Topic: THE A4A PANTOMIME

[Hugh_Jones]

(Well Christmas isn`t Christmas without one)

THE PANTOMIME

CINDERELLA

The cast: Baron Hardup – preferably an ex-Shakespearean who can`t forget it.
                Two Ugly Sisters – one short and fat (F.U.S), the other tall and skinny   (T.U.S.) (otherwise no comment)                        
                 Cinderella – pick the prettiest young lady
                Buttons – possibly Oz if he can change from a tree
                Fairy Godmother (Short part)
                Prince`s Equerry (must look imposing and have his own morning coat)
                A royal servant (non speaking part)
                Prince (very short part)
                Two rubber mice (or should this be for the props department?)
                 Mixed chorus
                 One Tree (MUST be played by that consummate arboreal impersonator Oz)
                 (All parts but The Tree are up for grabs)          

ACT 1  
Scene 1
Curtain up.
Baron Hardup is standing in front of very dilapidated mansion with front door open. The chorus (dressed as villagers) are lazing about the stage in various attitudes under the branches of The Tree.
.  The  Baron speaks:

“Now is the winter of our discontent
made glorious summer by this pantomime”.
 (Groans and catcalls from the chorus – shouts of “Go back to The Old Vic” etc.

 The Baron continues:
“An escape from bankruptcy and family cares
That plague `most every moment of my time.
For since Gordon Brown robbed my pension scheme
And my Council Tax rose by leaps and bounds
Things are no longer what they seem
And I`m now worth ha`pennies instead of pounds”

Here the chorus form a ring around the Baron and chant in unison:
“the poor old Baron`s lost his cash
Now he can`t cut such a dash.
Can`t employ us any more
So we just hang around his door.
He can`t afford a loaf of bread
But our tax credits keep us fed”

The Baron: “ SHUT UP YOU RABBLE, and let me get on”
 continues:
“But tonight I`ll spend many a pleasant hour
At the Ball which my Prince commands,
And take my two daughters – ugly and sour
And hope to get them off my hands.
But Cinderella, best of my brood
Will  stay at home and miss the Ball –
Her sisters don`t treat her as they should
And I can`t afford ballgowns for them all”.

Chorus:
“Poor Cinderella
She`ll never get a fella
As long as those two old witches
Scare off everything in britches
She`ll stay at home and miss the Dance
She never has the slightest chance
To be a proper woman fickle
And enjoy a bit of slap and tickle”

The Baron “FOR HEAVEN`S SAKE – BE QUIET YOU LOT!”

(slight pause)
Baron continues:
“But hark!” (cups hand to ear) “someone approaches in the lane”
(Puts hand to eyebrows and peers theatrically.  All the chorus do likewise)
Can`t make them out. Yes, now I can
It`s those damned broker`s men come to distrain
And take my furniture in their Rentavan
(Disappears through doorway and slams door – loud sounds of bolting and locking)
Chorus all slink furtively off the stage in various directions.


ENTER stage left Two rather rough looking `heavies`
(Song and dance routine to the tune of `We are the Ovaltinies` - older members will remember)

We are the County Court Bailiffs
In hobnail boots and studs”
(each lifts  one leg to show boots with studs)
“We don`t need any wayleaves
To carry off your goods”
(First Bailiff hammers on door)
“You haven`t paid your taxes
Like everybody ought
That`s why we`ve got our instructions
From the County Court”
(hammers on door again)
“Come now don`t keep us waiting
First we`ll take your chairs”
(hammers on door again)
“Then, without any more debating,
The carpet off your stairs”

(They pause for breath)

First Bailiff:
“Think we`re wasting our time here Bert, blighter must be out”
Second Bailiff:
Looks like it. Let`s go and evict that wicked old friar who doesn`t like pantomimes.
First Bailiff:
Sorry Bert. No evictions today. We`ll just go and paint “SCROOGE” on his front door.
Exit stage left.
The Tree speaks:
“Well, that`s this part finished. I`m off”
(Wanders off the stage, shaking his leaves noisily)

