Allotments 4 All

(Well Christmas isn`t Christmas without one)

THE PANTOMIME

CINDERELLA

The cast: Baron Hardup â€" preferably an ex-Shakespearean who can`t forget it.
               Two Ugly Sisters â€" one short and fat (F.U.S), the other tall and skinny   (T.U.S.) (otherwise no comment)                        
                Cinderella â€" pick the prettiest young lady
               Buttons â€" possibly Oz if he can change from a tree
               Fairy Godmother (Short part)
               Prince`s Equerry (must look imposing and have his own morning coat)
               A royal servant (non speaking part)
               Prince (very short part)
               Two rubber mice (or should this be for the props department?)
                Mixed chorus
                One Tree (MUST be played by that consummate arboreal impersonator Oz)
                (All parts but The Tree are up for grabs)          

ACT 1  
Scene 1
Curtain up.
Baron Hardup is standing in front of very dilapidated mansion with front door open. The chorus (dressed as villagers) are lazing about the stage in various attitudes under the branches of The Tree.
.  The  Baron speaks:

“Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this pantomime”.
(Groans and catcalls from the chorus â€" shouts of “Go back to The Old Vic” etc.

The Baron continues:
“An escape from bankruptcy and family cares
That plague `most every moment of my time.
For since Gordon Brown robbed my pension scheme
And my Council Tax rose by leaps and bounds
Things are no longer what they seem
And I`m now worth ha`pennies instead of pounds”

Here the chorus form a ring around the Baron and chant in unison:
“the poor old Baron`s lost his cash
Now he can`t cut such a dash.
Can`t employ us any more
So we just hang around his door.
He can`t afford a loaf of bread
But our tax credits keep us fed”

The Baron: “ SHUT UP YOU RABBLE, and let me get on”
continues:
“But tonight I`ll spend many a pleasant hour
At the Ball which my Prince commands,
And take my two daughters â€" ugly and sour
And hope to get them off my hands.
But Cinderella, best of my brood
Will  stay at home and miss the Ball â€"
Her sisters don`t treat her as they should
And I can`t afford ballgowns for them all”.

Chorus:
“Poor Cinderella
She`ll never get a fella
As long as those two old witches
Scare off everything in britches
She`ll stay at home and miss the Dance
She never has the slightest chance
To be a proper woman fickle
And enjoy a bit of slap and tickle”

The Baron “FOR HEAVEN`S SAKE â€" BE QUIET YOU LOT!”

(slight pause)
Baron continues:
“But hark!” (cups hand to ear) “someone approaches in the lane”
(Puts hand to eyebrows and peers theatrically.  All the chorus do likewise)
Can`t make them out. Yes, now I can
It`s those damned broker`s men come to distrain
And take my furniture in their Rentavan
(Disappears through doorway and slams door â€" loud sounds of bolting and locking)
Chorus all slink furtively off the stage in various directions.


ENTER stage left Two rather rough looking `heavies`
(Song and dance routine to the tune of `We are the Ovaltinies` - older members will remember)

We are the County Court Bailiffs
In hobnail boots and studs”
(each lifts  one leg to show boots with studs)
“We don`t need any wayleaves
To carry off your goods”
(First Bailiff hammers on door)
“You haven`t paid your taxes
Like everybody ought
That`s why we`ve got our instructions
From the County Court”
(hammers on door again)
“Come now don`t keep us waiting
First we`ll take your chairs”
(hammers on door again)
“Then, without any more debating,
The carpet off your stairs”

(They pause for breath)

First Bailiff:
“Think we`re wasting our time here Bert, blighter must be out”
Second Bailiff:
Looks like it. Let`s go and evict that wicked old friar who doesn`t like pantomimes.
First Bailiff:
Sorry Bert. No evictions today. We`ll just go and paint “SCROOGE” on his front door.
Exit stage left.
The Tree speaks:
“Well, that`s this part finished. I`m off”
(Wanders off the stage, shaking his leaves noisily)

Curtain

SCENE 2
(A large bare attic with a very small stove in the middle and a truckle bed against the wall.  Cinderella is sitting in the only chair â€" a wooden kitchen chair â€" sewing)
Sings to herself â€" any old tune that fits

“My sisters want these dresses altering
For the Ball tonight
For one of them is big and fat
And the dress is far too tight.
The other is tall and thin and scraggy
And everything she wears looks baggy
I`ve sewn till I`ve got sore finger tips,
And they couldn`t care a tap.
This dress will burst if she wags her hips
and she`ll fall out through the gap

