On Saturday evening my Aunt died. She had been battling with a brain tumour for about a year. My mum is distraught,Aunt was her little sister and now mum is the only one left. I had feeling about it that afternoon so we called in to mum's on the way home from Newcastle and sat with her. The phonecall came whilst we were there.Got some difficult days ahead. The funeral first, mum is worried about not being able to get to it. It is not a case of just winging down there because of her disabilities.Things have to be thought out. I'm in the middle of trying to get my mum moved up to my town,she has had a rough time with the carers that are supposed to care for her and is totally sick of where she lives. I'm worried as hell as the only place that may be available soonest is a "studio" flat. It is a tremendous downsize for mum but we are hoping that the security and the independance will make up for that.
It is very difficult, we are in a similar postion with my mother, but she cannot really move as her house has been so well converted for her use. (She is very disabled now). It is hard to know how best to proceed to help isn't it? Hope you can manage it.
Heldi - much sympathy.
Regarding getting your mum to the funeral - when I was my mum's carer the Red Cross were wonderful. They took her (and me) in one of their ambulances to and from places she couldn't otherwise get to, in return for a donation. Lovely people. Worth giving them a ring?
Thanks Eric. I'm really concerned about the downsize,Mum says it is ok though. But what she says and what she does is another story. It has come to the point where I have to do something and hope it works out for the best. At the very least I'll be nearby and she can come and sit in my house if she feels inclined. She has a hankering to see my chickens though...I can see her trundling up the muddy road in her electric wheelchair and spending her days sitting in my lotty. Actually I like that thought, I'll keep it in mind over these next few days.
Thanks Christine. Didn't know that about the Red Cross. The funeral will be down in East Grinstead whilst we are up in Northumberland. I am hoping my brothers will do the correct thing and help out.
Heldi, I am sorry to hear about your Aunt. That's a long trip for your Mum, from Northumberland to East Grinstead though to attend the funeral. Will you be able to fly from Newcastle to Gatwick and then have another member of the family meet you there? I know that there are also flights to Southampton and they may be a bit cheaper, for my daughter in law uses it with her children when she goes to the NE to see her family. Airlines are generally very good with the disabled. It's worth enquiring as the journey by road could be very uncomfortable for her.
So sorry to hear that Heldi. I hope the arrangements work out ok. Thinking of you.
I am so sorry for your loss Heldi. Its such an awful thing for you and your family to go through. I have to agree with Christine ... the Red Cross are marvellous and a great help to the disabled, (ma in law had transport from them to get her to and from hospital for clinic appointment when she had both knees replaced) Wonderful peeps.
So sorry to hear about your Aunt's death Heldi. It must be very difficult for you at the moment, having to cope with the loss and also the worry about your Mum and her circumstances. I feel for you! We had to make some quite hard decisions for my Mum when she was alive and is not always very straightforward. Hope you have people around who can support you. You are in my thoughts! busy_lizzie
Thanks Pauline.
You are right about the long journey. Mum has flown to Gatwick before,it might have to be the option to take.Though she was stronger then and unfortunately Aunt used to pick her up. It is hard to explain the nature of her difficulties but one thing is she can't get into a car without virtually being lifted into it and lifted out again. Lots of other difficulties too so it has to be a major operation to get her there. I do think she should go to the funeral and I hope my brothers don't try to put her off. I think she needs to be with my Uncle for example. Someone who knew Aunt way back when they were all young. Listen to me...working my case out before my brothers start to try and put her off.
Steve,thanks mate, it is going to be tricky but I feel she should be there.
Thanks Mimi.
I think Christine has alerted me to something very useful indeed.
I'm very sorry, Heldi. I'm sure that you're giving her all the support she needs at this time, and that the funeral arrangements go ahead smoothly.
Best regards,
Lishka
Thankyou Busy.
I really feel for my mum right now. Have to try to get her through this as best we can and then try to get her mind set into thinking about new beginnings.
Heldi, Mark and I are thinking of you and your family at this saddest of times.
With love,
Emma
Thanks Lishka.
