Allotments 4 All
General => The Shed => Topic started by: Trixiebelle on December 30, 2007, 18:10:11
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WELCOME TO TRIXIEWORLD CHRISTMAS 2007 ;D
It's a bit bizarre, it's a bit happy, it's a bit sad. But most importantly IT IS ALL TRUE!
Just to set the scene, Christmas is always at my house & I invite my bonkers mother, daughter Daisy, Grandson Tyler and of course, the main protagonist, Alfie my son! This year was just a leeeeeeetle bit different though ... ENJOY! Because I certainly DID NOT!
CHRISTMAS EVE:
Picked my mother up from Sheffield. It's her birthday & she's never forgiven the baby Jesus for upstaging her. Every year she has a tantrum and this year was no exception. I bought her an Oxfam Unwrapped present - an allotment for people in Africa. This did not go down very well at all. Her very words were "How do I know the money has been spent on an allotment. Will they send me a letter saying thankyou?"
Drove her down to Nottingham & we had a couple of rounds of false memory syndrome stuck in traffic on the M1.
(My mother is famous for 'false memory syndrome'. The most notable recollection being of her grandfather being killed by a tram in Sheffield when he was about 5yrs old. Of course, if her grandfather was killed at five years old he must be a rather young father. And how come he appears on my Gran's wedding photos in a bowler hat & sporting a handle-bar moustache??? Try and work it out! It took me 3 hours to convince her, showed her the wedding photo and then she blamed 'someone else' in the family for giving her false information!)
ROUND 1: Where we were when we found out people we knew had died.
Seems bizarre I know, but this argument took us from Chesterfield to the Mansfield turn-off.
ME: "When Uncle Pat was killed on K2 in the Himalayas my Auntie Sandra was at Auntie Hilary's house"
MOTHER: "She was NOT! She was at home ..."
ETC ETC ::)
ROUND 2: What we ate every year when we were camping in Scotland.
ME: "I always remember, we had cans of chunky-chicken in sauce & jars of sandwich spread and ..."
MOTHER: "WE DID NOT!"
ETC ETC ::)
Christmas Eve Night: Daisy decides that Tyler is stopping here overnight. Fine by me when I agreed but after 3 hours of hysterical crying until 1am & the thrashing around in the bed inbetween me & Alfie I SORT of regretted it.
CHRISTMAS DAY:
9:30am: I wake up the kids in my bed so they can open their stockings from Santa. Two delightful kiddies open some Santa presents & I have a tear in my eye! Next minute I'm in the bathroom - puking my guts up & sh*tting through the eye of a needle. I have a 'bug'. Thankyou Santa! I left you a glass of sherry as well. Never again.
MOTHER: (As I am lying prostrate on the settee downstairs groaning & heaving & trying to look enthusiastic about the kids opening their presents) "Don't worry. You can have a lie down after you've cooked the dinner"
I eat 12 Immodium tablets & wish I was dead.
10:30am: I pick up Daughter Daisy & she announces that she has invited her Boyfriend round for Christmas dinner (even though he despises me, the feeling is mutual & he's barred from the house) I stop off at the allotment and get more sprouts - it's the only thing he likes.
On Christmas Eve I heard an interview with Gordon Ramsay on Radio Trent about cooking on Christmas Day. He said: "Relax! Don't be afraid to ask other people to help out with the cooking either. And the turkey should be served at room temperature so don't stress"
Good old Gordon Wise words indeed But then again ... his mother isn't MY mother
I delegated peeling/preparing sprouts & parsnips (fresh from the allotment) to her.
MOTHER: "The sprouts are too small"
I explained that it's been a bad year for sprouts but it wasn't a good enough explanation. I had to sit on the naughty step.
MOTHER: "How do you want me to cut these parsnips? They're not like the ones I get from Sainsburys, they're a different shape and they're covered in mud. I usually cut mine into circles but these aren't circle-shaped"
I explained that parsnips in supermarkets look different to home-grown ones. I was very calm for a minute and then ......
"LOOK .... JUST PEEL THE SO**ING PARSNIPS, CUT THEM INTO ANY SO*DING SHAPE YOU WANT AND THEN I WILL ROAST THE BUGGERS. GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN"
She didn't though ::) Blood pressure SKY HIGH and then .....
I check on the 145lb turkey in the oven - which wasn't lit :o
1:00: I get a textmessage on my mobile phone from Cockney Keef from the garage next door. Keef is LOVELY, don't get me wrong. He's a typical Cockney geezer, 2 stone wet through, an alcohol-toking ducker and diver, good sense of humour and very amusing
But the text said: "When do you want me?"
I was a bit perturbed about it for a couple of minutes and then it all came flooding back.