Curtain

[Hugh_Jones]

SCENE 2
(A large bare attic with a very small stove in the middle and a truckle bed against the wall.  Cinderella is sitting in the only chair – a wooden kitchen chair – sewing)
Sings to herself – any old tune that fits

“My sisters want these dresses altering
For the Ball tonight
For one of them is big and fat
And the dress is far too tight.
The other is tall and thin and scraggy
And everything she wears looks baggy
I`ve sewn till I`ve got sore finger tips,
And they couldn`t care a tap.
This dress will burst if she wags her hips
and she`ll fall out through the gap

(giggles to herself)
At that moment the door bursts open and the two ugly sisters try to enter at once. They get stuck – improvise a bit of knockabout farce until they get sorted out and enter singly
 (NOTE some care needed her in casting since none of the cast will want to admit to being this ugly)
 T.U.S.
“Haven`t you finished those dresses yet? It`s almost time for us to get ready. I suppose you`ve been lazing your time away instead of getting on with it.”
F.U.S.
“And they`d better be right.  If mine doesn`t fit you`ll live on crusts and water for the next week”

“That corset I bought a week ago
(provided that I lace it tight)
will stop my boobs from hanging low
And pull my belly in all right
But I hope you`ve stitched the bodice well
For my worst fear (truth to tell)
Is if the neckline starts to drop
My boobs might flop out o`er the top
And unless I rescue them in haste
They`ll hang down to below my waist”

T.U.S.
Oh sister dear, you`ve done it wrong
As I`ve been telling you all along.
Like you I too was overweight
But now I`m nice and slim and straight.
I underwent a breast reduction
 Shrank my belly and bum with liposuction.
My fat all slithered up the tubes
And now I`ve got quite little boobs.
The problem was, as I got thin
It left a lot of surplus skin
Which they tucked up tight beneath my breast.
Now I have a beard upon my chest”

“Now Cinders. Don`t think that because we`re out you can sit here dreaming all evening. We`ve left a nice pile of laundry for you to wash and iron.  You can get started as soon as we`re gone in an hour`s time.
They exit, carrying their dresses

Curtain


SCENE 3
The setting is the same.  Cinderella is again sitting on the same chair, eating a slice of bread.  A couple of mice sit by her chair and she drops a small piece of bread for them.
(NOTE better use rubber mice or there`ll be pandemonium among the ladies)
Buttons is standing by the stove warming his behind.  He holds a rather withered pumpkin in his hands.
(NOTE: As there are no trees from now on, perhaps Oz would like to play Buttons)

Cinders speaks
:
“Oh Buttons, my dear friend, I`m so hungry. Is there nothing at all to eat?”
Buttons:
“Poor Cinders. I did search the larder.
I really couldn`t look any harder.
The shelves were bare
There was nothing there.
The only remnant to be seen
Was this leftover from Halloween
Your two mean sisters had scoffed the lot
There`s nothing else left to put in the pot
I`d hoped for Brazil nuts (kept well hidden)
But under Euro rules they`re now forbidden
And now the man at the village store
Won`t give us credit any more
So the only thing now when hunger is felt
Is take a deep breath and tighten your belt”

Cinders:
Oh dear! Clarabella`s dress was already too tight.  If she`s been stuffing herself again it will certainly split open if someone asks her to dance and she`s sure to blame me and beat me.  Oh Buttons, I`m so miserable. Whatever shall I do?” And I would have so loved to have gone to the Ball – they`ve never let me go to one yet.