(giggles to herself)
At that moment the door bursts open and the two ugly sisters try to enter at once. They get stuck â€" improvise a bit of knockabout farce until they get sorted out and enter singly
(NOTE some care needed her in casting since none of the cast will want to admit to being this ugly)
T.U.S.
“Haven`t you finished those dresses yet? It`s almost time for us to get ready. I suppose you`ve been lazing your time away instead of getting on with it.”
F.U.S.
“And they`d better be right.  If mine doesn`t fit you`ll live on crusts and water for the next week”

“That corset I bought a week ago
(provided that I lace it tight)
will stop my boobs from hanging low
And pull my belly in all right
But I hope you`ve stitched the bodice well
For my worst fear (truth to tell)
Is if the neckline starts to drop
My boobs might flop out o`er the top
And unless I rescue them in haste
They`ll hang down to below my waist”

T.U.S.
Oh sister dear, you`ve done it wrong
As I`ve been telling you all along.
Like you I too was overweight
But now I`m nice and slim and straight.
I underwent a breast reduction
Shrank my belly and bum with liposuction.
My fat all slithered up the tubes
And now I`ve got quite little boobs.
The problem was, as I got thin
It left a lot of surplus skin
Which they tucked up tight beneath my breast.
Now I have a beard upon my chest”

“Now Cinders. Don`t think that because we`re out you can sit here dreaming all evening. We`ve left a nice pile of laundry for you to wash and iron.  You can get started as soon as we`re gone in an hour`s time.
They exit, carrying their dresses

Curtain


SCENE 3
The setting is the same.  Cinderella is again sitting on the same chair, eating a slice of bread.  A couple of mice sit by her chair and she drops a small piece of bread for them.
(NOTE better use rubber mice or there`ll be pandemonium among the ladies)
Buttons is standing by the stove warming his behind.  He holds a rather withered pumpkin in his hands.
(NOTE: As there are no trees from now on, perhaps Oz would like to play Buttons)

Cinders speaks
:
“Oh Buttons, my dear friend, I`m so hungry. Is there nothing at all to eat?”
Buttons:
“Poor Cinders. I did search the larder.
I really couldn`t look any harder.
The shelves were bare
There was nothing there.
The only remnant to be seen
Was this leftover from Halloween
Your two mean sisters had scoffed the lot
There`s nothing else left to put in the pot
I`d hoped for Brazil nuts (kept well hidden)
But under Euro rules they`re now forbidden
And now the man at the village store
Won`t give us credit any more
So the only thing now when hunger is felt
Is take a deep breath and tighten your belt”

Cinders:
Oh dear! Clarabella`s dress was already too tight.  If she`s been stuffing herself again it will certainly split open if someone asks her to dance and she`s sure to blame me and beat me.  Oh Buttons, I`m so miserable. Whatever shall I do?” And I would have so loved to have gone to the Ball â€" they`ve never let me go to one yet.

Buttons:
“Oh Cinders, my poor mistress dear
You`ll not be alone `cos I`m still here
And though we have no wine to sup
I`ll try to keep your spirits up
I could tell you a funny joke
The trouble is that all those folk
Who censor this site would raise a shout
And Dan would tell me to rub it out”

At that moment there is a blinding flash, during which Fairy Godmother is lowered onto the centre of the stage
(NOTE: must pick someone lightweight as we only have a 50kilo rope)

Fairy Godmother:-
“Fear not, poor Cinders, you shall go
To the Ball, as your heart pines
Your sisters cannot say you `No`
And you`ll be dressed up to the nines
The finest ballgown you shall wear
The finest pearls around your neck
A diamond tiara in your hair
And I`ll guarantee, by heck
None shall arrive in greater style.
With these two mice shall you approach
White horses I`ll make them with my guile
This pumpkin into a golden coach
But remember, Cinders, there`s a price
Before twelve you must be back, you see
Your horses will then turn back to mice
Your coach once more a pumpkin be”

F.G. waves wand again. Another blinding flash and mice and pumpkin have vanished. Cinders is wearing splendid gown, pearls and tiara
(NOTE â€" suggest Cinders wears all this throughout scene, covered by tatty old kaftan or similar which can be easily whipped off)

Buttons runs to window and looks out

Buttons: “Oh look Cinders.  There`s a magnificent golden coach with two white horses to pull it. “

Exeunt both stage right
The chorus enter from stage left.  All are dressed as fairy godmothers and god fathers

Chorus:
“Cinders is going to the Ball
She`s going to get there after all
She`s going to be a real winner
Dressed up like the doggie`s dinner
And if she plays her cards aright
We`re pretty sure she`ll score tonight
We just hope she`s sense enough
Not to get herself `Up The Duff`”

All exit

Curtain

ACT 2
SCENE 1
(NOTE:  This should have been the Ball, but the set was too expensive, we couldn`t afford the band, and there aren`t enough ballgowns and evening dress suits for the cast.  Besides, they`d all be wanting to swig champagne all the way through.
In any case, everone knows the story, so we go straight to:-)