A couple of weeks ago I got a bit too caught up in the 'Good Will To All Men' thing, had a few too many egg nogs & invited him for Christmas dinner ::)
Back to the allotment for more sprouts
He arrived with 2 bottles of port, got completely pi**ed and tried to get off with my mother :o
He brought some videos round for us to watch as well:
TRANSFORMERS: Obviously his favourite film of all time because he stood in front of the telly watching it & dragged Alfie up there with him
DEVA JU: The film is actually called 'Deja Vu' but Keef insists it's Deva Ju. He also INSISTED that my mother watched it. "It's not violent, yule like it, there's no violence innit, it's a farcking good filum. Deva Ju it's called"
He DID set up Alfie's Hornby train set on the living-room floor though. But he was striding across the carpet to go to the bog & he trod on his glasses. Smashed lens and the left-arm was bent outwards at an angle of 45 degrees. Luckily they were from the pound shop. It was quite funny watching him concentrating on the 'remember 20 items on a tea-tray' game: Smashed lens, arm of glasses sticking out at an alarming angle etc. And then he won a prize in Trixie's Christmas raffle: "Give my mother a kiss: He was in there! :o I didn't know where to put myself!
At 1am he was angling to stay here - obviously wanting to shack up with mother in the double bed upstairs What a vile thought Cockney Keef my step-dad? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :o :o :o :o
I took mother home on Boxing Day & when I got home she phoned me to thank me for a wonderful Christmas Yeah whatever! ;D
She was a bit 'egg-nogged' though & the message was : "My new year's resolution is to not lend or give you and Daisy any more money ever again"
THANKS MOM ;D Oh how it warmed my heart! ;D
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PART 2!
SATURDAY 29TH DECEMBER
This is my Auntie Lyn's birthday. Auntie Lyn & uncle John always invite us to their house on this day - it's a bit of a tradition!
They live in a 17th century HOOOOOOOOOOGE farmhouse on Kinder Scout in the Hope Valley. The driveway to the house is a mile long & the house is one of the most fantastic places I've ever seen (used to go there as a kid and loved it - still do!)
ANYWAY! My car isn't big enough to transport mother, Alfie, Daisy, Tyler and christmas presents over there so I have to hire a car. This is how the day begins ....
Off to Hertz Rentals for the estate car. Mother flatly refused to go in the boot of the Saab so had to hire a Ford Mondeo. Oh the shame No acceleration power at all. :'(
The Hertz rental man was the spitting image of Baldrick on Blackadder and was as a miserable as sin.
ME: 'I haven't got the paper part of my licence'
BALDRICK: 'I'm not bothered. dun't matter. I'm leaving in January anyway'
ME: 'I don't think I know my PIN no. for this credit card either'
BALDRICK: 'I'm not bothered. dun't matter. I'm leaving in January anyway'
ME:' Hertz cars not a very good firm to work for then?'
BALDRICK: 'Utter sh*t'
The only time he cracked a smile was when I asked him to show me where the 'on' button was on the car. It was on the TIP OF MY TONGUE to invite him over to Edale to the family 'do' but I checked myself on two counts:
A: The Cockney Keef debacle &
B: Mother had already refused to go in the boot of the Saab and I suspected the boot of a Ford Mondeo would be no different. Shame.
Hey ho and off we go ... to pick up Tyler & Daisy. She is uncannily full of the joys of spring (unlike Baldrick) but Tyler's in a strop. Probably because he's got a whiff of the impending family gathering. Canny lad.
I then give Daisy the annual briefing about what happens when mother is in the car on our way to Edale:
1. Do not have the CD on loud or she will feign death.
2. Tell her immediately that you had a lovely christmas and thank her again for the presents.
3. She gave you a Boots gift voucher & will want to know EXACTLY what you bought so be ready with a list
4. Say you're really looking forward to it this year and sing a jolly song if necessary.
ME: 'So what DID you buy with the gift voucher then? Let's rehearse!'
DD: 'Some hair dye, conditioner, make-up & three pregnancy tests'
I do wish she'd save these announcements for 'appropriate' times. When she announced she was pregnant with Tyler it was the same day my Uncle died and this time it was when I was in the middle of trying to accelerate a sh*tty Ford Mondeo estate up the slip-road of junction 26 of the M1.
After narrowly missing an Argos lorry & waving my apologies at the driver, I congratulated her (as every good mother should ;)) and spent 20 miles pleading with her not to tell mother..... just yet anyway.
Mother was in one of her 'I'm going to disagree with you whatever you say today' moods so it was probably just as well we delayed the announcement, otherwise the conversation would have been as follows.
DD: 'Granny! I'm going to have another baby'
MOTHER: 'No you're not'.
As it was, we had a few arguments about bizarre things. The colour of ET's light-up finger for example.
ARGUMENT 1: ET'S FINGER
ME: 'Awwwww yeah ET! He had his little green light up healing finger didn't he?'
MOTHER: 'IT WASN'T GREEN - IT WAS RED!'
DAISY: 'I thought it was yellow?'
