40 Years ago a baby was adopted by a loving couple. Sadly both of them died before he was 20.
He engaged a private eye to trace his birth mother, not hard, the family still lived at the address she lived at when he was born and the investigator spoke to the grandmother who gave all the details about the family and felt sure that the natural mother would be delighted to hear from him. He left his address so that his natural mother could write to him
He never wanted to move into their established lives, all he wanted was to be 'in contact' like any long lost relative. Exchange Christmas cards and a letter every year. Although was prepared to become more involved, if invited.
What he did not expect was a letter from his birth mother telling him that she wanted nothing to do with him and that her husband knew nothing of his existance and he would ruin her marriage if the husband ever knew about his existance. She had a new life and family and wanted to be left alone.
Disappointed, he left the matter.
However, he has now discovered that the children from the new union. His half blood are on facebook. (no need to go into the reasons why, some people put far too much on their facebook sites so it was not hard to verify the facts) They are now adults too.
He can follow their lives on line very easily.
He has no family other than the children by his marriage and feels it would be wonderful to have siblings, aunts and uncles who are his natural relatives as friends. His children know, his wife does too.
The question is.....Should he contact them or not?
NO
Was about to say the same a definite NO
What a heart tugging dilema,how long ago did the birth mother send that letter? I feel so much for this chap,and hope it was only recent so she may have a change of heart
this is really hard, you dont say much about the birth mothers background but it could be that his birth brought shame on her and her family
She obviously hasnt told anoyone so contact with his half siblings could instigate a big family fued, ie why wernt they told about him, and could break up a mariage at worst.
I can fully understand his feeling of need to contact his half siblings but whislst his MUM is alive this might not be the best thing to do.
So after all that rambling my answer hard as it is would be NO
No. Maybe he would be setting himself up for more heartbreak and disappointment. All best left while the birth mother is still alive.
Sadly, NO
I, from experience , would say yes, siblings may or may not give him some answers that have been in his head for years, but I would also say go ahead with caution and be prepared for further rejection :'(
I pondered this for quite sometime before writing this reply....
I see that pretty much the advice give has been to not make contact... However, I would say YES make contact and my reasons are quite simple...
Firstly, he contacted his mother ( I use the word 'mother' as I personally distinguish between 'Mother' and 'Mum' as well as 'Father' and 'Dad... any fool and idiot can be a mother or father, but it takes a lot more to be a 'Mum' or a 'Dad'...) anyway, he contacted his 'mother' and she spurned him... Her reasons were purely selfish and there wa zero consideration for his feelings...!! Based on this alone I would ask exactly what loyalty or consideration does he owe his mother..? NONE in my book...
Secondly, his siblings are contactable, they are now adults and as such are able and oblidged to make their own decisions with regard to things... If they too shun him, so be it, but indeed it is THEIR decision to make and consideration for his birth mother should not form part of the decision to, or not to contact them...!!
If through him contacting them, it causes some friction for his birth mother... Hard luck... Part of raising children is the difficulties, troubles and heartaches they produce, emothions clearly that his mother has chosen to dispense with with regard to him...
If indeed it does cause some friction for her, then that should be of no concern to him whatsoever, as she has clearly shown him no concern whatsoever...
wraith
Though his siblings might be delighted to meet him, if it happened to cause the demise of their parents' marriage they might be more sorry that he entered their lives. I'd advise not to contact them.
I have a good friend whose unmarried birth mother had given her up for adoption. She was adopted by two alcoholics. It was difficult but she grew up and when her adoptive parents died (early) she married and had her own family and became a grand-mother. She found out who her birth mother was and couldn't decide whether or not to contact her. She prayed about it and decided she would send her a letter and ask if her mother wanted to meet with her or not, and if she didn't she would not persue it. Her mother (who it turned out was wealthy and very well connected socially) was not interested so my friend decided that was God's answer and dropped it.