Cinderella`s attic.  The set as just as we last left it. Very short scene. Cinders is back in her tatty old dress

Buttons:-
“O Cinders, I did wait and wait
You gave me quite a dreadful fright
As the hours passed and it got so late
That you wouldn`t be home before midnight
I had a vision not so nice
Of your homeward journey oh so slow
Escorting those two poor little mice
With a pumpkin still in tow
Your sisters looked a dreadful sight
They didn`t get home till nearly four.
They were both completely tight
And I left them sleeping on the floor


Cinders:
Oh Buttons, It was like a dream
E`en better than I thought `twould be
To my amazement, it would seem
The Prince appeared to fancy me.
Together we danced the evening through
He held me in a tender lock
Then all too soon, such great ado
I looked up and I saw the clock
Away I sped as fast as I could
But I dropped a slipper on the way
The horses galloped through the wood
And we just got home for change of day
I saw my sisters from afar
Sitting there as in a trance
Slugging Champers in the bar
And nobody asked THEM to dance”.

Exit both stage left

The Chorus re-appears (don`t quite know what as this time)
“We knew that she`d enjoy herself
She won`t be left upon the shelf
Like those two ugly harridans
Who`ll never get to hear the banns
Read out, and won`t it make them wince
To hear she`s captivated the Prince”

They dance off stage

Scene ends (I said it was a short one)
Curtain

Ok so when are we doing the casting?

(yes yes I know i said no panto, but you are having one despite my advice so we might as well have some fun with it ;D)

SCENE 2
In the drawing room of Baron Hardup`s castle â€" lot of tatty old moth eaten furniture, hole in the carpet â€" you get the picture?)
Baron Hardup is reading the Financial Times.  The two ugly sisters are sprawling on sofas looking thoroughly hung over and even more ugly than before. (NOTE: We SHALL have to be careful with casting)

First U.S. â€" groans heavily

“What did I get up to last night?  I feel terrible”.

Second U.S.  - Also groans

“We shouldn`t have drunk all that free booze. I`ll send for some coffee”

Picks up handbell and rings loudly â€" First U.S. claps hands to her ears.
Door opens and Buttons appears
2nd U.S: “Bring us some coffee quickly, Buttons”
Buttons:  â€œThere isn`t any coffee”
2nd U.S:  â€œWhy isn`t there any coffee”
Buttons:  â€œBecause the grocer won`t give us any more credit”
Both sisters both groan heavily again
At that moment there is a commotion outside, followed by a thunderous knocking on the front door.  Buttons goes out, re-appearing a minute or so later followed by important looking gent in morning coat and striped trousers accompanied by several people in livery (the Chorus dressed up)

Buttons:
“This is the Prince`s Equerry
Searching through the whole country
To find the maiden who by some chance
Stole his heart at last night`s Dance”

Chorus:
“This Equerry, who looks so staid
Has come to find the dainty maid
Who last night stole the Prince`s heart
And pierced it with Cupid`s dart
And from his duty he`ll never shirk
He does ALL the Prince`s dirty work”
Equerry :
He danced with her the evening long
But now he fears he said something wrong
Or that his charm began to pall
For suddenly she left the Ball
The only trace he had of her
Was nothing more than this slipper
Which in her haste fell off and dropped
Upon the stairs, down which she hopped
And sped away in a golden carriage
And now he wants her hand in marriage
And I am bid by his command
To visit each maiden in the land
And find which foot of dainty tripper
Will fit inside this golden slipper
Come ladies â€" though you look too rough -
See if your feet are small enough”

F. U.S. steps forward and tries to put her foot in the slipper
“Blast â€" I can`t get my foot inside
I think my instep`s just too wide
Perhaps I`d make it seem more lean
If I covered it with Vaseline”

Equerry: Sorry madam. No artificial aids allowed â€" although you look as though you could use a few.

T. U.S. steps forward and tries without success

“Very nearly, but not quite
Perhaps my foot swelled in the night”

F. U.S:
“You don`t fool anyone, sister dear
To all of us it`s very clear
To don that slipper, oh so neat
You`d need liposuction on your feet”

Chorus:
“These two old hags will never do
They both require a size ten shoe
This little slipper`s far too neat
To fit those fat and swollen feet”

Equerry:
“I thought it was a hopeless case.
But is there in this tatty place
Another maiden young and fair
For whom this slipper would make a pair?”

Both U.S. in unison: “No”
Buttons:
Oh yes there is, they have a sister
And she`s a stunner, believe me mister
From jealousy this grisly couple
Treat her, without any scruple
As an unpaid servant girl
But in this house she`s like a pearl
They`ve had her scrubbing floors all day
I`ll fetch her now. Don`t go away”

Exit Buttons.  Re-appears a few minutes later with Cinders, who is dressed in her normal rags and carries a bucket in one hand and a scrubbing brush in the other. Her face is smudged with dirt and she looks generally scruffy.
(NOTE â€" think up a bit of “business” between the sisters to fill the gap.  Ad-lib perhaps?)

