Topic: Winning the smallest pumkin competition

[carolinej]

Hello Alishka.

I dont think you need worry about my baby pumpkins. The PMs were indeed from abroad, and they offered the all expenses paid fitting holiday. I sent my baby over just yesterday, and already I have recieved this postcard from him.

He says it is lovely weather and the beach is beautiful. He already has a few parrot friends.

I know there will be the sceptics that think this pic is a fake, but i disagree. Just look at the golden sand and blue skies. The parrots are obviously real too, although I admit my  monitor is having a few problems with blurr this morning.

I hope this puts your mind at rest. Thanks for the concern.



cj :)

[katynewbie]

 :o >:(

"Worried of Oldham" writes: I notice the very unhappy faces on those parrots and suspect this may be a ploy by unscrupulous Pumkin Traders.

They are well known for producing hi tech photos such as the above.

I think it may be time to get Amnesty International involved, the thoughts of the Nation are with you...

 :'(

[Jeannine]

Hi all, it is with some sadness that I have to inform you all of the death of Dr Sqaushpot, he was found dead in his beloved pumpkin patch the day before yesterday,foul play has not been ruled out as he was found floating in a  drum of liquid fertiliser face down.

 He was due to give evidence at a court enquiry later this week The subject was not revealed but it is widely accepted that he was going to blow the whistle  regarding secret formulas used in the miniaturisation of squash and pumpkins. Some of the secret recipes for growing miniatures are  controversial  and it has long been thought that one ingredient of a formula used by his main rival who was the subjest of the enquiry was frowned on by Greenpeace., the society he had devoted his life too

Details are sketchy but  his death is being investigated by the FBI,Interpol and Seeds Savers US.

His home which had been  burglarised had none of his research notes in it.His greenhouses were empty and the only things missing were his seed stash and a few clothes.

I have to add a private thought here, there is a rumour circulating on the net among  Cucurbitaceans worldwide that he is fact alive and has gone into the Victims Protection system with his pimpkin babies for his and their safety.

I am unable to continue as I am so very distressed at having to write this, especially as I was waiting for him to contact me with the advice he promised and my babies will not get the help they need.

XX Jeannine

[carolinej]

Oh, Jeannine, that news is terrible!

You must be distraught with the loss of such a friend and wealth of advice.

My thoughts are with you at this time. Please let me know when you get details of the funeral arrangements, as I'd love to attend, along with Big Max, who loved him dearly and read all his books.

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

cj :'(

[Jeannine]

It is terrible,I am  having nightmares about the pumpkins now, he is there, you are there. I have visions of terrfied little orange babies in wellies running in strange lands with funny clothes on and little men chasing them with cleavers.

And to make matters worse both Jack and Jill have got wee swollen bits on them now,and they are side by side in the greenhouse.

I am staring to crack under the pressure, I have spent the last three nights on the greenhouse floor in the middle of the lottie just waiting to see what is happening. I am so scared that Jill gets herself into trouble and ends up much bigger than she should for her age.

It is not easy to sleep in a greenhouse you know, especially when nature calls. so I have had to give it up. The growbags were quite comfy but the smell of manure wasn't so good for eight hours in a confined space.

I think I am going to have to take a few days off and have a break, if they pollinate well they pollinate.

I am getting quite paranoid too, that Chinese cucumber on the next  row looks too smug for my liking and it one of the few I have that are not all female. It's long yellow sticky out thing seems to get bigger and longer every time I pass it. It is swelling so fast it has broken the rubber band I had fastened it to the side of the pot with. It is barely 2 inches from Jills pot now and she has some great big yellow flowers just gaping open.

Oh I have to stop, this is all too too much for me.

How is the rag trade coming??

I hope your lad is still wearing my rugby team colours up there in Wales especially as they played a game in Cardiff just last week

XX Jeannine

[katynewbie]

 ???

What's going on? No postcards, no updates, no nothin...

Really worried now..

 ;)

[Jeannine]

Well Katy,all seemed to settle well in the greenhouse with no ill effects  so I have put all my worrying down to being over protective and had decided to loosen my apron strings a little but then we had an accident

 I am in mourning here and didn't want to upset Caroline too much with the news.

