Sorry but I just have to write this .
Thinking of forums rather like a school playground.
A perfectly acceptable thread is creamed by a rude offensive bully, one responds to the rudeness just as we would do if face to face, the bully quickly realises that they can't win so they then report you to whoever.
Ignoring is an option but then the bully just looks for another person or thread to cream.
Reporting to the boss about banning is a consideration but that makes us the same as the bully and is not an option for me.
And when the bully is well known in other neighbourhoods using several different names can we still ignore it.
It is a bit like na na na na na to annoy, then running to tell teacher.
You can't really change the bully, it is not always possible to ignore it,but if you respond on his level you are threatened.
Personally I don't care much about being threatened,I am not quaking in my shoes, fair is fair,retaliation is normal.
No names mentioned here of course, we all probably know one or more.
So what is the best way to keep ones dignity, yet be able to respond to being offended, after all we shouldn't have to be bullied into staying quiet , the bully has won then.
We often agree to differ on this forum but this is something different.
I want to write..oh go on then..tell teacher, do your worst, see if I care, I stand by what I say. This is what I would say to the playground bully and trust that teacher has the common sense to know what is going on.
So what is the answer.
XX Jeannine
Well my answer is click on the ignore button, hence never seeing their posts!!
:) :) :) :) :)
Only been on here a year, but have noticed the bullies pick on the most knowledgeable, which really annoys me!!
I want to gain knowledge from folk with experience and tried and tested ways, so the annoying little trolls have the ignore button pressed and don't get in the way of the enjoyment of this forum :D
I agree, but it only works if everyone does it, meantime the bully just goes after someone else.
My other point is if someone is being rude why shouldn't I be able to answer back, I have that choice if they were standing next to me.
XX Jeannine
I think that the best way is to just ignore them. There are people who are rude to others and seem to just want an angry response. It's not worth it - don't take the bait and feed their hunger.
It is disappointing to see people respond to the bully by being just as abusive - it's not worth it....
Sticks and stones can hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me. I must be stupid or very nice because I don't understand most of this. Must get out while weather is fine and not get addicted to this site. As my dear old mother said pretend to be deaf or not understand and just smile and say 'yes dear'. It defuses the situation as people have no answer to that. Also he/she may be a bully but gets more answers/posts than me, I suppose I must be incredibly boring or nice.
I agree you should be able to answer back if you feel its appropriate to do so, sometimes silence speaks louder than words. I have seen on A4A that most people here do police anyone out of order or being rude (not always in the best or tactful way) but bullies need support and if they don't get it they are less likely to continue.
I personally think that after prolonged bullying, you should feel happy to report the offender to the moderator or boss, after you have tried all other diplomatic options. Everyone is completely different in their tolerances and acceptances, so its a very individual decision as to how and when to deal with things.
If I was being threatened verbally or otherwise I would take exception as there is absolutely no need for that kind of childish behaviour on any forum.
I have been rude myself on here, I felt I had the right at that time as the person involved would not let up. Its not often I get so annoyed that I get to that level I'm glad to say.
You are the oxygen to their fire the minute you let them know something they have said has gotten to you. Cut their oxygen and see what happens :)
I think a forum needs the odd bad apple, if only for there amusement value .
Quote from: froglegs on August 30, 2008, 12:53:39
I think a forum needs the odd bad apple, if only for there amusement value .
I agree.
On the surface A4A pretty much polices itself and time has shown this to be the best method. Behind the scenes, Admin action has been taken occassionally, particularly where the integrity of the site as a whole and/or where a member has clearly over-stepped the mark.
'Bullying' takes all forms. Sometimes it's simply an over reaction to a comment made, other times, as we have all seen, a member actually goes out of his/her way to stir things. Most of the time things settle down and we get on with the reason we logged in for. Only rarely is there a need for Admin/Mods to step in and the first step is always a message to the offender following which a closer eye is kept on follow-up events.
If anyone feels they are a victim of bullying on A4A, please let Admin or the relevent Moderator know. Bullying isn't - and never will be - tolerated on A4A.
Thanks, KenKew.
