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You all know some really hilarious tales that get brought out on family gatherings. the one about Uncle Arthers dodgy car or Grans new false teeth.

We have had a lot of doom and gloom recently so come on tell us your tales, we all need a really good laugh.

I will start  you off with the story about my son's spider

He had had his own place for some time but due to reconstuction on his house he asked to come and stay at home for a while, I said yes of course like you do, but no to his snakes and his pet Tarantula. No probs he said his friend was going to look after them. I knew he was lying because his friend liked the snakes but had a phobia about spiders which my son had forgotten I knew. So he moved in. I repeated my comment about the spider and he brushed it off with a wave saying no way he wasn't going to bring it to my house.

So what would you do?   Of course and so did I. I looked in the room, and sure enough tucked away where he thought I wouldn't see it was a small aquarium with his spider in. Oh , it happened to be March by the way.

I bided my time... April 1st came around .

While he was out one day I snook in and tipped the aquarium  so that the spider fell into a 2 gallon glass jar, pre prepared with holes in the lid, which I put in my bedroom.

In comes my son, goes into his room, I followed him in,  he saw the aquarium lid had been moved and started to stutter. I never said a word, just gave him a look. He then said " Ok Mum, I lied, I did bring it home because it wasn't very well, but it died this morning"... Mmm I said, "show me the body". Of course he couldn't, he even went so far as to say he had flushed it down the the loo.

He then went all round the house looking very flustered, trying very hard not to, I still didn't say a word.

Eventually after a few hours, I put him put of his misery, and showed him where it was.


It was very funny watching him that day though, he was scared to death I would find it walking around and was trying to find it  before it found me.

Serve him right for lying to his mother.

April fool son !!!

XX Jeannine

WOOHOO!  ;D What a great idea for a thread  ;D Must have missed it before!

I can contribute to this on a regular basis 8) I seem to attract 'daftness'!

TODAY: Went to the Co-Op as usual to get dog/cat/Trixie food.

On the way out I met the mum of a very hysterical 3yr old who obviously didn't want to go shopping. He attached himself to my shopping bag and wouldn't let go.

A very tense few minutes followed, during which the poor mom tried to coax him out of my basket, let go of me skirt and generally persuade him that 'inside the Co-Op it is very nice and the nice lady already has 2 children and doesn't want any more'

And on the way BACK from the Co-Op I encountered a couple of geezers at the end of the road that were cutting up a brand-new living-room carpet IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!

"AHEM! Do I drive over it or are you going to move it?"

They moved it eventually. But it took about 10 minutes.

My aunt (90) knows everything and has forgotten nothing.

On a recent visit we were looking at some family photographs from WWI.  One showed a relative with his wife and son â€" a poignant picture, as he was later killed and the little boy died too.

Aunt:  “She had another little boy, you know.”
Me:  “Oh, that’s nice.  I’m glad to hear that.”
Aunt:  “She never married again, though.  She had a Lodger.”

A picture of another relly:

Aunt:  “Uncle ***** never married, you know……”
(I thought I knew what was coming here, but - )
“But he used to Look After all the widows in the village.”

Priceless.

During miners strike my sister and hubby were avoiding paying the milkman by hiding behind the settee. There 4 year old son spotted them went over to the settee saying come on whats up its only milkman. I'd have loved to see there faces when they come out. Jeannine thats a beauty

PRICELESS GREYHOUND  ;D

My late Gran had a bit of difficulty adjusting to the fact that me cousin Jayne married an Indian Glaswegian called Naresh.

She was 89 when cousin Jayne introduced her fiancee. She phoned me ....

"Your cousin Jayne is marrying a very nice young man. He's called Hashish"

Don't know where she got that from ... maybe the Women's Institute?

This one is a bit rude and actually happened to me but of course I told somebody so it come out a family stuff.

My phone line was broken, so I got in contact with the company who said they would send someone the next day, I told them to knock hard as I would be in bed after night duty. The man who came was only given the fact that I was in bed,not why.

He came and I looked for my dressing gown which was not there, so still very sleepy I grabbed the dress I had on the previous day , pulled it over my head and ran down stairs.

I invited him in, he looked a bit nervous, any way I asked him if he wanted tea, coffee,which he refused, I put my hand on my hips and jokingly told him he was different to most other repair men I had met and added " can I give you anything,"he finished the job very quickly, never made eye contact and took off.

