I need your support dealing with something very sad

[Jeannine]

Thre and a half years ago  a really special lady I have become realfriends It was very  large,she seemed to cope very well through all the chemo etc and finally seemed to be on the mend. It has been 3 years, she was just going for reconstruction surgery to build the breast up. They have  now found the cancer in most of her bones and in some of her organs  She has been given 18 months to live.

She has 2 small children, and I will  be buddying with her till she goes.

This is going to be very sad for me

XX Jeannine

[Jeannine]

[legendaryone]

I don't know what to say Jeannine, but try to take comfort in the knowledge that you have time to spend with her and that is a very precious gift.

[manicscousers]

she's lucky to have someone like you, jeannine..my thoughts will be with her, her family and you.. :)

[kitten]

Oh Jeannine, I don't know what to say, i'm so sorry, it's awful how life throws these things at us sometimes.

All I can offer you is my way of thinking about it: it's natural that you'll feel like it's a sad time, thinking this is the last time we'll do this together, or that together, but I would say to think of it as a privilege - that she's chosen you to share all the 'lasts' with, that she trusts you to see her at her worst and know you'll still love her no matter what.

I wish we'd had the opportunity to do this for my uncle but he was taken from us too quickly and we never got the chance to say or do those things that you'll be able to plan & share with your dear friend.

If you're interested in a holistic approach, have a look at www.pennybrohncancercare.org, it's an amazing charity and i've seen first hand the effect it can have on people living with cancer & their supporters.

Don't forget, we're all here for you through the ups and downs, cyber hugs aplenty.  I know it's probably not much of a consolation right now, but once the initial shock goes it may help you through some of the tough times.

You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers  :-*

[coznbob]

Cancer is such a horrible disease, my thoughts are with you, her and her little ones.

[OliveOil]

Awww Jeannine - its awful. I am thinking of you and your friend and her family.  My mum had breast cancer when she was just 36 and I'm very lucky she is still with us and fighting fit.  Unfortunately I am very high risk and at 31 I just had my first mammogram last month and will have them every 18 months now - its a scary thought that is constantly looming overhead.

I hope your friend can fight it as long as she can or that by some miracle it goes.

[grawrc]

What a hard knock for her and for you Jeannine. I lost both my sister and my mother to cancer although they both lasted longer than expected.

I think the thing is to come to terms with it. To sort things out and prepare yourself for the day that you will no longer be there on the one hand and to do all the things that you want to do while you still can. And for you to help her, to listen to her, to be strong for her.

My heart goes out to both of you. Hugs
Anne

[tim]

She's lucky to have someone who's seen it all before, like you Jeannine.

[Tulipa]

We're all here for you Jeannine, whenever you need us, as Tim says she is a lucky lady to have you. 

Cancer is such a dreadful thing, there seems to be so much of it about at the moment, several of my friends have it and we have just lost a good friend to it. 

You will need support to support her - we will do our best for you.  Look after yourself so you can look after her and her little ones.  Take care. x

[Jeannine]

Thanks , I was sort of expecting it when she went for tests recently but it is the 18 months bit.

I have buddied folks through AIDS when in Canada for the AIDS association, they were people I didn't know in the beginning although  they became friends as time went on so I thought I was well prepared but this is different,she is a friend and a very sweet person and I see her everyday. I see her children everday too.

I sat last night and thought about it and felt inadequate, I think because of the children mostly as she has so much to hang on for.

I will be fine, I think last night I needed to just voice my thoughts a little.

By the way, sorry for the appalling spelling on the first post, I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly but thankfully you got the gist.

XX Jeannine

[Tulipa]

Jeannine, you must not feel inadequate!  You have been a wonderful support to Grawrc these last few weeks and to others on here. I am sure it feels very scarey at the moment, but just being her friend, just as normal, will be such a comfort to her.  She will not be expecting you to be superwoman.

I was chatting to someone yesterday who had lost a friend the same way who she had supported.  This lady had 2 young children too, the lady was telling me how she gets comfort from baking the children's birthday cakes for them. 

I know of other families who have lost their Mum - the children do seem to cope, better than the adults I think.

