Topic: THE A4A PANTOMIME

[Spurdie]

That's it!  >:( You've lost it altogether! For god's sake get a grip man! You're only a tree! So what if birds sit on your branches ... they also s*it on your branches. I'd much rather have Clint Eastwood sit on my rump any day! (((droool!!!))) Frankie Dettori would be nice and light on my back and I would trot round merrily while he sings "I love horses, they're such lovely animals, I love horses, they're my friends!"  Or maybe the QUEEN would want me to carry here sedately around Sandringham. I can't recall the Queen wanting to climb a tree. But I suppose you would come in useful for her corgis.

[Hugh_Jones]

I feel that I really must intervene in this unseemly dispute in the temporary absence of the casting director, who, I`m quite sure, will agree with me.

Spurdie, you may certainly be the rear end of a pantomime horse if you wish, but bear in mind that to do so you will have to spend the whole of Act 2 Scene 1 as the rear end of a rubber mouse until the Fairy Godmother transforms you.  The horses are not actually seen on stage, but you may make galloping hoof noises to your heart`s content.  However, you must take great care not to `drop` anything on the stage.

As for Ozzy, there is no question of his being a mere Christmas tree.  Ozzy is well known throughout the length and breadth of these boards as being the most accomplished impersonator of everything arboreal, from mighty oaks to giant brussels sprouts - indeed in last years pantomime he almost single-handedly represented the whole of Sherwood Forest, and I have no doubt that whatever tree he represents in Act 1 Scene 1 will be a tribute to his genius.

[Roy Bham UK]

Harvey's just wispered in my ear that he would like a part in the panto too. :D ;D

[Ozzy]

Couldn't have put it bette meself Hugh.. you listening Spurdle???  :D :D :D :D

but once again I am seeing the same old chestnut,, not the tree but the axiom? (phew strange spelly wordy) so once more Spurdle gets the soft option.. the lesser option... the SAFE option... cus lets be fair.. is "oooh soooooooooo SAFE"  being the rear end of mouse... like how many mouses arses have anyone ever seen in a mouse trap???????????? ... com on.. com on... how may???? ANSWER... NONE.. but. ......  each and every single one of us has seen a tree that has been uprooted by  gales etc at one time or another .. (please note I iz not talking bowt gale from corrie) and how many trees have u seen struck by lightening??? LOADS thats how many.. and as for the number of cars/vans/LORRIES that have crashed into trees on set like... is oh so often.. am minded here of the tree I played in the film "Bridge over the river Kwai".. but cus i is a master of disguise.. was able to flamouflage meself as a high ranking japenese army officer, thus avoiding being chopped down by NAUGHTY NAUGHTY SPANKY peep with an axe........ professional thru and thru me.. but thats another story   ;) ;) ;)

0one more thing Hugh... Spurdle for once in her life  ;) does make a very valid point about the trailers and maltesers... but dont go thinking that u can drop from 46 packets of maltesers to a mere 20... amatuers Hugh.. can spot em a mile off m8...

Now you all heard now... NO VACANCIES FOR THE TREE...

am shaking my head at the number of times i feel COMPELLED to say this.. did Lawrence Olivier had to repeat himself so often?????? I think NOT..

going to my wardrobe/growroom now...

I need to be alone psml

Ozzy/Ciaran

 :-* :-* :-*

[Spurdie]

Now look here! What use would 46 bags of maltesers be to a TREE???!!?? As the Director has cast me in TWO parts (ahem!) I feel I would be better suited to the "perks" of maltilicious sweeties. After all, it is a well known fact that mice LOVE chocolate (preferably not in mousetraps). I would also require a lovely silver horsebox, with chintzy curtains at its windows.
As for your insinuation that I am in some way incontinent, Mr Director, I wish to inform you that I am in full control of my faculties and should any "mess" appear on stage you should check for stray canines that have wandered in off the street in order to make use of the free toilet facilities ie. Ozzy's tree.

[Wicker]

Spurdie, I am in awe  :o at your courage in taking on the role of horse's ar*se but fear you may not have thought this thru.
remember for every sticky-up rear there has to be a prancy horse's front - and it is vitally important that the person against whose b*m you will be pressed is wind and odour free to say the least!!  You would have to supervise that person's diet very very carefully (especially with the glut of sprouts in season) or else you could suffer dreadfully. :(

So I think you have to practise holding your breath, breathing with a clip on your nose (like thsoe swimmers) and if the worst comes to the worst and you even think the tree is laughing then have a quiet word with Harvey (he look a very understanding wee soul) and he will do his business right where it's not wanted!!  Or there may be a CAT in the show that jsut loves to sharpen its claws on bark - mine does!!