We had a little mishap in the greenhouse the other day and a baby pumpkin got knocked off the vine.

It looked so cute with a tiny handle and everything so  I decided I would keep it and enter it later if it would cure.

I put it on the dashboard of my car where it would dry in the sun out of harms way, it had been drying for about 4 days,I had been turning it every day and talking to it gently, it was coming along really well, then all of a sudden it dissapeared.

I demanded John tell me what he had done with it but he claims nothing, he has searched the car but we cannot find it. No one has been in the car but the two of us so it is a bit odd. It was sitting  on the grid that lets the heat out when the heater is on. It was very tiny but I didn't think it would have fallen through the slits.

We have had quite a few words about this as I am still sure John has vacuumed it up,but he promises me he has not.

In fact he has said he will remove the seats in the car and if necessary he will dismantle the dashboard as he knows what this wee one means to me.

I did ring the fire brigade but they did not see it as an emergency, I was most upset with the man I spoke to and told him most angrily that I would not be buying this coming years pin up calender as a protest.

We have been waiting for a break in the weather to start taking the car to pieces but it seems the weather is not on our side.

It is hard to concentrate when I think of the little one possibly stuck in a hole.

As we cannot get into our garage due to a high volume of gardening stuff stored in there our car has to park outside  so is it becoming a big worry now. He has been without water and feed for a week. Jih has promised he will hire a marquee if it still rainindg tomorrow so the car seats don't get wet when he takes them out.

So we are set for operation pumpkin rescue tomorrow, I will keep you informed as you have kindly shown an interest, I will post updates on here as and when I can.

I have also cancelled my subscription to the local paper, The National Geographic and Readers Digest who did not seem to think the operation was newsworthy either. We have also cancelled Skye for the same reason and been having a chat tonight about possibly cancelling the TV license  but we have decided to think on that one.

Caroline seems to have been a bit quiet lately, I know she was having family problems with her compost and melons  so I hope her pumpkins are OK,it would be sad if we both had to stop early,especially as I have found mildew on my plants and am unable to access the usual advice.

Thank you for caring,

XX Jeannine

[katynewbie]

 :'(

Oh My God! Have you tried the forensic team at the local plod? They seem to have all kinds of cunning ways of finding forgotten bits of things to provide evidence of crimes. Might be worth a shot, they could use it as a training event!

 ;)

[Jeannine]

We found him, a wee bit dehydrated but his colour is good.

I wish I could say the same about John, he looks like a fresh cooked lobster bless him.

Now I wonder if we can get the car back together in time for the Barnsdale trip tomorrow, it is getting a bit cold out there now and we are losing the  light mmmmm.   Where did I put the miners helmet?

XX Jeannine

[carolinej]

Oh Jeannine, that's great news! I hope John isnt too cross trying to put the car back together in the dark.

I am glad to be able to tell you that my pumpkin plant came home yesterday. he had a wonderful time and says that the new clothing range is being turned out as we speak. We are hoping to take delivery of a few test pieces in the next few days. I will post some pics when they arrive.

I think that now he has been away from home without me, he is probably mature enough to go into the lottie . He says he feels ready, and I agree. I will keep him in his pot till he has finished modelling the new range of clothing for the pics, then I will pop him into his little mound.

I'm sure he will survive any cold snap, equipped with his new wardrobe.

cj :)

[Jeannine]

Well Caroline,Jack and Jill are safely transplanted to the lottie too,well away from each other and anything else but a few beans.It has been a very traumatic time for both of us rearing these youngsters and am hoping now they will settle down and get on with the business of growing into fine healthy tiny fruits.

The little one we rescued from the car seemed OK at first but succumbed yesterday,I think it is a blessing actually as I don't think he would have made it for long and I preferred him to go quick. His colour was pale and he was getting very de hydrated, we tried feeding him some cow poo but the seemed to turn his stalk up at it.It was tough at the end , we took him into the seedling greenhouse to be with his family, so he died peacefully surrounded by about 80 varieties of squash.
John held one little leaf and I the other,it was very sad. It was a beautiful sunny day.

