Topic: Moral Issue about Adoption

[zigzig]

40 Years ago a baby was adopted by a loving couple. Sadly both of them died before he was 20.

He engaged a private eye to trace his birth mother, not hard, the family still lived at the address she lived at when he was born and the investigator spoke to the grandmother who gave all the details about the family and felt sure that the natural mother would be delighted to hear from him. He left his address so that his natural mother could write to him

He never wanted to move into their established lives, all he wanted was to be 'in contact' like any long lost relative. Exchange Christmas cards and a letter every year. Although was prepared to become more involved, if invited.

What he did not expect was a letter from his birth mother telling him that she wanted nothing to do with him and that her husband knew nothing of his existance and he would ruin her marriage if the husband ever knew about his existance. She had a new life and family and wanted to be left alone.

Disappointed, he left the matter.

However, he has now discovered that the children from the new union. His half blood are on facebook.  (no need to go into the reasons why, some people put far too much on their facebook sites so it was not hard to verify the facts) They are now adults too.

He can follow their lives on line very easily.

He has no family other than the children by his marriage and feels it would be wonderful to have siblings, aunts and uncles who are his natural relatives as friends. His children know, his wife does too.

The question is.....Should he contact them  or not?

[ACE]

NO

[luckycharlie]

   Was about to say the same a definite NO

[elvis2003]

What a heart tugging dilema,how long ago did the birth mother send that letter? I feel so much for this chap,and hope it was only recent so she may have a change of heart

[brownowl23]

this is really hard,  you dont say much about the birth mothers background but it could be that  his birth brought shame on her and her family

She obviously hasnt told anoyone so contact with his half siblings could instigate a big family fued, ie why wernt they told about him, and could break up a mariage at worst.

I can fully understand his feeling of need to contact his half siblings but whislst his MUM is alive this might not be the best thing to do.

So after all that rambling my answer hard as it is would be NO

[Emagggie]

No. Maybe he would be setting himself up for more heartbreak and disappointment. All best left while the birth mother is still alive.

[Jeannine]

Sadly, NO

[susan1]

I, from experience , would say yes, siblings may or may not give him some answers that have been in his head for years, but I would also say go ahead with caution and be prepared for further rejection :'(

[wraith]

I pondered this for quite sometime before writing this reply....

I see that pretty much the advice give has been to not make contact... However, I would say YES make contact and my reasons are quite simple...

Firstly, he contacted his mother ( I use the word 'mother' as I personally distinguish between 'Mother' and 'Mum' as well as 'Father' and 'Dad... any fool and idiot can be a mother or father, but it takes a lot more to be a 'Mum' or a 'Dad'...) anyway, he contacted his 'mother' and she spurned him... Her reasons were purely selfish and there wa zero consideration for his feelings...!! Based on this alone I would ask exactly what loyalty or consideration does he owe his mother..? NONE in my book...

Secondly, his siblings are contactable, they are now adults and as such are able and oblidged to make their own decisions with regard to things... If they too shun him, so be it, but indeed it is THEIR decision to make and consideration for his birth mother should not form part of the decision to, or not to contact them...!!

If through him contacting them, it causes some friction for his birth mother... Hard luck... Part of raising children is the difficulties, troubles and heartaches they produce, emothions clearly that his mother has chosen to dispense with with regard to him...

If indeed it does cause some friction for her, then that should be of no concern to him whatsoever, as she has clearly shown him no concern whatsoever...


wraith

[GrannieAnnie]

Though his siblings might be delighted to meet him, if it happened to cause the demise of their parents' marriage they might be more sorry that he entered their lives. I'd advise not to contact them.

I have a good friend whose  unmarried birth mother had given her up for adoption. She was adopted by two alcoholics. It was difficult but she grew up and when her adoptive parents died (early) she married and had her own family and became a grand-mother. She found out who her birth mother was and couldn't decide whether or not to contact her. She prayed about it and decided she would send her a letter and ask if her mother wanted to meet with her or not, and if she didn't she would not persue it. Her mother (who it turned out was wealthy and very well connected socially) was not interested so my friend decided that was God's answer and dropped it.