Equerry looks distastefully at Cinders, but hands her the slipper at arms length
Cinderella:
“Ah, that slipper, gold and bright
Is the one I dropped last night
See I have the other here
I thought I`d lost this one so dear”
(raises her skirt to reveal that one foot is bare, and she is wearing the other slipper on the other foot.  She puts the slipper on to her bare foot)
“I didn`t want to leave the Ball-
The Prince so handsome and so tall â€"
But I had to take such sudden flight
To get back here before midnight”

Equerry to servant:
“Summon his Highness from his carriage
We`ve found his future partner in marriage”

Servant departs
Chorus:
“The Equerry has done his part
This will delight the Prince`s heart
And such a wedding there will be
Before a noble company
And there will be such song and laughter
And they`ll live happily ever after”

All look towards the door as the servant returns
with the Prince.  The Equerry takes Cinders by the hand and leads her forward.

The Prince takes one look at Cinders and says:

“I`m not marrying this little scrubber. But if you clean her up a bit she might do for a quick sh*g”

(Yes. I know. I just thought I`d make it a modern ending)

OO OO OOO OO OO ME ME ME ME ME
Baggsy I Being the Fairy Godmother.... Ive got a short part.  

Well its just above me fringe so I hope that counts.... can I wear a long frilly tutu y sort of frock, with lots of sparkle.  Promise Ill wear me elbow length leather palmed diamond studded gardening gloves and me patent leather, sling back wellies. ;D ;D

Mimi - you're a NUTTER but a nice one.   ::) You can always be relied on to make us smile.  :-* :-* The mental picture I have of you at the moment is unbelievable ........ patent leather, sling back wellies!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D


Eileen.

Yo Hugh

Nice one mate..

as you/yew can see I has been practising and I am torn between two lovers... soz not lovers ... trees  ;)


this is me (above) playing a tree in a fantasy play, and without sounding concieted... I thinks I done a well good job... and this is the tree (below) I thought I'd play in the panto.. spent ages in make up I did  ;D

my trouble iz... I iz a confectionist and like everything to be exact.. it isn't easy playing a tree, and many many many an actor just cant cut it.. like the actor in the picture below... he just hasn't got it and peeps in the audience kept shouting to him "your dead crap at playing trees.. wheres the tree master Ozzy?" anyways heres a picture of that dead dead dead crap tree actor... actor????? u decide..


Fairly obvious I thought, he made the classic mistake of thinking playing a tree was easy... how wrong is he???


and a babble alert albeit a thespian one

Ozzy/Ciaran

:-* :-* :-*

Errrrr Hugh, shouldn't Buttons in true panto style be played by a thigh slapping, tight tights wearing, woman? Or is that the prince? ;D

ABSOLUTELY brilliant, and very funny! Well done HUgh, you've done us proud again!

You`re absolutely right about the casting Doris - I was in rather a hurry.  Trouble is that I don`t know which of you dear ladies is a thigh slapping, tight tights wearing (excuse me while I put my tongue back in) young lady, who should definitely play the Prince.  I still think Ozzy should be Buttons (unless he objects) because his Tree part is so short.

Similarly, of course, I was also wrong regarding the two ugly sisters, who definitely must be male.  This would make casting very much easier since it will only be necessary to trawl through the variety of personal likenesses displayed in The Gallery. It will also avoid any potential embarrassment to the ladies.

Fortunately I`m only the author, and I leave all that to the Casting Director - any volunteers?

I would offer to wear the tights Hugh, but unfortunately may get mistaken for a pair of trunks from Ozzies tree!!!

I don't mind being the casting director.........what am I letting myself in for??!!!
All those in favour say aye, those against...........sorry you don't have a part in the play and you definately do not come to the wrap party! ;D  ;D  (oh and my couch is available , but only if in firemens uniform!!!)  DP

I'll volunteer to play Buttons. I'm young enough, but not blonde enough, to play Cinders. (I reckon Emma should play her!)

Oh look, Doris! There's a hunky fireman! HE'S BEHIND YOU!!! Oh no he isn't! Oh yes he is! Oh no -!  :P

Dear Doris

Could I please be the first bird to perch on Ozzy's branch ??

Yours desperately......

Magpie
x

Could I be the rear end of a pantomime horse, please Hugh?