ARGUMENT 2: DREW BARRYMORE
MOTHER: 'The little girl was sooooooooo sweet in it wasn't she'
Daisy: 'Was it Drew Barrymore Mum?'
MOTHER: 'NO IT WASN'T'
ME: 'Yes Daisy, definitely Drew Barrymore.'
MOTHER: 'Oh well it might have been. I don't even know who Drew Barrymore is.'
ME: 'She played the little girl in ET'
ARGUMENT 3: THE CHESHIRE CHEESE INN
ME: 'Oooh look! It's the Cheshire Cheese Inn! I always used to get excited when we got to here when I was a little girl. It meant we were nearly there'
MOTHER: 'Well it didn't USED to be called the Cheshire Cheese Inn.'
Of course The Cheshire Cheese Inn has been called that since time immemorial and has a large picture of a cheese on the sign outside - always has. But maybe ... just MAYBE it was originally called The Jaunty thingy & had a picture of a cheese on the sign by mistake
Shortly after the Jaunty thingy Cheese argument mother asks the one million dollar question:
MOTHER: 'So, Daisy. What did you buy with the voucher I gave you?'
I can see Daisy'ss face beaming from the back seat, grinning maniacally in my direction. My eyes are not on the road. She starts her list....
Daisy: 'Some hair dye .....'
MOTHER: 'Which one do you use Daisy.'
There ensued a welcome conversation about hair dye brands and I casually dropped in a story about a friend of mine who had a terrible reaction to hair dye and nearly died in the vain hope that all thoughts of what else was bought with the voucher would be forgotten. But no ......
Daisy: 'Some conditioner ...' (her eyes are boring into mine via the wing- mirror and she has a vile grin on her face. My eyes are pleading ... NO .... NO .... NO ......' :o
Daisy: 'And ....'
ME: 'I KNOW LET'S HAVE A CD ON!!!!'
MOTHER: 'Not too loud'
Daisy: 'Ooooh yes! Put track 3 on! Granny! Cockney Keef did this CD for you, forgot to tell you! This one is dedicated to YOU'
Marvin Gaye. Sexual Healing I don't know how I kept that bl**dy car on the road ::)
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WE ARRIVE AT OUR DESTINATION Nothing short of a miracle.
The more dreadful parts of the family (patronising Paula & down-trodden David) have already left. They always do when we're on the way. Funny that! But it's mutually convenient and comfortable that way
Cousin Jayne, her Indian husband Naresh & their 4 kids are there. At this juncture I need to tell you the story about my dear old Gran who always called Naresh 'Hashish' Something she'd obviously picked up at the WI ;D I will henceforth refer to him as Hashish because it's funnier - and he thinks so too ;D
It's Auntie Lyn's 70th birthday so cards & presents are exchanged & the gin comes out. Uncle John is very liberal with the gin & rather less liberal with the tonic. Before long Auntie Lyn's (in fact everybody's) eyes start swivelling (except mine - I'm on coffee ::) )
And the phone rings ..........
Before I tell the story of the phone conversation I need to set the scene! Cousin Ian (also significantly missing from the party) is obviously in some sort of debt with the National Westminster Bank and they have Auntie Lyn & Uncle John's phone number as his contact. The National Westminster Bank call centre (based in India) had telephoned this morning trying to trace him and were quite 'terse' with Uncle John about the whereabouts of his son.
Soooooooo .. as the gin hit the bloodstreams of everyone in the kitchen (big kitchen by the way!) & the kids were crying/laughing and people were chattering .. the phone started to ring.
Auntie Lyn picked it up
AUNTIE LYN: 'Hello ... hello (eyes swivelling) Who are you? Is that Sue? I can't hear you! JOHN! IT'S INDIA AGAIN!'
Uncle John gets very irate and starts shouting ...
'PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN ... WE TOLD YOU THIS MORNING! OUR SON DOES NOT LIVE AT THIS ADDRESS! PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN! WE ARE GOING TO REPORT THIS TO YOUR MANAGER! PUT THE PHONE DOWN LYN!'
Auntie Lyn put the phone down. Well you would, wouldn't you!
The phone rings again. Cousin Jayne answers it this time. Turns out it was
Hashish's (obviously Indian) mother phoning to wish Auntie Lyn a happy birthday.
AUNTIE LYN: 'Well it was a bad line ....'
Then all sorts of traditional things happened:
1. All the smokers sneak outside for a f*g & Uncle John locks all the smokers out.
We're not just talking about 'nipping outside the front door' for a smoke like you do in NORMAL houses though. We're talking about a farmhouse half-way up Kinder Scout in the pitch black with the wind whipping your knickers off and torrential rain beating your hairstyle to death. Think 'Wuthering Heights' meets 'The Blair Witch Project' in a force 10 gale.
