When my friend's grandchildren were born she embroidered a set of pictures for their bedrooms. The children are now young teenagers and naturally don't want nursery pictures on their walls any more.
My friend phoned my yesterday, she was very upset. Her son had thrown the pictures away at the tip. When he told her, she couldn't say anything to him because she didn't want to cry in front of him.
I feel upset for her and it's nothing to do with me. Are we just being over-sensitive? How would you feel if it happened to you?
I would be devastated.... it was very thoughtless of him... >:(
very thoughtless and insensitive. she should have told him how upsetting that was.
Yeh I used to have to put up with Nans stuff, stupid pullovers, daft pictures, home crafts. I would have done the same. Most of it would be rejected at charity shops so the tips the place to get rid of it.
I would not put my kids and grandchildren through a guilt trip.
The pullovers I could understand ACE but embroidery cross-stitch etc takes ages and shouldn't just be cast off ( no pun intended...) :-\
I'm sure it was upsetting for your friend, but I can understand the son's action. Personally I wouldn't have been upset. To have kept them for as long as he did was something.I'm sure your friend's grandson enjoyed them when he was small. Ace is right, not a good idea to send him on a guilt trip, not a lot he can do about it now anyway.
As we say in this house, move on. Make him a cover for his baccy tin. ;)
Really it was down to the son to keep anything special in a box for them for when they would mean a lot to them, once lost they can never be retreaved and x stitch does take a long time and a lot og love to do :(
My two-penn'orth
This was always going to be a divisive topic, those folk who think that we should hold on to childhood gifts, and those who have a clear-out of 'stuff' once in a while. Perhaps the chap should have saved them in the attic 'til the kids left home to set up their own places? I personally still have a few bits from my childhood (first cotton booties, gran's glass paperweight), but some folk don't have anything at all from their past in their house. each to their own, I say!!
A guilt trip is the last thing we should send anybody on, btw!! ;)
He didn't need to keep it, it is up to him whether they still held sentimental value. However he should have been discreet about it so that her feelings were protected.
My mother also did a 'nursery' cross stitch picture for the birth of my daughter. It stayed on the bedroom wall until my son was about 6, then he decided he was too grown up for it. It has been stored in the loft ever since, in case either of our kids want it for their future children, it would be a bit of family history for them in this throwaway society, so little will get handed down as there is little that is built to last! If they did not want it, then it would go to anyone that wanted it, I'm not very sentimental about stuff.
I don't think my mum noticed when it disappeared, but then I wouldn't tell her I'd taken it to the tip, that was pretty insensitive! Sign of the times though methinks, out with the old..... ::)
Quote from: flowerofshona2007 on November 10, 2009, 08:36:09
x stitch does take a long time and a lot og love to do :(
Are we talking about this junk
(http://static.flickr.com/112/308021248_eb4a522889_o.jpg)
Ain't I glad nobody loves me that much.
with that sort of attitude, no wonder no-one loves you that much!! ;) ;D ;D ;D
I can understand as a lot of work went into the making and also love.
People can do what they wish with these things but it was totally insensitive to tell her.
Over the years my mother gives me stuff that I have bought her saying I am having a clear out and you bought me this so I did not want to throw it out ??? ??? ???
She keeps giving me noggy pictures she has made..............3D type things and they go in the loft.
Now days I buy her garden stuff or vouchers.
Mothers ay LOL ;D
Taking them to the tip seems a bit extreme -if it can be reused I offer it to the kids then do freecycle or charity shops but then when you're busy sometimes the tip is the easiest option. No strangers coming to your house and no parking problems.
A bit insensitive - he presumably didn't realise how upset his mum would be. I find myself wondering how she found out? Did he tell her or did she ask? As far as I'm concerned once something is given it is no longer my concern - the new owner can do what they like with it.
My sister used to hang my dad's paintings when he visited and take them down when he left. That would be a step too far for me. If I don't like it or don't need it, it goes.
it would have upset me, i make a lot of things for family and friends and in reality i don't expect all of those things to be cherished or kept but there are a few things i have made over the years that i poured my love for that person into when i made it for them and so if they were just thrown out with the trash it would hurt, it would hurt a lot.
but i also know there are some friends not to make certain items for as i know they would not cherish it in the way i hope they would so i give them bog standard store bought tat! but with love of course ;).
my daughter threw all the toys Ray had made for her first son on the tip when she moved, now she wants him to do the same things for her second, he's made a garage, reluctantly, cost nearly 80.00 and 2 weeks work, the last one was used to stand on and paint, I'm not telling him that, he would be even more upset. :-\
I had piles of junk that were former present from parents, grandparents etc. Couldnt get rid of any of it as felt guilty.