The support from you all is very welcome. Especially as I'm sitting here not knowing what to do or where to put myself. Spent yesterday at the lotty, made a big bonfire and stood contemplating stuff for ages.
Can't get in touch with brothers so am in the dark as to arrangements.
Thanks Emma.
Means alot x
Dear Heldi,
Can't think of anything to add to the suggestions - except to add my support and thoughts for you.
Take care and good luck,
CLx
Heldi, don't really have anything useful, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I hope you are able to get your mum to the funeral.
Thanks CL. Thanks Moggle.
There are times I wish I were better with words than tomatoes-my wife lost her Aunt a few weeks ago-the last of her `family`.
Remember the good times.
A cyber hug from me.
Oh Heldi I've just read your thread. I'm so sorry to hear of your news. My heart goes out to you and your family. Thinking of you, and you know where we are if you need a virtual shoulder!
Heldi,
So very sorry to hear of your sad loss. My heart goes out to you and I am thinking of you at this sad time. Good luck with your Mum.
Heldi, so sorry to hear your sad news, thinking of you and your family.
Really sorry to hear that Heldi :( Much love to you and your mum X
Thankyou cleo,Plocket,Marianne,pansy and Trixie. I really appreciate your messages.
Mum has been to hospital today. Said she enjoyed it!! It's the ride around the old haunts in Newcastle I think not so much the hospital visit. She saw the MS consultant who gave her some words of encouragement.
I've just been tasked with getting her to the funeral...with electric wheelchair and with her grandchildren. Think they will be a distraction for her when it all gets too much.
Hasn't really sunk in until today. :(
It is hard when close family members of your own generation leave so I do feel for your Mum but, whatever else, Heldi, your Mum is lucky to have a child (cos to her you will always be her child) who cares enough to worry what will be best for her and will try to make that happen. All strenght to you.
Heldi
Our deepest Sympathy with your Sad Loss
In our Thoughts Mike
Thankyou Wicker. Thankyou Mike.
Im so sorry Heldi, my thoughts are with you at thid difficult time,
With warmest regards,
Daniel
Only just seen this, so sorry for your sad loss Heldi especially for your Mum with the worry of upheaval too.
Heldi
I'm really sorry to hear your sad news.
For what it's worth let me tell you about my mum who died 4 years ago aged 90. My mum and dad lived in Glasgow in a large terraced house where we all grew up and which they loved. The nearest of their children were my sister and I in Edinburgh. When my dad got Alzheimer's we tried to persuade them to move to Edinburgh but they really weren't interested. It wasn't until my sister died of cancer (dad had died 4 years previously) that my mother, totally disraught at the loss of her daughter, finally agreed to move to Edinburgh. With my help we found her what she called "my cottage" - an old converted stable in the centre of a village near Edinburgh - not more than 5 minutes' walk from my home. Livingroom, 2 bedrooms, no garden, but a courtyard where she could sit.
Her life changed totally when she came here - no garden, nobody she knew apart from us, no familiar haunts, a tiny house compared to the one she left, however she was a very sociable and outgoing person who soon made new friends, was visited by old friends and happily took the bus all over town. She took on a part-time job at a charity shop. She was part of my family as she had never been before. Then she learnt that she had cancer and took the decision not to have treatment.
Your mum is in a very different situation in that with MS she will not be able to get about without a great deal more support from you. It is at these times that the family is all important with the unconditional love and support that you can provide to make her comfortable and at ease with her new environment and to provide her with the company and companionship that she needs. I can only say that my thoughts are with you. It is a great privilege to support one's parents in their latter years.
Dear Heldi, so very sorry to hear of your Aunts death and the dilema it has brought for you with regards to your Mum, i hope everthing works out for you both all the best Rosebud.
Heldi, thinking of you and yours DP
Sorry to hear of your loss.
Ask the hospital if they know of someone who can help. I have a feeling there may be charitable organisations that may help.
