A challenge has been set on another thread for the corniest joke.
I have started this thread , so the pain can be confined to one area ;D
Feel free to join in, and add a groanometer reading from 1 - 1-, 10 being the worse, if you would like.
May the worst joke win!!
Here's an awful, old one to get you started.....
Q. What do you give a sick parrot?
A. Tweetment ;D
cj :)
8 groans out of 10 for that joke! ;D
And on a related note, why can't you find any headache tablets in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all!!!
(Boom, boom - got to score a high mark on the groan-o-meter, that one ;D )
drat, I was going to say that!
And another one (my favourite).
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
(Waits to hear dropping of pennies ;) )
Denbee that's definitely an 8 on the groanometer! That was terrible......
Man walks into a bar................
.................................................
................................................
OUCH!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
Definately a lot of 8 scores there. I think I may give an 8.5 for the perch one, as it is very clever. Took me a while ??? ;D
Keep up the good work ;D ;D ;D
cj :)
two cannibals eating a clown
one says to the other -does this taste funny to you?
Two snowmen , one says to the other 'can you smell carrots?'
oooooh, that was sooo bad I give it 8.5 ;D
cj :)
Two nuns driving down the motorway, all of a sudden a vampire appears in front of their car.....the nuns screech to a halt and the one nun says to the other "Quick, show him your cross", out gets the other nun shouting "I'M VERY CROSS WITH YOU!!!"
;D
Two buckets of sick were walking down the road, one said to the other. "This is where I was brought up" :D
- what did the Irishman call his pet zebra?
- Spot
2 packets of crisps were offered a lift. They said "No thanks, we're Walkers"
Why did a man have a fried egg on his head
Because the hard boiled one kept rolling off....
How does a monkey make toast ?
By putting his bread under a gorilla,
Why did the dyslexic end up in a brothel?
He followed signs to the Warehouse ::)
Wow, my cornyjokeometer is going off the scale ;D ;D ;D
Keep 'em coming. They are great.
cj :)
Patient : Doctor, Doctor. I feel like everyone is ignoring me!
Doctor : Next!
;D
A man had to have urgent treatment after a pencil punctured his lung.
Afterwards he said I could not draw breath :)
And I have finally got the parrot and fish joke ;D
Two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says - do you have any idea how to drive this thing?...
Why are pirates called pirates? - because they aaarrrrgggghhhh..
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? - he sold his soul to Santa..
Why did the lepper fail his driving test? - he left his foot on the clutch..
And almost forgot! - what happened to the constipated mathemetician? - how worked it out with a pencil...
sorry, awful I know ;D
A man went to a fortune teller and said id like my palm read
so she hit it with a hammer....
Quote from: sheddie on March 27, 2008, 22:07:42
Why are pirates called pirates? - because they aaarrrrgggghhhh..
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? - he sold his soul to Santa..
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;DThey get my vote............... ;D ;D ;D
Where does a whale go to get weighed?
To the whale weigh station 8) 8) 8)
ow - that almost hurt!
- I rang up a local builder the other day and said - I want a skip outside my house - he said, well - I'm not stopping you...
- someone complimented me on my driving today - They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine'....
A man walked into the doctors and said - I've hurt my arm in several places - the doctor said, well don't go to those places...
What do you call an exciting mushroom? - a fun-gi to be with...
they get worse... ;D
This is such fun ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I think I may have strained my gigglethalmus ;D ;D
cj :)
One that's been done before ...
You can take horticulture, but you cant make her appreciate it
Whats the difference between a rifle with a bent barrell and a constipated owl,
one can shoot but can't hit and the other..........................
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A man opened a pub on the Moon but he came back because there was no atmosphere.
One for the watershed ;)
What's the differance between an acrobat and the folies bergere?
One's a cunning display of stunts.................................. ;D ;D ;D :-X
Why do people laugh when they walk into a field of wheat?
It`s a corny joke
what do you call a Frenchman wearing beach sandals?
Phillipe Flop
So RT, what if he has two left feet?
Quote from: markfield rover on March 28, 2008, 15:41:10
So RT, what if he has two left feet?
then he's Kevin Keegan's new striker
Walked into that one -very good.
Two blonde women walked into a bar...
You'd have thought one of them would have seen it.