Just letting you know Spurdle just in case the part u iz asking for is taken..... I'M THE TREE.. lol... all tree parts are taken... so dont go getting any ideas now, thats not saying that I doubt your abilities to play a Tree, cus for all I know u may be just a good a tree acting peep as I.. but, only fair to tell ya... I iz probbo most famous tree acting peep ever... bin in films and stuff I has, even done me own stunts.. only cus the stunt doubles were dead crap tree stunt acting peeps..  thats why they tend to do the lesser actors like Nicky Cage and Travolta  and the likes.. would love to find an actor/actress that could play the part of a tree as good as I can, cus then they could be me stunt double they could .. cus I hit me funny bone once when i got struck by lightening and uprooted and sucked into the sky by one of those twirly twisty wind thangs... mahn never  been in one of those  topedo thangs before.. but hey... anything for art  ;).. but,  it didn't half hurt, I can tell ya............... where wuz I? in the real world, thats where lol.. so there may or may NOT be a part for a stunt double... but u better be good, if u can cut it as an autumn leaf .. u iz brill.. and to blossom .. mahn iz why i iz a tree... and wtf.. serious babble alert but will hit post anyways

Ciaran/Ozzy

:-* :-* :-*

Look here, Ozzy!  >:( Don't get all uppity about your "starring" role!!! You'll be demanding a trailer and 20 bags of maltesers next! I merely applied for the post of "rear end of pantomime horse". I have no intention of shoving my rear end anywhere near your trunk, so you can stop worrying. As for your "importance" in the pantomime, you forget that all you'll be able to do is stand there and have hippies with straggly beards and scruffy jumpers gripping you up, or worse still all the dogs in the neighbourhood watering your roots. A pantomime horse could pull Cinderella's beautiful carriage in an elegant fashion, then perform a faultless round of show jumping to the accompanyment of "The Horse of the Year Show". I will then be able to much a polo, while you have muck spread around your feet. I think you're suffering from delusions of grandeur and ought to get a grip before you become another J-Lo. Yours un - luvvie like Spurdie.  :-*

Spurdle.. u can grovel all you like but I is still the tree  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D and u think being a tree is all about standing there?????? u ever watch Miami Vice??? well I was that tree that took the full brunt of an articulated lorry that came HURTLING down the hill at at least 98 mph and went CRASHING straight into me,,, but cus I iz a professional, .... I was able to absorb the impact by employing simple breathing exercise techniques... if this post just reaches one person who aspires to being a tree.. who just doen't realise the dangers of the work..then my job is done, cus it aint all glamour you know... reality check spurdle, bet u iz hoping for the rear end of a horse part now despite your grovelling LOl

Love ya MWAH MWAH MWAH wheres me mirror gone

Ozzy/Ciaran

:-* :-* :-*

PAH! You realise that you're not going to be one of those grand, stately old oaks. It's a panto and you'll be a Christmas tree! How many things are you going to stick out to hang a bauble off?!? I suppose you'll enjoy having a fairy on your head. I think I'll have my tail plaited with tartan ribbons entwined. My fetlocks will be brushed and I will stick my rump in the air with pride! Ha!

So you say Spurdle

Just answer one question for me.. go on go on.. dare ya dare ya lol..

just how many birds sit on a horses arse??? I get loads of bird nesting in me branches cus it comes with the territory... okay they may very well be imaginary birds... but that doesn't mean that they do not count??? oh no... imaginary birds have rights too.... like imaginary birds have just as much right to equality as both you nad I.. oh yes yes yes yes yes... dont forget imaginary birds pay imaginary VAT on femine hygene products too... is an injustice both real and imaginary.. and if u feels like breaking off one of me brances to make a placard that sez "down with womens tax" then u go right ahead lovely.. but if u wanna make a placard that sez " I love Jeremy beadle" then u can go sling your hook girl.. be none that here ....

and Spurdle... is fairly obvious to everyone by what u have typed that U is in fact after the part of Tree and your constant denials.. just proves my point even more.. take 10 deep breaths (but remember to breath out in between like,  health and safety.. health and safety) and just say to urself.. u will never be more than a horses arse... not that playing a horses arse isn't a worthy role.. but lets be fair.. is an easy option... if u really want to challenge your abilities as an Actress.. then.. trying playing the rear end of a sheep in the play "Under MIlk Wood" by Dlyan Thomas who is not to be confused with Thomas the Tank Engine... even though they is both Welsh....

am gonna send a memmo to Hugh,  Spurdle telling him if he ever catches u looking/leering/lusting at the bark.. then thats it.. I will jack it all in.. and there would you be????


babble multiplied by at least 2

Ozzy/ciaran

:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

That's it!  >:( You've lost it altogether! For god's sake get a grip man! You're only a tree! So what if birds sit on your branches ... they also s*it on your branches. I'd much rather have Clint Eastwood sit on my rump any day! (((droool!!!))) Frankie Dettori would be nice and light on my back and I would trot round merrily while he sings "I love horses, they're such lovely animals, I love horses, they're my friends!"  Or maybe the QUEEN would want me to carry here sedately around Sandringham. I can't recall the Queen wanting to climb a tree. But I suppose you would come in useful for her corgis.

