Breaststroke ;D
I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune just your witty description....mine are taking after my 17 year old son....just having a rest!!
Actually some of my dinky little plants that have only two little leaves after 6 weeks keep trying to flower....I keep removing them as that would really finish them off. My site has a slight slope with a hollow at the bottom and the ones at the bottom are growing well now with big leaves....the ones at the top are more exposed to the weather and not looking good despite attempts to shelter them.