That was until I found out that most years they took back the christmas pressies we bought them and exchanged / refunded them. Now whatever I buy them I make sure I remove the label so they cant ;D
I am sure I have fallen into both categories here the UPSET AND THE UPSETTER.
When I go shopping for gifts I think I always buy or make the best gifts in the world. The fact that I think my home made chilli jam would make a fantastic present doesn't mean that the receiver feels the same. Sometimes we speak before we think. In an ideal world maybe the son should have spoken to his mother about her gifts before he dumped them. I have learned from past experiences that once I have given someone a present it now belongs to them. They have a right to do with it what they wish. I am sure that your friends son and his children have had lots of pleasure out of those gifts over the years.
Duke :)
Reading all this has bought back to mind one episode I was a bit upset with.
When one of my kids had their first born we bought them the most beautiful crib.Obviously I had not made it but it was purchased with love and it cost a bomb.
Later I asked where it was and was told it had to be got rid of because of lack of space.
Yes I was hurt but I won't be doing that again in a hurry. :)
Ace NOT like that ! my uncle in Denmark did one that took 5 years to do an it was amazing !!! if you saw it you would not know it was x stitch !
Ok most are not very good but some are amazing like these..
(http://www.cross-stitching.com/galleryImages/My%20Family%20tree.jpg)
And this ..
(http://www.cross-stitching.com/galleryImages/Picture%20079.jpg)
I agree not everything that you get as a child can be kept, all i have is a very old doll, throw her out and you die !!!!!
Maybe it would have been kinder not to have said anything and hinted it was in the loft ?
I'm sure that if he had taken them to the charity shop someone would have loved them. When my Daughters children were small I used to make them dresses. One Christmas I sewed a label in saying" Lovingly made by Grandma"
When they outgrew them she gave them back to me as she didn't want to throw them away. I put them away and I still have them.Same with the rag doll I made them.They are now17 and 18 and when they come they see the ragdoll and say "I remember when you made us that Nan and have you still got the dresses"
I'm sure I'd be upset, and I think the son could have been more discreet, but what is done is done, and your friend needs to hold her head up high, and move on. Sometimes teenagers can be amazingly self-centered!
My mum made me a tapestry, it took her many hours and she had it framed. It's not what I would have chosen, but I knew it was made with love and also done at a time when she was very ill. And I know I will never throw it away, maybe 1 day I'll find the right place for it, but at the moment it's in the loft, which in my heart doesn't seem right....
I made an embroidered picture to mark my daughter's birth and also cross stitched alphabets and numbers for her nursery wall. At 14, she's been too old to want them in her bedroom for some time but she wants them kept as keepsakes.
It takes hours of time and skill to do intricate patterns and stitches and they shoulldn't be just dumped. Grandma should have been asked if she'd like to keep them herself. On the other hand, who's brought him up to be so insensitive?
In any case, he's obviously never seen how much good ones can fetch on the Antiques Roadshow and those come from a period when every girl did one. In our time it's a rarity and they should be treasured. Doesn't take that much space in an attic or loft and they make good family heirlooms.
a bit senseless and blinkered - why didnt he save them away somewhere for the future?
If she is looking for ways of coping with the upset then a sense of perspective is always useful - things can always be worse. Maybe have a word with his mother???
What a pity. Families really are complex at times.
The deed is done, and I bet the son didn't miss the look on his mother's face. Probably now wishing he hadn't said anything.
He sounds insensitive and ungrateful and disrespectful but how did he get like that?
He should have had the decency to ask his mum if she wanted to keep them. These things provide memories for the giver as well as the receiver and may well have become valued family heirlooms and reminders of grandma one day.
I did some for my daughter's birth - one embroiderd to mark her birth and others in fine cross stitch to decorate her nursery. At 14 she'd rather have posters on the walls now but she certainly didn't want them just chucked. They're safe in the attic for when she's older and maybe has her own babies.
Thanks everyone for the replies. It looks like most of you would have been upset too.
My friend is very good at embroidery so although I never saw what she made, I'm sure they would have been just as beautiful as the one in Flower's photo.
She had been to stay for a few days with her son and noticed that they were no longer on the wall in the boys' bedrooms. When she mentioned it to her son, he just told her straight out that he had taken them to the tip. I asked her why he didn't pretend he had saved them in the loft and she said that he never tells lies. I would have done. I couldn't hurt someone's feelings like that. But there again, he must be very insensitive to his mother's feelings not to realise that she would be upset.
The pictures had taken her many hours to make, which she did willingly and with love for her grandchildren. He even threw away the ones recording their births.
If he had taken them to a charity shop it wouldn't have been so bad. At least someone else could have enjoyed them.