I feel that I really must intervene in this unseemly dispute in the temporary absence of the casting director, who, I`m quite sure, will agree with me.

Spurdie, you may certainly be the rear end of a pantomime horse if you wish, but bear in mind that to do so you will have to spend the whole of Act 2 Scene 1 as the rear end of a rubber mouse until the Fairy Godmother transforms you.  The horses are not actually seen on stage, but you may make galloping hoof noises to your heart`s content.  However, you must take great care not to `drop` anything on the stage.

As for Ozzy, there is no question of his being a mere Christmas tree.  Ozzy is well known throughout the length and breadth of these boards as being the most accomplished impersonator of everything arboreal, from mighty oaks to giant brussels sprouts - indeed in last years pantomime he almost single-handedly represented the whole of Sherwood Forest, and I have no doubt that whatever tree he represents in Act 1 Scene 1 will be a tribute to his genius.

Harvey's just wispered in my ear that he would like a part in the panto too. :D ;D

Couldn't have put it bette meself Hugh.. you listening Spurdle???  :D :D :D :D

but once again I am seeing the same old chestnut,, not the tree but the axiom? (phew strange spelly wordy) so once more Spurdle gets the soft option.. the lesser option... the SAFE option... cus lets be fair.. is "oooh soooooooooo SAFE"  being the rear end of mouse... like how many mouses arses have anyone ever seen in a mouse trap???????????? ... com on.. com on... how may???? ANSWER... NONE.. but. ......  each and every single one of us has seen a tree that has been uprooted by  gales etc at one time or another .. (please note I iz not talking bowt gale from corrie) and how many trees have u seen struck by lightening??? LOADS thats how many.. and as for the number of cars/vans/LORRIES that have crashed into trees on set like... is oh so often.. am minded here of the tree I played in the film "Bridge over the river Kwai".. but cus i is a master of disguise.. was able to flamouflage meself as a high ranking japenese army officer, thus avoiding being chopped down by NAUGHTY NAUGHTY SPANKY peep with an axe........ professional thru and thru me.. but thats another story   ;) ;) ;)

0one more thing Hugh... Spurdle for once in her life  ;) does make a very valid point about the trailers and maltesers... but dont go thinking that u can drop from 46 packets of maltesers to a mere 20... amatuers Hugh.. can spot em a mile off m8...

Now you all heard now... NO VACANCIES FOR THE TREE...

am shaking my head at the number of times i feel COMPELLED to say this.. did Lawrence Olivier had to repeat himself so often?????? I think NOT..

going to my wardrobe/growroom now...

I need to be alone psml

Ozzy/Ciaran

:-* :-* :-*

Now look here! What use would 46 bags of maltesers be to a TREE???!!?? As the Director has cast me in TWO parts (ahem!) I feel I would be better suited to the "perks" of maltilicious sweeties. After all, it is a well known fact that mice LOVE chocolate (preferably not in mousetraps). I would also require a lovely silver horsebox, with chintzy curtains at its windows.
As for your insinuation that I am in some way incontinent, Mr Director, I wish to inform you that I am in full control of my faculties and should any "mess" appear on stage you should check for stray canines that have wandered in off the street in order to make use of the free toilet facilities ie. Ozzy's tree.

Spurdie, I am in awe  :o at your courage in taking on the role of horse's ar*se but fear you may not have thought this thru.
remember for every sticky-up rear there has to be a prancy horse's front - and it is vitally important that the person against whose b*m you will be pressed is wind and odour free to say the least!!  You would have to supervise that person's diet very very carefully (especially with the glut of sprouts in season) or else you could suffer dreadfully. :(

So I think you have to practise holding your breath, breathing with a clip on your nose (like thsoe swimmers) and if the worst comes to the worst and you even think the tree is laughing then have a quiet word with Harvey (he look a very understanding wee soul) and he will do his business right where it's not wanted!!  Or there may be a CAT in the show that jsut loves to sharpen its claws on bark - mine does!!

