Allotments 4 All
General => The Shed => Topic started by: ciaozzy on January 23, 2004, 14:36:56
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Yo peeps
as winter iz almost gone and we have had lots of good fun in the lull b4 spring.. whats your fav joke?
Mine is
Q:
What did the Ulsterman say after losing £2000.00 on the horses?
A:
I'm not feeling too grand :)
The perfect man, the perfect woman and Santa are in an elevator travelling up t the top
floor, on the floor of the elevator is a £20.00 note,
Who picks up the money?
A:
The perfect woman off course cuz...... the other 2 don't exist...
How many married men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.. they get the wife to do it...
what goes "tooh tooh"
an owl with his head on back to front.
know some rudey ones but....
Oz
xxxxx
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Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my bum
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no grey
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a
job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If
we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
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LOL love your reply granny smith ;D will be reciting that little prayer tonite :)
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I am terrible at remembering jokes. The only one I can remember is (and I put in here as a tribute to Spalding Gray, wherever he may be :'():
A skeleton walked into a pub and asked for a beer and a mop
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Love 'em all.........but 'specially Granny's!!!
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Great thread Ozzy,mine is old but still my favourite;
Bin man to Chinese man- Where's your bin.
Chinese man to bin man- I bin a Hong Kong
Bin man to Chinese man- No, wheres your BIN
Chinese man to Bin man- I bin a HONG KONG
Bin man to Chinese man- NO, WHERE'S YOUR WHEELIE BIN
Chinese man to Bin man - I WEELIE BIN A HONG KONG
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Keep 'em coming I think that we are all missing our HUGHand his jokes.
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One to follow for you BB! Here s a groaner for all you vegie gardeners!!
A bloke goes to the doctors and says “Doctor I know this is going to sound a little strange but I have noticed I have lettuce leaves growing from my bottom”. The Doctor says “Excuse me, did you just say that you had lettuce leaves growing from your bottom?”
The Bloke replied, “Yeah that’s right”.
The Doctor asked him when he first noticed this strange occurrence happening to his body.
The man answered, “it must have been a couple of days ago that I first noticed but my main concern is that this could only be the tip of the iceberg”.
Told you it was a groaner!
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Here's one for BB!!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change the bird's belligerent attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John,
in desperation, threw up his hands in dismay, then grabbed the bird and
stuck him in the freezer, slamming the door with a thud. For a few minutes
the parrot squawked, violently kicked the interior walls and screamed
then,
suddenly, there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute, then two minutes went by without a
single sound....
Fe aring that the parrot was injured, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm. Then
the parrot said in the most polite tone, "I believe I may have offended
you
with my rude language and actions". The parrot continued, "I'm sincerely
remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour. I can
assure
you, this will never ever happen again".
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour....
The parrot continued, "Just out of curiosity, may I ask what the turkey
did?"
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Oh Dottie P thats a good'un thanks.
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Many of my favorites aren't suitable for these boards however..........
Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party.............
........... dressed as a goat!
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Great jokes. Gave me a right giggle.
Pity i cant reciprocate. I just can never remember jokes i am told.
Speaking of jokes. Does anyone know where Hugh is? I miss his scythe like wit and wisdom.
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Why did the rabbit laugh? Because he had a hare up his bum.
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A favourite with some of my Irish friends -
Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme
had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for 1 million euros you've only got one lifeline left: - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin,
(b) Sparrow,
(c) Cuckoo, or
(d) Thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, - "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon.".
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"Dat I am Mick" said Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter
screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've
won 1 million euro!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was
the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean
you know nothing about birds."
Paddy laughed and replied "To be sure Mick, it's easy. Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
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Heres one i heard this morning on the radio. I'll tell it now before i forget it!
Three pigs go to a restaurant.
Waiter comes up to them and asks them what they'd like to drink.
First Pig orders a Beer, the second orders wine.
the third pig orders lots and lots of water(?)
When it comes to ordering the main course, The first pig orders Roast Beef with all the trimmings. The second orders Steak and Chips. The third when asked orders lots and lots of water.
Time comes to order desert. First pig orders Apple pie and custard. The second orders ice cream. The third pig orders lots and lots of water.
Time passes, then its time for coffee. First pig has his black no sugar. the second has a shot of brandy in his, but the third pig asks for lots and lots of water(!).
