Hi,
I wonder if anyone can help me...
I am getting increasingly worried about my stepson - he is nearly 9 and weighs 3 1/2 stone. Food is really becoming an issue and meal times are just not enjoyable as inevitably we all end up fraught as he is not eating.
I'm torn between getting him to eat food that is good for him and just giving in and making him fish fingers and chips just so he eats something.
Also, it's very difficult implementing any kind of system or methods when we are only weekend parents, every other weekend in fact.
My husband and I have spoken in length to his mum and stepdad but we appear to be at a loss.
I know that we must not make food an issue for him, as inevitably this will lead to problems with food in later life - but it's so difficult to get him to enjoy his food.
Apparently at school (he has school dinners), he sometimes goes a whole day on half a potato as he wont eat anything else, it breaks my heart! I don't know about you, but when I was at school, we weren't allowed to leave the table until everything was eaten of the tray - whether we liked it or not, but I guess dinner ladies aren't allowed to be that forceful anymore!
Sorry, this has turned into a bit of an essay!
Anyway - any ideas on the best way to encourage him to eat and enjoy food, and also any tried and tested recipes would be most appreciated.
Thanks!
Do you mean he doesn't eat what you make because he always eats very little or because he doesn't like what you are offering?
If the former then he probably needs to see a pediatric dietician: most kids that age eat lots and are thin as rakes.
If he simply restricts himself to food like fish fingers and chips then I would make that for him. After all if he's 5 days with mum she can try to develop his taste buds for other things.
Is this something new? Has he been like this since birth? Has it changed since Mum and Dad split up. How does he get on with you the rest of the time? Lots of questions but not too many answers.
If he is underweight better to give him what he will eat than argue about it. Different foods can be added little by little.
Sometimes small things make a difference: like Heinz beans v Asda beans etc. BEst to give him what he's used to.
Gosh that is tough to watch.
Would he enjoy cooking with you?
They will often eat what "they" cook, you could help him make his own fish fingers and chips, all baked in the oven of course and from fresh ingredients.
Also getting him to choose the menu beforehand that he is going to prepare can help.
If you are very worried I would seek medical advice as grawrc suggests, if nothing else it might put your minds at rest.
Laura - what a worrying situation you find yourself in - one which I think is probably far more complex than a child who's just 'a fussy eater'.
How long has it been since the 'big change' in his family life and does he seem happy when he's with you at the weekends other than his 'refusal' to want to eat food?
It would certainly be worth trying to get him involved in 'helping' with the food - most children of that age - boys & girls enjoy 'cooking' and especially making cakes and things...have you tried baking with him?
Are there other children in the household when he's with you - if so, what sort of re-action do you get from them to his 'disinterest' - do they encourage or ignore him at mealtimes or even make fun?
So, so many questions - think maybe another chat with his Mum & stepdad might be useful - does his Mum seem worried/anxious by all this or does she just seem to think 'he'll grow out of it'.....you've obviously discussed how long this has been going on with them.
In the meantime - as much as it might go against your beliefs....I'd be inclined to give him whatever he will eat - anything must be better than nothing (within reason)
Seem to think professional help may be needed - as his problems may be much deeper seated than just a lack of interest in food.
So sorry you've got such a worry tho.
Being a wicked step-mother myself Laura, I really really do sympathise. My stepdaughter is now 11, going on 31, but we used to have a similar problem. We only have her every other weekend. My darling and her mother split when she was still a baby, but when I arrived on the scene, when she was 3 it was very tough. Still a baby really, food wasn't an issue, but by the time she was about 5ish, it became the cause of lots and lots of arguements between my darling and I. When she arrived with us she would refuse everything I prepared. Now, I tend to cook everything fresh, sauces, fish, pancakes, chips...but her mother didn't and everything, and I mean everything came out of packets or tins. The poor girl couldn't cope with the difference, and she was a waif for a while. In the end, I had to give in and started buying the things I new she ate, packets of dry pasta and sauces, tins of ravioli, frozen pizzas and chips, and she ate them. However, as she got older.....within the last 2 or so years, she has discovered she likes fresh food, and now she brags to her mum about the things she has eaten whilst with us, and will eat a roast dinner bigger than her dads and she says she is stocking up before she gets home!