Buttons:
“Oh Cinders, my poor mistress dear
You`ll not be alone `cos I`m still here
And though we have no wine to sup
I`ll try to keep your spirits up
I could tell you a funny joke
The trouble is that all those folk
Who censor this site would raise a shout
And Dan would tell me to rub it out”

At that moment there is a blinding flash, during which Fairy Godmother is lowered onto the centre of the stage
(NOTE: must pick someone lightweight as we only have a 50kilo rope)

Fairy Godmother:-
“Fear not, poor Cinders, you shall go
To the Ball, as your heart pines
Your sisters cannot say you `No`
And you`ll be dressed up to the nines
The finest ballgown you shall wear
The finest pearls around your neck
A diamond tiara in your hair
And I`ll guarantee, by heck
None shall arrive in greater style.
With these two mice shall you approach
White horses I`ll make them with my guile
This pumpkin into a golden coach
But remember, Cinders, there`s a price
Before twelve you must be back, you see
Your horses will then turn back to mice
Your coach once more a pumpkin be”

F.G. waves wand again. Another blinding flash and mice and pumpkin have vanished. Cinders is wearing splendid gown, pearls and tiara
(NOTE – suggest Cinders wears all this throughout scene, covered by tatty old kaftan or similar which can be easily whipped off)

Buttons runs to window and looks out

Buttons: “Oh look Cinders.  There`s a magnificent golden coach with two white horses to pull it. “

Exeunt both stage right
The chorus enter from stage left.  All are dressed as fairy godmothers and god fathers

Chorus:
“Cinders is going to the Ball
She`s going to get there after all
She`s going to be a real winner
Dressed up like the doggie`s dinner
And if she plays her cards aright
We`re pretty sure she`ll score tonight
We just hope she`s sense enough
Not to get herself `Up The Duff`”

All exit

Curtain

[Hugh_Jones]

ACT 2
SCENE 1
(NOTE:  This should have been the Ball, but the set was too expensive, we couldn`t afford the band, and there aren`t enough ballgowns and evening dress suits for the cast.  Besides, they`d all be wanting to swig champagne all the way through.
In any case, everone knows the story, so we go straight to:-)

Cinderella`s attic.  The set as just as we last left it. Very short scene. Cinders is back in her tatty old dress

Buttons:-
“O Cinders, I did wait and wait
You gave me quite a dreadful fright
As the hours passed and it got so late
That you wouldn`t be home before midnight
I had a vision not so nice
Of your homeward journey oh so slow
Escorting those two poor little mice
With a pumpkin still in tow
Your sisters looked a dreadful sight
They didn`t get home till nearly four.
They were both completely tight
And I left them sleeping on the floor


Cinders:
Oh Buttons, It was like a dream
E`en better than I thought `twould be
To my amazement, it would seem
The Prince appeared to fancy me.
Together we danced the evening through
He held me in a tender lock
Then all too soon, such great ado
I looked up and I saw the clock
Away I sped as fast as I could
But I dropped a slipper on the way
The horses galloped through the wood
And we just got home for change of day
I saw my sisters from afar
Sitting there as in a trance
Slugging Champers in the bar
And nobody asked THEM to dance”.

Exit both stage left

The Chorus re-appears (don`t quite know what as this time)
“We knew that she`d enjoy herself
She won`t be left upon the shelf
Like those two ugly harridans
Who`ll never get to hear the banns
Read out, and won`t it make them wince
To hear she`s captivated the Prince”

They dance off stage

Scene ends (I said it was a short one)
Curtain

[Garden Manager]

Ok so when are we doing the casting?

(yes yes I know i said no panto, but you are having one despite my advice so we might as well have some fun with it ;D)

[Hugh_Jones]

SCENE 2
In the drawing room of Baron Hardup`s castle – lot of tatty old moth eaten furniture, hole in the carpet – you get the picture?)
Baron Hardup is reading the Financial Times.  The two ugly sisters are sprawling on sofas looking thoroughly hung over and even more ugly than before. (NOTE: We SHALL have to be careful with casting)

First U.S. – groans heavily

“What did I get up to last night?  I feel terrible”.