To loose a friend is so hard but look on the positive side, you have a whole 18 months, a lot can be fitted in to that time.  You can have a lot of fun together.  Our friend who died recently only had 3 weeks, so your friend is lucky in that sense.  It is early days yet but you will both learn to cope with it and support each other,  Bless you, she is so lucky to have you.

[grawrc]

Tulippa let me second all of that. Also they say 18 months but they don't really know. It seems to depend a great deal on the state of mind of the person.  I know with my mother it was helped by her strong Christian belief (which I don't share) and the power of prayer. Also she spoke about her coming death openly and prepared herself for it with us. But she was 90. Quite different. In fact in my life experience death is never the same. Each individual deals with it differently.

For the children it is hard but like Tulippa I think that children have a resilience that adults lose. Perhaps because of a greater understanding and knowledge, a clearer perception of the pain and suffering involved and the inevitability of death for us all. Preparation and time for grieving.

Does your friend have a loving partner Jeannine or close family? It is the support network that will help her.  Sorry I'm rambling now. Thinking with my fingers.

[lorna]

Jeannine So many people are devastated by this horrible disease. I have lost a sister-in-law. a sister, a brother, 2 nieces and another niece who is going through chemo (had her last lot 2 weeks ago). It amazes me how brave people can be. my sister-in-law planned everything including her funeral when she was given weeks to live. One niece (35) worked so hard to raise money for Hospice, including a swim. She was so popular and such an inspiration  that  £3500 was raised for charity at her funeral.
All one can do is to be there for them and your friend will have you and family to help her, even sadder when children are left without a parent.
Lorna

[Heldi]

It's the thought of the children that have me choked. How hard it must be for their mum to know she is leaving them.  It is the worst nightmare and I feel so very sorry and sad. How on earth do you cope with that?  The pain must be unbearable. Jeannine you are one special brave lady.

[newbies]

Jeannine,
I lost my Dad recently to cancer, and it robbed him of his dignity.  It is an awful disease, and your friend is lucky to have somebody to support her.  I admire you for your desire to support her, expecially when you have experienced this before, it is not easy.

My love and support to you both.

[emmy1978]

Oh no Jeannine. I have to say she couldn't have a better friend than you right now. We had a quick thing about this the other day and as you know we were with my OH's mum through last year when she had terminal lung cancer. You have my support in buckets, I wish I had had here to offload sometimes as although OH and I talked constantly you really need that support. It is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone die.
You need to know things like the stages of acceptance she will go through, especially as she is so young, she will really feel denial and also the screaming 'unfairness' - why her? Get in touch with Macmillan if no-one points you there anyway. Tell them your situation and ask for as much info as poss.
It's so tough, there is no easy way. You just have to brace yourself and hope for as much happy time for her as possible before the meds get too strong.  :'(
Knowing she will leave two small children is just awful. Get her to make a memory box for them, not just her things but postcards of paintings she wants them to see through their life, things like that.
I hate cancer so much, it is so indiscrimainate and vicious.
You know we are all here for you, please encourage her to take all the support that MacMillan or Marie Curie can offer her, it will help you, her family and her children.
Love to you. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[cazy]

I'm so sorry Jeannine.  What an inadequate word that is at a time like this, no way does it express what I am feeling for you all. 
The thing that hits me most is your friends loss, knowing she will have to leave her children, my heart goes out to her.
You are a wonderful person Jeannine and will always be there for her, we will always be here for you. x

[triffid]

It's a privilege to find someone who cares like you do, Jeannine.

We are all part of the same great web. It's not much, I know, but our hands are reaching out through our keyboards to give hugs, support and love.

So, not much change, perhaps, since John Donne wrote those wonderful words about people all being interconnected...

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind."

[Jeannine]

Thanks again, I think the bit I feel very inadequate about is I have nothing I can say when she cries about the children,all I can do is hold her,I guess that is what she needs really. She is a fighter though and determined to work for as long as she can.She has a very large family but they are all hurting too,all trying to be tough for each other. She does have a Macmillan nurse who has started to see her now,she talks about her will etc and I think she needs someone who is not afraid to let her talk. That I am confident I can do.

Well thanks for listening, I will not post much,but may come back to you as time progresses.

XX Jeannine

[grawrc]

We're here. Just come when you want us.
Anne