Anyhows, my ramblings, sorry, all I can say is, it may well be the split that is the issue...it is funny even now, all these years on, things crop up that have been playing on her mind for a long long time about it. Find out exactly the brands he likes and stick with them when he is with you. It is for such a brief time that it is lousy to be worrying about food when you should be enjoying your time with him. But I also think you should speak to someone professional about it....a health visitor or paeditrician (sp??) just to put your mind at rest. It will become an issue between you and his dad so it is something you need to try to deal with.
Blimey, I am no help..... :-\
Spot on EJ. That is exactly what I was trying to say but trying not to say it in so many words - lest I offend.
I’m not sure whether this is going to help a great deal, but we often have kids to stay with us over the summer hols, sometimes with their parents, sometimes as friends of nieces and nephews who are staying. It’s not at all uncommon to be faced with refusal to eat, either because the food is unfamiliar or (more often) they've fallen into the habit of making mealtimes into a battleground.
We have evolved two house rules, based on our own kids’ behaviour at that sort of age. One is that they don’t have to eat, the other is that they mustn’t whinge (and neither must their parents!). We always provide bread, butter, ham, cheese, and salad a gogo, so if they don’t care to eat the main meal, there’s plenty of nutritious alternatives. We don’t cook separate or elaborate “children’s mealsâ€.
It’s not a matter of comment if a child has bread and ham and gherkins for 10 straight meals in a run, including breakfasts. That’s his or her choice. And it has happened.
This may sound terribly harsh, but actually it’s the opposite. We can all have a jolly time with good conversation and an enjoyable meal without it being spoilt by a distressed child being forced or cajoled to eat something that he or she doesn’t want.
Nine times out of ten, they’ll be joining in the family meals wholeheartedly within the week. If there’s something that takes their fancy but they’re not sure about, they’re offered a small taste. If they don’t like it, that’s entirely OK â€" their choice. If they do, they can help themselves to a proper portion.
Thank you all so much for your replies.
It sounds like a very similar situation to you EJ. My husband and his ex split up when my stepson was just 6 months old, then we got together just before his 3rd birthday. Like your stepdaughters mother, his mother has only ever fed him chips, pizza, burgers etc. so it's always been difficult for us to introduce new fresh foods as he just wont try them. I do have a small amount of success with spag bol (with homemade sauce), but again, he will only eat about a quarter of it. He really seems so disinterested in food - maybe a lot of youngsters go through this but I find is shocking as me and my sisters were all really good eaters, I'm not used to it.
I have tried in the past to make my own fish fingers and chicken nuggets but he is wise to that now and just wont eat them. I think it's definitely a good idea to try to get him to help me in the kitchen - I will do that next weekend. Does anyone have an ideas for recipes that are good for getting kids involved? I guess homemade pizza would be good, as I know he likes that.
We don't have any other children unfortunately as yet so there is no other influence in our house, but his mother has since remarried and they have a 2 year old - she has an amazing appetite but unfortunately her brother doesn't follow suit.
For as long as my husband and I have been together, my stepson has never really had a good appetite, well, unless he is at his grandparents and they are feeding him cakes, biscuits and sweets! He is a fantastic boy - loving, happy, funny and smart - I really can't see that this has been brought on by events that happened in his early life. He really has the best of both worlds - he has such an extended family who all dote on him and adore him. He just seems to be not interested in food at all.
I think you are right - I have to give in and feed him what he likes, even though I don't like the thought, at least he will be eating something. As you say, we only have him for 2 days every 2 weeks - we want him to remember them being happy times, not have bad memories brought on by food.
I hope like your stepdaughter EJ that he grows out of this in a couple of years. I just worry as he is so terribly thin. He works ever so hard at school, then homework - all on half a potato bless him!