Love you both really!! :-* :-*

[Spurdie]

Hhmm ... I MIGHT need a snorkel ... have you got a spare one I can borrow, Wicker? I could attach a small saltire to the bit that sticks out through the costume (in this case, I fear it will have to be the most obvious orifice). Now ... I wonder who would go in the front half ... it would be rather fun if they wore a kilt, after all I would need to hold onto something to keep my balance when performing the conga!  8)

[Ozzy]

SEE Spurdle

told ya being the tree is the best part,, bet u get a right MR Farty Pants playing the oh sooo simple part of fronty horsey... but, me being a bit of an ologist could see straight through your rather cunning and devious plan...

you was hoping Hugh would say that the rear end of the horse was taken so you could lay on the hard luck story.. about having 10 kidz and your husband running of with the milk man, and that the bayliffs are knocking on your door.. plus the provident mafia are piling on the pressure with their really big heavy Parker ball point pens,, charging u extorionate rates of interest, and that you're  so so SO  run ragged. that your only solace from this misery comes in the form of cheap sherry and temazepam, and that if you could just play the part of the Tree, your dream of being spotted by a Talent Scout and whisked into the big pay days of Hollywood  may become a reality.... bin there, got the Tea Towel.... and it aint all glamour oh no no no no...  Envy Spurdle.. tis a terrible thing..  anyway good luck and "brealk a leg" in your role.. and I hope that the peep in front is a peep who can control his bowels..  a shudder went down me spine then Sprudle.. so hope Hugh will vet all the peeps who apply for the part of "fronty Horsey".. cus lets be fair?? could be very very very VERY  messy.. btw Spurdle... no dogs crap on my roots.... mahn how many more times do I have to say this..... I iz a professional Luvvy,  being the Pro that I am.. I ALWAYS make sure that "LIONS ROAR" pellets are scatterered all around me.. so I dont suffer with that problem, actually  :-*   Maybe u could ask the fronty horse peep if they wouldn't mind if u shoved a cork up thier arse?... If Dale Winton applies.. then u have no problem, except that he may DEMAND a bigger cork.. and make sure he understands that it is a CORK..      c.. o... R... k, and make sure u spell it out to him Spurdle,  cus Dale would prob think u meant somat else.. is tough world showbiz.. but theres no business like it... feel a song comming on now I does.....so best get it on me toes like, and scadaddle..

huge babble alert

Ozzy/Ciaran

wtf????


 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

[Spurdie]

Hmmm ... am not sure who would be most suitable for "front half of horsey" ... Must be someone who doesn't like baked beans, brussels sprouts or cabbages. Also not be too large around the hips (I might suffocate). Someone taller than me so I don't have to bend over too much - that rules out Tom Cruise. If I ended up with Graham Norton I fear I would be carried away in a straight-jacket after the performance ... I wonder if Billy Connelly would be available? I bet we'd have a right giggle under the costume, and his hair is rather mane-like anyway. Yes, it's Billy for me! (in my dreams!)  :D
Ozzy, you are turning into a proper Titchmarsh! I think it is YOU who is jealous of my part - I get to caper about at the side of the stage and make silly noises while you have to stand there like a - like a - a great lump of wood!  :P  It's a shame you have to spread one form of muck around in order to avoid the fresh kind!  ;D

[Ozzy]

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWeeeeeeee Spurdle PSML

is well obvious u dont know about the secrets of trees.. we iz bit like th magicians circle.. cept we dont take in the likes of Paul Daniels... is still fairly obvious spurdle that U would jump at the chance of being a tree... but u cant.. cuz i iz the tree so learn to live with it  ;) ;) ;)

Ozzy/Ciaran

 :-* :-* :-*

[Spurdie]

Have you tried method acting for this role of "tree"? Go out and stand in the middle of a forest for a few days!  ;D
(I will phone the Findhorn Foundation to get some hippies round to hug you and keep you warm!  :-* :-* :-*)

[Muddy_Boots]

 :o  Me poor little brain is reeling at the repartee!  Haven't laughed so much for ages!  At least now I know the merits and demerits of being a tree or a mouse/horse - that last bit doesn't really equate!