Second U.S.  - Also groans

“We shouldn`t have drunk all that free booze. I`ll send for some coffee”

Picks up handbell and rings loudly – First U.S. claps hands to her ears.
Door opens and Buttons appears
 2nd U.S: “Bring us some coffee quickly, Buttons”
Buttons:  “There isn`t any coffee”
2nd U.S:  “Why isn`t there any coffee”
Buttons:  “Because the grocer won`t give us any more credit”
Both sisters both groan heavily again
At that moment there is a commotion outside, followed by a thunderous knocking on the front door.  Buttons goes out, re-appearing a minute or so later followed by important looking gent in morning coat and striped trousers accompanied by several people in livery (the Chorus dressed up)

Buttons:
“This is the Prince`s Equerry
Searching through the whole country
To find the maiden who by some chance
Stole his heart at last night`s Dance”

Chorus:
“This Equerry, who looks so staid
Has come to find the dainty maid
Who last night stole the Prince`s heart
And pierced it with Cupid`s dart
And from his duty he`ll never shirk
He does ALL the Prince`s dirty work”
Equerry :
He danced with her the evening long
But now he fears he said something wrong
Or that his charm began to pall
For suddenly she left the Ball
The only trace he had of her
Was nothing more than this slipper
Which in her haste fell off and dropped
Upon the stairs, down which she hopped
And sped away in a golden carriage
And now he wants her hand in marriage
And I am bid by his command
To visit each maiden in the land
And find which foot of dainty tripper
Will fit inside this golden slipper
Come ladies – though you look too rough -
See if your feet are small enough”

F. U.S. steps forward and tries to put her foot in the slipper
“Blast – I can`t get my foot inside
I think my instep`s just too wide
Perhaps I`d make it seem more lean
If I covered it with Vaseline”

Equerry: Sorry madam. No artificial aids allowed – although you look as though you could use a few.

T. U.S. steps forward and tries without success

“Very nearly, but not quite
Perhaps my foot swelled in the night”

F. U.S:
“You don`t fool anyone, sister dear
To all of us it`s very clear
To don that slipper, oh so neat
You`d need liposuction on your feet”

Chorus:
“These two old hags will never do
They both require a size ten shoe
This little slipper`s far too neat
To fit those fat and swollen feet”

Equerry:
“I thought it was a hopeless case.
But is there in this tatty place
Another maiden young and fair
For whom this slipper would make a pair?”

Both U.S. in unison: “No”
Buttons:
Oh yes there is, they have a sister
And she`s a stunner, believe me mister
From jealousy this grisly couple
Treat her, without any scruple
As an unpaid servant girl
But in this house she`s like a pearl
They`ve had her scrubbing floors all day
I`ll fetch her now. Don`t go away”

Exit Buttons.  Re-appears a few minutes later with Cinders, who is dressed in her normal rags and carries a bucket in one hand and a scrubbing brush in the other. Her face is smudged with dirt and she looks generally scruffy.
(NOTE – think up a bit of “business” between the sisters to fill the gap.  Ad-lib perhaps?)

Equerry looks distastefully at Cinders, but hands her the slipper at arms length
Cinderella:
“Ah, that slipper, gold and bright
Is the one I dropped last night
See I have the other here
I thought I`d lost this one so dear”
(raises her skirt to reveal that one foot is bare, and she is wearing the other slipper on the other foot.  She puts the slipper on to her bare foot)
“I didn`t want to leave the Ball-
The Prince so handsome and so tall –
But I had to take such sudden flight
To get back here before midnight”

Equerry to servant:
“Summon his Highness from his carriage
We`ve found his future partner in marriage”

Servant departs
Chorus:
“The Equerry has done his part
This will delight the Prince`s heart
And such a wedding there will be
Before a noble company
And there will be such song and laughter
And they`ll live happily ever after”

All look towards the door as the servant returns
 with the Prince.  The Equerry takes Cinders by the hand and leads her forward.
 
The Prince takes one look at Cinders and says:

“I`m not marrying this little scrubber. But if you clean her up a bit she might do for a quick sh*g”

(Yes. I know. I just thought I`d make it a modern ending)

[Mimi]

OO OO OOO OO OO ME ME ME ME ME
Baggsy I Being the Fairy Godmother.... Ive got a short part.  