I've still got some of my children's soft toys ('children' are aged 46, 44 and 36!) and their school exercise books.
I know my friend will get over it. Before this happened she was going to give her son some old family photos. She's changed her mind now and says that he can have them when she's dead.
Quote from: flowerofshona2007 on November 10, 2009, 10:40:29
I agree not everything that you get as a child can be kept, all i have is a very old doll, throw her out and you die !!!!!
Maybe it would have been kinder not to have said anything and hinted it was in the loft ?
Speaking as someone with Asperger's Syndrome.... I don't tell lies (it's too hard) and I don't notice other people's emothional states (or really consider them before doing things or talking).... lack of empathy can be useful sometimes (we don't really grieve) but equally it can be a PITA if we're dealing with Neurotypicals who expect it..... maybe he's got a trace of the Aspie in him, mine wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid-thirties, but I was always doing stuff like that ...... destroyed most of the photos (and the negatives) that were ever taken of me , I doubt wanyone in the family (inculding my mother) has more than a half-dozen....
chrisc
QuoteThe pictures had taken her many hours to make, which she did willingly and with love for her grandchildren. He even threw away the ones recording their births.
No, I'm sorry but destroying birth samplers is indefensible... (Historian in me coming out). Can see how it wouldn't matter to someone with Aspergers though.
:-X
I find Chriscross' take on this interesting, so thanks for sharing :)
Chriscross, thank you for posting, I have several people with AS in my family and I am glad to see you explain a different view.
Thanks
T.
I'm actually surprised that the teenagers didn't want them any more. My 3 kids (23,20 and 16) have all still got stuff they have had since babyhood that they won't let go of!
If I'd have made them, I would have been upset at the havng been sent to the tip. I am a bit (a lot!!!) of a hoarder.
I think that what she didn't know would not have hurt her. I do think perhaps the owner should have asked if the person who made them wanted them back or minded if they were given away to someone or sent to a charity shop. I would never throw anything good away, there is always someone who would like them.
I get rid of a lot more since I discovered Freecycle.
Yes I would be upset, but most things I recycle or bin, it is a joke in my house if you sit still too long, Nanny will recycle you. I recycle the packets from cooking and then forget the instructions. Many a time I have had to go through the bin and look for newspapers, magazines articles etc. I think I would say it served it purpose, but actually in this case I wouldn't have binned it would have saved it. Do feel a bit guilty about recycling all the birthday cards, mothers day cards, but can't keep everything. Actually Sunday is a good day for me as Monday is recycling, rubbish day. My memories are in my head, don't think it is worth getting upset about, he/she could have kept them for their children, but all my old books and toys have gone and don't suppose the grandchildren would be interested, they just want computer games.
thanks for the informative post chriscross 1966, it certainly helps put another perspective on things!! ;)
Quote from: chriscross1966 on November 10, 2009, 17:27:21
Speaking as someone with Asperger's Syndrome.... I don't tell lies (it's too hard)
chrisc
Thanks for posting this Chris, it certainly gives a different side of things. I don't know if he has AS, my friend has never mentioned it and I don't know him personally.
Well you can always rely on a good cross section of opinion on here thats for sure :)
Personally I would have been very upset. Such things are important family history and I would have had to tell the person how wrong they were to do that. I amnot a hoarder but how much room would something like that take up for goodness sake? He could at least have offered them back to your friend to keep. My daughter would never want something like that thrown away but I have brought her up to respect and appreciate the efforts of others.
Lushy x
I don't know what to think about just taking them down and taking them to the tip.
When we downsized a few years ago I put a lot of things in boxes and asked the family to take what they wanted. I said there would not be enough room for all the mementos and photos in frames in the new place, but this was just a way of getting rid of them. For too long I had to have things round the house, and dust and clean them that I did not like. . A lot of things were not to my taste and I like a clean uncluttered look. So if someone spent hours doing a crosstich picture, I would not know where to hang it. So the other side of the coin is "It was your choice to do it". Perhaps you should have said you expected them to be saved and you would be willing to store them.
I have friends who croon over samplers etc. and while I can admire the work that has gone into them I would not hang them on my walls. Sorry no offence.
Having thought about this one for a while my conclusion is.. the joy for me is in the making and the giving so I wouldn't be upset if my gift was disposed of later as it is sometimes impossible to keep everything and I understand that, however I do agree that good taste would be to think a little about the giver and be discreet about the gifts departure.
XX Jeannine
Really interesting replies, thanks everyone.
I wonder if part of my friend's sadness is the thought that things she made with such love for her grandchildren have been discarded, and therefore her love for them has been discarded too?
It's just a thought.