are more feelings that need to be considered than just the person considering contact...Yes, there is a chance that to contact may cause problems, but standing back and doing nothing I dont see as the answer...

Just imagine in 20 years from now the chap is sat in his lounge and the doorbell goes, stood there are his brothers and sisters...... After a chat they realise that he knew of them 20 years previously and plead as to why he didn't contact them when he had the chance as they knew nothing of him...???

20 years of getting to know each other missed...??

Personally, I envy the fella...

My situation is that through research I know the town where may Father lives, I haven't seen him since the age of 4 (36 years ago) I also know that I have (at least) two half sisters, possibly brother/s too...?

I know none of there names, nor know anyone that could give me there names... My father is on the register of electors, but on the 'private' version which just show your name and not where you live... I asked the police for help, in simply putting a card with my details through his door, but data protection forbids this... I am now up against a brick wall so to speak...

If my father wishes not to know me, I respect that, but I believe my half siblings have the right to decide for themselves, yet am unable to progress to the point of contact...

I envy the man who has the option to contact... I dont have this option and would give my right arm for it....


wraith

[shirlton]

I can see both sides of the coin, when some of the folks are saying No.............but are you the older generation   And I dont mean any offence by that in the least.    Just its 2010, and this generation sees life very differently       

(Quote by Bokkie)



How often have I heard that one.  ::)

[Jeannine]

Wraith I can see where you are comng from now and I think I can feel a little of your pain.

I would encurage you to keep on looking, there are association that can ans lots of resources you can play detective in your self.

If you know your fathers name I think it not be too difficult to find him or his other children,in fact  frankly if you know his name and town I think it would  fairly easy.

I am interested to see what research you have tried, if you want to PM me I may know some way you can find out that you haven't tried.

XX Jeannine

[calendula]

so very easy to be hugely judgemental but the answer should surely be - this person will find a way to making their own decision and feel good about it, keep it simple  :)

[galina]

40 Years ago a baby was adopted by a loving couple. Sadly both of them died before he was 20.

He has no family other than the children by his marriage and feels it would be wonderful to have siblings, aunts and uncles who are his natural relatives as friends. His children know, his wife does too.

The question is.....Should he contact them  or not?

Why should the half siblings feel that he is a natural relative and therefore be friends?  Sorry this does sound harsh, but he has to consider their point of view and put his wishes on hold.  He is a total stranger to them.  Even though he knows them a little via Facebook, they do not know him at all.

The family ties were severed by the mother.  Presumably it was a hard decision to give the baby up, but one taken out of necessity and out of the wish for a good life for the baby.  He is just unlucky that his birth mother does not see a way of welcoming him back right now.  There may be very good reasons.  If she is barely holding the family together as it is, this mght cause untold harm.  But circumstances change and a request for contact may be received much more favourably in another year, in 5 years, in 10 years?  He should tread very carefully and not let his desire for ready-made friends, aunties and uncles, get in the way of respecting her decision. She knows that he wishes to make contact.  The next step is hers to make, not his to force.  However, another request, after some time has passed and made discreetly, is entirely reasonable.

Who knows, he may have been the lucky one with a good start in life brought up by a loving couple.

Sadly , it is a NO.

[elvis2003]

although we have been asked our opinion,we dont have the right to one unless been through similar ourselves

[PurpleHeather]

Wraith has got a point.

There are ways of 'getting to know' some one better. Without treading on the toes of others.

Not stalking obviously but if a person goes to a certain place on a regular basis, that could be a gym, bar, pub, be a member of a group or team of some sort then being in that same place can mean that the two could socially exchange words.

If a friendship develops, then, take it from there. It may be the other way round and a dislike of each other could take over, in which case, no one need ever know.

It has actually happened that adopted brother and sister, have, without realising it met and married, so there could be a natural bond. 

I would avoid giving the mother an ultimatum by saying you have three weeks to tell the family or I will do it myself.  She may defend herself venomously by spreading a rumour of some sort around the rest of the family.

She obviously never got around to telling her husband about her past, as time has gone by, it has become less easy. Yes it could upset him deeply to find out that something so intimate, she had never trusted him enough to tell him. 

If the adopted person has got a copy of his original birth certificate. In English law any one can apply, if they know the regestry office where the birth was recorded, the birth name and date of birth, for a copy of that cirtificate (that is why a birth certificate is not accepted as proof of identity) It will show the word '. 'adopted' the name of the birth mother, even the father in some cases. He will have something he can show, if he does declare himself in due course that he is, who he claims to be, or at least, that the person he claims to be, exists.

Softly softly catchee monkey. There has been a lot of water under the bridge to mix metaphors.

There is no need to rush things at this stage.

It occurs to me, if this birth mother found out one of her younger children required some sort of medical help (bone marrow transplant springs to mind) would she then declare it in order to try to get help for her child or would she let that child die to keep her past covered?

There are a lot of ways of tracing family too Wraith. The Salvation Army are worth a try for starters.

http://www1.salvationarmy.org.uk/familytracing

[CotswoldLass]

I do speak as one who has first hand knowledge of adoption. More I am not willing to reveal. I have the greatest sympathy for the original poster.
However, I would strongly advise against getting in touch with people who are completely unaware of your existence via Facebook. You feel hurt, rejected, obviously, but will potentially blowing other peoples' worlds apart remedy that? I think not.
In a world where everything was love they would respond and be thrilled to meet you. But look at their worlds and imagine what it would be like if they suddenly discovered their mother's hidden secret?
A previous poster recommended writing again to your mother. You could try that, but she may regard it as blackmail if she is very closed to the idea. On the other hand, couched well, it may open her heart. You could try, but expect nothing. Anything else will be a bonus. Meanwhile be happy.....

Best wishes