I was looking on the internet yesterday and all the sites I came across suggested that when the child asks if they have to eat any more, or my stepsons favourite 'can I finish?', you let them finish, even if they've only eaten one mouthful, then when they come to you in an hour because they are hungry - you offer them their dinner again (but it will be cold?!), if they refuse, offer them a healthy snack. Supposedly this will eventually encourage them to eat more of their dinner as they will realise that they wont be getting any other 'treats' or junk food, but the thought of saying they can leave the table after only one mouthful :o! I guess anything is worth a try!
Thanks again for replying, to be honest, it's nice to talk about it and get an outsiders point of view.
If you have any ideas for child friendly fun recipes, or recipes that you can hide veg in or anything that you think might be worth trying, please let me know and I'll give it a go, thanks again, I really appreciate it!
Oh dear, another ramble from me!
Sorry, just seen your post Melbrourne - some very good and interesting points there. I think after reading about it on the internet yesterday, and reading your post from first hand experience, it seems to be the best way forward to just let them eat what amount they want to at meal times. As you say, it's all too easy for meal times to turn into a battle ground, and that is not what we want. Definitely some food for thought there. Thank you for your post!
When youngest wasn't eating she lived off Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, I figured at least she was getting protien!
My Girls have their very own kids cookbooks which helps tremendously!
I got made for me club sandwiches for lunch the other day from one of the books, and very tasty they were too! ;D
My girls favorites to make are macaroni cheese, (they like to put cut up frankfuters in......which I have to admit tastes good!) I put in sweetcorn and peas.
They love to do wraps, anything they fancy, rolled up, their fave is chicken, with lettuce, tomatoes cheese etc.
When they were on the don't eat veg time I used to cut up the veg really fine so they couldn't see it and put it in just about anything! Shepherds pie is one you can hide them in quite well
.
Every Friday night is pizza night for us, we all make our own, Eldest now makes hers into a calzone, and small insists on 4 small with different toppings on each!
Good luck on your quest, I am sure you will look back years down the road and wonder why you worried, am sure we have all done it, hard when it is happening though
all the best
DP
May i make a suggestion , i was a childrens nanny in my younger days and whenever food was a problem we changed tactics and ideas.
We bought lots of different shaped cutters as you still can , faces animals little men etc, and let our little charges do some cooking and have fun with the shapes with all food seeing who eats a certain part of the shape make up a story before you know where you are some GOOD food has been eaten.
Those potatoe things that spell the alphabet are good they can spell there name and eat it or spell a car etc etc. I hope something here helps you good luck let me know how you get on, use as many different foods as you can lots of nicely coloured vegetables sweetcorn was always a favourite. Cheers Rosebud.
They are monkeys huh! Sometimes they drive us to distraction! But I remember when number one son, who is a fussy eater and is very thin, was refusing to eat anything I prepared other than spuds, I watched a tv prog where a doctor was talking to parents with kids who only wanted chips and spuds, and he told them not to worry about it. They will get enough goodness for their little bodies. This eating 5 veggies/fruits a day is fine, for adults, but for a sprog, an apple must be like eating 2 or 3 portions! Number one son will only eat corn on the cob. Can't understand why you would want it off the cob, and won't eat tinned sweetcorn! Number one daughter loves strawberries, but only if the 'green' end is cut off and they are stood up like little mountains with a light sprinkle of sugar. I now buy best of both type bread so they get fibre without realising!
OKay, things I have done to feed the monsters, spag bol can hide a multitude of veggies. If you don't have one, invest in a little blitzer thingy as you can cut the veggies so small, they practically vanish! Shepherds pie is another one that can be packed full of veg. Also, when doing mash spuds, add a carrot, swede or parsnip and mash them all together. Or, mash them seperately, then you have multicoloured mash! Fishcakes is a good one to try them on, altho mine prefer whole fish rather than pureed fish. We cook together an awful lot, and I do believe it has helped. Even just peeling the veggies, or sitting on the side watching and chatting about what I was doing. I always have an array of breakfast cereals, and we do make a feast of weekend breakfasts, sometimes having pankcakes, which they help my flip, or waffles, bacon, porridge and bread. Then I don't worry if they graze on fruit and bread during the day. Also, plenty of fresh fruit juices, either your own, or purchased, but fresh with no added sugar. I always have a selection for the weekends.