 :D :D :D :D :D :D

Kate

[Wicker]

Yep, pure dead brilliant patter!! But we all know that you two really lurv each other and I am sure that if you play your cards right Hugh will write a scene where you can share the stage together - after the poor old horsie
nearly comes to a sad end but is given a home by a strong stately tree who provides him with shelter under his spreading branches.
Aaaah......

[Muddy_Boots]

Yeah!  Would be nice Wicker but trouble is Spurdie ain't going to give in and Oz ain't going to play the gentleman!

Methinks this particular thread might almost upstage the Panto if we're not careful!


Indeed, Hugh could be slightly challenged on this score but, as always, I am sure he will come up with a solution!
 :D :D :D

[Wicker]

Ooops, could be right Muddy Boots - Apologies to all concerned  :-[   
Threads do ramble (I think that#s half the fun) but I am sure we never lose sight of the original concept.  Didn't seriously mean Hugh to write in such a scene - he would realise I am only joshing!! And in no way would it supercede Hugh's classic panto - whole thread made me laugh so I was joining in the fun.... ;D

[Spurdie]

Wicker, where did you get that photo of me under a tree???? Spooky! It was like looking into a mirror!  :o However, I didn't like the look of that particular tree ... it had a strange (ahem!) hole in its trunk, and its trousers had fallen down. In fact I am getting very worried about it, and may not infact get any sleep tonight for worrying about it!  :(

[Muddy_Boots]

Wicker, no apologies needed!  All comments with tongue well in cheek!  Hugh, being Hugh, does many things well that the rest of us would give our eye teeth to have the vocabulary or talent for but, we can still add our bit! 

Hey, and lovely to see you again Hugh, missed you!

Omigod, Spurdie, wasn't Oz's tree was it?  There is an alternative, you could be a Handkerchief Tree!  Only trouble is, they only flower in May time, but very useful!

 ;)

[Hugh_Jones]

Wicker is quite right.  Honour will clearly only be satisfied if Ozzy and Spurdie can have their own little cross-talk act on stage.  I therefore suggest that the following be added at the end of Act 1 Scene 1. (before the Tree leaves the stage)

The Scene remains as before. A horse enters from the left
 Speaks:

“Ah, here`s a tree in this grassy patch
I`ll rub my itching flanks”

Tree:
“Blast. Here`s another come to scratch
And I`ll bet I`ll get no thanks”

Horse moves across stage towards tree – the rear end making a great display of it`s rounded fetlocks and fleshy rump.

Tree:
“Hey, be more careful you mangy steed
Watch where you put your boots
You`re getting closer than you need
And trampling on my ancient roots”

Horse:
“So what else is a tree good for
Apart from firewood
You`re just the thing to scratch my sore”
(Rubs vigorously against Tree)
“Oh my! That does feel good
And while I`m at it I do believe
(And trust me, I`m not joking)
My aching bladder I`ll relieve
And give those roots a soaking”

Tree:
I`ll not stand still and take such sauce
From such a swaybacked nag
I`ll show my displeasure with some force
That`ll make the old hack sag
We wise old oaks know a crafty wheeze
For dealing with unwelcome guests
We`re cleverer than the other trees
We know how to get rid of pests”

Horse:
“A swaybacked nag you dare to say
Well, I`ll soon show you that
You will live to rue the day.
Take that, and That, and That”
(deliveres 3 hearty kicks to the trunk of Tree)

Immediately Tree shakes violently, and a storm of acorns and dead branches crashes down onto Horse, which flees the stage in fright.

Loud mocking laughter from Tree.

Scene Ends

[Wicker]

Hugh, what a talent!!  I'm grinning even wider now  ;D  Don't know what Spurdie looks like but from now on in my mind she will forever have "rounded fetlocks and fleshy rump" (what's the equivalent of fetlocks in human terms??)

[Ozzy]

yep sounds about right Hugh

As u can see Spurdle (as if u didnt know already) being the "Tree" is top part.. and just knew u was after me role.. so i am gonna have to be careful with u around  :-*  will  never except a cup of tea or a slice of cake from you till after the gig. cus u will probbo "micky fin" me PG Tips or mess with me Hash Brownies  ;D ;D ;D..

dont take it personal Spurdle cus I gets this every single year... but if its any solace to yuz... u are by far the craftiest tree role nicking peep thus far...

babbling

Ciaran/Ozzy

 :-* :-* :-*

oh yeah.. I has a baddy cold and sore throat and cough... just wondering if u got anyone else to do ur dirty work for ya Spurdle? LOL..  :-* :-* :-*