I knew that this day was bound to come eventually. Me Mom is going into a residential home for the elderly this morning. I realised when Tony was poorly a short while ago and I couldn't manage the two of them that I was getting to the end of me tether. If I were younger I would have just taken it in my stride, I have mixed feelings this morning. One part of me is feeling guilty (I knew I would) and the other part is looking forward to Tony and me having a bit of time to ouselves. We have chosen a nice place for her just a few miles away so will be able to go and see her. It will be nice just to sit with her and have a chat and a cup of tea without the added responsibilities of her in the back of my mind. Well must go and get her up and ready for the last time, and will probably have to remind her of where she's going. Think of me today will you.
My heart goes out to you today Shirlton, stay strong, it is the best you can possibley do for your Mum.
Remember that when the 'guilt monster' comes to call.
I am facing this too in the next couple of years as my Mum has dementia :( :'(
You mustn't feel guilty (although you will, of course - that's natural). You've done your best and a residential home will now cope better than you would be able to.
I was my mother's carer for over ten years, although she lived on her own. But as she became increasingly frail it became an uphill struggle. She could barely walk, was increasingly blind & deaf and had dementia. She had falls, locked herself in & out of the house, flooded it and nearly set fire to it. I never knew what I would find when I went there, and never knew when I was going to be phoned by neighbours or Meals on Wheels because a disaster had happened. The so-called Home Care package put in by the local authority was a disgrace and caused me more hassle than looking after my mother did! She was 96 before she finally went into care and - as the doctor explained - it was as much for my health & welfare as hers.
You've obviously been lucky or wise enough to find residential care for your Mum before things got to that stage. At least you can both find some pleasure (and relief) in the new arrangements.
So, no regrets. You've done your bit - someone else's turn now.
Morning Shirl, bless your heart, don`t feel guilty you have done your best & you cannot cope forever, your Mum , will be very well looked after.
You & Tony will be able to enjoy some time together. ENJOY.
Regards Rosebud. :-*
These posters have said it all, you mustn't feel guilty, you have done your best but your Mum has got to the stage where she needs so much care it is too much at home.
If it was me I wouldn't want to be a burden on my children and would prefer to be in a nursing home, so I think you are doing the right thing.
You will be able to go and sit with her and enjoy being with her which will give you happy memories.
I know I would feel the same as you in your position and today will be the hardest day but in the long run it will be best for you all. You will be able to spend more time with your grandchildren too. :)
Thinking of you.
T.
Hi, Shirley, I've cared for 3 people until they passed on, I never want that burden for my own kids and will willingly go into a care home if necessary, You and your mum will both benefit from it, you will be able to spend much more quality time (sounds twee but it's true).
I've felt resentful, still feel guilty about it, as my life was on hold..I won't go into other feelings, still feel guilty about them,
you and tony look after yourselves, your time together is precious, your mum will be on holiday, m x
Hi Shirl, the others have summed it up, you have given your Mom loads of quality time in looking after her and the move will be for the best you'll see that in time, I watched my Mum try and cope it was just too much, so I went round homes with her and some weren't great, well she's not going there I would tell her, we found a nice one in the end and it took a great weight off her shoulders, I know it was her Mum and its hard to let go but I know it would have made her ill, she doesn't drive so it was all cabs and buses. As the others have said a bit of time for you and Tone now, how is the old boy anyway, all the best Kev. :-* ;D ;D ;D
please dont beat yourself up about this, as a nurse i dont know how people manage providing 24 / 7 care for someone twelve hours is tiring and that is without the emotional involvement. as manics mentioned you will be able to relax and enjoy each others company again and who is to say she wouldnt actually prefer it, i know many people who find it difficult to accept care from their children. having the stress removed will mean you have more energy, probably more time and certainly more to talk about
relax and remember all that you have already done for which i am certain mum is eternally gratefull
If it's any help Shirl, when my Ma went into a home, after a while she quite enjoyed it. There was always someone to chat to if she felt like it and she could be on her own too.She befriended all the right people, Chef etc. and my visits were always enjoyable to both of us after 5 very stressful years of not knowing what I would find behind the door.
I expect she can take favourite bits and pieces, and she knows she will see you regularly.
Chin up gal. xx
Thankyou so much for all of the encouraging messages. They have really helped. It will take time I know to get used to it being just me and Tone. Seems strange that she's not in the other room watching the tele. She has gone into a lovely home. Nothing flash but the atmosphere is so nice for her. Thankyou all again
Just to say God bless you and your mother.
Hi, I have been thinking of you today, it must be very strange without your Mum there, can you do something special, just nip out for a drink or a walk or something else that you haven't been able to do so that you are not at home missing Mum. You will get used to it in time. It must be like when the kids leave home all over again.
Take care
T.
Tulipa you have hit the nail on the head. It really is like when the kids leave home. You are so happy to have more time to yourselves and really looking forward to the time when they will make their own way in the world and yet when they go you just seem lost. I know I have done the right thing but its gonna take some getting used to. Pity the weathers grotty or we would have been up the lottie diggin away and although bluddy exhausted I would have dug me way out of the doldrums.
Yes, digging is my way out of things too - sorts everything out! We will have to hope for better weather... ;)
T.
Shirl. Just want to wish you and Tone all the best, enjoy your time together. Sounds like you have chosen a nice home for your Mum. My Mum spent the last 5 years of her life in a care home, she was happy there. She always said the other residents were in tune with her as they were all around her age. Admitted she was fortunate that 2 of my sisters worked in the home but she never regretted being there.
Take care of yourselves.
I feel for you Shirl. It's not easy making the decision to put your mum in a home. I can only speak having visited my gran when she went into a home, which she had always said she didn't want to do. Well, at first she used to complain every week when I visited, but after about 6 weeks she stopped and after a year she completely invented a story that she had seen the home when visiting my parents years back and had chosen it herself because it was so nice!
So what I am saying is hold in there ... hopefully she will settle and you will have many happy years to come visiting her and her friends in her new home, knowing she is secure and looked after.
Thinking of you.
Just caught up with this Shirl and the others have said all I'd want to.
love Lish x