Some years later she rec'd a call from her half-sister. The letter had been found in her birth mother's belongings after death and the half-sister was eager to meet her which they did. Surprisingly, the half-sister despite all the money etc. had made nothing of her life and was rather an unemployed hermit, some would say a mess, in comparison with my friend who had none of the advantages yet has built herself a healthy happy life. So she is not trying to aid her  new sister.  Interesting how life goes sometimes when we don't force things our way.

[GrannieAnnie]

I was trying to write She IS NOW trying to help her half-sister.
Sorry for that error.

[Jeannine]

I agree to a point,but... contacting the siblings may be more than rejection or acceptance. They obviously don't know anything about this, and as we have no idea what is going on in there lives it may be imprudent to contact them.

If they are sound, secure people with basic lives it may be OK, but if they are ill or depressed or going through family traumas or indeed any traumas they may not be able to deal with such a shock. It may mean they confront  their Mum, thereby causing stess to her and others,it may split a family into two camps, one supporting Mum others not  .. there are so many ifs..

The mother could have all manner of reasons for saying what she did, it may well be something she has to say rathe than wants to say. Fear of rejection from her own family, wrath from her husband, I can think of many reasons why she would prefer to keep the secret.

Personally I wouldn't risk hurting the siblings or indeed her by chancing something.

Maybe further down the road when the mother is deceased may be a time to contact the other family.

I see your point in a way..bt so many folks could get hurt here..my abswer would still have to be sadly no.

XX Jeannine

[.]

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 NO.
 
And still 

 NO.

[aj]

Sorry I disagree.

I would write back to the mother telling her that the siblings had been found and she has x months [say 3] to tell the kids; or you will be contacting them yourself.

I speak from experience as I found my half brother on Faceache and contacted him and it's turned out ok. Actually better than ok. But if they do not know about him then the mother has to be given the opportunity to tell them her own way.

It is not the fault of the child and all the kids should at least be given the opportunity to have an adult relationship; if it doesn't work out then so be it; but the adult here has pulled the strings for too long.

[Jeannine]

and if she has hidden it all these years from an abusive husband and it gets out a nd beats the heck out of her ?????

[betula]

Have no idea what the answer is to this.

If it was me I think I would concentrate on the people in my life who truly love and care for me. :)

[shirlton]

I contacted my father with the aid of the salvatin army after not seeing him for 20 years due to a silly disagreement. I could picture the meeting in my mind and couldn't wait to see him again. Alas all I found was a bitter and twisted old man. I learned that he had died 4 years ago and I was so upset that even to the end he didn't want to see me. Be careful what you wish for

[aj]

and if she has hidden it all these years from an abusive husband and it gets out a nd beats the heck out of her ?????

I'm sorry, really - but this is about the next generation. The mother has already disregarded the child's feelings and now the child needs to take control.

So the child has to put up and shut up just because the mother's husband might get a bit upset? What about the upset of the child all these years?

At least she could have had the decency to meet the child and explain the situation; as it is she HAD the child and needs to accept that you can't just throw a child in the trash and walk away.

[Old bird]

I would say a definite YES!

I am sorry but because the mother doesn't want contact - she cannot withhold possible friendships and relationships with her children.

She has acted badly in not telling her partner/husband or what have you.  I don't go with her being beaten up by him Jeannine!  I think that if he is a wife beater then she should have left him years ago anyway rather than put her and her later children in danger.  She should not be the one to make the decision for her children and blow the fact that she didn't have the guts to tell anyone about her earlier child.

My father disappeared out of my life when I was tiny - he now is in his late 80's and living in Australia - I have two sisters who I have never met - I contacted my father who didn't seem at all worried by the fact that myself and my sister were abandoned by him 60 years ago (there was no social security then) we never had birthday/christmas cards or anything from him.  My half sisters, I think, have been told that I contacted them and I have given my address - they have made no contact at all (maybe they are worried about their inheritance?!!!) I can't be arsed with contacting them - but I would have been curious - had they showed any interest  in contacting me.

Go for it - but be prepared for rejection!

Old Bird

[asj]

I was an abandoned baby during WWII, reason unknown - subsequently adopted.  I have never felt the slightest desire to contact my so-called 'birth' family - they are nothing to me and I am nothing to them.  Also, I do not understand why anybody wishes to dredge up the past - life is about the future!  I have lots of loving family now and do not need to go rooting around in others' lives, possibly causing intense distress.