I used to be a parrot but I'm alright now.
I used to be a parrot but I'm alright now.
I used to be a parrot but I'm alright now.
I used to be a parrot but I'm alright now.
I used to be a parrot but I'm alright now.
What do you call a girl standing between two posts?
Annette.
What do you call a girl with a radiator on her back?
Anita.
What do you call Englands new manager?
Call him anything, he won't understand you!
Another for the watershed.
What's the difference between a pregnant women and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
King Wenceslas goes into Pizzahut, and the waiter says - The usual?, and King Wenceslas says - Yes please, Deep-pan, crisp and even.
Like that one rhubarb ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion ;D
cj :)
whats the difference between a tractor and a girraffe ?
ones got hydraulics the others got high B****cks
man went into a pub and ordered ten pints of beer, as fast as the bar man was pulling the pints the man was drinking them. wow said that the bar man, youd drink this fast if you had what i have said the man
what have you got said the barman
50pence said the man ;D
wot do you call a room wiv no doors or windows........................................................a mushroom (my granddaughters fav joke)
An Englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar. The Barman says - what is this, some kind of joke?
a young woman goes to the doctor to ask him about the facts of life as she is getting married at the weekend.she says she has seen her husband to be naked whilst he was showering and as she has been saving herself has a few questions about his anatomy. Firstly she says she has seen his pink thing and the doctor tells her that that is his "Shaft".secondly she says it has a purple tip and what is that called.The doctor tells her that is his "thingy end" .then she says he has two round things about 2ft from his thingy end and the doctor says for your sake i hope they are the cheeks of his bum
what do you call a man with a sea gull on his head?
cliff
a irishmen ,scotmen and english men walk in to a bar .the barman said
whats this some sort of joke?
a terrible car accident occoured up the road the other week. a man hit head head on with a tree he lost his left leg and his left arm but hes all right now.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her ;D
She was only an astronomers daughter.
But she was'n half a meteor.
I see that Swampy the Eco- Friendly tosser recently had an heart attack but declined the by-pass,
A man visits a psychiatrist and when asked his problem says,
"After I have said something, I can't remember what it is that I have been talking about."
Psychiatrist "How long has this been going on for?"
Man "How long has what been going on for?"
I have a rude one but can't put it in here as this thread isn't in the Watershed. :( :(
go on, you know you want to :P :P :P ;D ;)
Apologies for any joke already on here :)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
A dog goes onto a building site, walks up to the foreman and says - Hello mate, any jobs going?
The foreman says - Blimey, a talking dog! We haven't got any jobs at the moment. Have you thought of going to a Circus?
The dog says - don't be stupid. What would a circus want with a bricklayer?
what is white and swings through the jungle?
An Orangufridge.
;) ;D :o ;) ;D :o Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :o
;D :o 8) ::) ;D there were 3 engineers....
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
:-X :o ::) ;D ;D :D ;) ;D
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Whats the difference between a great white whale and a small grey whale?
Size and colour.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You dont, you get down from a duck.
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? - a stick.
How do you catch a squirrel? - Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head? - Mandy Lifeboats.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.
And how long has this been going on?
Oh, ever since I was a kid.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
Just sit there and I'll deal with you in a minute.
Whats green and sings? - Elvis Parsley
Teacher to Pupil: What do you get if you divide 2365 by 37?
Pupil: The wrong answer, I expect, Miss.
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
What's thick and black and comes out of the ground and shouts 'Knickers!'? - Crude oil.
What's thick and black and comes out of the ground and shouts 'Underwear!'? - Refined oil.
First cannibal: What are you cooking for dinner?
Second cannibal: Shut up and get back in the oven.
Any fisher-persons out there ?
Can you name three fish that start and end with the letter "K"?
1. Killer shark ...
2. Kwik Save frozen haddock ...
3. Kilmarnock.
(Its the name of a plaice in Scotland)
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
Wooly jumpers
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?
Big holes in the skirting board! ::)
Another old one --
what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper!
A little boy asks his mum one day "Mum why do brides wear white?"
"Well son", says his mum, "it's to show to the world how good and kind and pure the bride is".
Not satisfied with this answer, the little boy goes to ask his dad, who replies - "Son, all kitchen appliances come in white."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D