I believe it is US that has a problem with the kids eating, and the more of an issue we make it, the harder the whole situation becomes and it seems much worse than it really is.
I still worry immensly about what and how much the kids are eating and I feel guilty as hell if a day has passed and I haven't given them a proper cooked meal, but then the next day, the will eat like kings so slowely I am getting over it.....
Blimey, I can ramble for England! It is great to talk about this and get it off your chest, and as you see, most people come across this situation at some time or another. Keep us posted!
I don't often give out compliments Emma, cos thats not my style, am a dour Scot!!! but I admire you immensly and think you are a super mother. Keep it up gal, your country needs more like you around.
;)
It's really easy to get upset about what kids aren't eating - my two sons were completely different. The youngest ate mostly what was put in front of him - has a problem with "bits" in jam and yoghourt, and doesn't like fish because of the bones, but apart from that is OK. Even says brussells sprouts are his favourtite vegetable! The eldest however... well he just wouldn't eat anything solid. The child seemed to keep going just on mashed banana and milk with raw egg in. I was worried, but doctor said he was ok, and to stop worrying, and I did. Things gradually improved as he got to about 9 or 10, and I found that involving him in the food preparation worked wonders. Started doing things with him like sausages and mash, mostly mash, with little rounds of sausage cut. Cheese on toast with a smiley face made out of 2 peas and a semicircle of tomato. Little pizzas, using half a muffin, with cheese and lots of teeny bits on, chopped ham, sausage, chopped sweet peppers, scrambled egg etc. The crunch came when he was about 13 and started eating Dairylea cheese and sliced apple sandwiches which he made himself. There was no going back after that, he moved onto exotic things like curry and chinese meals quite quickly.
Having read what I've typed, this sounds like he was spoilt rotten, but he didn't show off, just wouldn't eat, and really didn't ask for food at other times, so it was a genuine worry. What I'd say, is just try to relax about it, don't insist on too much at the start, and do get him involved in food preparation and choice.
not much to add really after all this good advice but here's my 2p worth
I was very worried about my neice/god daughter who would only eat white pasta with grated cheese on it until she was 13! (to be fair she did eat a bit of fruit as well) - There was no family breakdown or any reason that we could see causing the problem. But she's now almost 15 and is trying lots and lots of different food and liking it - her parents had the GP and health visitor involved at one point who both said not to pressure her, but she still just refused to eat, then one day decided she would like to eat (what are they like?!) - Personally I think she's at the age where peer pressure is more important than parent pressure and she's wanting to go out with her mates for pizza's etc so doen't want to be left out, plus she knows she needs nutrition to be healthy (i.e. grow boobs and have nice teeth and hair :))
for the littler ones my sister is doing a star chart - they get a star for every new thing they try, then if they get 5 stars they are allowed to choose an outing to go on or they get a treat (but not sweets!) - this is working a dream so fingers crossed they keep it up.
Me and my sisters were also quite fussy eaters when we were little (I can remember picking out all the onions from spag bol, haven't got a clue why!) - my Dad used to go mad and force us to sit at the table until it was eaten, looking back it ws because he was worried about us and also money was short so it must have killed him to see the wasted food. We used to dread meal times, and one of us would always end up in tears. It was one of the things that led to us having quite a bad relationship with him, basically we were scared of him (although he was never violent) - he died a couple of years ago and while he was dying he apologised to all of us for his bad temper when we were small - he really regretted it - we'd all got over it by then of course and felt bad about our own part in it - but it seems a shame to have wasted those years, partly because of battles over food!
good luck x
See, kids are monkeys huh....my mum and dad had the opposite problem! My sis and I were, and still are PIGS! I have battled all my life with my weight - tis a family trait, none of us are 'big boned', or have anything wrong, we all just LOVE FOOD! ;D
I think kids should come with a Haynes manual, would make our parenting lives a dam site easier!
