Author Topic: Favourite Jokes (Read 6923 times)

ciaozzy · « **on:** January 23, 2004, 14:36:56 »

Yo peeps

as winter iz almost gone and we have had lots of good fun in the lull b4 spring.. whats your fav joke?

Mine is

Q:
What did the Ulsterman say after losing £2000.00 on the horses?

A:

I'm not feeling too grand :)

The perfect man, the perfect woman and Santa are in an elevator travelling up t the top
floor, on the floor of the elevator is a £20.00 note,
Who picks up the money?

A:

The perfect woman off course cuz...... the other 2 don't exist...

How many married men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.. they get the wife to do it...

what goes "tooh tooh"
an owl with his head on back to front.

know some rudey ones but....

Oz

xxxxx

Granny_Smith · « **Reply #1 on:** January 23, 2004, 14:45:56 »

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my bum
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no grey
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a
job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If
we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

flowerbaby_uk · « **Reply #2 on:** January 23, 2004, 15:43:03 »

LOL love your reply granny smith ;D will be reciting that little prayer tonite :)

aquilegia · « **Reply #3 on:** January 23, 2004, 16:09:11 »

I am terrible at remembering jokes. The only one I can remember is (and I put in here as a tribute to Spalding Gray, wherever he may be :'():

A skeleton walked into a pub and asked for a beer and a mop

MagpieDi · « **Reply #4 on:** January 23, 2004, 16:40:00 »

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Love 'em all.........but 'specially Granny's!!!

Mimi · « **Reply #5 on:** January 23, 2004, 17:16:02 »

Great thread Ozzy,mine is old but still my favourite;

Bin man to Chinese man- Where's your bin.

Chinese man to bin man- I bin a Hong Kong

Bin man to Chinese man- No, wheres your BIN

Chinese man to Bin man- I bin a HONG KONG

Bin man to Chinese man- NO, WHERE'S YOUR WHEELIE BIN

Chinese man to Bin man - I WEELIE BIN A HONG KONG

budgiebreeder · « **Reply #6 on:** January 23, 2004, 17:47:33 »

Keep 'em coming I think that we are all missing our HUGHand his jokes.

Doris_Pinks · « **Reply #7 on:** January 23, 2004, 20:31:23 »

One to follow for you BB! Here s a groaner for all you vegie gardeners!!

A bloke goes to the doctors and says “Doctor I know this is going to sound a little strange but I have noticed I have lettuce leaves growing from my bottom”. The Doctor says “Excuse me, did you just say that you had lettuce leaves growing from your bottom?”

The Bloke replied, “Yeah that’s right”.

The Doctor asked him when he first noticed this strange occurrence happening to his body.

The man answered, “it must have been a couple of days ago that I first noticed but my main concern is that this could only be the tip of the iceberg”.

Told you it was a groaner!

Doris_Pinks · « **Reply #8 on:** January 23, 2004, 20:33:09 »

Here's one for BB!!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change the bird's belligerent attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John,
in desperation, threw up his hands in dismay, then grabbed the bird and
stuck him in the freezer, slamming the door with a thud. For a few minutes
the parrot squawked, violently kicked the interior walls and screamed
then,
suddenly, there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute, then two minutes went by without a
single sound....

Fe aring that the parrot was injured, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm. Then
the parrot said in the most polite tone, "I believe I may have offended
you
with my rude language and actions". The parrot continued, "I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour. I can
assure
you, this will never ever happen again".

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour....

The parrot continued, "Just out of curiosity, may I ask what the turkey
did?"

budgiebreeder · « **Reply #9 on:** January 23, 2004, 20:37:45 »

Oh Dottie P thats a good'un thanks.

Ragged Robin · « **Reply #10 on:** January 23, 2004, 22:59:13 »

Many of my favorites aren't suitable for these boards however..........
Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party.............

........... dressed as a goat!

Garden Manager · « **Reply #11 on:** January 25, 2004, 02:17:05 »

Great jokes. Gave me a right giggle.