I think that what ever you do you should resort to answering them at their level: this often only leads to an escalation of the offensive and can easily drag others in.
I see nothing wrong with reporting to the moderator if you feel that someone is breaking the rules or attacking you in inappropriate ways (speaking as a moderator on another forum I'd rather people did this that try to reply to the offender in kind: this just makes things so much harder to sort out and calm down int he long run). I think that we are all grown up enough to realise that the "code of honour" that says that you "shouldn't tell teacher" was a code drawn up by the bullies just so that they could carry on bullying; the victims had no say in the creation of this code so why should they obey it: to do so is just to let the bully win again.
I've not seen the post that inspired the OP, however if attacked my standard reply would be something along the lines of:
"I am happy to debate the issue in a civil and respectful way, but I do not respond to bullying, threats or abuse. Indeed, such tactics say more about the poster than about the one that they are aimed at, as, I am sure, the rest of the forum can see."
...and depending upon how I am feeling and if the person in question has made several attacks rather than just a one-off posting without thinking, I might post-fix it with:
"Thus, I will allow you the oppotunity to amend your attitude before I use the ignore function and contact the moderator so that (s)he can remind you of the forum rules."
Hi, you are all pretty much saying what I thought you would. I should make it clear here though that I am personally not being bullied or threatened in any way but it does seem to pop up now and again here I did wonder what others thought.
Actually if I am to be honest what I do feel is sympathy to anyone who feels they have to be mean to get their jollies, usually I find bullies are big bags of wind who say a lot and no nowt. They are usually the first ones to cry if someone answers back too so I suppose they are to pitied as they rarely have friends.
Kenkew it is the type that goes out of their way to stir that is concerning me and you are dead right froglegs about the odd bad apple.
The other part of me wants to reach out and say "be nice" just in case it is not deliberate rather than simply ignoring.
Oh well, as my sympathy strings are being tugged I can't say much more really especially when it is all over the gardening forums under several names and everywhere folks feel the same.. Sad to be in that position I think.
You are a good bunch you know..
XX Jeannine
Quote from: SavageBlue on August 30, 2008, 12:44:26
You are the oxygen to their fire the minute you let them know something they have said has gotten to you. Cut their oxygen and see what happens :)
Couldn't agree more...
QuoteYou are the oxygen to their fire the minute you let them know something they have said has gotten to you.
Certain bullies who 'pounce' on posts for the specific purpose of upsetting people do it so clumsily that they simply leave themselves wide open to ridicule.
And I am
always happy to oblige.
;D
*shakes head in wonderment* I must have missed something here :(
While I understand most of the comments made here regarding people who make unsavoury posts,
I am a bit in awe of it all.
As a newbie to this site, and to having a computor - you are the first site that I have interacted
with as I am still learning about this new and wonderful world !
Love this site , the people on it and all the topics and info offered, but --- will someone please talk to me ? or have you pressed my / your ignore button !
Can someone tell me how that works -- dont press the button !!!!!!!
Did post some questions about tomato blight, didn't get any help - but someone else got a reply to
the very same ! :'(
Going down the lottie for a sulk !! :-\
Flossy xxx
;D ;D Flossy sorry I missed your blight posts :-* :-* This bullying is not a general problem: just one or two people with an axe to grind and folk to upset. I really do not think you are one of them! I can't speak for others but personally I will always say to the "bully" in the thread that I am about to ignore.
:) :) :)
Hi grawrc
Thank you so much for answering my post :D, as you can see that I have just started using Smillies-
" little things etc " but they are fun arn't they ! :-\
Now, back to gardening and all things green !
Thank you again,
Floss xxx ;D ;D ;D
As a newcomer here I've found it a good place with lots of nice people, with one exception.
This last week has seen someone who seems arrogant, smug and a real smartarse.
I sympathise with all of you who've had to put up with the somewhat crass comments that have been made.
I ignore such people, and think that is the best way of dealing with them as they don't like being blanked and usually move on.
Have a good Sunday!
Go away for a few days holiday and obviously something has gone on that I don't know about!!
What have I missed?