But this year Hashish has hatched a cunning plan (unlike Baldrick in Hertz Rental) He has found a conservatory/shack type thing round the back of the farmhouse so we all troup off with our Peter Storm anoraks on and sit chuffing away with uncle John's geraniums he's brought in for the winter. We then hide the f*g ends in plant pots.
This is ok apparently because the f*g ends will never be discovered. Uncle John has a grand total of 509 (they've been counted) plant pots situated around the outside of the house, all full of soil & in various conservatories & greenhouses. Only about 7 of them have bulbs in so we're on a safe bet.
EVENTUALLY (swivelling eyes etc) ... Auntie Lyn manages to serve up the traditional buffet supper in the main dining room. Everybody cermoniously sits down and Uncle John makes his usual announcement:
'RIGHT! I'm off to feed the chickens'
Then 20 minutes later he makes his usual entrance, shortly after he's appeared at the dining room window with a torch under his chin looking like Jack Nicholson from the Shining EVERY year without fail ::)
It didn't go down very well this year though. 2 X 2yr olds and 2 X 5yrs olds scared witless & having hysterics over the Philadelphia stuffed celery chunks
He was unperturbed though, went into his sacred study (no-one else is allowed into it) and fired up the stereo sound system that is wired through the entire house.
This year is was Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries (clip below for anyone who wants to relive the experience from an auditory point of view) on full blast.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=6-ACv3NohLI
I don't know if you've ever tried to do it, but singing 'Happy Birthday Auntie Lyyyyyyyyyyyn' over the top of a Wagner classic is really quite difficult.
I decided it was time to go @ 7pm. Hashish & Jayne were a bit disappointed I think. After all, they'd got to stay another night.
We shovelled ourselves in the Ford Mondeo and began the journey down the mile-long drive to the main road. What a beautiful evening after all We could see all the stars in the sky & we had the warm glow of a family reunion behind us We got to end of the drive ... ;D
ME: 'Oh look! I think the gate's open!'
MOTHER: 'NO IT'S NOT!'
ME: 'Well can you just nip out and open it then?'
As me and Daisy, Alfie & Tyler sat waiting in the Ford Mondeo for mother to lock the gate, we looked at the very dark lane above us, the very dark road ahead, the starry sky above & the looming shadows of Mam Tor opposite. We turned to each other and smiled - as only mothers do when they have a child/grandchild on the way It was a VERY special moment
Daisy: 'Mum ...'
ME: 'Yes Daisy'
Daisy: 'Shall we drive off and leave Granny there?'
ME: 'Don't farcking tempt me!'
There is no mobile phone reception in my Uncle's house but I had a 'bleep bleep bleep' message from 901 when I got into a civilized area (not Chesterfield)
7:33: 'What are you doing for New Years Eve?' Cockney Keef ::)
SUNDAY 30TH DECEMBER
After 3 days of sneaking in & out of the house I've been finally collared by Keef who was lurking behind the telegraph pole outside my house this morning
Invited himself round for New Year's Eve despite my high-pitched protestations. I'm not celebrating, going to bed early etc.
KEEF: 'Naaaaaaaaahhhh I'm not farcking stoppin'. I'll just bring Diane round (some strange woman with a fizzy perm that sometimes appears outside his garage in an orange Reliant Robin with a small jack russel) and one bottle of sherry. OH YEAH! And a vid for the kids. I've got that one ... what's it farckin' called?? Farckin' 'ell! Oh yeah! The Face in the Mask or The Mask in the Face or summat like that. No violerrnce nor nuffink like that. I'll ring ya! What you drivin' a farckin' Mondeo foor anyway'
*** SIGH ::) ***
OPEN HOUSE NEXT CHRISTMAS BY THE WAY! EVERYONE WELCOME AND WHY NOT!
Hope you had a very (comparatively) Merry Christmas & wishing you all a very Happy New 'Keef-less' Year ;D
Love Trixie & Alfie XXX
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Don't know what to say, Trixie, you type faster than I can read (must be something int he gin).
::) ;D ::) :o :D :) ;) :) :) :) :) :)
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I never touch Gin Asbean!
I wrote the whole story out to post on here but I had some restrictions! Typed too many words so I had to copy and paste ;D
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Isn't Christmas just wonderful!!!
Trixie - you don't write sitcoms do you? I'm going to nominate you to write next years Christmas Special!!!
Can't wait for the New Year installment!
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TIN SHED! Thanks! I've been told, cajoled and downright BULLIED about writing sitcoms/books etc. The thing is though ... if it all got published then all the members of my family would probably cut me out of their wills!
Actually ... that's no bad thing. They've already cut me out anyway & they've got bugger all to leave me ;D
Maybe if I adopt a pen-name? Wilhemena Shakespeare? Georgiana Orwelltinsel? Rudyard Trixiebling?
