While on vacation this week, on separate days, I heard the stories of two people who had been adopted and when 40 years old (both happened to be that age) they contacted their birth parents via their adoption agencies.
The birth father of one was dumbfounded he had a child since he'd never known his girlfriend of long ago was pregnant. He'd talked with his son, now grown, married and a father. They plan on meeting.
The birth mother of the other was delighted since she'd never had another child and her siblings had had no children which meant this "child" was the last of their line and it turned out he has a child so all of a sudden she is a grandmother as well. They had a three day get together of the "whole" clan in one house which was a wonderful reunion.
It was nice hearing about a happy reunion that worked.
They are lovely stories. I found out a few years ago that my mum had a baby adopted when she was 16 so I have a sister somewhere. She told me the day my nan died and has never spoken about it since. She told me not to tell my brother but I felt I had to. She will not talk about it again and has no sense of the fact that I have feelings about it. I would love to find my sister. Unfortunately my family is full of secrets and lies and I hate it.
Lushy x
The birth will have been registered somewhere so it is probably traceable.
There is a woman who lives in our village who had been adopted. When she went to high school people kept saying don't you look like the so & sos. She was their sister & was reunited with her birth family.
I remember watching a TV programme years ago when they closed all those old mental hospitals.
It turned out that a lot of women who were pregnant out of wedlock (some had been raped) were locked away in them and their babies put up for adoption.
They were old ladies when that programme was aired and they still wept for the babies they had lost. One said every year on her child's birthday she would write a card and put it into the a hollow tree in the grounds because she could not send it to him.
When some one I knew wanted to trace their birth mother, I found out how to do it and did trace the woman for her. This woman wanted nothing to do with her, said she had never told the father that she was even pregnant and refused to name him. She had another child but even her husband and siblings never knew about her pregnancy and she wanted it kept that way. Not a thought for any one else, her daughter has a sister and will never know.
It is a funny world. Even into the 1970s it was still considered impossible for a woman to keep a child and there were loads of girls sent away to relatives or put into homes for the 'inconvenient' child to be adopted off and forgotten about.
I imagine there must be thousands of mothers and fathers still grieving for a lost baby. Probably loads of children who think that they were discarded as unloved. Of course some may have been exactly that, but certainly not all.
If you know the birth name, place and date of birth, mothers name, although sometimes all that is not essential, You can apply for a copy of the birth certificate from the local reistrar.
Usually the adoption takes place in an area quite close, it is harder for the parents to locate their child than it is for the adopted child because their adoptive family will have the details of the birth mother on the adoption papers.
There is an organisation where you can register and if both parties are registered then after meeting with a social worker for councelling a meet can be set up. It is all confidential. It is also possible to ask a private 'eye' to locate some one for you. Of course it will cost.
I have thought a lot about trying to find her and would dearly love to. My mum is not really a happy person and I know she would not support it. I just don't know any of the details apart from she lived somewhere in Kent at the time so it is not local. I think it is very selfish of her to tell me and then refuse to talk about it; it was almost as if when my nan died she took mum's secret with her and for some reason she felt the need to unburden herself to me. I don't know, my brother thinks it is best left alone but then he won't tell her that he is now in contact with our dad who we didn't see for 30 years. That is because she was so outrageous to me when I did the same. This sounds like she is awful but day to day she is a lovely mum and I don't want to hurt her. Thanks for the information though PH.
Lushy x
Lushy, just a thought. Your mum might be unhappy because of the situation & what might happen if she tries to find her. Are you a mum? Can you imagine being in your mums shoes? If my girls have a problem I will talk to them but always say they must make the final decision as it is they have to live with it. In 20 -30 years how will you feel if you haven't tried to find her?
Lushy ,for some people the past is so painful they can only deal with it by not having anything to say about it,maybe they feel better with it locked away.
Can you imagine being sixteen and the baby being taken away.?In those days the young mother was pretty powerless.Not all the support services we have these days.
I remember being in hospital after the birth of my baby in 1972 and I was admiring someones baby and the Grandmother said he is going for adoption.The young mum did not say anything and I could not get my head around it at all.
My own feeling is that if you want to do it you should do so but be prepared for set backs......it might not be well received by your sister.
Social services will advise you on how to go about things.