The funeral was sad but the 2 cats and three Pekingeses were very supportive, John said a few words,he was a bit choked so I thought he was very brave. He talked about the loss of his dear friend,we called this one Ickle Jack by the way,and  shared with the friends gathered there some of the exploits of his little life and said we must stay strong for his brothers and  sisters. At one point I was a bit overcome as I remembered some of the fun things we had shared together  but I know he is in a better place now.

John had made him a beautiful little  coffin out of a Swan Vestas box and I lined it with orange silk.

He is resting now under the cherry tree. I will make a little head stone when I can face it.I will send you a picture.

So we have to look forward to supporting  the Jack and Jill mother plants.

I am so pleased that your tiny garments are doing so well and hope the fame has not affected your little one to much.

Take care,

XX Jeannine

[carolinej]

Wow, life is SOOO BUSY when you are a pumpkin clothing range designer! I have had hardly any time to myself, what with meetings and buying trips.

Things have settled down a bit now, as the whole range is in the shops and the 3 factories in Estonia are in full production. I have decided to give all the money I earn to the Professor Squashpot memorial fund for neglected pumkins. No one realises the terrible plight that many pumpkins find themselves in, through no fault of their own.

Did you see the advert for it on Sky last night? They showed a really sad case of a pumpkin that was originally planned for a largest pumpkin competition. Unfortunately, he was the runt of the crop, and thrown on the local lottie dump. He was in a terrible state when he was spotted. The slugs were litterally eating him alive!!

Then they switched to a shot of him after his rescue. He had his own plot, with plenty of room and his own well rotted manure supply. He was so proud to show his baby pumpkins to the camera. I must admit I shed a few tears.

Hopefully, the success of my pumpkin range will prevent many more pumpkin cruelty cases.

My pumpkins for the competition have not got any babies on yet. Either that, or they have been washed away in this awful weather.

Anyway, it would be good to know how many people are trying to grow the smallest pumpkin, ready for the competition. Dont worry if you are not sure that you will manage a very small pumpkin. It will just be good to know how many people are trying to join in.

If you are unsure, remember the prestige that will be yours if you are the winner. Who knows, you may even be asked to appear on Gardeners World, to explain your methods.

Go on, leave us a post so we know who you are ;D

cj :)

[Jeannine]

BUMP

JUst had to bump this one , you will  need to read it all it is hilarious.XX Jeannine

[lottiedolly]

BUMP

JUst had to bump this one , you will  need to read it all it is hilarious.XX Jeannine

Jeannine, i just had to read the whole post and at points, i was trying not to laugh in case the others in the office could hear me. Posts like this should come with a health warning, do you know how painful it is to try and silent laugh without your shoulders shaking and heaving and trying to breathe at the same time.  :o I am considering going home sick as my i have came over all peculiar and wish to work even less than i normally do (and that is saying something....come on lottery win, come to mama  ;)).

So to all those considering reading this post.
Please do not read if trying to eat, drink, hold conversation, answer phone, WORK or any other activity.

Jeannine and Caroline, this should be a regular newspaper column or something in a gardening magazine, it is hilarious and thank you both for your stroke of genius in this post.

Kxxxx  ;D

[carolinej]

Thanks for the review Lottiedolly. However, I feel it only right to point out that all that you read is , in deed, completely factual and accurate. Any humor is completely coincidental  ;D ;D ;D

[Jeannine]

I concur completely, it was a very serious competition, i always thought folks laughing at it showed lack of class. present company excepted.

Caroline, seeing as though the floods took my baby Jack and we didn't have a true winner, and bless your heart you turned down the cup as you didn't want to win by default.  I wonder if we should start that winter veg compo we have talked about for years.. now I know coming from Wales, you may  feel quite confident you have the upperhand on leeks, but I might just challenge that a Yorkshire Canadian might be capable of knocking that one off the history books pages..

Shall we....

Think on it and I will meet you on  a fresh page.. dare you, your heritage is at stake, how could you not.

XX Jeannine