Thankyou Dan2, Roy, grawr,rosebud,DP and ipt8.
grawr,that was a very personel account and I am grateful for you telling me about your folks. My mum's worst fear is losing the independance she has doggedly strived to maintain. The place we have looked at is a retirement home where getting out and about is actively encouraged. It is at the other end of a road which is somewhere where I walk each day. My allotment is along this road ;D. Hopefully I'll be able to get her settled in and soon she'll be bombing around the streets in her electric wheelchair. Mind you we are still waiting for the flat to be offered. Fingers crossed.
Today I have managed to get mum booked into an MS respite place near to my uncle. It's a weight off our minds that she has somewhere to stay for the funeral that can cope with her particular difficulties...they'll even do her hair and nails for her! Just working out how best to get her there.
Heldi I know about the fears because many years ago when I was a teenager I used to go to France to stay with a family who had a holiday house on Lake Geneva. Next door there were 3 gorgeous teenage boys, and their sister (probably quite gorgeous too but I'm not that way inclined). As kids do you wander in and get to know their folks. Their dad was a businessman in Lyon, their mum was a lovely woman in her 50s ( I think - hard to gauge when you're 12+) who was stuck in a wheelchair with MS. I loved her to death. I spent much of my time with her chatting or getting her a cup of tea or wheeling her out for a walk by the lake. Every year I visited there was some deterioration in her condition and then one summer she wasn't there. unable to leave Lyon. And then she died.
What a privilege it was to know that woman. What conversations we had. What she taught me about the world and life and pain and infidelity and love and suffering. She died but her family made sure she wasn't forgotten:
http://www.sclerose-plaques.com/accueil.htm (http://www.sclerose-plaques.com/accueil.htm)
http://www.infosci.org/IFMSS/SEPT94/caresurv.html (http://www.infosci.org/IFMSS/SEPT94/caresurv.html)
Anyway enjoy your mum while you can. Life is so less rich when mums have gone.
Heldi, so glad to hear of the news about your Mum. Such a worrying time for you. Be strong, we are all thinking of you.
All love, you have my prayers,
FL - big hug!
Wow! That is so special grawr!
Thankyou Flowerlady. I love big hugs!
Heldi, sorry to hear about your aunt - I do hope you are able to get your mum there for the funeral. Glad to hear you have managed to find a place for her to stay while she's there - hope she gets the flat too.
I don't know whether your local Red Cross will be able to provide a lift all the way to East Grinstead, but it's certainly worth asking - if they can't help, they may know someone who can.
Details are here: http://www.redcross.org.uk/standard.asp?id=74
Hi Heldi, Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your message but I've not been on the boards much of late. I just wanted to send this to you and your family in the hope that it helps even a little. Thinking of you at this sad time.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v256/Bluewildlife/smilehug.gif)
Thankyou Juliet and Eileen.
It looks like I won't be able to go to my aunts funeral. Unfortunately it comes down to money :( OH would have to be off work for 3 or 4 days. Accomodation,petrol,dog kennel,to name a few. I'm not happy but it seems it is the way it has to be. Even if I go by myself OH still has to take time off work to see to the kids. We have no other family that can look after them. Still trying to work something out and I haven't given up yet.
Mum is still going. She will get there by hook or by aircraft!
Heldi, tell us the time of the funeral, we can spend a moment with you from wherever we are.
Take care, be strong, another big hug
FL
Flowerlady I'm choked. What a lovely generous thought. Thankyou.
:-*
Heldi
I am so sorry that it has taken me a while to reply to your post.
I know how you feel. my thoughts are with you Heldi. I am always about if you want a chat. :)
Would just like to say my thoughts are with you and especially your Mum. I do hope things work out so that your Mum can attend your Aunt's funeral without too much stress. Very best wishes for the future I hope your Mum will be able to spend many years near to you. Take care of yourself. Lorna.
Jill and Lorna.
Thankyou for your support and best wishes.
What a lovely bunch of people you all are.
Helen x
How are you bearing up Heldi?
That's a lovely idea from Flowerlady, we could do that.
Take care,
Big hug,
CLx
Heldi. Hope you're okay :)
Maybe you could use your garden centre vouchers to buy a plant to commemorate your Auntie?