Well its just above me fringe so I hope that counts.... can I wear a long frilly tutu y sort of frock, with lots of sparkle.  Promise Ill wear me elbow length leather palmed diamond studded gardening gloves and me patent leather, sling back wellies. ;D ;D

[eileen]

Mimi - you're a NUTTER but a nice one.   ::) You can always be relied on to make us smile.  :-* :-* The mental picture I have of you at the moment is unbelievable ........ patent leather, sling back wellies!!!!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D


Eileen.

[Ozzy]

Yo Hugh

Nice one mate..

as you/yew can see I has been practising and I am torn between two lovers... soz not lovers ... trees  ;)

this is me (above) playing a tree in a fantasy play, and without sounding concieted... I thinks I done a well good job... and this is the tree (below) I thought I'd play in the panto.. spent ages in make up I did  ;D

my trouble iz... I iz a confectionist and like everything to be exact.. it isn't easy playing a tree, and many many many an actor just cant cut it.. like the actor in the picture below... he just hasn't got it and peeps in the audience kept shouting to him "your dead crap at playing trees.. wheres the tree master Ozzy?" anyways heres a picture of that dead dead dead crap tree actor... actor????? u decide..

Fairly obvious I thought, he made the classic mistake of thinking playing a tree was easy... how wrong is he???


and a babble alert albeit a thespian one

Ozzy/Ciaran

 :-* :-* :-*

[Doris_Pinks]

Errrrr Hugh, shouldn't Buttons in true panto style be played by a thigh slapping, tight tights wearing, woman? Or is that the prince? ;D

ABSOLUTELY brilliant, and very funny! Well done HUgh, you've done us proud again!

[Hugh_Jones]

You`re absolutely right about the casting Doris - I was in rather a hurry.  Trouble is that I don`t know which of you dear ladies is a thigh slapping, tight tights wearing (excuse me while I put my tongue back in) young lady, who should definitely play the Prince.  I still think Ozzy should be Buttons (unless he objects) because his Tree part is so short.

Similarly, of course, I was also wrong regarding the two ugly sisters, who definitely must be male.  This would make casting very much easier since it will only be necessary to trawl through the variety of personal likenesses displayed in The Gallery. It will also avoid any potential embarrassment to the ladies.

Fortunately I`m only the author, and I leave all that to the Casting Director - any volunteers?

[Doris_Pinks]

I would offer to wear the tights Hugh, but unfortunately may get mistaken for a pair of trunks from Ozzies tree!!!

I don't mind being the casting director.........what am I letting myself in for??!!!
All those in favour say aye, those against...........sorry you don't have a part in the play and you definately do not come to the wrap party! ;D  ;D  (oh and my couch is available , but only if in firemens uniform!!!)  DP

[aquilegia]

I'll volunteer to play Buttons. I'm young enough, but not blonde enough, to play Cinders. (I reckon Emma should play her!)

[Spurdie]

Oh look, Doris! There's a hunky fireman! HE'S BEHIND YOU!!! Oh no he isn't! Oh yes he is! Oh no -!  :P

[MagpieDi]

Dear Doris

Could I please be the first bird to perch on Ozzy's branch ??

Yours desperately......

Magpie
x

[Spurdie]

Could I be the rear end of a pantomime horse, please Hugh?

[Ozzy]

Just letting you know Spurdle just in case the part u iz asking for is taken..... I'M THE TREE.. lol... all tree parts are taken... so dont go getting any ideas now, thats not saying that I doubt your abilities to play a Tree, cus for all I know u may be just a good a tree acting peep as I.. but, only fair to tell ya... I iz probbo most famous tree acting peep ever... bin in films and stuff I has, even done me own stunts.. only cus the stunt doubles were dead crap tree stunt acting peeps..  thats why they tend to do the lesser actors like Nicky Cage and Travolta  and the likes.. would love to find an actor/actress that could play the part of a tree as good as I can, cus then they could be me stunt double they could .. cus I hit me funny bone once when i got struck by lightening and uprooted and sucked into the sky by one of those twirly twisty wind thangs... mahn never  been in one of those  topedo thangs before.. but hey... anything for art  ;).. but,  it didn't half hurt, I can tell ya............... where wuz I? in the real world, thats where lol.. so there may or may NOT be a part for a stunt double... but u better be good, if u can cut it as an autumn leaf .. u iz brill.. and to blossom .. mahn iz why i iz a tree... and wtf.. serious babble alert but will hit post anyways