Some years later she rec'd a call from her half-sister. The letter had been found in her birth mother's belongings after death and the half-sister was eager to meet her which they did. Surprisingly, the half-sister despite all the money etc. had made nothing of her life and was rather an unemployed hermit, some would say a mess, in comparison with my friend who had none of the advantages yet has built herself a healthy happy life. So she is not trying to aid her new sister. Interesting how life goes sometimes when we don't force things our way.
I was trying to write She IS NOW trying to help her half-sister.
Sorry for that error.
I agree to a point,but... contacting the siblings may be more than rejection or acceptance. They obviously don't know anything about this, and as we have no idea what is going on in there lives it may be imprudent to contact them.
If they are sound, secure people with basic lives it may be OK, but if they are ill or depressed or going through family traumas or indeed any traumas they may not be able to deal with such a shock. It may mean they confront their Mum, thereby causing stess to her and others,it may split a family into two camps, one supporting Mum others not .. there are so many ifs..
The mother could have all manner of reasons for saying what she did, it may well be something she has to say rathe than wants to say. Fear of rejection from her own family, wrath from her husband, I can think of many reasons why she would prefer to keep the secret.
Personally I wouldn't risk hurting the siblings or indeed her by chancing something.
Maybe further down the road when the mother is deceased may be a time to contact the other family.
I see your point in a way..bt so many folks could get hurt here..my abswer would still have to be sadly no.
XX Jeannine
Warning - while you were reading a new reply has been posted. You may wish to review your post
NO.
And still
NO.
Sorry I disagree.
I would write back to the mother telling her that the siblings had been found and she has x months [say 3] to tell the kids; or you will be contacting them yourself.
I speak from experience as I found my half brother on Faceache and contacted him and it's turned out ok. Actually better than ok. But if they do not know about him then the mother has to be given the opportunity to tell them her own way.
It is not the fault of the child and all the kids should at least be given the opportunity to have an adult relationship; if it doesn't work out then so be it; but the adult here has pulled the strings for too long.
and if she has hidden it all these years from an abusive husband and it gets out a nd beats the heck out of her ?????
Have no idea what the answer is to this.
If it was me I think I would concentrate on the people in my life who truly love and care for me. :)
I contacted my father with the aid of the salvatin army after not seeing him for 20 years due to a silly disagreement. I could picture the meeting in my mind and couldn't wait to see him again. Alas all I found was a bitter and twisted old man. I learned that he had died 4 years ago and I was so upset that even to the end he didn't want to see me. Be careful what you wish for
Quote from: Jeannine on August 26, 2010, 07:09:05
and if she has hidden it all these years from an abusive husband and it gets out a nd beats the heck out of her ?????
I'm sorry, really - but this is about the next generation. The mother has already disregarded the child's feelings and now the child needs to take control.
So the child has to put up and shut up just because the mother's husband might get a bit upset? What about the upset of the child all these years?
At least she could have had the decency to meet the child and explain the situation; as it is she HAD the child and needs to accept that you can't just throw a child in the trash and walk away.
I would say a definite YES!
I am sorry but because the mother doesn't want contact - she cannot withhold possible friendships and relationships with her children.
She has acted badly in not telling her partner/husband or what have you. I don't go with her being beaten up by him Jeannine! I think that if he is a wife beater then she should have left him years ago anyway rather than put her and her later children in danger. She should not be the one to make the decision for her children and blow the fact that she didn't have the guts to tell anyone about her earlier child.
My father disappeared out of my life when I was tiny - he now is in his late 80's and living in Australia - I have two sisters who I have never met - I contacted my father who didn't seem at all worried by the fact that myself and my sister were abandoned by him 60 years ago (there was no social security then) we never had birthday/christmas cards or anything from him. My half sisters, I think, have been told that I contacted them and I have given my address - they have made no contact at all (maybe they are worried about their inheritance?!!!) I can't be arsed with contacting them - but I would have been curious - had they showed any interest in contacting me.