When the pigs go to pay for the meal, the waiter asks the third pig; "Your friends have all had lovely meals, yet all you haver had is water!" "I know" says the third pig, " but someones got to go Wee Wee Wee all the way home!" ;D ;D ;D
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Richard - groooaaaannn! :D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Aquilegia
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What is the difference btween a cows tail and a mans tie?
a cow tail covers the whole ars*hole
soz peeps if you have already heard/read this but funny feminist jokey deserves own boardy cuz iz dead dead funny
I dont wear ties me... wear socks though speshly in this coldy weather.. brrrrr brrrr
Oz brrrrrrr
xxxbrrrxxbrrxxxx
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OK, not particularly PC.............but......one of my fav'es:
A small guy steps into an elevator in NY, looks up and notices this huge dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch thingy, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big guy reaches down picks him up, brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him and asks," What's wrong with you?"
The small guy, color drained from his face says, "Excuse me but what did you say just then?"
The big dude looks down at him and repeats, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penls, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Oh thank God for that! I thought you said 'Turn around'.
;)
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Oh, and if you will excuse some of the language and inferences........(readers of a weak disposition, please skip this one)........some wise thoughts from Confucious:
Confucius Says ...
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virgin just like balloon ... one prlck, all gone.
Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk.
Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist.
Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who marry Richard must kiss Dick.
Man with hand in pocket feel c0cky all day.
Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter
Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches.
Man who loses key to lady's apartment get no new-key.
Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers...
War do not determine who right, war determine who left.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Girl who sit on judge's lap get an honourable discharge.
Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who farts in church sits in own pew.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.
Passionate kiss just like spider web - lead to undoing of fly.
Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.
Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get tit-bit.
Man who put rooster in Ice Compartment take out Stiff C0ck.
No difference between man and mouse - both end in girl thingy.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
.........sorry if offended anyone.........I took out a few of the worst ones........ :-/
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WHAT IS A CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: THEY'RE TINY WOMEN IN LITTLE FUR COATS.
WHAT IS A DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in
the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear
you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: THEY'RE TINY MEN IN LITTLE FUR COATS.
Kate
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Muddy - according to that evidence, apart from the last two, I appear to be a man :-/
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Aqui
Kate
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Yo Ava
brill mahn had me stitches.
peeps who excels with putting worm on hook.... could be a poll there ?
how old was you when you done your first wormy hooky thang?
A: 11
B: 12
C: 13
D: 50
Spring is near I swear it.. can feel it in me fingers can feel it in me toes I does :)
Oz
xxx
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No need to swear Oz, you iz just a spring! ;D
Kate
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lol you are so funny ava love em keep coming my kind of jokes ;D ;D ;D
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okay, my contributions.....
"My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*##ing red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."
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Couple more.......
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said - "Well, you've succeeded."
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Ooooooooooh I like those EJ,
really enjoyed them, needed a laugh tonite
Thanks.
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:D :D :D EJ n Ava - u av got me lmfho!!!!!!! Lovin the confucious stuff, lovin the "men is not v good" stuff..
Some faves...
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a nun on a bicycle?
A cyclist
A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"
A bear walks into a bar, says to the barman "a pint of ...........................................lager please"
Barman says "why the big paws"
And my favorite...
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first piece of string goes up to the bar and says "three pints of lager please mr barman"
Barman says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here"
Despondantly the piece of string goes back to his mates (who've now found an empty table) and says "sorry, won't serve pieces of string, maybe we should try somewhere more string friendly"
The other two pieces of string decide to give it another go, and the second piece of string puts on a false mustache, a hat and some glasses and goes up to the bar
"three pints of lager please mr barman" says the piece of disguised string"
"your e a piece of string aren't you" says the barman "I can't serve you" and walks off
The second piece of string goes back to his mates with a sad look on his face, and of course, no lager
The third piece of string says "sod this, I know what to do"
He rolls up his bottom half into a ball, backcombs his top half and waddles up to the bar
"Three pints of lager please mr barman" he says, nonchalantly
"Are you a piece of string" says the barman
The third piece of string says.......................................................................................................
"No, I'm afraid not"
;)
This is more effective when spoken - so for those who missed it the last line should really read
"No, I'm a frayed knot"
I bludy love that joke ;D
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What do scalectrix and breasts have in common?
They're both intended for children, but it's always the fathers that end up playing with them
What's 6 inches long and get's women excited
A £50 note..
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hahahaha very good mystic, I likes!