It was only after he had gone that I realised the slim fitting dress I had on with nothing on underneath which was button through had all the  buttons below the waist undone.

I never lived this down XX Jeannine

OH jeannine i am peeing myself with laughter here  ;D :o

I could feel myself blushing for you Jeannine. That horrible after-the-event feeling of dreadful embarrasssment. :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[

Some years ago my mum admired my specs which changed to 'sunglasses' when the sun shone.

'They're called 'reactolite', I told her - carefully pronouncing the word 'react-to-light' so she wouldn't get it wrong.

A few days later she phoned saying, 'I've been everywhere looking for glasses like yours and no one's ever heard of radioactive glasses.'

I would love to have seen the expressions on the faces of the people she asked.

I have a very deep voice and when I make telephone calls I am often addressed as Sir. Years ago I needed to get in touch with my husband urgently who was delivering to a London veg market. I rang the company concerned and asked if our lorry had arrived, he was very helpful and I said "Thank you sweetheart (or some such endearment) he answered,, Oy, Oy that's enough of that. I had to explain that I was female and needed to speak to my husband!!
There are a couple of A4A members who will confirm I do have a deep voice :)
Lorna

My son had a bad speech problem when he was young. One day we were walking through town when he loudly announced his bum was hurting. I told him not to worry , I would check it out later. He said it again, even louder this time. People were looking at us, so I told him to wait till later. He shouted it out the third time, and I told him he shouldnt talk about his bum in public.

He said, 'No, not my bum bum, my binger bum!'

Translation, 'My finger, thumb!'

cj :)

I have always tried to teach the lads to be indipendent and if they wanted some thing doing they did it themselves.
The middle lad decides he is going to have a go at ironing his shirt, with everthing set up he asks where is the reverse on the iron, i told him we did not have a posh iron with reverse on so phone Aunty Margaret se if she has one. After phoning her asking if they had an iron with reverse on and told no, he was asked why do you want an iron with reverse on, he replied its says on the label iron on reverse.

I remember my son making a toasted sandwich in one of those machines, he put the bread and filling in closed the lid, turned it on and watched, after a couple of minutes he turned the machine over,I asked what he was doing and he expalined he was toasting the other side!! He is  a fairly well know chef now by the way !!

My mum is a great cook expecially for dinner parties and can cook up a banquet.. .however, quick meals are not her forte.

Once she cooked pizza's with the plastic still on - we were wondering what the burned bits all over were... I jokingly said 'you didnt leave the plastic on did you'... 'What? Are you supposed to take it off??' she replied.

Another time she was making cheese on toast for us all... you know the sliced cheese with paper in between each slice??? Yup, between the toast and the cheese was a waxy chewy paper.

My eldest daughter sucked her thumb for years. I was speaking to my neighbour, lovely lady, church goer, wouldn't dream of even saying d**n. I was saying I wish Vickie would stop sucking her thumb, for some reason I reversed the first letter of sucking and the th of thumb. Was my face red. LOL

OMG I have had such a laugh at these. do you know. all sorts of wierd things happen to me and right now I can't think of any. I may be back.....

 ;D ;D ;D ;D Too many goodies for a fav but i do like your dress one Jeannine!
I have loads of personally embarrassing ones because i just seem to do that sort of stuff.
When I had first baby i was running a pub and one night came down for my night shift with a huge streak of baby sick down my back, I have split my trousers and done a shift with my trouser zip open.

Pre baby when bikinis were still approved gear I had bought a new one and when i heard OH coming home bounced out of the bedroom in it shouting DAH DAAAAH! to find no OH but his two workmates in the lounge.  :-[ :-[ :-[

There are so many more and that's without including all the stuff the kids have done to me!!

My friend's sister was invited to meet her fiance's family who are very well to do.  She needed a couple of snifters in the boozarium before she went to dinner.  On arrival she was served a couple of dry martinis and felt a bit woobly so she couldn't find the downstairs loo, instead found a cloakroom with a basin.  She sat on the basin to have a pee, the sink came away from the wall and she knocked herself out on the doorjamb.  She came around in hospital after the family broke the door down and found her.

It took a couple of months before she could bring herself to go to her (imminently) new inlaws house again, but she plucked up courage and soldiered around there earlier this week.

She went straight into the drawing room and sat down - killing the pet pekinese instantly.

The wedding is still planned for Saturday.