Good Luck. :)
sometime the need to find people of your "blood" is very important to you the fact that it is not important to others doesn't diminish your feelings.My lovely sister now deceased turned out to be my half sister-RUBBISH she was my sister .My OH has 3 half brothers and because of difficult history in the family has no wish to have contact I however would jump at the chance to know his family but we're all different and while respecting other peoples feelings you have to value your own
Some adopted people I've met seem to have absolutely no curiosity about their genetic parents whatsoever, "what's past is past" whereas I'd be eaten up by curiosity if I were adopted. It even burns me up I never got to know my great-grandparents and other more distant relatives on back in time when they lived in Europe.
Where's that time machine when you need it anyway?
Thought I was not adopted I have very little information about my father and his family. I discovered when I was twenty one that my grandmother came from Latvia. I have recently been tracing back my family tree and while some branches go back to the 1790's I have been totally unable to trace my fathers side or his siblings, very frustrating. But I did wait until I was nearly 60 to begin doing it. So it took a while for my curiosity to develop!
I grew up believing that I had never met my father but this turned out to be untrue. I certainly have no memory of him. My mother prevented me learning German at school but when I later learned it I found I already knew some and had an natural extremely good german accent. This is not an natural ability with language since I never really got to grips with French.
I believe that I might have a half sister somewhere. So if there are any Bells out there, was your grandmother called Hedwig Matthilde Becker? My grandfather is reputed to have decamped to Canada starting a second family and I have been unable to trace that either.
Curiosity about the past also seems to be genetic. I have traced my paternal grandfather's family back to North Somerset. One branch of his family have brought loads of contacts and hits on Geneology sites and another almost none, in fact only the husband of a member.
Digeroo have you tried Rootschat...
http://www.rootschat.com
I have by far had the most help from this forum, worth a try if you haven't. :)
T. x
QuoteDigeroo have you tried Rootschat...
Thanks. I'll give it a whirl.
Years ago it was always thought that an unwanted baby could be placed in the home of a couple who wanted a baby and could not have one.
So the law came to be that the adoptive parents would take the baby into their home and it would simply become part of their family.
Then they found genes. We now know that we can inherit lots of traits from our natural families. We need that information, often it can save our sight (glaucoma) because knowing it is 'in the family' we can be tested for it. There are loads of diseases we now know are genetic and that information can even save our lives and that is not being over dramatic.
My friend, I mentioned earlier, both her adoptive parents became diabetic. So, she can get free eye tests because of it. Stupidly, if either of her natural parents were diabetic she could not. Because she was 'adopted out of that family'.
Now one of her children has got a medical condition which seemingly is genetic however the child has little hope of a cure. A family match just might have made a difference.
Social services are of no use what so ever. Their stance is to refer to the letter of the law. Obviously they are very over worked.
There is a site called genes re-united. I have no idea of it's value other than obviously it has business inclinations and there is a lot of money to be made from the hobby of tracing family trees.
http://www.genesreunited.co.uk/default.aspx?utm_source=google&utm_medium=ppc&utm_term=missing_relatives
Yes Genes Reunited is another way of tracing people. I have a friend who has found a whole new half-family, within half an hour of registering amazingly! She had no idea they existed at all but they obviously knew about her and had been looking for her. You never know, if you are meant to be reuinted it will happen, and if not it won't, but be prepared for it not working. ;) I don't want you to be hurt! ;)
Good luck xx
The reason I have not pushed mum for more information is that I can imagine how painful it must have been for her and the shame she feels she still carries around. I am sure one of the reasons she has not been able to find true happiness in her life is because of what happened to her when she was so young. I think it is so sad that young women had to go through that. I just wonder why she told me at all, I think I would rather not have known.
The great lesson I have learned is to be honest with my own family, whatever the issue it is better out in the open.
Thank you to those who have PM'd me, you are lovely folk :)
Lushy x
Lushy, it should be fairly easy to find the birth details, the local library has details on all the births etc in the UK, it takes a while to search through but if you have a last name and an about year it is not difficult, you can look through year by year. I have done it many times when doing geneology. It is probably available on the net now. It is a long shot too but please do consider a peep on Genes Reunited, it might bring something as adopted children and parents who gave them up often use that as a means of connecting. I am on there all the time and it is amazing what one can find out.
Re the adoption I can't help but there are organisations where an adoptee and siblings can register so if both are looking a connection is possible.
You know your Mum might actually want you to know but as it is painful she might only give info little bits at a time, she may well tell you more after a little while, I would think she has told you the hardest bit but probably doesn't realise that. I wouldn't push either but I have a feeling she might start to tell you more when she is ready. Bless her heart, it would have been very painful for her.