Ciaran/Ozzy

 :-* :-* :-*

[Spurdie]

Look here, Ozzy!  >:( Don't get all uppity about your "starring" role!!! You'll be demanding a trailer and 20 bags of maltesers next! I merely applied for the post of "rear end of pantomime horse". I have no intention of shoving my rear end anywhere near your trunk, so you can stop worrying. As for your "importance" in the pantomime, you forget that all you'll be able to do is stand there and have hippies with straggly beards and scruffy jumpers gripping you up, or worse still all the dogs in the neighbourhood watering your roots. A pantomime horse could pull Cinderella's beautiful carriage in an elegant fashion, then perform a faultless round of show jumping to the accompanyment of "The Horse of the Year Show". I will then be able to much a polo, while you have muck spread around your feet. I think you're suffering from delusions of grandeur and ought to get a grip before you become another J-Lo. Yours un - luvvie like Spurdie.  :-*

[Ozzy]

Spurdle.. u can grovel all you like but I is still the tree  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D and u think being a tree is all about standing there?????? u ever watch Miami Vice??? well I was that tree that took the full brunt of an articulated lorry that came HURTLING down the hill at at least 98 mph and went CRASHING straight into me,,, but cus I iz a professional, .... I was able to absorb the impact by employing simple breathing exercise techniques... if this post just reaches one person who aspires to being a tree.. who just doen't realise the dangers of the work..then my job is done, cus it aint all glamour you know... reality check spurdle, bet u iz hoping for the rear end of a horse part now despite your grovelling LOl

Love ya MWAH MWAH MWAH wheres me mirror gone

Ozzy/Ciaran

 :-* :-* :-*

[Spurdie]

PAH! You realise that you're not going to be one of those grand, stately old oaks. It's a panto and you'll be a Christmas tree! How many things are you going to stick out to hang a bauble off?!? I suppose you'll enjoy having a fairy on your head. I think I'll have my tail plaited with tartan ribbons entwined. My fetlocks will be brushed and I will stick my rump in the air with pride! Ha!

[Ozzy]

So you say Spurdle

Just answer one question for me.. go on go on.. dare ya dare ya lol..

just how many birds sit on a horses arse??? I get loads of bird nesting in me branches cus it comes with the territory... okay they may very well be imaginary birds... but that doesn't mean that they do not count??? oh no... imaginary birds have rights too.... like imaginary birds have just as much right to equality as both you nad I.. oh yes yes yes yes yes... dont forget imaginary birds pay imaginary VAT on femine hygene products too... is an injustice both real and imaginary.. and if u feels like breaking off one of me brances to make a placard that sez "down with womens tax" then u go right ahead lovely.. but if u wanna make a placard that sez " I love Jeremy beadle" then u can go sling your hook girl.. be none that here ....

and Spurdle... is fairly obvious to everyone by what u have typed that U is in fact after the part of Tree and your constant denials.. just proves my point even more.. take 10 deep breaths (but remember to breath out in between like,  health and safety.. health and safety) and just say to urself.. u will never be more than a horses arse... not that playing a horses arse isn't a worthy role.. but lets be fair.. is an easy option... if u really want to challenge your abilities as an Actress.. then.. trying playing the rear end of a sheep in the play "Under MIlk Wood" by Dlyan Thomas who is not to be confused with Thomas the Tank Engine... even though they is both Welsh....

am gonna send a memmo to Hugh,  Spurdle telling him if he ever catches u looking/leering/lusting at the bark.. then thats it.. I will jack it all in.. and there would you be????


babble multiplied by at least 2

Ozzy/ciaran

 :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*