Pity i cant reciprocate. I just can never remember jokes i am told.

Speaking of jokes. Does anyone know where Hugh is? I miss his scythe like wit and wisdom.

spade · « **Reply #12 on:** January 26, 2004, 01:02:20 »

Why did the rabbit laugh? Because he had a hare up his bum.

Granny_Smith · « **Reply #13 on:** January 26, 2004, 10:27:32 »

A favourite with some of my Irish friends -

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme
had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for 1 million euros you've only got one lifeline left: - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin,
(b) Sparrow,
(c) Cuckoo, or
(d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, - "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon.".
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"Dat I am Mick" said Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter
screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've
won 1 million euro!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was
the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean
you know nothing about birds."
Paddy laughed and replied "To be sure Mick, it's easy. Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Garden Manager · « **Reply #14 on:** January 26, 2004, 13:21:40 »

Heres one i heard this morning on the radio. I'll tell it now before i forget it!

Three pigs go to a restaurant.

Waiter comes up to them and asks them what they'd like to drink.

First Pig orders a Beer, the second orders wine.
the third pig orders lots and lots of water(?)

When it comes to ordering the main course, The first pig orders Roast Beef with all the trimmings. The second orders Steak and Chips. The third when asked orders lots and lots of water.

Time comes to order desert. First pig orders Apple pie and custard. The second orders ice cream. The third pig orders lots and lots of water.

Time passes, then its time for coffee. First pig has his black no sugar. the second has a shot of brandy in his, but the third pig asks for lots and lots of water(!).

When the pigs go to pay for the meal, the waiter asks the third pig; "Your friends have all had lovely meals, yet all you haver had is water!" "I know" says the third pig, " but someones got to go Wee Wee Wee all the way home!" ;D ;D ;D

aquilegia · « **Reply #15 on:** January 26, 2004, 13:34:07 »

Richard - groooaaaannn! :D

Garden Manager · « **Reply #16 on:** January 26, 2004, 13:57:34 »

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Aquilegia

ciaozzy · « **Reply #17 on:** January 30, 2004, 01:58:18 »

What is the difference btween a cows tail and a mans tie?

a cow tail covers the whole ars*hole

soz peeps if you have already heard/read this but funny feminist jokey deserves own boardy cuz iz dead dead funny
I dont wear ties me... wear socks though speshly in this coldy weather.. brrrrr brrrr

Oz brrrrrrr

xxxbrrrxxbrrxxxx

ava_banana · « **Reply #18 on:** January 30, 2004, 15:06:25 »

OK, not particularly PC.............but......one of my fav'es:

A small guy steps into an elevator in NY, looks up and notices this huge dude standing next to him.

The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch thingy, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big guy reaches down picks him up, brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him and asks," What's wrong with you?"

The small guy, color drained from his face says, "Excuse me but what did you say just then?"

The big dude looks down at him and repeats, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penls, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Oh thank God for that! I thought you said 'Turn around'.

;)

ava_banana · « **Reply #19 on:** January 30, 2004, 15:14:19 »

Oh, and if you will excuse some of the language and inferences........(readers of a weak disposition, please skip this one)........some wise thoughts from Confucious:

Confucius Says ...

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Virgin just like balloon ... one prlck, all gone.

Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk.

Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who marry Richard must kiss Dick.

Man with hand in pocket feel c0cky all day.

Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter

Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches.

Man who loses key to lady's apartment get no new-key.

Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers...

War do not determine who right, war determine who left.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Girl who sit on judge's lap get an honourable discharge.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who farts in church sits in own pew.

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.

Passionate kiss just like spider web - lead to undoing of fly.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get tit-bit.

Man who put rooster in Ice Compartment take out Stiff C0ck.

No difference between man and mouse - both end in girl thingy.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

.........sorry if offended anyone.........I took out a few of the worst ones........ :-/

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Author Topic: Favourite Jokes (Read 6923 times)

ciaozzy

flowerbaby_uk

ciaozzy