Go for it - but be prepared for rejection!
Old Bird
I was an abandoned baby during WWII, reason unknown - subsequently adopted. I have never felt the slightest desire to contact my so-called 'birth' family - they are nothing to me and I am nothing to them. Also, I do not understand why anybody wishes to dredge up the past - life is about the future! I have lots of loving family now and do not need to go rooting around in others' lives, possibly causing intense distress.
This is really hard subject....
I was told by my grandmother, when wanting to find my birth parents that I would open up a can of worms. I can quite honestly say that I found them and all my half brothers and sisters, and yes a can of worms was well and truely opened. ::)
However, what would you do if you had a sudden message from someone on facebook saying that they were your half sibling? Personally (although distinctly possible in my family) I think I would probably disregard it as someone trying on a con, and for the person doing it, it may be heartbreaking.
On meeting all the various members of my family I have found that you can never bring back the past, you will never have that bond that they all seem to share, being brought up together, and it can bring on some tremendous bitterness. On the other hand, you will never be thinking what if and for some of us the need to know about our biological roots is very strong.
Every situation is very different and different personalities will lead to different outcomes. My advice would be to do what feels right, but be ready for some fireworks.
Quote from: asj on August 26, 2010, 13:26:18
I was an abandoned baby during WWII, reason unknown - subsequently adopted. I have never felt the slightest desire to contact my so-called 'birth' family - they are nothing to me and I am nothing to them. Also, I do not understand why anybody wishes to dredge up the past - life is about the future! I have lots of loving family now and do not need to go rooting around in others' lives, possibly causing intense distress.
What wise words.
Quote from: asj on August 26, 2010, 13:26:18
I was an abandoned baby during WWII, reason unknown - subsequently adopted. I have never felt the slightest desire to contact my so-called 'birth' family - they are nothing to me and I am nothing to them. Also, I do not understand why anybody wishes to dredge up the past - life is about the future! I have lots of loving family now and do not need to go rooting around in others' lives, possibly causing intense distress.
You don't but the person in the original message does.
I would say a resounding NO just enjoy the family life you have .
Do not wreck a persons life who does not want to know for Gods sake.
My first reaction was that he should leave well alone. He never knew his birth mother - she probably never even held him in her arms - so whatever injustice he may feel he incurred at the time of his birth he has no right to mess up the lives of his siblings and the rest of his family just to satisfy his own feelings.
However, if his siblings have been as incautious as he says in revealing the details of themselves and their circumstances is it not feasible for him to make their acquaintance without mentioning the relationship. "Hi. Didn`t you once live in ...........?" seems a way to start. If he is able to strike up an acquaintanceship with them that way he might be able to get some idea of the sort of people they are and what kind of reaction he might get if he hinted at the truth. Of course, if they simply don`t want to know him then he should leave well alone
Not a situation I've been in and neither do I know anybody affected by anything similar but my own thoughts, for what they're worth, would be for the individual to do what s/he feels is best for them.
I appreciate the mother has her reasons for not wanting to know but she is speaking for herself. I feel in my heart that the possible half siblings have a right to know and make their own decision on whether to become family or not. I couldn't possibly imagine or put myself in a similar position but I'm sure I would want to know if I had other brothers and sisters that could become part of my life. As adults, they must surely get the chance to choose for themselves? The decision isn't and shouldn't be up to anybody else at this stage.
Also, I do not agree that every parent who gives up a child does it for selfish reasons and the judgements being made are quite harsh but again, for people having gone through such a situation, I appreciate it must feel very differently :)
Just my tuppence worth.
If I had more siblings I would want to know about them, even if we didnt get on, and I think this person has every right to try to contact them. Yes its going to be hard on the birth mother but she really should have told her partner when they met.
Agree with AJ, one option (not for the faint-hearted) is to contact the birth mother and say "you have X amount of time to tell them or I will". It may end in tears all round, but at least they will have had their say. Its better to regret what you have done than what you havent done.