XX Jeannine
I read a very moving book by Kate Adie "Nobody's Child" where there was interviews with adults who, as babies, had been left in telephone boxes, etc. These people felt very empty because they had no past, didn't know if they could have any inherited illness etc. It was very sad.
All the best Lushy what ever you decide, I feel that Jeannine's advice is about right, don't push your Mum for more info, in time she may give you a bit of info, but it will probably take time. ;D ;D ;D
Hi Lushy-I would want to find her too! Half of my relatives are a complete mystery to me because my family is rife with people that don't talk because of things that happened 30 years ago. ::)
My mum told me that my auntie on my dad's side had a baby in 1977-1 year before my mum had me, which she had adopted-only my mum knew about her. I think about this girl a lot although I have no chance of finding her-my surname isn't common and it's only my mum's side that are interested in genealogy so the name wouldn't be reistered with GR or anything.
I know what you mean about your mum-she sounds a lot like mine-you can't push her to talk either! I don't think she would have told you if she didn't want something to happen-maybe it's just that she's not brave enough (who would be) to do it herself. Maybe she feels now her mum is gone she can do something about it with you?
Give her time and support. I hope it all works out for you. XxX
Thanks for all your thoughts and advice guys, funny that a chance reply to a post has started something up for me as I found out over 9 years ago! I have had some help from a lovely person on here though I don't even know the place of birth as my mum did not live locally at the time. And you know, I'm not even sure if I'm ready to dig it all up just yet as there is a lot going on at the moment. I will be sure to let you all know if ther are any developments.
Love to all
Lisa x
My mother never talked about my father. I once pressurized her to do so and got a complete piece of fiction, in fact I had seen it on TV a few weeks before. I only once even saw a photo and he was so small he could have been half the male population.
Ancestry at http://www.ancestry.co.uk/?atlassearch=paid&o_xid=39615&o_lid=39615
has a better search engine for births.
The advantage of Genes is that it will bring up matches on other peoples family trees but if you contact them they do not have to reply.
I started off trying to trace my father but in the end found all sorts of interesting information and contact with interesting distant cousins, having drawn a complete blank I gave up on my father.
My OH found out he was adopted when he was in his early 40's MIL had always kept it secret but my SIL found out when she was 15 that she was but dare not say anything until their mother was on her deathbed so she never knew her secret was out.
our daughter wanted to know about her birth grandparents so persuaded him to found out her name then she traced it and found a half brother and sister, his birth mother had died a few years previously
the brother although curious at first didn't want to know (think he couldn't take the shock of his mother having a secret baby) but he put us on to his older half sister,we have spoken to her on the phone and I am in e-mail contact but he has never felt the need to meet her and didn't encourage any closeness.
My problem at the moment is do I tell her he is very ill? she might want to meet him before he dies and he doesn't know her and never wanted to
Tricky isn't it? she keeps sending me funnies by e-mail (that our main contact) and she doesn't realise anything is wrong
any idea's because daughter and I don't know what to do
marg
Quote from: theothermarg on February 09, 2010, 20:49:54
My OH found out he was adopted when he was in his early 40's MIL had always kept it secret but my SIL found out when she was 15 that she was but dare not say anything until their mother was on her deathbed so she never knew her secret was out.
our daughter wanted to know about her birth grandparents so persuaded him to found out her name then she traced it and found a half brother and sister, his birth mother had died a few years previously
the brother although curious at first didn't want to know (think he couldn't take the shock of his mother having a secret baby) but he put us on to his older half sister,we have spoken to her on the phone and I am in e-mail contact but he has never felt the need to meet her and didn't encourage any closeness.
My problem at the moment is do I tell her he is very ill? she might want to meet him before he dies and he doesn't know her and never wanted to
Tricky isn't it? she keeps sending me funnies by e-mail (that our main contact) and she doesn't realise anything is wrong
any idea's because daughter and I don't know what to do
marg
If your husband didn't want to know her when he was well, it is doubtful he'd want to when ill. I say that only because it is pretty draining beginning a friendship, takes a lot of energy just trying to follow all the new information that gets poured out.
Yes that makes sense. I'll keep stum!
marg
Good advice GA, and I think you have enough on your plate at the moment marg though I can understand you concerns.
Lushy x
Well I 'm afraid I think differently on this one. She will never be able to meet him/ they will never know each other when they are dead. I would want to give her(and him) the opportunity of at least meeting. If she knows how he is she will either want to see him or not.