Topic: Time for Another?

[Hugh_Jones]

Young Bert Smith had had but one ambition throughout his boyhood - to join  the Navy and see the world.  For years he talked of next to nothing else, and his parents and his brothers and sisters got so heartily sick of hearing him that they were glad (well, not really, but almost) when he was old enough for his dad to take him along to the recruiting office and sign him on.

Coming from a rather large family, young Bert was quite at home in the crowded conditions of the training barracks (although the Navy called it HMS something or other) to which he was ordered to report, and soon settled down to naval training.  He learned to polish his boots, iron his uniform, march and swing his arms, about turn, stand at ease, stand to attention, slow march, and all the other things that sailors have to do when admirals are about.  The he was taught how to swab decks, salute the bridge, sling a hammock, man the lifeboats, and lots and lots of other useful things to do with actually being a sailor.  Then, when he had become proficient at all these things he was taught how to put the shells in the 4 inch gun and how to fire an Oerlikon, and finally they told him he was now an Able Bodied Seaman and sent him off to join a frigate.

Unfortunately, what they hadn`t taught him was how to keep out of the way of disciplinarian Chief Petty Officers, and Bert`s ship had a CPO with a particularly eagle eye which seemed to be forever watching Bert.  He was always in trouble for things he didn`t do properly or quickly enough, and finally the CPO said to him "Right lad.  It`s time you found out what being in the Navy`s really like".  He had the whole length of the anchor chain (great big links they were) laid out on the fo`csle, handed Bert a large brush, and said "Now, I want every link in that chain swept clean of all the muck and rust and slime before tomorrow morning.  You`ve
got all night to do it in, so GETONWITHIT". (all CPOs and Sergeant Majors talk like that when they`re cross)

Poor Bert  started brushing the links under the blaze of the deck lights, but he had no sooner got started then a large tern landed on the handle of the brush. Bert shouted "Shoo,shoo" but the tern took no notice.  Bert didn`t like the look of its beak or its beady eye, so instead of trying to knock it off with his hand he swung the brush and tossed the tern away.  However, no sooner had he returned to his link sweeping than the tern re-appeared and landed on the brush handle again, and Bert had to swing the brush twice before he could toss the tern away. Again, as Bert started to sweep the tern re-appeared, ever more determined to cling to Bert`s brush handle, and Bert, just as equally determined, kept swinging his brush and tossing it away again.  A battle royal developed which went on all night, and suddenly Bert realised that it was getting light again, and the chain was just as mucky, rusty and slimey as it had been the previous night.  Dawn also brought the CPO back on deck, and he strode across to inspect Bert`s nocturnal efforts.  When he saw the state of the chain he drew in a deep breath, his chest swelled, his face went purple, and he yelled
"WHAT`STHEMEANINGOFTHISYOU`ORRIBLELITTLEMANITOLDYOUTO`AVETHISCHAINCLEAN BY MORNINGANDYOU`AVEN`TDONEITI`LL`AVEYOUINTHECELLSFORTHIS!"

Poor Bert looked him in fear and trembling and said "Please, Chief Petty Officer. It wasn`t my fault at all.  You see...

I`ve tossed a tern all night and couldn`t sweep a link"

[Palefire]

As usual, Hugh - I'm sat here with a big grin on my face - very glad you are here to share your groaners - I'll never forget the one of the first I read over at auntie's about the man who wanted rid of his wife - I think it was one of yours - perhaps tell it here for those who don't know it?

Love, Palefire

xxx

[Colin_Bellamy-Wood]

Thank you Hugh, another cracker.   Great.

[teresa]

Oh Hugh

What can I say love them all, another for the son
Teresa

[Hugh_Jones]

Thank you both for your kind comments.  Yes, Palefire, I certainly wrote a Groaner on that subject, and, indeed, I have considered the possibility of repeating here some of those which I put on the Beeb Board.  Former Beebers will probably already seen them, and the last thing I wish to do is bore anybody. Furthermore when geriatrics of my age tell the same story twice listeners are inclined to tap their foreheads and look significantly at one another, and I wouldn`t like everyone to think that I had reached THAT stage yet.

So certainly, I would be happy to repeat that story, and others, but only if I thought that there was sufficient demand for me to do so, and so far you`re the only one to suggest it. So I pass the ball back to whoever may be interested.

[teresa]

Hugh

I may be a bottled blonde and dumb at times ( when it suits me) but does that mean YES or no?
I for one vote
YES
Teresa

[Colin_Bellamy-Wood]

Hugh, I can recall your telling them on the Auntie's board a long time ago, my favourite being the story of Zebediah.

It would be wrong for those of us that have heard them before to say "Oh! no, not again".   Two things :-

1.   they are so good that they will bear being told twice;

2.   it would be churlish of us to deny the pleasure of these stories from those that ain't heard them before.

PLEASE TELL 'EM AGEN HUGH - PLEASE.   Sorry to shout.

[Palefire]

If it helps - my mum has just said "Yes - tell him to repeat them - he can cut and paste from the original board if he gets cramp from typing!!"

Heh Heh  ;D ;)

Love, Palefire

xxx

[Hugh_Jones]

Your mother`s behind the times, Palefire.  The original boards have all gone, expired, confined to the archives, or whatever.  I shall have to re-write them from memory.

Never mind. It`s something to do for an insomniac geriatric.

[Hyacinth]

Keep drinking the coffee, then, Hugh, and keep 'em coming..cheers, Lishka

[cdchater]

Hugh

Just read all your jokes, and they made me laugh out loud - thank you! I think you should definitely tell some more, even if some people have heard them before, I'm sure they'll laugh again!

Keep them coming!!
Claire

ps Anybody think we should have a seperate folder for jokes?

[Hyacinth]

I like the unexpectedness of coming across them on this Board, Claire, and anyway, general chat can remind one of the one that goes......

So when would a joke become a 'Joke', I wonder?

I'd vote (were I asked :D) to keep the status quo..- Lishka