Old Bird
;D
I follow certain subjects on here if I think I can help, or if its one that I need answered ,so unlike a lot of people on here I don't get to read all the posts, and up until of late I was unaware of bullying or bad behaviour, but lately I have come across quite a few posts like this. Two lovely ladies on here left the forum because of some rudeness or other bad behaviour, both sent me PM's confirming this, one returned under a different name I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning this :-* and the other lady pops in from time to time but is sorely missed on a regular basis. The ignore button is one option and if certain people are upsetting you then this should be your option, Sam's right in saying cut the oxygen, I'm a wind up merchant myself but I think I know the line not to cross, have a laugh and a joke and more but there is a line not to cross, and ignoring people is as good a wind up as you can get. Myself and I know a few others on here will not follow that option, I personally like confronting the bully's, being of the short ars variety at school I was a target for bully's and I always confronted them with my big mouth and when you embarrass them in front of everyone and suddenly everyones laughing at them it seemed to change their attitude towards me, but that's my way and not everybodys cup of tea, so lets all be nice to each other and maybe peopleout there won't have thoughts of not posting, anyway I've had my three pennith and bored you enough to I'm off to the lottie. ;D ;D ;D
I always remember when I was a raj teenager with all the answers my father would utterly infuriate me when he would say "yes of course you're quite right." and walk away. End of argument and of course I knew that wasn't what he really thought but it left me with no argument which as a stroppy teenager (read "troll") was all I was really after.
Still works for me! ;)
That made me laugh ,, my Dad used to say(as he walked away)... I think you are very wise!!!
Flossy, I too am sorry I haven't introduced myself, I am going to send you a bigger message soon.
XX Jeannine
Quote from: cornykev on August 31, 2008, 11:02:25
Two lovely ladies on here left the forum because of some rudeness or other bad behaviour, both sent me PM's confirming this, one returned under a different name I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning this :-* and the other lady pops in from time to time but is sorely missed on a regular basis.
Good post cornykev. I'm not one of the two you mention but I've pretty much given up too for the same reason. It's such a shame one or two obnoxious individuals spoil the forum for others.
I don't know what anyone else thinks but I reckon this site lacks a moderator or two.Somebody to "pull the plug" on unsavoury posts.They have them on other sites so why not this one?
It would be helpful when someone posts on the wrong forum too,their post could be put on the correct one.
Everyone gets frustrated now and again but its no excuse for some of the "claptrap"(well put Tim by the way)that appears on here from time to time.
People views on certain topics will differ,thats only natural,but to abuse people on a public forum because their views dont match yours is totally wrong.
I enjoy this site and reading so many different ways of growing this and that but lately its becoming a "chore" just to visit!
No i think this forum works just fine the way it is who's to say what an unsavoury post or claptrap is? and some of the best posts started in the wrong forum.Can i make a suggestion, instead of the ignore button can we have a "did ya see ya own arse when ya got up this morning"button. Helps to stop all the quarrelling at Frog Hall...........only a suggestion ::). ;D
Moderator / Admin here!
I try to let the site run itself, when things go wrong I intervene - I am always a Report to moderator click away.
If you have a problem with bullying let me know. I do know what / who this thread refers to, and have spoken to people behind the scenes, but one thing that always seems to work for people is the Ignore button.
If a member has the ability to annoy you with every post they make, click ignore.
If however a specific attack is made I can and have acted on them.
As a forum with over a million hits a month, I don't think we do to badly!
Dan, I agree with you, and you do a wonderful job and I can think of nothing you don't do.
I started this thread as I was interested in the views of others, I am not being bullied myself, I can deal with that if I was, I did want to know other views.
I do have one question though.
How many names can 1 person have on this site and use at the same time I am confused about that.
Keep up the good work,
XX Jeannine
Hi Jeannine,
Thank you and will look forward to hearing from you. :) Feel so much better now! :)
I didn't go to Lottie as it rained and thundered, so - had my sulk at home over a saucepan of home
grown tomato sauce. Must learn how to post photos.
