Author Topic: Apologies to the Panto producer! (Read 6895 times)

MagpieDi · « **on:** December 17, 2003, 01:50:04 »

Hi Lish

Alas! I may not be able to make it on Friday...however...I would like to voice my concerns regarding the orgy if I may?

Firstly: after careful consideration of a certain gentleman's flagellum ( you will find him exposed behind the bike shed )..I do think you need to keep a watchful eye over him.
As a self confessed olde worlde gentleman he may withdraw from the action at the last minute...and as an experienced nympho of the woods..I know only too well the results of such a method of acting...utter frustration ...and bitter disappointment.

Secondly: there is the grave risk of him performing his own rendition of the Hokey Pokey ( you remember how it goes Lish) but just a reminder.....in out ..in out...shake it all about.

Finally:..and most important Lish......for goodness sake don't allow anyone the privilege of rubbing him up the wrong way.

An afterthought: Lish....could you please put out an SOS call to darling Tim. I fear I may have transgressed into dangerous territory....a flak jacket required ...most urgently.

HAVE FUN!!!

........................our father ..which art in heaven ..hallowed be thy name..thy kingdom come........................................

Hugh_Jones · « **Reply #1 on:** December 17, 2003, 02:22:15 »

These are wicked and most unjustified aspersions upon my blameless character. Whether you prefer to translate flagellum as a whip or scourge, or whether you prefer the alternative translation of a young vine shoot, I am sure that neither can possibly apply to me (although I would feel flattered by the latter)

But as she knows that, as an Olde Worlde Gentleman, I would never abandon a lady in need or distress.

Sad to say, the lady has accepted all I have to offer in the form of gifts, and has led me on with false blandishments, but now she is betraying me for another, who she hopes will purify her wayward soul and cleanse her of her impure thoughts.

Oh belle dame sans merci!

Hyacinth · « **Reply #2 on:** December 17, 2003, 02:25:04 »

Oh, dash it, Di! What do you mean you can't 'make it' Friday night? You making out somewhere else, then?

And how will we handle Hugh without your restraining influence? ::) ::) - Lish

MagpieDi · « **Reply #3 on:** December 17, 2003, 02:37:23 »

..........................Whips? :o

oops ...sorry ....flagellae !

Hugh_Jones · « **Reply #4 on:** December 17, 2003, 02:58:32 »

Oh the fickle lady. No longer am I a whip or scourge, or even a young yine shoot. I am now supposed to have the arms of a polypus. I, that am too gentlemanly ever to have laid hands upon her divine form despite her most earnest attempts to seduce me. I, who placed her on a pedestal, and laid my every talent at her feet in humble obeisance. I, whose life was lit more brightly by her every smile, and who treasured her every favourable utterance as greater than all the riches of Samarkand.

O treacherous Jade who hast so cruelly betrayed me!
There is nought left for me now but to depart this scene and take myself unto a Monastery, where, tonsured and sackclothed, I shall remain mute among the silent brethren, devoting the remainder of my life to service among the poor and downtrodden.

(Exit stage left with bowed head, and hand clutched to fevered brow)

CURTAIN !

MagpieDi · « **Reply #5 on:** December 17, 2003, 03:18:00 »

Dearest Hugh............................

Fancy one last ***** before you go?? :o

MagpieDi · « **Reply #6 on:** December 17, 2003, 03:29:36 »

......Oh no...not another cold shower.............

this is becoming a ..................habit ::)

Hyacinth · « **Reply #7 on:** December 17, 2003, 03:36:16 »

So that's Friar Tuck sorted for the panto, then?

MagpieDi · « **Reply #8 on:** December 17, 2003, 17:25:57 »

Alas ( once more ) dear Lish...I fear your Friar Tuck may need a little resuscitation ( judging from last night's impromptu rehearsal )...before he is able to perform with the utmost prowess.

May I suggest an alternative to the Final Curtain Call?

Lish - enter stage left bearing whip

Hugh - remains on stage....adopting ( and maintaining ) a masochistic stance.

Loud applause from ff ( familiar friends )

EXEUNT OMNES......HUGH DEBILITATUM

Hugh_Jones · « **Reply #9 on:** December 17, 2003, 18:50:35 »

Dear Madam,

I must confess to some difficulty in translating the exact meaning of the last posting. The problem arises from the use of the word debilitatum. If, as I assume, this is a derivatation of debilitas, a noun of the third declension, then the correct case would surely be the ablative, debilitate singular or debilitatibus plural, whereas the word used represents the genetive plural, a case which, although it might be correct when used in conjunction with (say) the verb mori is hardly apposite as a descriptive adjective immediately following a noun - particularly in a sentence in which the operative verb is derived from exeo (which should, in any event, be placed at the end, not the beginning, of the sentence).

I regret that such slipshod grammar should be allowed to appear on these boards and trust that there will be no repetition.

Yours etc.,

Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells.

ava_banana · « **Reply #10 on:** December 17, 2003, 19:35:48 »

Dear Madam,

I fail to see the benefit in you publishing letters sent in by your readers unless they have been carefully proof read.

Surely Mr Disgusted must mean genitive plural and not genetive plural.