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well m sat here with tears running down my face lol sorry to laugh at your misfortune but it was funny :D
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oh, the season of goodwill to all men !!! we ended up having extended stay with MIL after someone the family knows died. Wait til my mum hears, she'll be furious when she's worked out how many days they got vs her !
Thank god it only comes once a year :D
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Rudyard Trixiebling has a definite ring to it!
As for cutting you out of their will etc.......I think they will be queueing up to be in the next installment!
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Well, that cheered me up enormously. You'll laugh about it all one day - like Kenneth Williams in "Carry on Screaming" ;D
hideous slur on the good people of Chesterfield btw
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AY! RHUBARB!
I went to Chesterfield once ... DON'T MAKE ME RECOUNT THE TALE!
"Do you mind if I smoke?"
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I'm looking forward the the New Year's Eve installment
FOUL
FEET
SMELL
SOMETHING ORRIBLE
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Blimey - me and Oh had a v quiet time in comparison - hope you're feeling rested and recovered and ready for the New Year shennanigans ;D (not sure shennaninghans is spelt that way exactly.....)
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You'll laugh when you look back on it, Trixie! Thanks for making us all feel as if we got off lightly!
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thank you pmsl ;D
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OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAKE NO MISTAKE!
You all got off lightly ;)
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hi trixie
well i must say you should be like me lock the door and hide turn all the lights out and put a note on the door not f---king home sod off
or gone on a cruise for new year lol
well ty hon i just sat and read this to my wife and we had a good giggle sorry lol so where do you live and can i bring me dog lol
have a great new year all
sean and sherry
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Sounds like a fairly normal Christmas in comparison to what goes on round this neighbourhood.
;D
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You are absolutely hilarious Trixie. I am sore laughing at your tale of woe. Please o please get some of your stories to a publisher you have a way with words gal. Roll on the next instalment.
I have realised I lead a very very dull life.
;D ;D
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oh my gawd, what a larf. ;D
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Well I just read this out loud to John, he is now choking on his tea, he is making voice noises so I think he will live,
Trixie I thought nothing could even remotely top some of the Christmas days we have had, like the one when Dad took an old woman in at the door who was knocking on all the doors to say Merry Christmas, daft as a brush Dad asked her why she did it...........she explained she hadn't got a soul in the world, it was only later that we found she went home with more than we gave her that we realised she was con,she was caught however cos she made the mistake of knocking on my door further down the road in the same village on Boxing Day.
Trix even that pales next to your adventures with you priceless rellies. Will you please tell us the tale about when Daisy finally does tell you Mum about the new arrival.
I shall look forward to new Years Eve and in fact I think you should keep this one open and add to it as the year progresses, finishing with next Christmas day for comparison.
Whever I feel sorry for myself as I shall look for the Trixie page and know I will snap out of it.
Bless you my love and Alfie too..oh what the heck all of em, Happy new Year XX Jeannine
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CAROL!!!!
Nobody leads a dull life! It's just how you look at it :)
Trix XX
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Brilliant Trixiebell....thanks for that. ;D
Ours was sorta similar but diluted. :)
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Thanks Jeannine! Me & Alf are waiting for a Chinese meal ;D
There's nothing like monosodiumglutomate to fuel a lovely evening ;D
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god, I thought we had a mad time..and next year, you'll do it all again ;D
by the way, there's 14 of us, will we all fit ;D
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Now that's that's a jolly good idea, Christmas with Trixie and her rellies, hey I could go for that, I could wear my net frock, my dead fur thingy that Mum used to pop round her neck that has been packed away for decades and my silver sandals and John could wear the 1940 top hat and tails he wear on Halloween, we are couth, we will fit in.Don't worry about diluting the gin, I prefer Brasso and lime anyway. I can do a good turn if called upon. My acrobat days might be over but my tap shoes still fit.... " On the Good Ship..."
Gosh I must stop, I am coming over all 'oh be joyful'
I don't need a gilded invite
xx jEANNINE
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There used to be at least 12 of us every year, highly stressed - extended family and all that - we are down to three, and we now really value our QUIET Christmases.
BTW Trixie - it's me that drinks the gin - slows down my reading ... ... ;) ;) ;)
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Trixie - we're coming to yours for next Christmas. Eastenders has nothing on you! At least you can laugh! O x
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ALL WELCOME ;D
NOBODY KNOWS WHERE I LIVE ;D
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OH yes I do !!
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You offered, Trixie! I'm going to sort out the Teepee that sleeps 6 people - Trixie, can you work out where it should go please?!?! Room for 3 more, guys!
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I thought my old pa-in-law could keep the attention of an audience with his stories but blimey you could beat him hands down. I would sit and listen to him and tears would roll down my face, have just done the same reading your story. Won't Alfie have some tales to tell to his children!!
BTW I drive a Ford Mondeo Estate sorry :'( plenty of room for the mad dog and I think my mechanic Grandson must have given it extra poke It can really go or maybe it's cos I am getting old ;D ;D ;D.