My friend was getting married to a Vicar's son, so their local Bishop had agreed to do the ceremony. They went for a formal dinner with the Bishop and his wife a month or so before the ceremony to meet them and discuss details etc. My friend does not usually drink, and the slightly deaf Bishop presented her with a large Gin and Tonic after she had requested "just a tonic please"...(you can guess where this is heading....)

Not wishing to be impolite, she continued to sip her drink, and gradually got tipsier....the first course finished without incident, with her drink constantly topped up by the hospitable Bishop. She then realised the next course being prepared was fish, to which she is allergic. The Bishop's wife was unfazed, and went back into the kitchen to rustle up an alternative dish for her, meanwhile my friend started discussing work (she is also a midwife), and was beginning to embarrass her fiance moaning about the bl**dy NHS etc.

Bishop's wife returns with dishes of veg etc, which my friend grabs and starts helping herself to a large portion of each. Stunned silence............my friend realises something is up and says indignantly "What?"...........the Bishop's wife replies;"Perhaps you would like to have a plate first?"..................... ;D ;D ;D ;D

They did end up getting married, but were divorced a couple of years later...... :-\

Really funny stories! I am still crying at Lorna's " Oy, Oy that's enough of that."

One year when I was a kid, the family were driving back to Newcastle after a stay with my Gran in Portsmouth. Long journey as you'll know. Frequent stops for the loo. Anyway at one stop my mother and I had to dive into a public toilet. We stood for a short while waiting for the toilets to vacate and then mum went in one and I went into the other.

Soon there was the very loud urgent gushing sound of someone who had obviously been in great need of a pee.

Me very loudly,"Blimey Mum you must've been dyyyyying !  Niagra falls hasn't got a look in. Sounds like a horse Hahahaha! "

Mum's tiny voice smothering a snigger replies..."It's not me!"

This didn't happen to me but I became involved as you will see.

It was in the sixties.

In a ladies public loo in a shop  one day my friend and I heard a commotion coming from a cubicle, puffing and panting and groaning, with things hittng the door,it sounded as though there were 2 people in there and they were not having a wee wee.

Of course we hung around and listened.

Eventually the noise stopped,silence for a moment then crying,then sobbing, then really crying.

At this point we knocked on the door and shouted "are you Ok"

A lady said I am stuck,

To cut part of the story down, she was stuck in a way that she couldn't reach the door that was locked.

We got help, which was the department store caretaker,he tried to get under the door but the lady was in the way,really crying for help now,they couldn't open it from the outside as she was right behind it somehow but could not reach the lock,so a decision was made  break the door which they did.At this point she was hysterical.

The door was lifted away in pieces and the lady lifted outed by the caretaaker and another man!!!

The problem was this...............

She had on a pull on rubber pantie girdle,corset here I think, does anyone remember these, they really were made of rubber, not cotton covered elastic, but real rubber with  little holes all over .I had one and you had to put talc on your body as they were a devil to get on(no zips or fasteners). Hers was a high rise one with long legs . Anyway she had managed to pull it down to her knees and it had tightened on her sweaty skin, so she couldn't pull it up and it was tightening round her, the more she pulled the hotter she got, and in the end she fell over and was helpless,her hands were furthest from the lock and her locked legs and body were against the door.

I don't think I have ever seen anyone so embarrassed as that rather portly lady, the men left and two ladies came in to help, they literally had to cut it off, and through all this her trousers  were still down and her sizeable bum rather prominent.

My friend and I didn't laugh of course as it was tragic, well not till we got in the car!!!!

I might add I never wore mine again!!

XX Jeannine

Oh my! the poor soul! the tears are rolling down my cheeks from laughing. So funny Jeannine but how awful for the poor woman.

This happened to me when I'd got all the kids little. I was going shopping with the pram and one perched on the seat when I happened to look down at my feet, I had one brown shoe and one black. That busy that I hadn't even noticed. Another time when I worked at the local supermarket I used to put my overall on over an underskirt. At the end of the shift I put my skirt on and it was only when I had passed the senior school on my way home that I noticed that my underskirt was outside of my skirt. I don't suppose if I did it today anyone would bat an eyelid

When I was a teenager, I was stood waiting for the bus to take me to work. A woman came walking along the road with a large dog on a lead. As she walked past, the dog cocked it's leg up and weed all down my leg.  the woman just seemed to pause with the dog as though I was a lampost and just walked off without a word. I was mortified. My tights were dark tan and the wet was so obvious. I got on the bus and it looked as though I had wety myself. I dashed to work right through town with my wet leg and red face and had to get a thotough wash. I've gone red just writing this. ;D

