WE ARRIVE AT OUR DESTINATION Nothing short of a miracle.
The more dreadful parts of the family (patronising Paula & down-trodden David) have already left. They always do when we're on the way. Funny that! But it's mutually convenient and comfortable that way
Cousin Jayne, her Indian husband Naresh & their 4 kids are there. At this juncture I need to tell you the story about my dear old Gran who always called Naresh 'Hashish' Something she'd obviously picked up at the WI ;D I will henceforth refer to him as Hashish because it's funnier - and he thinks so too ;D
It's Auntie Lyn's 70th birthday so cards & presents are exchanged & the gin comes out. Uncle John is very liberal with the gin & rather less liberal with the tonic. Before long Auntie Lyn's (in fact everybody's) eyes start swivelling (except mine - I'm on coffee ::) )
And the phone rings ..........
Before I tell the story of the phone conversation I need to set the scene! Cousin Ian (also significantly missing from the party) is obviously in some sort of debt with the National Westminster Bank and they have Auntie Lyn & Uncle John's phone number as his contact. The National Westminster Bank call centre (based in India) had telephoned this morning trying to trace him and were quite 'terse' with Uncle John about the whereabouts of his son.
Soooooooo .. as the gin hit the bloodstreams of everyone in the kitchen (big kitchen by the way!) & the kids were crying/laughing and people were chattering .. the phone started to ring.
Auntie Lyn picked it up
AUNTIE LYN: 'Hello ... hello (eyes swivelling) Who are you? Is that Sue? I can't hear you! JOHN! IT'S INDIA AGAIN!'
Uncle John gets very irate and starts shouting ...
'PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN ... WE TOLD YOU THIS MORNING! OUR SON DOES NOT LIVE AT THIS ADDRESS! PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN! WE ARE GOING TO REPORT THIS TO YOUR MANAGER! PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN!'
Auntie Lyn put the phone down. Well you would, wouldn't you!
The phone rings again. Cousin Jayne answers it this time. Turns out it was
Hashish's (obviously Indian) mother phoning to wish Auntie Lyn a happy birthday.
AUNTIE LYN: 'Well it was a bad line ....'
Then all sorts of traditional things happened:
1. All the smokers sneak outside for a f*g & Uncle John locks all the smokers out.
We're not just talking about 'nipping outside the front door' for a smoke like you do in NORMAL houses though. We're talking about a farmhouse half-way up Kinder Scout in the pitch black with the wind whipping your knickers off and torrential rain beating your hairstyle to death. Think 'Wuthering Heights' meets 'The Blair Witch Project' in a force 10 gale.
But this year Hashish has hatched a cunning plan (unlike Baldrick in Hertz Rental) He has found a conservatory/shack type thing round the back of the farmhouse so we all troup off with our Peter Storm anoraks on and sit chuffing away with uncle John's geraniums he's brought in for the winter. We then hide the f*g ends in plant pots.
This is ok apparently because the f*g ends will never be discovered. Uncle John has a grand total of 509 (they've been counted) plant pots situated around the outside of the house, all full of soil & in various conservatories & greenhouses. Only about 7 of them have bulbs in so we're on a safe bet.
EVENTUALLY (swivelling eyes etc) ... Auntie Lyn manages to serve up the traditional buffet supper in the main dining room. Everybody cermoniously sits down and Uncle John makes his usual announcement:
'RIGHT! I'm off to feed the chickens'
Then 20 minutes later he makes his usual entrance, shortly after he's appeared at the dining room window with a torch under his chin looking like Jack Nicholson from the Shining EVERY year without fail ::)
It didn't go down very well this year though. 2 X 2yr olds and 2 X 5yrs olds scared witless & having hysterics over the Philadelphia stuffed celery chunks
He was unperturbed though, went into his sacred study (no-one else is allowed into it) and fired up the stereo sound system that is wired through the entire house.
This year is was Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries (clip below for anyone who wants to relive the experience from an auditory point of view) on full blast.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6-ACv3NohLI I don't know if you've ever tried to do it, but singing 'Happy Birthday Auntie Lyyyyyyyyyyyn' over the top of a Wagner classic is really quite difficult.
I decided it was time to go @ 7pm. Hashish & Jayne were a bit disappointed I think. After all, they'd got to stay another night.
We shovelled ourselves in the Ford Mondeo and began the journey down the mile-long drive to the main road. What a beautiful evening after all We could see all the stars in the sky & we had the warm glow of a family reunion behind us We got to end of the drive ... ;D
ME: 'Oh look! I think the gate's open!'
MOTHER: 'NO IT'S NOT!'
ME: 'Well can you just nip out and open it then?'
As me and Daisy, Alfie & Tyler sat waiting in the Ford Mondeo for mother to lock the gate, we looked at the very dark lane above us, the very dark road ahead, the starry sky above & the looming shadows of Mam Tor opposite. We turned to each other and smiled - as only mothers do when they have a child/grandchild on the way It was a VERY special moment
Daisy: 'Mum ...'
ME: 'Yes Daisy'
Daisy: 'Shall we drive off and leave Granny there?'
ME: 'Don't farcking tempt me!'
There is no mobile phone reception in my Uncle's house but I had a 'bleep bleep bleep' message from 901 when I got into a civilized area (not Chesterfield)
7:33: 'What are you doing for New Years Eve?' Cockney Keef ::)
SUNDAY 30TH DECEMBER
After 3 days of sneaking in & out of the house I've been finally collared by Keef who was lurking behind the telegraph pole outside my house this morning
Invited himself round for New Year's Eve despite my high-pitched protestations. I'm not celebrating, going to bed early etc.
KEEF: 'Naaaaaaaaahhhh I'm not farcking stoppin'. I'll just bring Diane round (some strange woman with a fizzy perm that sometimes appears outside his garage in an orange Reliant Robin with a small jack russel) and one bottle of sherry. OH YEAH! And a vid for the kids. I've got that one ... what's it farckin' called?? Farckin' 'ell! Oh yeah! The Face in the Mask or The Mask in the Face or summat like that. No violerrnce nor nuffink like that. I'll ring ya! What you drivin' a farckin' Mondeo foor anyway'
*** SIGH ::) ***
OPEN HOUSE NEXT CHRISTMAS BY THE WAY! EVERYONE WELCOME AND WHY NOT!
Hope you had a very (comparatively) Merry Christmas & wishing you all a very Happy New 'Keef-less' Year ;D
Love Trixie & Alfie XXX