Happy New Year.
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahaha.Would love to have been a fly on the wall. (possibly not for the pukey bits though :-X)
Save a space for me in the teepee Ollie, I'll bring the gin ;)
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Genius. We are not worthy. I spent a very quiet Christmas with my father in Sheffield, crying with laughter over the disappearance of our friend's Morrisons' shopping trolley (he was convinced my dad had spent the previous 24 hours disguised as a red mullet on the fish counter in order to nick it - I had visions of it making its way to his house on Christmas day, nosing against the front window where it could see all the presents and the food in the warm)... nothing as glorious as yours though. You do have an enormous talent, trix. :)
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Chez Brenton we had a gloriously quiet Christmas Day thanks to daughter no. 1 being in Morocco or Spain backpacking and son no 1 having Christmas day at his own home. Boxing Day was, for use, the extended family day. Son had me arrange a table for 14 at the Crown Plaza in Nottingham for me, Mrs. DJB, daughter no. 2, son, daughter in law, her mum, auntie and uncle and her barking mad grandparents, all from up north somewhere. We had arranged to meet at 12 which was, as it turned out, when the phone calls for further directions started. The various parties were, at all times, within 200 yds of the hotel but lost. Repeated simple directions failed to get any of the participants there so eventually I asked three of the parties what they could see, instructed them to stop where they were and trudged around Notiingham in brand new stiff shoes rounding them up into a convoy.
Dinner was uneventful and the food was excellent. Her mad grandparents then took charge of after-dinner entertainment which is apparently traditional. The 'highlight' of which was the Christmas lucky dip. Lucky dip, is easy to organise. All you do is have various presents in a bag and you take one out at random, but mad grandma has a far more tortuous method. She has an advent calender with just numbers 1-14 left and you rip one off then get the corresponding present. How much more fun is that eh? I got the star prize, a can of Murphies. Others got pens from the bookies , chipped mugs and a two year old box of chocolates. The really sad thing is that after two bottles of wine I really enjoyed myself. Roll on next Christmas.
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;D ;D ;D
Excellent, DJB! Are you taking bookings for 2008?
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Brilliant Trixiebelle - I wish I could recount stories like that! Our Christmas/New Year always has something go wrong (thanks to the inlaws) - but I could never manage to write it down in the same way. What a talent ;D
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Great News TB! The Farrelly Brothers have agreed to direct the movie! We've got Sandra Bullock as you, and it's a fight between Barbra Streisand and Meryl Streep for your Mum. Ben Stiller wants in, so long as there's a Zipper Related Incident, and Jonathon Richman's going to wander about Hope Valley singing "There's Something About Trixie" ;D
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;D ;D ;D at The Christmas Tale and the comments. Loved it all 8)
Jeannine, that fur thingy's called a tippet - believe they're coming back into fashion so get it out of the mothballs. Is your mum's the sort that has a fox's head one end and its feet the other? Smart or wot!
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ALL WELCOME ;D
NOBODY KNOWS WHERE I LIVE ;D
Just up the road from me,you just follow the warning signs,"ma duck". ;D
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ARGGGHHHHHHHH ;D
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Lish,My furry thing is actually beautiful, can't wear it, can't chuck it, but yes it is a silver fox, complete with head and feet, goes well with the silver shoes!!
I have just recently cut up Mums fur coat, we have found at school that stroking fur calms angry children so Mum, would be thrilled that her precious coat that I couldn't actually wear has been put to a good use. We got a lot of foot squares from it and even the real tough 10 year olds love it.
Morning Trixie, are we worrying you now!! Love you dearly darling, I promise I will wear my Attends and I will not eat eggs, beans, sprouts or onions the day before I come.
XX Jeannine
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NOBODY KNOWS WHERE I LIVE ;D
What a thought!! All this MADNESS could be going on NEXT DOOR!! RIGHT NOW!!! ;D
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So it's called a tippet then.......well we have a headless one, curtesy of my mother in law........the head has fallen off/been removed and all we have left is the flat furry body bot with four little legs on each corner!
Even the cats give it a wide berth!!!!
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My grandmother had one, I remember pretending it was a pet cat - the nearest thing I could get to the real thing at the time, I think I was about 5-6 years old at the time.
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I've got one that looks like it's been made out of weasels ::)
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well trix my love i topped yours i think you gave me your virus i have heard about these on the net and i am sure you breathed it on me i just got home from hospital i have severe food poisoning not bad huh the sods wnats me to stay but i talked them in to me bed at home lol
so please at 12 tonite rmember poor little me doubled up in pain you rat
hugs all have a great new year
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I just had to revive this one.. we need a laugh, you need to read it from the start. XX Jeannine
Oh yes..almost forgot, I can be bribed to share Trixies address.. tempt me, I'me easy.
Put the sprouts on now, do you have enough!!