Love you both really!! :-* :-*

Hhmm ... I MIGHT need a snorkel ... have you got a spare one I can borrow, Wicker? I could attach a small saltire to the bit that sticks out through the costume (in this case, I fear it will have to be the most obvious orifice). Now ... I wonder who would go in the front half ... it would be rather fun if they wore a kilt, after all I would need to hold onto something to keep my balance when performing the conga!  8)

SEE Spurdle

told ya being the tree is the best part,, bet u get a right MR Farty Pants playing the oh sooo simple part of fronty horsey... but, me being a bit of an ologist could see straight through your rather cunning and devious plan...

you was hoping Hugh would say that the rear end of the horse was taken so you could lay on the hard luck story.. about having 10 kidz and your husband running of with the milk man, and that the bayliffs are knocking on your door.. plus the provident mafia are piling on the pressure with their really big heavy Parker ball point pens,, charging u extorionate rates of interest, and that you're  so so SO  run ragged. that your only solace from this misery comes in the form of cheap sherry and temazepam, and that if you could just play the part of the Tree, your dream of being spotted by a Talent Scout and whisked into the big pay days of Hollywood  may become a reality.... bin there, got the Tea Towel.... and it aint all glamour oh no no no no...  Envy Spurdle.. tis a terrible thing..  anyway good luck and "brealk a leg" in your role.. and I hope that the peep in front is a peep who can control his bowels..  a shudder went down me spine then Sprudle.. so hope Hugh will vet all the peeps who apply for the part of "fronty Horsey".. cus lets be fair?? could be very very very VERY  messy.. btw Spurdle... no dogs crap on my roots.... mahn how many more times do I have to say this..... I iz a professional Luvvy,  being the Pro that I am.. I ALWAYS make sure that "LIONS ROAR" pellets are scatterered all around me.. so I dont suffer with that problem, actually  :-*   Maybe u could ask the fronty horse peep if they wouldn't mind if u shoved a cork up thier arse?... If Dale Winton applies.. then u have no problem, except that he may DEMAND a bigger cork.. and make sure he understands that it is a CORK..      c.. o... R... k, and make sure u spell it out to him Spurdle,  cus Dale would prob think u meant somat else.. is tough world showbiz.. but theres no business like it... feel a song comming on now I does.....so best get it on me toes like, and scadaddle..

huge babble alert

Ozzy/Ciaran

wtf????


:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

Hmmm ... am not sure who would be most suitable for "front half of horsey" ... Must be someone who doesn't like baked beans, brussels sprouts or cabbages. Also not be too large around the hips (I might suffocate). Someone taller than me so I don't have to bend over too much - that rules out Tom Cruise. If I ended up with Graham Norton I fear I would be carried away in a straight-jacket after the performance ... I wonder if Billy Connelly would be available? I bet we'd have a right giggle under the costume, and his hair is rather mane-like anyway. Yes, it's Billy for me! (in my dreams!)  :D
Ozzy, you are turning into a proper Titchmarsh! I think it is YOU who is jealous of my part - I get to caper about at the side of the stage and make silly noises while you have to stand there like a - like a - a great lump of wood!  :P  It's a shame you have to spread one form of muck around in order to avoid the fresh kind!  ;D

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWeeeeeeee Spurdle PSML

is well obvious u dont know about the secrets of trees.. we iz bit like th magicians circle.. cept we dont take in the likes of Paul Daniels... is still fairly obvious spurdle that U would jump at the chance of being a tree... but u cant.. cuz i iz the tree so learn to live with it  ;) ;) ;)

Ozzy/Ciaran

:-* :-* :-*

Have you tried method acting for this role of "tree"? Go out and stand in the middle of a forest for a few days!  ;D
(I will phone the Findhorn Foundation to get some hippies round to hug you and keep you warm!  :-* :-* :-*)

 :o  Me poor little brain is reeling at the repartee!  Haven't laughed so much for ages!  At least now I know the merits and demerits of being a tree or a mouse/horse - that last bit doesn't really equate!

:D :D :D :D :D :D

Kate

Yep, pure dead brilliant patter!! But we all know that you two really lurv each other and I am sure that if you play your cards right Hugh will write a scene where you can share the stage together - after the poor old horsie (http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0QwAAAC8UsbbJawGT*gY2cJxCa0T5EYJBIlf5aUuYvXwRxul!rTrb3gzInVAV1JTQcWY33t4bFHpOOHhluTHdl0jRs6YG30dy4l5cRI*EBKE/horseflies.gif?dc=4675502023073204032)
nearly comes to a sad end but is given a home by a strong stately tree who provides him with shelter under his spreading branches. (http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SwD1Ag0W!USGbEs87OEr6j!AROmfhnrB2b!I*Yt8PvuOCPCkI3WJJ07csM30nWiXsSQXdIeAxfApm2gPGf0DgJWP6SlFIgO4DubZrcitp2Y2x1xO06ZxyQ/horse%20and%20tree.gif?dc=4675502022927254681)
Aaaah......

Yeah!  Would be nice Wicker but trouble is Spurdie ain't going to give in and Oz ain't going to play the gentleman!

Methinks this particular thread might almost upstage the Panto if we're not careful!