After reading the recent posts on this subject, I am so reasured and comforted knowing that A4A is run with so much care and concern - shall continue to 'pop in ' for a chat and have -- oooooh so many questions !! :D
Floss xxx
...and if you hit ignore, and the e-bully's post is included in another's reply you still get to read the e-bully's post. A bit like hitting the Ignore button on your awful former neighbours and being kept up to date with all the cruddy behaviour you managed to escape. I've experienced this on other forums, does it happen here, Dan, or is there a way to stop it?
And to think I've just recommended this site to a newby friend of mine and told them that it's all lovely and smelling of roses! ;D ;D ;D
Admittedly I've not been around much of late - when we move to a house with a garden I'll be back properly - but have always found it easier to stay sane by not biting at anything I read that I may disagree with (sometimes it's hard to refrain/red rag to bull etc). Please also bear in mind that a post could be written in innocence but the poster just can't express themselves very well so it comes across badly. We may be having an off moment ourselves and interpret the written word incorrectly and all of a sudden there's a bit of a flaming contest going on. The written word does not express tone or facial expression and it may pay to sit back and re-read a post - both their and yours - before hitting the Post button.
I trust you are all well and have had bumper crops this year - bet your onions are going to store a treat! Mwahahahaaa ;D ;D ;D I've just seen some photos on here of an autumn raspberry harvest and want to go and hide under the duvet in a depressed fug of small patio gardens and estate agents' For Sale signs. The jerusalem artichokes are doing well in their pot though so there's hope for winter grub!
Quote from: Admin aka Dan on August 31, 2008, 12:16:58
Moderator / Admin here!
As a forum with over a million hits a month, I don't think we do to badly!
I will second that.
Thirded!!
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease no more mods Dan.Please! Please? Reckon we self-police quite nicely don't we? and besides...this weather! bloody stir-crazy a lot us and Idle Hands, when they can't get out on their lotties & blight strikes ......get busy on their keyboards?
Sunshine, that's what we ORL need....changes everything :D
re mods, i have reported something to dan and it was delt with in under an hour, i dont know what help more mods would be.
keep up the good work dan
lbb
hi everyone i have left many a forum for this exact reason, and it was one of the reasons i signed on to this forum because it appeared free of this sort of childish nonsense, but i see it has reared its ugly head again, but i really like this forum and want to remain so can you all tell me where is this ignore button, because i am not interested in reading that individuals posts/ replies. thanks in advance and thanks for all the lovely advice given to me in the last month.
The ignore button is on the left hand side under your name, avatar etc. It's got a red circle with diagonal line across like a stop sign on the road.
I've already got two names on ignore from last year, and am about to put another on. (Think it's all the same person anyway). That will keep me from responding - unfortunately if anyone gets my back up I tend to snap back at them, much to the embarrassment of my family, so the fewer of us that do that the better.
Quote from: asbean on August 31, 2008, 17:12:34
I've already got two names on ignore from last year, and am about to put another on. (Think it's all the same person anyway). That will keep me from responding - unfortunately if anyone gets my back up I tend to snap back at them, much to the embarrassment of my family, so the fewer of us that do that the better.
yes i know, i have had to bite my tongue (make that finger ;) ) a couple times since it reared its ugly head, but the posts weren't aimed at me, also i am new to the forum and still learning its dynamics and also i didn't want to make the situation worst. but thanks i will certainly hit that ignore button for peace sake if nothing else.
I had thought that there seem to be more 'spats' recently, and they seem to come from what start as innocent threads.It's annoying for the person who starts the thread, and that other people need to spoil things for their entertainment. On the two occasions I've felt slighted I chose to ignore the poster and carried on as if they hadn't posted at all, although I know if I'd been face to face I would have let the acid drop.
Largely I think the moderating here is handled just fine, and long may it continue. :)
My method is to answer the first post totally ignoring the bully then send the person being bullied a supportive PM
I have also seen such posts flattened with the use of humour
I,v never used the ignore button, I feel I,m up to doing my own ignoring!
If I see a question asked and nobody answering it I usually have a go but I do know how flossy feels,I have also been "got at" by someone in the past but I,m still here and he isn,t (as far as I know)
marg