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you're a naughty person Jeannine, bumping this thread. Personally i've got tears of laughter running down my legs.......but for poor Trixie being reminded of all this could send her over the edge :D
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(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn200/northamptonpagans/teaspittin.gif)(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn200/northamptonpagans/teaspittin.gif)(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn200/northamptonpagans/teaspittin.gif)(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn200/northamptonpagans/ten.gif)
Thanks Jeanine.........so very funny Trixie(http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn200/northamptonpagans/beam.gif)
You take a bribe you say, J?....................................Hmmmmmm 8) ;D
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What the ?????
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H, this (one of the many of Trixie's classic stories ::)) was mentioned in Roo's thread, here:- http://www.allotments4all.co.uk/smf/index.php/topic,45777.0.html
which is why it got bumped...
xxx
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Remember it Li...er Hyacinth...just my instant reaction to seeing the word "Christmas" in September lol.
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....heard White Christmas being played in the shops yet, H? I have...back-end of August, it was. Same shop was selling pre-decorated Christmas trees AND Easter eggs :o
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Come on folks, lets bump something else for the newbies.
XX Jeannine
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Come on folks, lets bump something else for the newbies.
XX Jeannine
OK, agree with the laff, and it's a great idea, but I've got friends lining up the drinks in the pub (hopefully) for 1.30 crash-down, followed by crash-out abt 3.00??) so I can't do a trawl right now....so......Littlest Pumkin, & Pass-the-Parcel 'Give me Sunshine' get my all-time vote right now?.....
XXX (see, I've copied you, J......once-upon-a -time I used to sign off "xxx" ....see how OTT and promiscuous knowing you has made me?)
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my all time favourite was the ambush on the online letters page of the Kingston on Thames (?) newspaper about Culling All The Pigeons, posted by Hyacinth under her previous identity. Ooh! It's still there!
http://www.surreycomet.co.uk/news/1039169.marksman_called_in_to_kill_kingstons_pigeons/ (http://www.surreycomet.co.uk/news/1039169.marksman_called_in_to_kill_kingstons_pigeons/)
i also like Iggy Pop Backstage Concert Requirements from the Smokinggun website, but that had Industrial Levels of Swearing, so you'll have to find that yourselves
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Hyacinth-Li are those all your postings??? ;)
Must have been fun!
T.
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who did the nick names for fellow allotment holders, that had me in stitches ;D
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I can sort-ov remember posting the culling pigeons thread in the Watershed praps? it got sent me & was too good not to share. Thanks for the reminder ;D ;D ;D
Just now, tho, while me Pigs Trotter's been boiling dry in the kitchen without the fan on, resulting in all me sticky-onny hooks coming off the walls and the pans and utensils there crashing down, been re-reading the Littlest Pumkin thread.....thanks Katy for finding and posting it 8)
Jeannine....another laugh for today with memories of that? Hope so!!
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Lottie names was me,;ll find it XX Jeannine
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I am hyperventilating :o
NINE MONTHS IN THERAPY to get over this and Jeannine BUMPS IT ;D
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hope the therapy wasn't too expensive, cus i'm not sure erm if it worked ;D
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It worked to a CERTAIN extent RT. I was able to look at tinsel for a whole TEN MINUTES before I was referred for ECT.
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only 89 days to go!
have you thought of turning Jewish?
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Even if I did it wouldn't deter my mother.
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what's the difference between a Jewish mother and a rottweiler?
eventually a rottweiler lets go
well I often think of turning Jewish when Slade starts coming on in the shops. I mean, what have I got to lose?
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Oh gee, I am so sorry Trixie....not.!!
XX Jeannine
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No wonder I get out the country every Christmas with people like Trixie
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Where do you keep it the rest of the year?
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Any normal Thursday you will find me down the dole office bluffing mi way out of work ;D
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That completes the picture.
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Why not I have paid my 43 years stamps in to this system, why pay any more in?, I screw them for what I can get and I'm not even 15 and pregnant ;)
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I do not believe a word of it Mr Smith.You are a wind up merchant. :)
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Yep, but not one of the best I fear..
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Betula, I have paid in 43 years stamps and a little bit more on the top and yes I might be winding folk up but I do still work part time and the the first time I take the pee out of this great country will be the first being having served in the Brit army
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;D ;D ;D ;D.....the very thought of Mr Smith with a f*g and a pushchair, wearing a mini skirt and tiny t shirt so his gut hangs out, marching along the high street has sent me upstairs to do the ironing. :o ;D
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Emaggie, I'm not some Essex Minger but I do like your description of one, do you have a personal problem you want to tell me about ;D
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To date I've paid 49 years worth of stamps and am still paying. I also served my time in the forces. (4 years active service in among). SO what's new? Everyone does their bit one way or another.