Mine had pizza tonight, just bog standard, out of the freezer pizza - Wednesday night is treat night and they choose what they fancy, and they always fancy pizza! They both washed it down with an apple, and daughter number one ate her little mountain range of strawberries. Bless'em!
Thank you for you compliment Carol, I don't ever think of myself as a particularly good mum, I just muddle along in my frantic way, and they follow along behind me - happy, most of the time! :-\
Brilliant, the lot of you.
You almost had me snuffling in my hanky.... excellent lot of advice from people who obviously care!
My children are both "slim jims" who are petite for their age group. Sometimes they'll have "hungry days" when they'll astonish us with what they can put away, it's quite evident when they are having a growth spurt because their appetite easily doubles, but we've learned early to put small portions on the plate and let them come back for more.
My daughter has always been very independent, insisted on feeding herself from around 8 months onwards, when she was still too little to hold a spoon, so she just used her hands - no matter what she was eating. Soup and yoghurt CAN be eaten with hands, and hair is a very good place to wipe off the messy stuff.... sometimes we used to have to wash her hair after every meal!
My sister came up with a good trick: "PLEASE don't eat the vegetables! No! Don't do it! Don't you dare! It will make you all strong and turn your hair all shiny - ugh!" - this has become a family joke and they'll even ring her up after a particularly vegetably meal and gleefully tell her they've been eating vegetables when she asked them not to.... it still works today when they're 8 and 10!
Some of my children's favourites: pasta bake with tuna and cheese sauce and hard-boiled eggs; home-made pizzas (we used to make them car- or house-shaped); cornish pasties (I still remember my son at 18 months old chomping his way through his "own" personal (miniature) pasty while we waited for the ferry to UK); fisherman's pie.
They have now announced that they want to make dinner for the family, we have to write them instructions and let them do the shopping, and make the food themselves, we're just there to advise and make sure they don't chop off any bits they still need...
Sometimes they'll surprise us by eating new things with a very 'acquired' taste -globe artichokes are a current favourite which they absolutely love. But of course it's difficult to find the new things when the child only has one or two things s/he will reliably eat, and I know the feeling when you've just spent hours making something and they turn their noses up...
Sorry, that was another mega ramble, I'll stop now!
BFD.
my brother was a fussey eater we had no problems at home he just would not eat veg from when he came off mashed baby food (to solids)mum alwasy made the food from fresh never bought for him (tins packets ) so my dad got a allotment and from the age off 2 he went with dad most of the time as did we and helped with the sowing planting watering off all these veg ill never forget he picked his first carrott out of the ground took it to the water tap washed it and eat it there at the plot since that day no veg has been a problem except raw onion dose your step son seen interested in growing his own veg this may help every case is different i know may be this may help all the best let us know if you find a way
by the way my little brother is now 16 years old and a very big 10stone in wight and still loves fresh veg
Wow - thank you all so much for sharing your stories, tips and methods - it has been MOST helpful!
It sounds like I really have nothing to worry about and that stepson will come round in his own sweet time, and for now, we have to concentrate on not making it an issue, keeping meal times stress free and fun, getting him involved in growing and cooking the food which we will eat, keeping portions small and allowing him to finish his meal when he wants, not us keep telling him to eat more etc.
My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to try all of the above :o!!!!
We have stepson from Saturday afternoon so will try getting him to help me make dinner, and maybe a smoothie to go with his breakfast?
I'll let you know how I get one!
Thanks again,
Laura
Laura - we shall all be watching keenly and hoping to read about slow but surely gradual improvements....lots of luck ;) H.P.
Good luck with your mission, Laura. You have had some really good advice from some experienced people.
QuoteI think kids should come with a Haynes manual
If only, EJ!! ;D
My granddaughter, aged nearly 4, always asks for boiled eggs for breakfast when she stays with us because then we get to decorate the shells and stuff 'em with cotton wool and sow cress for hair.