I remember an evening down the pub one summer many years ago. I got trapped in a corner of the beer garden with a very nice young man who was telling me everything I'd ever need to know about something â€" can't remember what, sheep farming in New Zealand rings a vague bell. I finally managed to escape to the bar, and when I came back everyone had moved to a free table so I headed over to it and joined them. I sat down at the end of the table opposite S who had brought the friend who'd cornered me and asked him where his boring friend had gone. complete silence as S replied "he's sitting at the other end of the table"... I hadn't noticed him at all and was absolutely mortified, and not nearly drunk enough to joke my way out of it :-[ :-[ :-[ it took a very long time to live that one down!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D All of you! So funny. Norfolklass - that is exactly the sort of thing i do all the time. :-[ ::)

I once got on a bus,paid my busfare and kind've ran quickly to get to the stairs to go up, only I didn't see the step,tripped over went flying forward as the bus moved off,landed on an old man with a broken leg with my face right in his..erm... lap !   :-[ :-[ :o :-[

I hesitate to post this as I still wince when I think about it....

In 1984 I visited Poland with a fellow student, staying with friends. It was our first visit, we had a great time, but we were slightly surprised to be mistaken for being either German or American by the locals, very few of whom spoke any English at all and could not place our accents.

After three weeks there we went on a train journey to the mountains, and settled ourselves in an empty 6 seated carriage car. We sat next to each other, and during the journey a woman in her twenties came in and sat down opposite us, and started to read. We said hello, she nodded politely and showed no sign of understanding a word we said.

My friend and I carried on chatting, and then started to notice an awful cheesy foot smell, the woman opposite had removed her shoes.....it got really bad, and then she propped her unshod feet up on the seat between the two of us! The smell was overpowering, and my friend and I got less and less inhibited in our comments about it, none of which the woman reacted to in the slightest.

We suffered and moaned for about another hour, then just as we stood up to leave (still grumbling) I noticed the woman had been reading an English book.................I dragged my mate into the corridor and we collapsed in giggles, the woman in the carriage turned and gave us the filthiest of looks!

One good thing did come of it though, some Russian sailors were getting off at the same stop as us, noticed us giggling and came over and introduced themselves, and very charming they were too....but that is another story!!!! ;D

I too have a few this one is true and i sent it in to one of the ladies weekly magazines recently. my dad was getting really p****d off by the neighbours who kept parking and blocking his drive. visitors came to my mum and dads one day and my dad was telling them about the posh neighbours who were so stuck up they even had their house decorated by ann summers (he meant laura ashley).

when i was a student nurse i had a placement on a vascular ward, i was looking after a very sexy young man who had just undergone an angiogram which left him with a wound in his groin. i had to check the would regularly to ensure it wasnt bleeding, i went up to him and asked if i could check the wound he pulled back the covers and i said ooh thats lovely and clean (meaning the wound), he looked at me with a cheeky grin on his face winked and said oh i like to keep it clean for the ladies, exit one red faced girlie!!!!!!

i dont want to ambush this thread but i am very gullible and on duty as a firs aider we ended up calling the air ambulance to lift an unconscious young lady to hospital following a fall from her horse, i was in the mode for taking instructions from the paramedic and we got the girl in the basket etc and just needed to carry her across the field to the helicopter he said as the grass is uneven you need to old my hand, half way across the field i realised what i was doing and let go the paramedic and his pals had tears running down their faces with laughter still it was his 40th birthday and made his day

my colleague on nights said to me here do you know they have taken the word gullible out of the dictionary i said have they? well it was a night shift lol

This last one reminds me of an incident which happened shortly after returning from Canada to live back here.I was needing clothes and was asking folks about a decent brand name for suits etc and I was given a few.

I had been at a conference in the city centre and about a dozen of us were walking down one of the main streets to go to lunch and I saw a shop that was one of the names.

I asked quickly if they would mind if I popped into a shop and was told no probs , we will come too,they followed be as I explained in a very excited way that I was so pleased to have found this shop as I  have been looking for it for ages,because they have exactly what I need and such a good selection.

I walked in,looked around and then this heat of embarrassment went over me as I was surrounded by sex toys. Then I saw the faces of the women with me. I tried to explain then they all started to laugh and explained sweetly that I needed  Ann Harvey...not Ann Summers!!!

XX Jeannine

He he he!  ;D