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Betula, I have paid in 43 years stamps and a little bit more on the top and yes I might be winding folk up but I do still work part time and the the first time I take the pee out of this great country will be the first being having served in the Brit army
I remember postings you made a long time ago and you did not carry on like you do now.I reckon you do work and you are a pretty regular kind of guy.My guess is you respond badly to the pop. :)
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Kenkew, you are my hero, join the club I'll show you the hole in mi back ;)
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this was a really funny thread, before ::)
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i'll have you know I fought in the last war for young folk like you! but they didn't give me one ;D
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Send me your one pic Mr Smith and I'll send you all three of mine.
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Betula, I struggle to find Tizer these days if you mean that pop, I have ulcers thinking about Labour getting in again at the next election so I'm not a drinker ;D ;D
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Kenkew, don't think so I would not send anything by e-mail to Belgium I could end up on some list,
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Still don,t believe you Mr Smith. :)
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Betula, I'm not worried about Labour getting in again? you want to bet?
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Emaggie, I'm not some Essex Minger but I do like your description of one, do you have a personal problem you want to tell me about ;D
Nah, I'll keep it to meself fanks. ;D ;)
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Cheers Emaggie, at least the flies will keep away ;D
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Ooooh, Mr Smith!!!! :o :o :o
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Kenkew, you are my hero, join the club I'll show you the hole in mi back ;)
I think you'll find Mr Smith, that everyone has a hole in their back. it's just that most people don't want to swap pictures of it
unless you know different
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I struggle to find Tizer these days
"Tizer - THE appetizer!".....ahh, that was a good drop of pop, that was 8)
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You can still buy it I think :)
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Sorry Trixie, I think I started the rubbish that spoilt your thread mybe we can get back to it.
Is the funny fella who fancies your Mum coming again this year, has he mellowed or got worse.
XX Jeannine
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Siiiiiiiioolent Niiiight hooooollleeeeeey niiiiiight aaaalllll iiiizzz caaalm aaaalll iiizz briiight
all together now
siiiiiiooolent niiight......
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Oh I must light a candle to sing this one. XX Jeannine
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Kenkew, you are my hero, join the club I'll show you the hole in mi back ;)
I think you'll find Mr Smith, that everyone has a hole in their back. it's just that most people don't want to swap pictures of it
unless you know different
;D ;D
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PMSL RHUBARB ;D
FORTUNATELY Cockney Keef has 'done a runner' from the garage next door, owing several hundred pounds on the rates and electricity. Last seen staggering over a main road in the Nottingham area and NEARLY MISSED by someone that knows him in a car that was going at substantial speed.
I am BEREFT of Christmas day guests. Maybe Mr. Smith would oblige?
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Oh Trixie, what a shame about him..he was funny, I hope your Mum isn't too bereft.
So what are you cooking this year and how is Mum.
What do you do on her birthdays by the way..and what does she do on yours. Come on Trix, your posts are the highlight of my week and I would just love to meet Mum, meanwhile keep us imformed.
Come to think of it, I don't remember reading much about Ahmed recently, or Alfie.
XX Jeannine
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Missed this last year, but tickled me pink with the bumping of the thread ;D
Oooh Trixie, cant tell you how much I love your words and yes would love to read your book when its ready ;D
Just one question, the grandchild? Did I miss the birth? No doubt there was a happy ending and a tale to tell :)
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I have to admit I was wondering too Trixie, hope all went well.
I'm sorry I joined in with all the cr*p, I much prefer your humour any day. :-[
How is the Alfie boy? Will he be starring in 'The Christmas Play'?
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Bump..you have just got to read this one
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Come back, Trixie, love your stories ;D
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And I'm trying to get hold of some of your soap. :-\ ??? ;D ;D ;D
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I'm confused (no change there then)Who's Trixie ?
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Trixie, is a darling gal who is haveing some time off, she brought a real spark of life to the forum which I am sure many of us miss, she also made the best gardeners soap ever.I understand she is very busy. We need her to get herself back and am hoping she will be able to manage it. I keep trying.
So come on gal, get yourself home!!
I think we may get lucky soon...have a feeling in my knees!!!
XX Jeannine
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http://www.stoneconsortium.net/soaps.htm (http://www.stoneconsortium.net/soaps.htm)
Here's a link Kev!
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thank you, thank you, thank you for bumping this thread, Trixie is hilarious and i wish i was around when she was posting, i would def purchase a book if she wrote one as she writes in a way that you are transported into the room like a voyeur whatching the goings on
BRILLIANT XXXXXXXX
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Cheers Grawrc, I lost the link when my puter went poof. ;D ;D ;D
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Come on Trix. you can see how we need you XX Jeannine
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HA HA HA Trixie's story was one of the funniest things I have read in ages! let's hope she brings back this wonderful stuff soon!
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I've got a few stories about mt my mates daft wife I'll jot a few down on a bit of paper and post when I've put a few together. ;D ;D ;D
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Put them on a new post XX Jeannine