Trixie XXX
I'm alright CL.
My eyes well up when I read this thread :)
Hope you are ok. Wanted to pm you about the next instalment of my search. No where near the end yet but plodding on!
(I'm searching for my natural mother.)
Trixie I had thought that whilst I was down at the funeral I'd call in a garden centre if I had time and choose a plant to bring home to put in my garden. Since I'm probs not going to be there I've been thinking about it some more.
I remember my aunt telling me about a Rowan tree she had in her garden. My birthday is on halloween and she was telling me the Rowan wards off evil spirits so she wouldn't be getting any spooks that night. I'm thinking along those lines now since its something I clearly remember. Need to research though. Size etc.
Look at me...I'm supposed to be looking up cold frame designs not thinking about Rowan trees!
there is always time for healthy diversions!! ;)
Plant idea sounds great, and therapeutic. Something to remember her by. Don;t know anything about Rowan trees, but sounds well worth looking into.
Heldi, pm me anytime re your search....
Take care,
CLx
Quote from: Heldi on January 25, 2006, 15:27:20
(I'm searching for my natural mother.)
If you need some support on that. I have been and done it. Wasn't a nice experience for me but I am here for you if you need a chat. :)
Heldi - I'm not good at these times. Your rowan would make the birds happy with the berries?
Heldi: Elderfower is a good protector too. Trixie XX
Jill... thanks ;D
Tim I've been looking online at Rowans. Bit big for my garden. Not that that will stop me because for every plant there is a pot! I'm potty about pots. The berries would be a great addition to the garden and I'm all for the birds. Have looked at Kashmir Rowan with lovely white berries. Also Vilmorin Rowan. Can't get a good picture of that one. Both are more compact than the usual Rowan. Very nice but aunt had the traditional Rowan. Wonder if it's available in bonsai?!
Oooh Trixie I have an Elderberry. Does that mean I'm protected from myself?! I've been accused of being a witch many times lol!
Funny thing is, looking for these trees had made me feel like I'm doing something positive. I'm going to try to see if there are any plants with her name next.
HELDI: < have an Elderberry. Does that mean I'm protected from myself?! I've been accused of being a witch many times lol>
LOL! No, it doesn't mean you're protected from yourself ... unless you're your own 'worst enemy'! ;)
I wish you luck with choosing a tree/plant for your Auntie. I've got an olive tree here ready to plant that my Uncle bought me just before he died. It will be a lovely moment when I plant it!
Hi Heldi - long time no speak.....
Deepest sorrows to hear of your Aunt, I know the devestation you must be going through - lost my mum at the end of last year and feel lost.
Rowan - try Josephs Coat. It was recommended to me by Goldilocks a couple of months ago - neat size, good shape, good colour and a feast for the birds. I planted 'Julia's Rose' for my mum - she loved her garden.
Chin up sweetie, mum will need you to be strong.
Keep in touch Heldi.
Hmmmm....Trixie "own worst enemy " has been applied to me many times aswell! You don't know me do you ??!! lol!
so sorry to hear the news if you need some one to talk to im hear i lost my mum 3 years ago feb comming up how you are all copping all the best take care
Crackin!!!! ;D ;D ;D
How pleased am I to see you!
Thankyou for your thoughts regarding my aunt and my mum.
I've not forgotten your sadness at losing your mum. Think about you when my Christmas Cactus starts to bloom and realise the time of year.
I'm here to keep in touch with...I want to know how you are! Still haven't had a Malta holiday but I now have chickens!!! (Kind've makes up for it if I tell myself often enough :D )
Aaaw thankyou loulou. I'm here for you also if you need to talk. Feb must bring it all back.
thank you im getting there thay say time is a healer and i think it is but iv got alot to keep me bizzy in feb my wedding aniversary ( mum and dads 4days after mine) my fartherin laws birthday seeds to sow a plot to dig and best of all two little monsters to make me laugh i ment it any time just you need to talk just mail me ill be hear take care