Times have changed.
It sounds like the birth mothers generation would scorn at the idea that she had a child out of wedlock. Hence she may of panicked at the initial contact.
However nowadays its pretty acceptable for women to have children before they have married. If these children are now grown up, I think contacting them is pretty acceptable. I think they have a right to know that they have another sibling. I think its wrong when parents keep secrets. I have seen that side and years later the child feels cheated for being lied to for years.
You could approach gently...........maybe saying that your doing your family tree and that you may be related. If they question further, you could mention who you are!!
I can see both sides of the coin, when some of the folks are saying No.............but are you the older generation :) And I dont mean any offence by that in the least. Just its 2010, and this generation sees life very differently :)
I am older generation but I still vehemently say no and I would have done all my life..causing pain or choosing not to cause pain does not come with age. I don't think anyone could go into this with the assurance that no one will get hurt therefore there is a risk of harm by going forward. Personally O couldn't take the risk if causing pain..not for any reason.. but certainly not to benefit me.I would rather stay back and feel right about not possibly hurting someone.
It may come out anyway as the poster originally said she had contacted the Grandmother I believe.. that would be the place to ask about the family situation and the siblings. Maybe feel her about a bit more. I might write to the mother via the grandmother and state that you are considering the siblings..maybe.. but truthfully for me personally I probably would not just by chance I caused hurt.
2 Hurts don't cancel each other out, whatever mother did and whatever hurt caused, it does not justify risking hurting back.
I think these things come out in their time with Gods help
XX Jeannine
The idea that the birth mother rejected her child out of selfishness is short-sighted.
I'd say anyone who feels unable to raise a child well is doing the correct thing by giving the child to folks who hunger to raise
a child. A pity so many ill equipped teenie boppers are keeping their babies and dumping the daily responsibilities on elderly relatives while they run wild.
Probably one of the worst programs we have in the US is putting children in foster care while their crack addicted parent goes from one institution to another instead of kindly opening the child's case for adoption by stable, concerned people.
If a mother feels unfit to give good care she is to be commended when she releases the child for adoption.
My previous post may have seemed a little course..? I appreciate there are more feelings that need to be considered than just the person considering contact...Yes, there is a chance that to contact may cause problems, but standing back and doing nothing I dont see as the answer...
Just imagine in 20 years from now the chap is sat in his lounge and the doorbell goes, stood there are his brothers and sisters...... After a chat they realise that he knew of them 20 years previously and plead as to why he didn't contact them when he had the chance as they knew nothing of him...???
20 years of getting to know each other missed...??
Personally, I envy the fella...
My situation is that through research I know the town where may Father lives, I haven't seen him since the age of 4 (36 years ago) I also know that I have (at least) two half sisters, possibly brother/s too...?
I know none of there names, nor know anyone that could give me there names... My father is on the register of electors, but on the 'private' version which just show your name and not where you live... I asked the police for help, in simply putting a card with my details through his door, but data protection forbids this... I am now up against a brick wall so to speak...
If my father wishes not to know me, I respect that, but I believe my half siblings have the right to decide for themselves, yet am unable to progress to the point of contact...
I envy the man who has the option to contact... I dont have this option and would give my right arm for it....
wraith
I can see both sides of the coin, when some of the folks are saying No.............but are you the older generation And I dont mean any offence by that in the least. Just its 2010, and this generation sees life very differently
(Quote by Bokkie)
How often have I heard that one. ::)
Wraith I can see where you are comng from now and I think I can feel a little of your pain.
I would encurage you to keep on looking, there are association that can ans lots of resources you can play detective in your self.
If you know your fathers name I think it not be too difficult to find him or his other children,in fact frankly if you know his name and town I think it would fairly easy.
I am interested to see what research you have tried, if you want to PM me I may know some way you can find out that you haven't tried.
