When young Albert was made redundant and signed on at the job centre they knew immediately what to suggest. “Join the Navy, lad”, they said. “You`re just the sort of bloke they`re looking for – be an Admiral in no time I`ll bet”. So Albert went to his local recruiting office and signed on.
He didn`t do very well at training school, in fact he would have failed every course but for the fact that none of the instructors wanted to be saddled with him for another term, so they all fiddled his marks and passed him. In any case the Navy needed more Ordinary Seamen to make up for all the Admirals. So he was posted to his first ship – a destroyer – as an Able Seaman, and No. 1 (First Officer to you) allocated him to the engine room.
After 3 days of Albert the Chief Engineer was going spare, and he sent Albert back to No. 1 with a note saying “If he stays in the engine room one more day I shall not be responsible for the state of the engines”. So No. 1 sent him to the Gunnery Officer who started him on the ammunition hoist for the forward 4inch gun. After 10 minutes Albert dropped a shell onto the Petty Officer`s foot. So Albert was sent to the torpedo tubes. Two hours later Albert was back before No. 1 with a note from the Gunnery Officer saying “If this man goes near the guns or the torpedoes again there will be no ship in this fleet and no man in this ship safe”. No.1 thought briefly about sending Albert to the Radar tower, then thought again and sent him to the Captain instead.
Now the Captain prided himself on man-management, and believed that no seaman was so bad that he couldn`t fit in somewhere, and he said to Albert “We seem to be having a bit of a job finding out what you do best. What did you do before you joined the Navy?”
Albert said “Well, I`d just qualified as a Gloop Maker, but the factory was outsourced to India, so I never actually made a Gloop before I was made redundant”. Now the Captain had sailed the seven seas, man and boy, for nearly 30 years, and he`d never heard of a Gloop, but he wasn`t going to admit this to Albert, so he said “Well laddie, if I asked you to make me a Gloop could you do it?”. “Oh yes sir”, said Albert. “All I`d need would be a small furnace, a steel cube about a foot square, some copper tubing a blow torch and a few hand tools”. So a small furnace was set up on the foc`sle and fired up, the other materials procured from stores, and Albert set to work.
Every time the watch bell rang the Captain or No. 1 went to the foc`sle to see how matters progressed, and each time Albert was obviously busily at work, and after 2 days of this the Captain asked Albert how much longer he needed. “Ready tomorrow at 1400 hours sir” said Albert, so at 1400 hours next day the Captain, No. 1, and all the off-watch officers and crew assembled on the foredeck to see the Gloop. Albert had a small deck hoist positioned with its cable dangling into the furnace, and a moment later the cable tightened and there rose into view the steel cube, now transformed with a delicate filigree of copper piping in sweeping gracious curves and whorls attached to it. There was a murmur of appreciation, which changed to a gasp of horror as the hoist swung outwards over the side of the ship, and the beautiful and mysterious object dropped into the sea. And as it slowly sank below the waves…
It went GLOOP! ..GLOOOOP!.....GLOOOOOOP