Yours (using www.dictionary.com)

Pedantic, Essex

;D ;D ;D ;)

(Unless he was thinking of Genitals? :o :o)

Hugh_Jones · « **Reply #11 on:** December 17, 2003, 20:08:51 »

Dear Madam,

Your correspondent, Pedantic of Essex, is, of course, quite correct. It is, most unfortunate that errors of such a nature should appear on these boards due to your typesetters` inability to read my handwriting and the slipshod attendance to their duties of your proof readers.

Yours etc.

Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells.

P.S. No doubt the addendum to Mr. Pedantic`s admirable letter of correction was made by a disaffected junior typist not invited to your office party.

MagpieDi · « **Reply #12 on:** December 17, 2003, 23:40:21 »

( My once ) Dear Hugh

Please accept my sincere apologies, unfortunately it has become apparent that my other private tutor does not meet with your own high standards.
However, fortunately ( for him ) he does have a major distraction.

One fact from your correspondence that does concern me, distress even,is that you have deemed it necessary to adopt the pseudonym of a certain, equally verbose female poster from an alternative site.

Yours ( no etc )

Dissatisfied and Extremely Distressed Pupil

Emma , Ava, and all other pupils.......the bounder has exposed himself, and your suspicions of favouritism have been confirmed.

Consequently....I fear the behavioural habits of certain domestic pets may become apparent and sadly dominate.....come Friday.

All other female participants will no doubt welcome the arrival of large numbers of uniformed men.

Sadly , I will be absent.

C'est la vie.

budgiebreeder · « **Reply #13 on:** December 17, 2003, 23:47:10 »

You'll not be there Di what about pre panto/party drinks? Who's going to advise me on the wellies?oh dear,oh dear.Still on the bright side more Firemen for the rest of us.

MagpieDi · « **Reply #14 on:** December 17, 2003, 23:55:14 »

Oh ...bb...thanks for the sympathy!! ::)

firemen indeed ............and here's me pining away for a lost fantasy

:'(

budgiebreeder · « **Reply #15 on:** December 18, 2003, 00:01:33 »

Fantasy did you say fantasy now my fantasy is..........................................................something I can't write on these boards.

MagpieDi · « **Reply #16 on:** December 18, 2003, 00:12:03 »

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Hyacinth · « **Reply #17 on:** December 18, 2003, 01:24:13 »

For the attention of Hugh Jones, Esq.

Sir,

It has been brought to our attention that you have been masquerading under the name of our Esteemed Client, Ms. Disgusted of Ton(sometimes tun - depends where she is with her diet)bridge Wells, of The Other Place, Cyberland.

We would respectedly request that you desist from this dastardly practice forthwith.

Our Client would furthermore ask that you also refrain from impersonating her by way of costume and dress. Ms. Disgusted, a Lady of Fashion, believes that your knees are too nobbly and your bum too big to effectively portray her to her own high standards.

We trust that you will comply with our requests and desist your practices forthwith.

Yours faithfully,

Jerkin and Firkin,
Solicitors.

MagpieDi · « **Reply #18 on:** December 18, 2003, 02:05:47 »

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Hugh_Jones · « **Reply #19 on:** December 18, 2003, 15:08:02 »

To Messrs. Jerkin & Firkin

I am in receipt of your letter on behalf of the alleged Alishka Maxwell. Unfortunately, as your firm appears to be unable to afford the customary postage stamp, its delivery has been somewhat delayed.

Now, as to your Client`s ridiculous allegations.:-

1. I was known to the Editors of several broadsheet newspapers, including the Times, by the name of `Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells` in my frequent correspondence with them at a time when your Client was still learning to spell her own name, and I have, fortunately, kept copies of the relevant newspapers to evidence this fact. If, as your letter appears to admit, your Client has since been passing herself off under that name, it would seem that it is she herself who is guilty of whatever wrong it is that she is claiming, not I.

2. I find your Client`s exaggerated claims as to the comeliness of her form somewhat amusing. It is well known in dramatic circles that, under her stage name of Alishka Maxwell, she is only able to obtain parts as shapeless hummocks, known as knolls, but which she (presumably for reasons of embarrassment) prefers to refer to as `Nells`, and these have to be covered with artificial grass in order to avoid offence to the audience. I, on the other hand, am still able to wear, comfortably, the suits which were tailored for me some 30 years or more ago. I make no claims to pulchritude for my knees, but as I keep them decently clad in trousers rather than exhibiting them to public gaze in immodestly short skirts, as does your Client in what she apparently considers is the determining factor in `High Fashion`, the point would appear to be somewhat irrelevant.

In the circumstances I shall be delighted to receive, and defend, whatever proceedings you may issue on behalf of your Client, but I feel that you should alert your Client to the fact that I should then apply to the Court for an Order for your Client to provide the following documents:-

(a) Evidence of her true name.
(b) Her birth certificate.
(c) A current photograph of her WITHOUT her foundation garments.
(d) An Affidavit by her corsetiere as to the true measurements of what she so inelegantly describes as her `bum`, and any other relevant parts of her anatomy.

Yours faithfully,

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Author Topic: Apologies to the Panto producer! (Read 6895 times)

Hugh_Jones

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