XX Jeannine
so very easy to be hugely judgemental but the answer should surely be - this person will find a way to making their own decision and feel good about it, keep it simple :)
Quote from: zigzig on August 25, 2010, 20:51:55
40 Years ago a baby was adopted by a loving couple. Sadly both of them died before he was 20.
He has no family other than the children by his marriage and feels it would be wonderful to have siblings, aunts and uncles who are his natural relatives as friends. His children know, his wife does too.
The question is.....Should he contact them or not?
Why should the half siblings feel that he is a natural relative and therefore be friends? Sorry this does sound harsh, but he has to consider their point of view and put his wishes on hold. He is a total stranger to them. Even though he knows them a little via Facebook, they do not know him at all.
The family ties were severed by the mother. Presumably it was a hard decision to give the baby up, but one taken out of necessity and out of the wish for a good life for the baby. He is just unlucky that his birth mother does not see a way of welcoming him back right now. There may be very good reasons. If she is barely holding the family together as it is, this mght cause untold harm. But circumstances change and a request for contact may be received much more favourably in another year, in 5 years, in 10 years? He should tread very carefully and not let his desire for ready-made friends, aunties and uncles, get in the way of respecting her decision. She knows that he wishes to make contact. The next step is hers to make, not his to force. However, another request, after some time has passed and made discreetly, is entirely reasonable.
Who knows, he may have been the lucky one with a good start in life brought up by a loving couple.
Sadly , it is a NO.
although we have been asked our opinion,we dont have the right to one unless been through similar ourselves
Wraith has got a point.
There are ways of 'getting to know' some one better. Without treading on the toes of others.
Not stalking obviously but if a person goes to a certain place on a regular basis, that could be a gym, bar, pub, be a member of a group or team of some sort then being in that same place can mean that the two could socially exchange words.
If a friendship develops, then, take it from there. It may be the other way round and a dislike of each other could take over, in which case, no one need ever know.
It has actually happened that adopted brother and sister, have, without realising it met and married, so there could be a natural bond.
I would avoid giving the mother an ultimatum by saying you have three weeks to tell the family or I will do it myself. She may defend herself venomously by spreading a rumour of some sort around the rest of the family.
She obviously never got around to telling her husband about her past, as time has gone by, it has become less easy. Yes it could upset him deeply to find out that something so intimate, she had never trusted him enough to tell him.
If the adopted person has got a copy of his original birth certificate. In English law any one can apply, if they know the regestry office where the birth was recorded, the birth name and date of birth, for a copy of that cirtificate (that is why a birth certificate is not accepted as proof of identity) It will show the word '. 'adopted' the name of the birth mother, even the father in some cases. He will have something he can show, if he does declare himself in due course that he is, who he claims to be, or at least, that the person he claims to be, exists.
Softly softly catchee monkey. There has been a lot of water under the bridge to mix metaphors.
There is no need to rush things at this stage.
It occurs to me, if this birth mother found out one of her younger children required some sort of medical help (bone marrow transplant springs to mind) would she then declare it in order to try to get help for her child or would she let that child die to keep her past covered?
There are a lot of ways of tracing family too Wraith. The Salvation Army are worth a try for starters.
http://www1.salvationarmy.org.uk/familytracing
I do speak as one who has first hand knowledge of adoption. More I am not willing to reveal. I have the greatest sympathy for the original poster.
However, I would strongly advise against getting in touch with people who are completely unaware of your existence via Facebook. You feel hurt, rejected, obviously, but will potentially blowing other peoples' worlds apart remedy that? I think not.
In a world where everything was love they would respond and be thrilled to meet you. But look at their worlds and imagine what it would be like if they suddenly discovered their mother's hidden secret?
A previous poster recommended writing again to your mother. You could try that, but she may regard it as blackmail if she is very closed to the idea. On the other hand, couched well, it may open her heart. You could try, but expect nothing. Anything else will be a bonus. Meanwhile be happy.....
Best wishes