Indeed, Hugh could be slightly challenged on this score but, as always, I am sure he will come up with a solution!
:D :D :D

Ooops, could be right Muddy Boots - Apologies to all concerned  :-[   
Threads do ramble (I think that#s half the fun) but I am sure we never lose sight of the original concept.  Didn't seriously mean Hugh to write in such a scene - he would realise I am only joshing!! And in no way would it supercede Hugh's classic panto - whole thread made me laugh so I was joining in the fun.... ;D

Wicker, where did you get that photo of me under a tree???? Spooky! It was like looking into a mirror!  :o However, I didn't like the look of that particular tree ... it had a strange (ahem!) hole in its trunk, and its trousers had fallen down. In fact I am getting very worried about it, and may not infact get any sleep tonight for worrying about it!  :(

Wicker, no apologies needed!  All comments with tongue well in cheek!  Hugh, being Hugh, does many things well that the rest of us would give our eye teeth to have the vocabulary or talent for but, we can still add our bit! 

Hey, and lovely to see you again Hugh, missed you!

Omigod, Spurdie, wasn't Oz's tree was it?  There is an alternative, you could be a Handkerchief Tree!  Only trouble is, they only flower in May time, but very useful!

;)

Wicker is quite right.  Honour will clearly only be satisfied if Ozzy and Spurdie can have their own little cross-talk act on stage.  I therefore suggest that the following be added at the end of Act 1 Scene 1. (before the Tree leaves the stage)

The Scene remains as before. A horse enters from the left
Speaks:

“Ah, here`s a tree in this grassy patch
I`ll rub my itching flanks”

Tree:
“Blast. Here`s another come to scratch
And I`ll bet I`ll get no thanks”

Horse moves across stage towards tree â€" the rear end making a great display of it`s rounded fetlocks and fleshy rump.

Tree:
“Hey, be more careful you mangy steed
Watch where you put your boots
You`re getting closer than you need
And trampling on my ancient roots”

Horse:
“So what else is a tree good for
Apart from firewood
You`re just the thing to scratch my sore”
(Rubs vigorously against Tree)
“Oh my! That does feel good
And while I`m at it I do believe
(And trust me, I`m not joking)
My aching bladder I`ll relieve
And give those roots a soaking”

Tree:
I`ll not stand still and take such sauce
From such a swaybacked nag
I`ll show my displeasure with some force
That`ll make the old hack sag
We wise old oaks know a crafty wheeze
For dealing with unwelcome guests
We`re cleverer than the other trees
We know how to get rid of pests”

Horse:
“A swaybacked nag you dare to say
Well, I`ll soon show you that
You will live to rue the day.
Take that, and That, and That”
(deliveres 3 hearty kicks to the trunk of Tree)

Immediately Tree shakes violently, and a storm of acorns and dead branches crashes down onto Horse, which flees the stage in fright.

Loud mocking laughter from Tree.

Scene Ends

Hugh, what a talent!!  I'm grinning even wider now  ;D  Don't know what Spurdie looks like but from now on in my mind she will forever have "rounded fetlocks and fleshy rump" (what's the equivalent of fetlocks in human terms??)

yep sounds about right Hugh

As u can see Spurdle (as if u didnt know already) being the "Tree" is top part.. and just knew u was after me role.. so i am gonna have to be careful with u around  :-*  will  never except a cup of tea or a slice of cake from you till after the gig. cus u will probbo "micky fin" me PG Tips or mess with me Hash Brownies  ;D ;D ;D..

dont take it personal Spurdle cus I gets this every single year... but if its any solace to yuz... u are by far the craftiest tree role nicking peep thus far...

babbling

Ciaran/Ozzy

:-* :-* :-*

oh yeah.. I has a baddy cold and sore throat and cough... just wondering if u got anyone else to do ur dirty work for ya Spurdle? LOL..  :-* :-* :-*

Hugh, I bow to your genius!  :D Thank goodness I don't actually have to relieve myself on stage, although I was quite looking forward to rubbing myself against Ozzy!  ;) ;) ;)
Wicker, I am in a total huff with you re my rounded rump and fetlocks!  :(  My ankles are of normal size and I wear size 12 clothes!  :-X :-X :-X

Well, all good pantomimes end with the usual good wishes, so, as author, I wish all the cast and the audience a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and prosperous New Year.  May your crops thrive and your aphids wither.

CHEERIO!

Hugh

where have you vanished to m8??? can see u are no longer a member??????

really do hope everything is okay, would be great if u come back to us Hugh, you really do have a great command of the english language and your advice is always good advice... too much of an assett here u iz Hugh, but, if you feel you are unable to return here Hugh.. then I have to say.. that from back along.. you have always been a great craic and its been a big BIG privilege for me to be able to converse with you, all the best Hugh and hope to see you back here soon..

Respect

Ozzy/Ciaran

Must be the time of year Ciaran we’ve also lost Ross and Glyn, these things happen in three's so they say, shame as they were all good givers. :(